Forseeing problems with the inlaws

[Everrgreen]

Hello!

We had a conversation with DHs parents the other day that has left me a little concerned about what I may have to deal with this pregancy.
This is basically how the conversation went:

SIL - Oh you should try and get Dr. So and So, he's really great.
Me - No, I'll be using a midwife.
SIL - How does that work at the hospital?
Me - Well midwives have hospital privileges, but I'll be giving birth at home.
MIL - How do you get induced at home?
Me - You don't, you allow labour to happen naturally.
SIL - What about an epidural?
Me - I don't want one, I want to birth naturally.
SIL and MIL - *laughter*, followed by comments like "you'll see", "you have no idea"

:

So I have no idea how future conversations will go. Hopefully I can enlighten them.

On the flip side, my mom is very supportive of a home birth. And my dad is a little but unsure, but at least he is open minded and listens to me without laughing in my face.

Has anyone else had to deal with educating family who think they know it all?

[elspethshimon]

I would refuse to talk to them again (about issues related to labor, birth, etc.).

Personally, if my MIL treated me that way (and she can be very outspoken and VERY insensitive in her opinions) about something that meant so much to me, I would likely have my partner do handle all future communications.

If it was a safety issue, I would recommend some reading but it just sounds like they are being condescending about the issue of pain management. And it's been my experience that you can't "get through" to people like that and it's pointless to try.


I'm sorry this wasn't very helpful, but I also don't feel like you should put too much pressure on yourself to enlighten them.

[CityChic]

My MIL was very much the same. I pretty much just avoided talking about the delivery. When I went to the midwife I told my MIL we "saw the Dr. and everything is fine." For me it was just more stress than I could handle trying to explain it and convice them that I and my baby would be fine.

I hope you and your DH can find a way to be as stress free as possible and enjoy this wonderful experience! YOU ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!

[PaigeAnThem]

Unfortunately you might just have to accept that they aren't willing to be educated about it. It sounds like they have a very condescending attitude toward your birth plan and if it were my family, I'd just not discuss it with them. I had a lot of people laugh at me and give me the "uh-huh, just wait until your first contraction" line when I said I was not planning to use pain medications. You don't need that kind of negativity associated with your baby's birth.

If you think you might actually be able change their minds, then by all means try to educate them, but it sounds to me like they will just continue to be condescending and negative about it and possibly become defensive about their own birth choices.

I think the best way to show them is to just do it.

[nighten]

The way I handled it last time was to say, "My hope is that XYZ" because if I stated "This is what's going to happen" inevitably I'd get the "yeah right, whatever" response. Of course we got that response with the plan to use CDs, and breastfeed exclusively, and a whole host of other things.

People tend to be less antagonistic (or at least more accepting) of being told this is my hope, rather than this is definitely how it's going to be. But even my mother, who has tried to be very supportive, despite not understanding some of our choices, was horrified when my water broke last time and I didn't immediately rush to the birth center. I told her I was fine -- I wanted to labor at home, and so I did. Sometimes they just need reassurance that everything's okay, you know?

But my aunt (who's a rude, hateful woman -- childless by choice, and dislikes children anyway) when I saw her around 8 months last time, asked who my doctor was. She was mortified when I told her I was seeing a midwife and had not seen an OB. I might as well have told her I was planning to hatch an egg. So I merely told her it was fine, and safe, my midwife was certified, and the topic was not open for further discussion. Then I changed the subject. Thankfully I didn't have to interact with her much though.

But for ILs, since they're pretty unavoidable, it's a good idea I think to make use of the nine months you've got to slowly get your ILs introduced to the idea that things aren't going to be happening the way they typically do nowadays. I wouldn't rush it, nor would I seek them out for their advice. But when the topic comes up, just be very matter of fact and tell them that the hope is for XYZ to happen, then change the subject if you can.

Good luck!

[midnightmommy]

You'll learn really fast that everyone is dieing to tell you what to do with your baby. By about six months it all goes in one ear and out the other for the most part. I like to briefly consider what the person is saying, but only if I haven't done my own research. If I have and I know how I stand I just smile, and move on. The can complain and gossip all they want. I know what is good for my family. In the case of a home birth you could always point out that since it was so bad for them that they are lucky you are the one giving birth.

[Baby_Cakes]

Crashing your DDC to say that this is part of the reason I still haven't told my family that we're planning a homebirth. They still think I'm going to a hospital. I don't think they'll be accepting of the situation, and I'm DREADING the moment when it actually comes up. I'm hoping it's not at my shower.

Anyway, I would just say it's not up for further discussion. They don't sound like people who would be supportive even if they were educated more. They follow the mainstream way of thinking, and while they *might* support you if you try to explain it, you might just stress yourself out and that isn't a good thing either.

I've had a few interactions with people, not family, who have flat out told me that it "isn't safe", that "it's gross", and I just put a stop to those conversations. Why do any differently for family?

[mamazee]

Welcome to the world of Unsolicited Parenting Advice. It doesn't get better after birth, I'm afraid. You can give birth at home, and it can go beautifully, but other people will still be sure that They Know Best about EVERYTHING related to pregnancy and babies. Wait till you won't give cereal in the bottle at 2 weeks to get your baby to sleep through the night. "Oh we did that and all you kids were fine." Or making babies cry it out. "The baby has to be socialized to fit in the family it's joining. The family shouldn't have to change to accommodate a baby." Those are from my mom.

SO the point is that I don't think you can get them to stop. I think a more realistic solution is to be at peace with your choices and try not to get upset about what anyone else thinks about them. I know it isn't easy but it beats banging your head against a brick wall continually. And it really will just get worse.

[Everrgreen]

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments!

I agree with the ideas that I shouldn't discuss my plans with them and I'm going to do that. It probably would be too much stress to try and educate and just not worth it. I have done lots of research and know this is the right decision and I have the support of my mom and my husband.

It's so true that people love to share their horror stories. I guess I'll have to learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. And maybe try and be more assertive and tell them to shut it

Anyway, thanks all!

[luv]

YOu say "Thanks for informing me. I'll think about it." then you change the subject and do your best to forget what they said

-luv

[Lisanne]

Sounds like my MIL. She kept telling me with my first baby that I would change my mind about getting an epidural and that I didn't have to prove anything by being in pain. Her first 2 were natural I think and with my husband she had an epidural. Her daughters have had epidurals. The more she talked about it the more determined I became to go without it I can't wait to hear what she has to say about me considering a home birth this time.

[RabbitDancer]

Gillian, you've got the right attitude and approach! With opinionated people like this there's just no point. They don't care about why someone would choose to do things differently and they won't listen.

I had a planned, midwife-attended homebirth with my last child and we never told my in-laws about it. (Of course, it helped that they never once asked any details about my pregnancy at all, which is a whole other issue.) My husband didn't want them to know about it because he knew it would just bring negativity we didn't need, and I respected that. So the day my son was born, after we'd all gotten some much-needed rest he called his mother to give her the news. "So you're home? Already??" she said. "Yep, we're home!" my husbad replied. "Geez, I can't BELIEVE how fast they're pushing women out of there nowadays!!" she responded. Heh.

Thanks to the family gossip tree, she did find out months later that he was born at home with a midwife. Gotta love how that works! But of course she never said anything about it to us. Which is fine by me!

[boscopup]

Oh, I got that line about pain meds from SO many people with my first! Even my DH said it! Thankfully, he did NOT have that attitude during the labor and was very very very supportive and wonderful. And yes, I gave birth without pain meds, and then I went on to do it again the next time. You can do it! Just read positive birth stories (UC ones were the best empowering stories for me to read with my first, even though I wasn't planning a UC), surround yourself with positive people, and stop conversations that deal with typical hospital intervention style labor.

[ewolthuis]

I would be so thankful that you have the support of your mother and husband, some of the most important people you need support from! Secondly, I have realized that many of the "we did it with you, and you turned out fine" comments from the older generation seem to be rooted in a sense of feeling judged by their children. We never say it directly, but the "You didn't breastfeed me!" (or whatever) statement is underneath the surface, causing a feeling of guilt. I try to understand those defensive/offensive statements in that light. Also, as my mother has watched me pregnant, birthing, and raising my 2.5yo son, she has initially rejected or expressed doubt about many of my choices, but eventually come around to respecting and even, dare I say, being proud of me for some of them. I think she now proudly tells her friends that I breastfed my son for over two years, never gave him a bottle, cloth diaper him, etc. So, you might want to just visualize your mother in law bragging to her friends someday that her daughter in law gave birth with NO PAIN MEDICINE!!!