Another mom @ birth discussion

[Kim919]

When I decided on a HB i decided right off the bat that it would be just me & my SO, along w/ my MW & if she required an assistant. I didn't really give it much thought. My M-I-L was informed through casual conversation, with no argument, and I dont think I ever actually said it to my mom, she just assumed that is how it would be.

I'm having second thoughts now. My mother is wonderful. She has been so supportive of me despite this being an unplanned pregnancy. Even though she is not happy that we decided not to get married right away she has calmly and firmly stuck up for me in every family situation & is the only person who has full unwaivering faith in me. She knows my MW is extreemly well respected & I think is a bit jealous (in a healthy way) that she was not informed enough when she was having children to take advantage of midwife care. (she did have 3 fully natural hospital births w/ no complications)

When I suggest even the most rutine problems she scoffs and says i'm worrying too much, that it will all go smoothly. Its not that she is ignoring my feelings or trying to keep me calm - she really has faith in my abilities as a mother.

My mom has been through a LOT in her life. She lost her mother to agressive cancer when she was pregnant with me, she had the most abusive marriage imagionable, as well as a laundry list of other issues. I have so much respect for the way she raised me and my sisters, as well as what she has accomplished personally. She is a well educated level headed woman who is a very calming loving presence in my life. I can not think of a single instance in my life where she has been condisending. She treats children like very small adults-and affords them more respect then most people ever show anyone. If she disagrees with you she has a rational discussion about it and then lets you go to make your own mistakes.

So it sounds like an easy decision, right? Ask her if she will help during the birth. But....

It took me a month to convince my SO to be there at all, he didn't want to even be in the house (his father keeps telling him how horrible its going to be and how he will regret being there) He is still not that into it. He has never witnessed even a kitten being born and doesn't have any kind of peace about it. He doesn't have any real faith in me & I think he envisions it about exactly the way he would plan on watching someone come into the living room and saw my arm off with a rusty dull hack saw. He has NO idea even the basic things involved in a birth. He will be uncomfortable w/ the MW there anyways. The only way he is going to participate at all is if he is forced to out of neccsesity.

If my mom is there I know he will fade into the corner if not leave alltogether. They get along well & really like each other but if she is coaching me he will not. I want him to be an active part in the birth of his child. I really think if i dont MAKE him participate I will be robbing him of the experience & he will regret it later.

So what do I do?

Try to get him to help & if he is doing really lousy call my mom? (25min drive)

Have my mom there and let him miss out on the experience?

Any other ideas?

[zoebird]

it seems to me that he wants to 'miss out' on the experience. and if this is the case, i honestly think that you should let him.

i would even go so far as to make arrangements with him as to when he will want to leave (he may want to leav ethe house altogether), and that you'll contact him when the baby is born.

if it is truly what he wants, i see no reason not to give it to him.

and, you do have the opportunity to have great support from your mom, so why not simply walk into the wonderful situation that has presented itself?

sounds like a good birth to me.

[Newbie Mom]

My dh informed me after I was a few months pregnant that he didn't want to be there during the delivery. I too am having a homebirth and plan to have only the MW and the MW's assistant present besides my dh.

The thing is - I kind of understand why someone wouldn't want to be there during the birth. I'm not sure I would if I were a guy. Afterall, I've had opportunities to witness women giving birth and I've declined because the whole thing used to gross me out. That is until I got pregnant myself. I wouldn't be too hard on your SO about this. My dh has helped various animals give birth so he's not squeamish, he said he just doesn't want to see a baby coming out of me 'down there' and that he's afraid he won't be able to look at sex between us the same way again.

It's not exactly a nice thing for a pregnant woman to hear but I'd rather him be honest with me than be there and be repulsed by the whole thing. I have told him that I expect that he will be there with me to support me during the labour until the pushing stage. I really get along with my MW and I'm sure I'll be able to get the rest of the job done with her guidance and without dh presence. My sister said that he'll likely get caught up in the excitement and want to stay until the end anyways but we'll see!

I guess what I'm saying is no matter what you WANT your SO to feel and do, you really have to respect his wishes as well. If he ends up with regrets for not being there - it's his loss.

[Peony]

My take on this is that you can't make him be a part of this, well you can to some degree but it might not be the lightbulb moment you were looking for. I do totally understand. My DH was NOT into it at all, he agreed to be with me with DD1, with the agreement that my mom would be right outside and she would come in if he needed out. We did that and it worked very well for us, he had the knowledge that it wasn't all or nothing for him, there was an out. I also did not plan on him coaching me or anything, that is just not something he would ever in a billion years do, in the end it would of been me coaching him on how to coach me while laboring. He did hold my hand during the last part of my labor with DD1, that was something he was able to do.




I thought he did so well during my labor with DD1, later on I found out that he was absolutely terrified the entire time, and the silence that I assumed was him actually being calm was rather sheer terror. I say that with a laugh, because that is just him, he is never going to be the father who is massaging me and giving me sips of water while picking out the next CD to put on while I'm in labor. He is a wonderful father, but this whole birth aspect is not one of his favorites. He almost missed DD2's birth because he couldn't get off the toilet because he was so nervous, my MW got him out just in time, without a second to spare. For DD2's birth I agreed to have my mom there again as support for DH and DD1, in fact DH asked me to hire a doula, not for me but for him, he felt he needed someone to support him. I didn't, but we ended up with two MW's that spent most of their time supporting him while I labored in the bedroom alone, which is what I wanted.





Maybe your mom being there will make your SO feel like all the pressure isn't on him. Have your mom's job be supporting your SO so he can support you in his own way. He might be feeling a a lot of pressure to preform a certain way during the labor, and maybe if he felt some of the pressure gone, he might rise up to the task in his own way.

[Salema]

My DH and I had a great HB, but it scared the HELL out of him. When the baby was crowning, it was apparently quite a sight. I think it helped for him to have seen birth videos and to spend time up by my head -- not catching the baby.

If your SO is up for it, have him attend birth classes with you. If possible, sign up for something that is weeks and weeks long - it will give greater opportunity for discussions to come up and for him to learn more.

I think it's fair for you to talk to your mom and explain that you really want him to present and that her presence might cause him to withdraw. BUT that you want her on stand by. What mom would say no to that?!

You can have your MWs in the discussion too, so that if they see that you need help that your SO can't provide, you can call in your mom as back up.

For me, it was really important to ONLY have my DH and the MWs at the birth. It strengthened our family bond in such great ways. So I really support your idea of having your SO at the birth. If he's open to it, it will be an amazing way for him to learn how to be present for you, which you will really need in the weeks following the birth.

Good luck!

[Kim919]

Thanks for all the quick replies!! You mostly had a different outlook on the situation then I was taking & it was helpful to hear your opinions.

Originally Posted by Salema

My DH and I had a great HB, but it scared the HELL out of him. When the baby was crowning, it was apparently quite a sight. I think it helped for him to have seen birth videos and to spend time up by my head -- not catching the baby.

If your SO is up for it, have him attend birth classes with you. If possible, sign up for something that is weeks and weeks long - it will give greater opportunity for discussions to come up and for him to learn more.

I think it's fair for you to talk to your mom and explain that you really want him to present and that her presence might cause him to withdraw. BUT that you want her on stand by. What mom would say no to that?!

You can have your MWs in the discussion too, so that if they see that you need help that your SO can't provide, you can call in your mom as back up.

For me, it was really important to ONLY have my DH and the MWs at the birth. It strengthened our family bond in such great ways. So I really support your idea of having your SO at the birth. If he's open to it, it will be an amazing way for him to learn how to be present for you, which you will really need in the weeks following the birth.

Good luck!

I'm glad you read between the lines to realize my SO is a good person.

I didn't mean to paint him like a bad guy, he is wonderful & trys really hard. He just doesn't "get it" sometimes when it comes to what I need emotionally. He will be a wonderful father & is really excited (like ecstatic) about the idea of having a child (3+) he just can't get excited about having a baby, but once they are here I know he will be really suprised at how much he likes the baby part too.

He did agree (without much pushing) to attend Bradley classes, which will start in a few weeks & are 12 weeks long, so maybe that will help.

He has also come with me to every appointment so far (even though he is uncomfortable at them) and I made it clear at the beginning that he didn't need to come to any if he didn't want to. He is proud as a peacock that I decided to birth at home, I think he thinks it makes me seem really strong. He even sort of brags about it to people I would have never told (which I wish he wouldn't do just in case of a transfer!)

I'm hoping that if I do decide to go ahead and try with him as a coach it will really be a bonding thing like you experienced. Your right too about my mom being a willing backup without feeling "second string." and I could always make a point to pull her aside at a different time before or after the baby to make sure she understands how much her support means to me.

[mntnmom]

If he just can't step up for you, you will need someone who can. Mom sounds like she fits the bill.

My DH was involved in getting limited medical care for birthing moms, and even a poor girl with a botched abortion in Kenya. He has seen animals born(helped with a cow) and has no fears about the PROCESS of birth in general. He was still scared, and trying REALLY hard to be supportive of me with our first. It's completely understandable that your guy is afraid to see you in pain, and be helpless to do anything to stop it.
It's great that you want him to be part of this, but it IS your birth...you still have to look out for yourself.
Good Luck

[Salema]

We've been discussing my mom's role at this next birth and my DH actually joked, "maybe she could be here to help you birth and I'll be playing with DS!"

Ha ha ha.

I told him, "nice try dude. Your job is to hold my hand. Her job (if anything) is to take care of DS."

So even though he was so glad to be fully present at DS's birth, I think the idea of another birth still makes him shallow breathe a bit. And really, it's so normal for him to have worries and concerns. It's not like the mamas-to-be don't also have worries and concerns to work through!

And the Bradley classes will be great - especially if he knows that your mom will be on back up, so that if he isn't up to "coaching", he can still be present and loving while he is being "birthed into fatherhood".

[zoebird]

i didn't think that your SO wasn't a good person.

i can completely understand why a father wouldn't want to attend a birth. there are many reasons, and i consider it within the range of normal and healthy. it's entirely appropriate for him to not to want to be there.

as an aside, my mother has no interest in being at the birth of our child. it would be silly to want her there, because it's simply not a good place for her. my mother is a wonderful woman and we have a wonderful relationship. but i also love and respect her needs, which include not being present for the birth.

if my husband had a similar need, i would not have a problem with him going elsewhere. sure, he might regret it later or what have you--but all of that belongs to him, you know? he'll work it out.