Ds at home when laboring

[greenbeing]

I'm so anxious/nervous about what we're going to do with ds. At my MW appointment the other day, she said I really need to find someone who can come and take him for a few hours and even overnight. She said she's been to a lot of births where mom can't seem to get going because of the child/ren. Also, she's seen kids get scared because dh is with mom and can't pay attention to the children.

My mom will be here 3 days after my due date. We planned on having her attend to him while I birthed. If the baby did come before, I just figured we would work things out with having ds around. He's 3 1/2, and we've been reading about homebirth, looking at pix, and talking about what mommy may be doing.

We really don't have anyone close here that I would feel good about sending him to, especially overnight. He's never been anywhere overnight without us.I know two people who I would feel okay with if he had to go for a couple hours. I just worry how he would be and about his allergies (peanut and such).

Am I just thinking about this too much and worrying too much? I really would like him to be home, not necessarily to see the birth, but just to be there. I don't know, maybe I'm blowing this up to be more than it is. Does anyone have any experiences or thoughts on what do to??

[sunmamma]

What about having someone at your house who could be his advocate...ya know, get him food, take him to a playground if you needed some space, but someone who would be able to sort of camp out at your place even spend the night for the duration of your labor? that is what we are doing. Ds is a little older(turning 5 Tues!) and will be here for hte birth, but we have a good friend who will be here just for him, to serve whatever needs he has and to take him on an adventure if need be. The other important aspect of this which of course you do not want to dwell on but be aware of for sure, is if you had to go to the hospital for any reason, you would want to make sure you had someone anyway to care for your son. I think when your mw says some mamas can't get going because of other kids, it is b/c you cannot completely focus on yourself and go within. So, find someone who can take care of your son so you are able to do this. Because on the other hand, you don't want to be worrying about him being away from home somewhere else, not knowing how he is doing or if he is eating the right foods, etc(btw, I have a food allergy kiddo too!) Maybe one of the people who you would consider having him for a couple hours could come? Even just as an on-call back-up, seeing as you do have family coming right after your due date!

[odilemarie]

Yes, I agree with seeing if you can find someone to be at your house with him. That way, you know he's there and you can relax and feel secure he's being looked after.

My daughter was 8 at my homebirth and was all excited about it, but turned out to be a little freaked out by the experience, and we (stupidly) didn't prepare by having someone there for her.

I would prepare for any possible outcome. Children that young don't really know the reality of what to expect no matter how much you coach them, so having someone there who will really tune in to his needs would be ideal.

[greenbeing]

Having someone there does sound better than sending him off. And I have thought of the emergency situation, and of course, I would need someone if we had to transfer.
I plan on birthing upstairs, so to have someone playing with ds on the main floor, feeding him, and taking him out to the park or to play seems reasonable. I just hope my MW is okay with it. She seemed pretty set on him not being here. Honestly, I think that would worry me/distract me even more.

[elfinbaby]

I wish your mw wouldn't have scared you like this. I've had 3 different mws (2 pregnancies w/children around though) and none of them were worried about other kids being around. I don't remember if they even asked what I was planning for the other kids. Your mw has valid points of course. I think it is hard to predict exactly how kids will react.

With my second birth, ds just went with the flow. It was a short birth and he came and went as he pleased. The 3rd birth, the other 2 watched tv, came in and out, no biggie. So my experience has been positive and, from what I understand, most of the time kids are fine - that could just be my perception though. I just don't recall any of my mws saying kids being around was problematic.

I think it's good to be prepared but don't stress. Your mw has no say who is going to be present at your birth. Find your comfort zone and plans, express them to her w/no apologies. It sounds like she wants your ds out for her benefit, not yours. That's not fair. My ds, who hung around and did very well at his sister's birth at age 3 almost 4, could have been seen as a potential problem - he's active, loud, messy, etc. But he did great! He's not the "intuitive" type but he looked around, saw that everyone was calm so everything must be fine, mom was okay so he'd be fine, too. He did recall just recently how I was bellowing on the toilet, lol, but not in a frightening way.

I probably won't have anyone here for my kids. If an emergency arises, I'm calling the neighbors. I'm going to go out and buy a few treats for them to keep them occupied. Movies, colors/markers, books, etc. Fun new things for them to explore. Plus, I'm crossing my fingers to go at night so the point will be moot Of course, I have no control over that

Having someone there is a great safeguard I think. But let it be your choice not your mws. Just my 2 cents of course

[BirthFree]

Honestly, I was just thinking about this last night. My middle son is 4.5 and we were watching some birth videos to prep him some and he had a worried look on his face the ENTIRE time. He thought it was cool and really loved when the baby was coming out, but the intensity of the last contractions before baby was born (the noise of the Mom) scared him. He said he wants to be there (and I think he does for real), but he doesn't want me to be loud. There is no way I can guarantee that I won't be loud and I'm going to need my DH for sure (we have a doula, but I want my DH - and we're doing this UC).

So my DH and I said, "Oh, he can go play or whatever and just come in when he wants, if he just wants to see the baby pushed out, etc.", but I started thinking, what if he needs stuff in the middle of the intense part and DH can't help? I started getting really nervous b/c I don't have an answer for that...

Last time labor was so intense and fast that we woke up our oldest (he was then just 4 years old) when the baby was born immediately, but now that he is almost 6, he understands a ton better and while he thinks WAY more stuff is "gross!", he won't be scared even if I'm loud.

So all that to say... I'm right there with you. I don't really want to add ANOTHER person to our house b/c it feels to me some like even a doula will be a lot, but I'm worried about the kiddos. My best friend will take anyone we want to her house (our kids are best friends) so if our youngest is awake he'll go with her I'm sure, but I just don't know about the others...

I hope you are able to figure out something that works well for you!

[Twwly]

My MW has the opposite opinion. She thinks it's good of course if there is a caregiver there for the DC, but is totally fine with them being at births. She suggested explaining that "when you're working hard sometimes you make noise, like when Daddy carries something really heavy" and have demonstrations.

We've also been watching (explicit, not TLC) birth videos with DS and he gets really excited when the babies come out. Watching me go through that will be a whole 'nother thing, but we're going to have a carer around who he's used to (Grandma) and go with the flow.

I would personally not feel comfortable sending my DC away for their first overnight on such an occasion. I would personally be way too worried and I can see it being potentially damaging for the little one too.

[blessedmom68358]

I understand what you're saying. Even though our two oldest kids can and will likely be helpful, I'm worried about this, too. We just moved here last year and, while we have begun to make friends at church, we still have nobody we feel very comfortable with calling to come over and help. This is our first homebirth, so new territory for us and my parents are three+ hours away. Our youngest won't feel secure being taken away from me; she's very much a mama's girl. Other than my DH, my mom is the only one I'd feel secure leaving her with...

Hopefully everything will work out just fine for both of us!

[elfinbaby]

Yeah, I could be taking a chance by not preparing better, but it's always worked out(which doesn't mean I shouldn't prepare better). However, I should also mention that I birth fast - #1 3 hrs. #2 2 hrs. #3 6 hrs. I actually haven't prepared my 4 yr. old at all for the birth. I guess because, although it's certainly out of our norm, everybody just goes along like normal. I should prepare her though

I guess I just have a lot of faith that things will be fine and, so far, in my birthing experience, my faith has not been misplaced.

[greenbeing]

Hopefully everything will work out just fine for both of us!

They will. I need to stop worrying. My ds will be fine. If it gets to a point where I need someone else here, dh can call them. And I'll just have to let my MW know that I would even be more uncomfortable sending my ds somewhere. She should understand.

She suggested explaining that "when you're working hard sometimes you make noise, like when Daddy carries something really heavy" and have demonstrations.

Today, I was talking to ds about this and telling him how daddy will also have to be with me to rub my back and shoulders. Ds then showed me how well he gives backrubs too .

[*Karen*]

I told my MW that I really wanted DS to be a part of it. She said that she finds early labor/beginning of active is when it is hardest because your body may stall if you are caring for your child. I will have my MIL here to watch him, but unless we have issues I just plan on having him with us. I think he is too little to be scared by it, I think he will more think that it is milk time (if I don't have a shirt on) than anything else. I'm sure that it will work out just fine.