Is your DH going to be a help or a hindrance?

[Halfasianmomma]

I dunno...maybe it's my mood lately, and maybe it's DH's mood as well. I've started to feel, as the birth approaches, that DH won't really be any help to me. I've been doing lots of hypnobabies listening, preparing myself mentally for the birth, nesting whenever I have the energy...and I feel like DH just isn't "into" this pregnancy anymore. A few days ago, he said he was hoping I'd go into labor really soon, and for some reason, I wondered if it was because he was hoping to get out of having to go to work or something (this is the first time in his life that DH has worked a full-time job instead of working for himself). Also, he hasn't yet learned or read the hypnobabies scripts, so I feel like he's just not interested.

Oyah and he *had* quit smoking and then starting "going out for walks" a lot, until I called him on it, and then he just started back smoking again. I REALLY don't want him "taking breaks" during my birth and coming back smelling like an ashtray, and I don't need to be helping him with withdrawal while I'm birthing. It's MY birth goddamnit and since we're only doing this once, I want things MY WAY.

Generally though, I guess I feel like I'll handle things better without someone there hovering over me, not really knowing what to do, or just awkwardly helping me. Heck, I'm not even sure about the doula being there anymore...Maybe I'm wrong and things will be different...but it makes me feel very lonely as the birth approaches.

[~*~MamaJava~*~]

it's pretty normal for people to have different ways of approaching and getting 'ready' for this huge, huge thing that's going to happen called parenthood..and labor!! my dh is always a little weird late in pregnancy because it doesn't get really, really, REAL to him until i am due. he's not carrying the baby and he's just not there with me, kwim? we always pick names at like week 38. we're still working on this one but he is pure GOLD during labor, I cannot imagine doing it without him. he is just my steady calm rock. no, he's not suggesting this and that, but he just supports me, quietly, and lets me do what i need to do. never shows any fear or stress or judgment. unlike everyone else.

anyways, too - i also often feel lonely as birth approaches - i hate that feeling too, but i think it's a bit necessary because really, you're the one who's going to do it. dh is there, doula is there, medical personnel - you're the one who's birthing that baby! i remind myself of that every time as i set up who's there, how we're doing things, etc, etc - it's all extra because this is my show!

[beanmakes3]

Yeah, everyone is pretty individual about these things. All I can say is that my DH is much better at being the strong steady rock, and others are who I enlist to help w/ "coping" (i.e., counter pressure on my back/hips, new positions, etc).

permit me a self-indulgent little reminiscence? I *think* it could help. With our first, DH and I had really, really no idea what to expect........except we thought we did. When nothing from childbirth classes helped, he panicked, sat down and started timing contractions (we had already established that i was in labour at that point). At some point he insisted on calling the doula, who arrived promptly and was a lifesaver. She helped him to help me, and took over when it was clear I needed him for other things (e.g., if he left the room to get more cold water, i would instantly ask where he went...I needed to know he was right there all the time). So, you have a doula...that's good. They can often surmise what a mama needs b/c of their experience.

Also, I think that sometimes partners (esp. of the dad variety) just "retreat" when the pressure is on. He may be mentally preparing, or trying to give you space, or....I wonder if the smoking is due to stress? And, the hoping to have the baby soon may be a wish for things to get back to "normal" or a way to "get it over with" instead of worrying about it all the time. was he at your DSS's birth? He may also be remembering what that was like, and depending on if it was good or bad, worried about repeating that.

I don't know if that helps at all, but I think my message is something like, you don't always know how things will go with these beans arriving, so trying to communicate with all who will be present to help you about what you imagine needing from them can go a long way. Processing the experience afterward is also helpful...

HTH.

[Halfasianmomma]

MamaJava...thanks, I think your post really helped and made me feel more "normal" about being a bit lonely right now. I don't know why, but I felt like it was wrong...

beanmakes3...yeah my DH was at DSS' birth and it was very traumatic. It took 58 hours total and ended in a c-section, after which DSS was in NICU for major breathing problems...then he had to be force fed for weeks afterwards, and 2 months later, DSS' mother disappeared for 2 years. Not a good experience. This probably why he doesn't want us to try a homebirth; he's too afraid of things going wrong.

But thank you, I do think your post really helped. I keep having to remind myself not to set things in stone and just go with it when the birth happens, so I'm too frazzled when things don't go *my way* or how I imagined it.

[MamaDee4]

I was thinking about this last night. I think we may expect too much from our hubbies. They just aren't women and have no idea what we are going through. It's why we had a doula with our third. He was great, though, like some others said....his role was to support me. He was a calm, steady presence to calm me--and he did. But is he a doula? No. Does he know all the best ways to help back labor? No. Does he know the best positions to suggest. No.

Having said that I think it can be done with only mom and dad. We did it with baby four and five. It was different than having a doula, though. I had to take a bit more responsibility on myself for changing positions, suggesting things to him, etc. I did notice a difference. So this time, I hope to very gently show him some reading I am doing that is addressed to the partner. I want to go over some things he can do to help. I want to be honest with him about what I need--while being realistic about what a man can provide.

Could I get him to memorize a hypnobirthing script? No way. Can we both come to some understanding about what we both can expect and handle? Yes. We can help our partners help us and then we have to respect their abilitites and temperments, too.

I wish the hospital had a doula on staff to have that extra support, but we didn't go as far as hiring someone. I also like it just being us two. Hopefully, we'll get a good nurse. That helps.

Dee

[kltroy]

Don't forget too... not all husbands are "into" being a birth partner. For some guys it's just too weird and intense of an experience and they don't feel comfortable seeing their wife uncomfortable or working that hard. I know this was the case with my BIL when my SIL had her baby a few years ago. In an effort to be sensitive to this possibility I have always told my husband that he should take whatever role he's most comfortable with in this whole thing. That's great that you're planning on having a doula too, because that will take a lot of the pressure off him. I think the important thing to ask him is if he *wants* to be your primary support person, or if he would feel more comfortable in a less engaged role. He may surprise you and himself and step up to it, or he may feel better at a slight distance. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, just that he's not completely comfortable with the role you've assigned him.

If he is receptive, you might consider marking some important sections of "The Birth Partner" for him. This is a terriffic reference that has checklists of things like comfort measures, things to do, things he may be feeling, things YOU may be feeling, etc. Very practical and may take some of the "what should I do?" away.

[RainRaven]

hindrance, I love him but he is no help. I am sending him to a friends house until I am getting close then I will have someone call him. With my other 2 he was really no help he just really annoyed me.

[DiannaK]

excellent question ..... and excellent answers!!!

I got a Bradley book ... left it laying around, DH never even glanced at it. Printed out birth affirmations from HypnoBabies, DH never even looked.

We had a talk about ... did I need a doula?? What I was really asking him was .... Are YOU going to be able to help me, in the way that I need?? Keep me focused, and be my advocate??

He absolutely was, and I love him even more every day for that. Did he chant affirmations for me, or help me get positioned in the bed, with pillows all around?? Nope ... but he stayed with me, when I needed him ... and that was exactly what I needed. I distinctly remember snippets of conversation with him, after I got to the hospital ...
--- I told him to get IN MY FACE ... I was scared out of my mind, and losing control, and I needed to re-focus
-- EVERY single time I said ... I can't do this, he told me, in no uncertain terms ... "you ARE doing this, and you're fantastic"
-- told him I loved him, numerous times during labor ... crying the whole time!!

I agree with some of the PPs ... sometimes we expect TOO much, or we expect them to do things OUR way ... with my DH, the more of a hands off approach I take, the more he consistently surprises me with what he can and will do.

[BirthFree]

Well I've had his "help" twice (which kinda just wasn't help) and then his real help last time. He says he's ready this time again. I think he'll help. He saved my buns last time... it was great.

I think doulas help give them assurance (direction when they're "floundering" not knowing what to do, tips when it's not "right", but they don't interfere), and really, the doula's job is to make him look good if HE is your birth partner. Sometimes I've had the Dad abdicate his birth partner role to me (with Mom's ok) and that's worked ok too... but I like to make him the shining star... because then I go home and he stays you know?

You might be surprised.
But definitely talk to him about the smoking thing. Perhaps he can get the gum or a patch for labor eh?

Good luck!!! I'm a little nervous too so we're in good company.

[Nimbus]

I think my dh will be more of a help than hinderance. That said, he has lots of trouble handling stressful situations and can't multi-task to save his life. There will be lots of stress and often lots of multi-tasking, so I don't know how that will work. Maybe he'll surprise me and be utterly amazing. I know he loves me and wants to do all he can to help. I don't want to put too much pressure on him. I just want him to be there, to want to help, and to try. When I gave birth to ds I pretty much just ignored everyone anyway. A circus could have tromped through the room and I wouldn't have noticed, I was so focused on my body and my baby.

DH is starting to feel the stress and realize some of the pressure he's under. Yesterday he said, "Going into this, I wouldn't have imagined my role would be almost as stressful as yours." I could help but laugh and tell him I'd gladly trade places. However, I think that's an indication of him acknowledging his role is really important. Whatever happens, I know he'll do his best.

[elfinbaby]

He could definitely be preparing in his own way. If you find a good moment, let him know how you envision things unfolding and what you expect. Let him know how important this is to you and that you need him. Dh is kind of checked out right now, too, but he's done this before so his checking mainly has to do with his boss trying to pour projects on him.

Dh is great during birthing. He just steps up and "gets" it somehow. However, I don't require much and you may not either - who knows? I need juice and a back rub at times but that's it. I don't want him talking or encouraging or trying to "connect" w/me. We talked about this last night as I was going through the Hypnobabies stuff with him and I was like "Wow! This expects a lot out of you. You know I don't want you doing all this stuff, right?" So don't let a book's expectations worry you because we're all individuals and require different things. You will know when you are birthing and you can just tell him.

I don't think Dh knew squat about Hbabies when I used it last time. I don't know why, I just didn't share. Not that it's not useful I'm sure but I was good on my own. I told him about cue words and such this time but whatever. It's more about me and how I use it. I think Hbabies is a solid program that really doesn't require anyone to help you relax - that's why I like it.

You have a doula, right? Maybe you can talk to your doula and dh together. Let everyone in on your birth vision/expectations/needs. I think you've got your bases covered. If I was in the hospital all I would want is for someone to act as a guard for my birthing space. Otherwise, just a drink every now and then

[happyhippiemama]

You know, I was really worried about this. I thought DP would not do well. I shouldn't have underestimated him. He wasn't one of those oh-my-god-he-did-everything-right-i-couldn't-have-managed-without-him DPs, but he did pretty good. He took direction well, and he didn't piss me off.

Except in early labor, when he was running to the kitchen every two seconds to stuff something into his mouth, he was so nervous. I finally yelled at my mom, "will you go get him a fricking MEAL to eat, already, so he'll stop doing that?"

They actually both laughed at me, so I guess I don't have to feel guilty for being a bitch. Heh.

[Hokulele]

I remember this feeling distinctly from my last pregnancy - exactly as you say it - LONELY! And it isn't a good feeling. Of all times in your life this is one when you really just want to feel supported by those closest to you.

I think things are VERY different for a DP during the waiting phase (they, afer all aren't hauling around a 25 lb belly) than they are during labor. During labor something is HAPPENING and you are quite obviously in the middle of a huge life event and he can't avoid it at that point.

My last pg I felt that DH wasn't as involved in labor prep as I was, but he really pulled through. He was nothing short of amazing! My midwife even told the nurses on the maternity ward that the father in room 12 (DH) should be a midwife!!

If you can find a time when you won't be too emotional about it, (yeah, right!) try to tell him just about how this loneliness feels and that you need full support. Yes, it has been a long nine months but not much longer to go. And I'd bring up the smoking, obviously, and let him know now how much that would upset you if he takes a cig break during your labor - for many reasons!!

One thing that DH did last time, that made him feel more involved, was pull together a bunch of stuff for his labor bag that he didn't let me see ahead of time. It included photos of us on our honeymoon, lemons for the nausea (don't know where he read that but they were essential!!!), special music, tennis balls for back massage, etc etc. Most of it we didn't use but stuff we did use (photos and lemons in particular) were so much a part of my labor that I'm sure DH felt he'd really contributed to helping me.

I think and hope you will be pleasantly surprised. If your labor comes on slowly (as mine did) there just ISN'T a lot for him to do. But he just needs to be there for you, chat with you between contractions, slow dance with you thru the contractions, fetch you food and drinks etc etc. I never felt hovered over, I felt accompanied. Hopefully you will too.

[DiannaK]

Originally Posted by happyhippiemama

You know, I was really worried about this. I thought DP would not do well. I shouldn't have underestimated him. He wasn't one of those oh-my-god-he-did-everything-right-i-couldn't-have-managed-without-him DPs, but he did pretty good. He took direction well, and he didn't piss me off.

Except in early labor, when he was running to the kitchen every two seconds to stuff something into his mouth, he was so nervous. I finally yelled at my mom, "will you go get him a fricking MEAL to eat, already, so he'll stop doing that?"

They actually both laughed at me, so I guess I don't have to feel guilty for being a bitch. Heh.

I have to laugh ....
my thing that DH did was ALWAYS asking me if I was having contractions ....
Enough, already!!

[*Karen*]

Well with DS he was HORRIBLE. Seriously. He slept in the hospital. Then after he was born, he went home for the night to sleep. And during the contractions he just stared at me, or looked the other way. This time I think he will be a lot better. He is one of those guys that really needs told what to do, and he I think is much better prepared. We both are.

[SillyMommy]

Originally Posted by ~*~MamaJava~*~

but he is pure GOLD during labor, I cannot imagine doing it without him. he is just my steady calm rock. no, he's not suggesting this and that, but he just supports me, quietly, and lets me do what i need to do. never shows any fear or stress or judgment.

Just how I feel about my DH. *swoon*

[blessedmom68358]

Great thread! OP - Having a doula will likely smooth out any rough edges. It'll be ok! Wishing you and your DH a marvelous experience!

As for my DH...
Well, he hasn't read everything I've 'suggested', but he's always there with me when it really counts. I know he will be this time for our first homebirth, too...no doubt about it. However, that doesn't mean I haven't worried about 'how' he'll know what to do *for me* when (ie - I'm in transition and maybe not making a lot of sense so likely can't articulate well). We have a midwife who's also a doula helping us, so my DH knows we have a guide who knows what she's doing (and is there to help as needed) and his role is to be my rock. That said, he read very little of the Bradley book before it had to go back to the library. He's currently read a chapter or two of the second section of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I asked him to please read ch. 1-4 and 7. He's been with me for most appts, too (MW and some OB early on), which is no easy task with four other kids and his work schedule. He also watched TBoBB and another birth-related video with me and has been nothing but supportive about pursuing our first homebirth. He's a guy's guy, so I give him a lot of credit. *smooch*

[lmonter]

My hubby's a help, as long as he stays away from me. You know that mainstream childbirth class the hospitals recommend to parents? Where they teach you breathing techniques (*snort*) and massage/touch, blah blah blah? Yeah, completely useless if you're a weird introvert like me and go into your own world in labor and literally hit/swat people away because you don't want to be bothered.

I got mad when hubby came near me in my first labor, unless it was to unhook the darn monitors after the nurses left so I could go labor on the toilet (nurses much preferred me on my back in the bed). He was totally trying to help, but I wasn't good enough at verbalizing what I wanted/didn't want. And when I was pushing and kiddo was crowning, he was supposed to be holding my leg, but kept getting distracted by the action down there and losing his grip on my leg. Kinda cute and kinda funny, except in that moment, you know?

Second labor I kept swatting the midwife with her doppler away - I have no idea how on earth she tolerated me. Hubby read a book in the corner of the room keeping an eye on me, and that was dandy with me. I also had him call the midwife because I didn't want to deal with the phone.

Hubby has a new book here for labor #3 and I've warned the midwives that I probably will swat them away again.

[meenajo]

FYI, my very good friend who is planning homebirth number 3 in a few weeks says that the midwives have one task at her birth--to keep her husband quiet and out of her way

Just saying, the journey is different for everyone. I think my dh was very supportive durring my complication-riddled pregnancy, bed rest and c-section, but if I was actually in pain/active labor I worried that he would just piss me off (just another reason we're trying adoption this time around )

[franjapany]

I honestly believe that my DP is going to be a help. He has had his bad moments during this pregnancy... But he has also read at least as much literature on natural birth as I have (Bradley, Ina May Gaskin, Labour Progress Book - he's read them all and is becoming quite an expert).
He is excited about our child coming and will do everything to make is as easy as possible for me. He's already built me an awesome birthing space and I am sure that he will be great support during labor. Which is what I rely on anyway, as it is only going to be him, me, and my midwife and *maybe* another helper, which I am not yet sure about. And *if* this baby decides it wants to stay in until 42 weeks it will actually just be him and me...