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June 5 "Ask Amy" column  

post #1 of 27
6/6/08 at 5:23pm
Thread Starter 
Here. I ran into a mommy friend at the public library this morning who told me about reading this in our local paper yesterday. A mother-in-law complains that her daughter-in-law nurses in front of others at family gatherings.

The advice columnist offers a very limp response, IMHO. But what I'm really wondering is this: The offended MIL says that when she first broached the subject, the DIL agreed to remove herself from family gatherings to BF. Then at the Mother's Day family gathering, DIL nursed the baby in the same room with everyone. I'm wondering if DIL came here, shared the story about her MIL's request, and was encouraged and empowered by our lactivist fervor to simply ignore MIL's discomfort and nurse her baby where she was, without comment or fuss? Being quietly defied in this manner must have seriously unnerved the MIL, if the next thing she did was write to an advice columnist about it!

ETA: Don't read the comments that follow the article online. Just trust me on this one.
post #2 of 27
6/6/08 at 6:05pm
I would not go to my MIL's house any more.

Simple.as.that.
post #3 of 27
6/6/08 at 6:10pm
songbh- MDC isn't the only place for women to get support to NIP. LLL meetings, other message boards, even informal groups of moms talking about their lives. Maybe it was her DH who encouraged her to put baby's needs ahead of MIL's discomfort.
post #4 of 27
6/6/08 at 6:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by FREEmom1120 View Post
I would not go to my MIL's house any more.

Simple.as.that.



Exactly!
post #5 of 27
6/6/08 at 6:17pm
I'd give my MIL a choice between "letting" me nurse wherever baby and I were most comfortable doing so, or not having the pleasure of our company.
post #6 of 27
6/6/08 at 6:52pm
Ask Amy is usually very supportive of breastfeeding. I was surprised at how wimpy her response was. Expect a lot of follow up.
post #7 of 27
6/6/08 at 7:02pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by songbh View Post
I'm wondering if DIL came here, shared the story about her MIL's request, and was encouraged and empowered by our lactivist fervor to simply ignore MIL's discomfort and nurse her baby where she was, without comment or fuss? Being quietly defied in this manner must have seriously unnerved the MIL, if the next thing she did was write to an advice columnist about it!
.

nah - no one here says they are "only BF until the child is 1" and I'm not totally convinced real people ever write to advice columnists. It always sounds so made up and "pat." Agreed that the response was lame. She could have been so much better about the time it takes and the need for people to deal with their OWN discomfort.
post #8 of 27
6/6/08 at 9:17pm
Please remember that discussing the comments crosses into UA Violation land. Discussing the article is fine.
post #9 of 27
6/6/08 at 10:13pm
, whenever I read about lactivist issues, I always wonder if the mother is on MDC. Then when I read a thoughful, well-written comment, I wonder if that's an MDC mama as well.
I know not every literate person who supports breastfeeding rights is on MDC. But I still wonder.
post #10 of 27
6/6/08 at 11:07pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by FREEmom1120 View Post
I would not go to my MIL's house any more.

Simple.as.that.
Werd. That's why I don't go over there anymore. They kept trying to shove me in a back room, and I would gently say, "no, I'm fine here". There was a huge stink over Easter, with dh's weird cousins that find bfdg gross...and we don't go there anymore.

Actually, things have been much nicer lately...
post #11 of 27
6/7/08 at 12:56am
I was just coming to post about this. Anyone wanna write a letter to Amy with me? Just to kind of straighten out how really normal it is and if people had the facts, that it is normal for kids to nurse past one, that maybe can translate into mainstream media and women could be better informed.
post #12 of 27
6/7/08 at 1:30am
That article made me appreciate my MIL. We have our issues, and plenty of them, but she'd be the first to tell someone where to go if they had a problem with me feeding her grandchild in the best manner possible.

I don't appreciate too much about my MIL, to be honest, so it was kind of nice to have something remind me why I should, at least sometimes.
post #13 of 27
6/7/08 at 5:15am
Is anyone else struck by the fact that on MOTHER'S DAY this mom was expected to leave the festivities to accomodate people who are supposedly celebrating mother's?
post #14 of 27
6/7/08 at 12:33pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Proud2BeAnAmerican View Post


Exactly!
Quote:
Originally Posted by FREEmom1120 View Post
I would not go to my MIL's house any more.

Simple.as.that.
:

My MiL tried the 'oh, wouldn't you be more comfortable in an upstairs bedroom' routine with me. Um, no, I wouldn't, I'm fine right here, thanks. She was bright enough to not try to push me any further on that issue.

I will say this... the MiL asked her DiL to nurse elsewhere, and the DiL said she would do as she was asked - and then did the opposite. Personally, I think the better thing would be to flat out tell the MiL - While I initially agreed to your request, I was really upset by it, and upon further reflection I simply can't do as you have asked and here is why. Otherwise you're just playing into the passive-aggressive game, and the only way to win that one is not to play.
post #15 of 27
6/7/08 at 2:10pm
I'm curious about what the MIL's "reasons" were. The letter says she explained her reasons to the DIL.

I hope this letter was invented by Amy.
post #16 of 27
6/7/08 at 3:22pm
I kind of liked Amy's response - but let me explain why: I think she was trying to communicate a basic truth to the unreasonable MIL: sure, it's your house, but if you refuse to compromise, you're going to lose out. I think she was trying to say, "Yes, it's your house, and you can ask her not to do it, but if you do, you're not going to get to see your DIL and grandchild anymore. Your actions will have a consequence you don't like."

I think Amy was trying to remain purposefully neutral in order to get her point across to a hostile audience (the MIL). Sort of, "yeah, you can be UA, but if you are, you're not going to like what happens."

What do you think?

(and, boy, I'm glad my MIL isn't like that! The first time I nursed my twins in front of her, she said something like, "oh cool, I haven't seen you nurse them at the same time yet - wow! )
post #17 of 27
6/7/08 at 3:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mntnmom View Post
Is anyone else struck by the fact that on MOTHER'S DAY this mom was expected to leave the festivities to accomodate people who are supposedly celebrating mother's?
Yeah, lets celebrate mothers by shutting them up in a room by themselves.
post #18 of 27
6/7/08 at 3:32pm
I thinkk that Amy was trying to remain neutral, too. But I think her point was kinda lost. My email to her will say that she missed her chance to gently encourage the MIL to examine her "reasons" for disliking NIP. There is a difference, when in someone's home, if she had a well-thought-out and deeply considered moral objection based on some specific aspects of their home life... versus a shallow and culturally conditioned revulsion.


Also: I know that at least ONE real person wrote into her comlumn and got it published: Me!
post #19 of 27
6/7/08 at 5:32pm
I think that Amy's advice might have been influenced by one thing, the DIL agreed to nurse out of view, and then went against that w/o any discussion.

I think that Amy was tryng to get the MIL to realize how unfair her 'rule' was and make her realize that if she enforces it, she is going to loose out. The wording was neutral, but smart.

I guess I kinda liked how she phrased it, so it made the request seem ridiculous, but I do agree I would have preferred her to come out more strongly in support.

I don't know how much 'editing' goes on between the letter and the advice, so maybe this was a way of minimizing the mistake on the DIL's part by agreeing to something and then not discussing it before backtracking.... Amy sidesteps that and puts it on the MIL to choose between her 'silly' restriction and missing out on her relationship with dil and grand-child??? Perhaps Amy felt the MIL (and MIL's of the world) would be more likely to reconsider with a more neutral wording than coming out full force??

And yea, ignoring the comments :


Jessica
post #20 of 27
6/7/08 at 6:09pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwanMom View Post
I'm curious about what the MIL's "reasons" were. The letter says she explained her reasons to the DIL.

I hope this letter was invented by Amy.
It seems like her reasons were:

"I don't want to see your boobies."

and

"That's gross."
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