DH Showers with dsd.. Is this OK? - Page 3

[*Erin*]

no way jose!

[jeliphish]

not appropriate at all

[PassionateWriter]

Originally Posted by aniT

I wouldn't think mom and son would be OK either. And it's completely different than a hot tub as you wear a swimsuit in there.

I also don't think it is prudish. I think at that age children need their privacy just as much as adults do.

I think that four is a good cut off age for taking baths/showers with children of the opposite sex.

not everyone wears a swimsuit in their own hot tub.

i think children, and adults, need their privacy. I do think the comfort level of BOTH is important. However, I believe our society has a lot of hang ups about nudity. My family does not. My son co slept until around 8ish and we are all comfortable being nude around each other..its not a big deal at all w/ kids if its not made to be a big deal. I find around 13 things get a bit different since kids tend to be going through a lot of changes, but before those stages, I see no need to "make" kids behave a certain way around family depending on their clothed state.

Originally Posted by mamaofthree

i think people are to quick to supect nastiness for a loving family. that is sad. if the dad is no longer comfy showerinfg with his dd then he needs to nicely tell her so.
how messed up have we become that families seeing each other naked has become this sex crazed act?

nicely said.

Originally Posted by mamaofthree

i am glad there is a specific cut off age of bathing with your kids. : i will be sure to let my boys know this. sheesh. everything becomes nasty at 4? how about if you nurse at 4 or co-sleep at 4? does that all stop too and become perverted? i have a wee-one turning 4 in july... he still seems like a baby. i can't even wrap my mind around this... seriously.

h

me either.

Originally Posted by mamaofthree

see it isn't a PROBLEM to ask questions. to educate your kids. my children have had no privacy issues.. the boys are all comfy being naked, maybe it is because I haven't made it out to be nasty. maybe we could end up raising children who aren't so freaked out about nakedness together.

h

i think this is a big reason so many adults are so uptight. parents have made nudity out to be such a no no.

Originally Posted by thismama

Well the vast majority of perps of sexual abuse are men who are heterosexual in their adult orientation. Sooo... i tend to trust mamas a heck of a lot more than I do fathers. There's sexist and then there's reality, yk?

Not that I'd be too cool about a mother/son combo of this age showering together either. But I always see the 'omgz reverse sexism' card pulled in these discussions and I think the logic is seriously flawed.

im not up on the whole perps of sexual abuse thing, but i dont have any in my family and im certainly not one (i have 3 sons, no daughters).

i do think its sexist to assume a father is a perp. I dont think its reality.

i would love to know how my logic that a father would love his dd just as much as a mother would love her son is flawed. *shrug*

[nextcommercial]

I'm not comfortable with that either.

It will also cause custody issues if her Mom isn't comfortable with it. And the judges will side with mom.

[New_Natural_Mom]

Originally Posted by mamaofthree

i think people are to quick to supect nastiness for a loving family. that is sad. if the dad is no longer comfy showerinfg with his dd then he needs to nicely tell her so.
i think it is a shame that a dad would feel uncomfortable horsing around with his dds. just because they are girls they no longer get physical attention? how messed up have we become that families seeing each other naked has become this sex crazed act?

h

horsing around clothed = 1 thing

horsing around naked = another

[Mandynee22]

Originally Posted by TipToe

Thank you all for sharing your opinions. Sometimes you just have to bounce things off of people and make sure you're not overreacting, especially in a step-parent situation. If it doesn't happen again, then I guess it won't be an issue. If, like on other occassions, it does happen again, I may be back for a little more feedback!

I'm gonna be the oddball here :-)
I do think you're overreacting and should stay out. If he's uncomfortable then he should tell her so (his and her business) but if it's the situation in general- it's no big deal, IMO. And still their business anyway.
My dad used to let me shower with him when I was a kid. Had to have been at least 2nd grade because I lived on the Cape. Neither of us were bothered and it was a good way to get a kid who didn't feel like showering to do it :-)
His long time live in GF put a stop to it and I was pissed. That was pretty much the only one on one time I got since she had her four kids living at my dad's house. Even if they had been his kids too, I still would have been mad.
I was never molested by him, there was never anything inappropriate.
So.. IDK your situation, but if you guys have kids together or you have other kids or if you're always with them on their visitation time- make sure they have the opportunity to have one on one time if he decides to stop the showers.
I'm not saying it's wrong if he feels uncomfortable. Heck, I probably would too if I were him. But the importance of the showers probably has nothing to do with being naked.

[Mandynee22]

Originally Posted by aniT

I also don't think it is prudish. I think at that age children need their privacy just as much as adults do. I know a woman who used to force her way into the bathroom to wash her son's hair until he was 14. He was completely uncomfortable with that but mom didn't care.

Children only need privacy when they want it- and usually that starts a little before puberty (or a couple yrs before- depending on the kid) when the hormones start making them and a fig leaf isn't enough anymore.
Obviously, forcing your way in on a naked kid is wrong, but washing the hair of a kid that doesn't care if you see them nude is fine. IMHO :-)

[ChristaN]

Originally Posted by Mandynee22

Children only need privacy when they want it- and usually that starts a little before puberty (or a couple yrs before- depending on the kid) when the hormones start making them and a fig leaf isn't enough anymore.

Sometimes, sometimes not. My 7 3/4 y/o is pretty fine with running around nude around me and her dad still. Her older sister (9 3/4) started getting very upset if her little sister, cousin, or anybody came in the bathroom when she was going potty by the time she was 4 or 5, I'd say. She has been wanting privacy for changing for a few years now and she is not anywhere near puberty that I can tell.

From what the OP posted, it sounds like her dsd is not uncomfortable with the situation. I don't know that it is prudish to suggest to an older child that there comes a time where people may want privacy for bathing, though.

[thismama]

Originally Posted by PassionateWriter

im not up on the whole perps of sexual abuse thing, but i dont have any in my family and im certainly not one (i have 3 sons, no daughters).

i do think its sexist to assume a father is a perp. I dont think its reality.

i would love to know how my logic that a father would love his dd just as much as a mother would love her son is flawed. *shrug*

Don't put words in my mouth. I'm not saying this father is a perp, and I'm not saying he doesn't love his child as much as the mother does. I'm saying that it's not appropriate IMO for either parent to shower with an opposite gender child of this age. Period.

I am also saying it is NOT sexist to acknowledge that the vast majority of perps of child sexual abuse are (het) men, and to take extra precautions based on that. Sexual abuse of children is rampant, most of it is committed by men who they know and who everyone thinks is a normal, great guy... fathers, step fathers, brothers, neighbours, teachers. Regular dudes, and a LOT of them (or a few who get around a lot but don't get caught, but my money is on the theory that it is a LOT of men, or the few who have many many many victims would eventually get caught, no?)

It is NOT only or mainly convicted, obvious paedophiles who we need to watch out for. THAT is reality. Sad reality, but reality, and there is nothing offensive about acknowledging it as such and taking steps to protect our children. What is offensive is allowing the epidemic of child sexual abuse to continue unchallenged coz we don't want to step on toes or gawd forbid be accused of 'reverse sexism.'

[hibana]

Originally Posted by Demeter9

One person isn't comfy, then that is the end of it under any circumstances.

Simple.

:

[PassionateWriter]

Originally Posted by thismama

Don't put words in my mouth. I'm not saying this father is a perp, and I'm not saying he doesn't love his child as much as the mother does. I'm saying that it's not appropriate IMO for either parent to shower with an opposite gender child of this age. Period.

I am also saying it is NOT sexist to acknowledge that the vast majority of perps of child sexual abuse are (het) men, and to take extra precautions based on that. Sexual abuse of children is rampant, most of it is committed by men who they know and who everyone thinks is a normal, great guy... fathers, step fathers, brothers, neighbours, teachers. Regular dudes, and a LOT of them (or a few who get around a lot but don't get caught, but my money is on the theory that it is a LOT of men, or the few who have many many many victims would eventually get caught, no?)

It is NOT only or mainly convicted, obvious paedophiles who we need to watch out for. THAT is reality. Sad reality, but reality, and there is nothing offensive about acknowledging it as such and taking steps to protect our children. What is offensive is allowing the epidemic of child sexual abuse to continue unchallenged coz we don't want to step on toes or gawd forbid be accused of 'reverse sexism.'

i was not putting words in your mouth. your words are quoted below for anyone to see.

what you are suggesting is that we mothers need to protect our daughters from their fathers. you are saying, here and below, that if we dont prevent fathers from showering with daughters, that we are allowing child sex abuse to continue...this is basically a conviction of all fathers...below you say its inappropriate period.

i just do not understand your logic. I do not think all daughters need to be protected from their fathers, by their mothers.

I just can not see your views as anything other than a conviction of all fathers.

[Jannah6]

If he's not comfortable with it, then why's he still doing it? Did he say when he became uncomfortable?

[Mandynee22]

Originally Posted by ChristaN

Sometimes, sometimes not. My 7 3/4 y/o is pretty fine with running around nude around me and her dad still. Her older sister (9 3/4) started getting very upset if her little sister, cousin, or anybody came in the bathroom when she was going potty by the time she was 4 or 5, I'd say. She has been wanting privacy for changing for a few years now and she is not anywhere near puberty that I can tell.

From what the OP posted, it sounds like her dsd is not uncomfortable with the situation. I don't know that it is prudish to suggest to an older child that there comes a time where people may want privacy for bathing, though.

And that's great. SHE isn't comfortable with it and that needs to be respected. My point was that it's up to the kid. Some might want privacy at 2- others not till 12. Usually though (at least according to the show I heard on Dr Radio LOL) it happens around when puberty starts- which may or may not mean there are outside signs of it.
I don't think it's prudish at all to tell a child that YOU aren't comfortable being naked around them, or that they aren't cool being naked around you (or whoever). But if neither party cares (and I wonder if he really doesn't care but says he does to appease OP because he keeps on doing it) then it's no biggie.

[uptowngirl]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

Little hairs on the back of my neck are standing up, I'm a little confused.

I wonder why a grown man would shower with his step daughter if he wasn't comfortable....why is he doing it?!

Why would a grown man shower with his 10 year old step daughter rainstorm or not?

And why would you come here and say "well if it happens again...."

Seems really strange. Why would it happen again if your husband doesn't like it?

It just doesn't make any sense at all.

I am ALL OVER THIS. Not ok--downright creepy IMO.

[veronicalynne]

I would not be comfortable either. My dd1 who is now 3 1/2 stopped showering with her dad when she was about 3. It was his choice because she was getting kind of curious. I definitely would not be comfortable if she was 10 and showering with her dad.

[Jster]

I think it's interesting/important to note that the OP felt uncomfortable about the situation, her little red flags went up. Usually, when there IS a problem with something being inappropriate, people do innately know, but they bury their intuition for whatever reason and it can lead to problems.

Here, it seems like the dad isn't comfortable, it struck the step mom as a little odd (and she knows the comfort levels for nudity, the likelihood of early puberty, etc. a lot better than any of us), and those feelings shouldn't be ignored. The book "Protecting the Gift" has some great suggestions about how to listen to your intuition in order to keep things safe. And it doesn't just have to be about fear of a sexual predator, it can be just so that everyone is comfortable. Maybe this mom having her radar up and talking to her DH will facilitate a conversation with DSD that showering together isn't a good idea anymore. And it sounds like, based on how the dad feels, that would be best. We don't have to always look on the dark side in order to find a good solution to a given situation, and it is sometimes good to just look at the situation in hand and not get caught up in hypotheticals.

[gingerbane]

Originally Posted by Jannah5

If he's not comfortable with it, then why's he still doing it? Did he say when he became uncomfortable?

I wouldn't be comfortable with that situation AT ALL.

[nalo]

WAY outside the comfort zone for me. I find that very odd.

[Mama2Bug]

I think the child in question is too old to shower/bathe with any adult of either gender. I find it difficult to believe that a ten year old girl would be entirely comfortable bathing with her father. (I understand that this may not be true for some families, but I can't wrap my brain around it, personally.)

I also wonder why, if Dad was uncomfortable, he chose to get in the shower with his daughter.

Additionally, I am curious to know what it is about a rainstorm that necessitates a shower. Dry clothes and a warm towel, yes. A shower though? Was it raining mud?

[cats7494]

I find it to be very odd...