How do you make someone feel comfortable?

[LittlePeanut]

I know you can't *make* someone feel comfortable but I think you get what I'm saying.

Here's the situation:

My brother was just down visiting me (we live about 2.5 hours apart by plane). DS is 2.5 and is breastfed. Whenever I nursed DS, I noticed that lil' brother (who is 29 BTW) often turned his head away from us and refused to make eye contact. I don't think he has been around many, if any, nursing mamas. My mom breastfed us but had several issues with him and so it didn't last long and she just didn't have the right info

Little brother has said in many cases that he would expect his future wife to breastfeed their children. So it's not a case of him thinking it's gross but more of him worrying about offending me or (gasp) him possibly catching a glimpse of his sister's boob.

We are open enough in conversation that I have no issues talking to him about it... I did say to him at one point, "You know you can make eye contact with me when we're talking... You can't see anything." Another time when he was making an attempt to make eye contact through his discomfort, DS decided he was done and popped off. I am very quick to cover myself and so little shows during the nursing that I doubt he saw any more than woman in low cut top would show, kwim? Yet he exclaimed, "OMG I saw [my name]'s boob."

Yes he very immature (life-wise) for his age but I'd like to see him be more comfortable around nursing mamas in general.

Is it just me or do people who tend to look away (for the mother's comfort) make you more uncomfortable? As though I'm doing something that shouldn't be seen

LP

[maine06]

I think just more exposure (no pun intended) to BFing will make him comfortable. I know that's what has worked with my sister. She had made a comment to me when DS was young that BFing a toddler was 'gross' or something along those lines. Now, she makes fun jokes about mama's milk and thinks it's so great that DS is still nursing at 16 months I think she's actually proud of me for it!

Have you talked to him about WHY you nurse your toddler? Maybe he just doesn't realize the goodness of it?

[LittlePeanut]

He definitely knows the benefits and he sees how it has benefited DS. I just think it may be more of a body issue than a breastfeeding issue, kwim? He knows it's good and natural and all the good stuff but his comfort levels are not in line with his knowledge. I do think he thinks that by looking he might make the mother feel uncomfortable or (and I might be reading too much into his behaviour) possibly shameful.

LP

[ramama]

Originally Posted by LittlePeanut

He definitely knows the benefits and he sees how it has benefited DS. I just think it may be more of a body issue than a breastfeeding issue, kwim? He knows it's good and natural and all the good stuff but his comfort levels are not in line with his knowledge. I do think he thinks that by looking he might make the mother feel uncomfortable or (and I might be reading too much into his behaviour) possibly shameful.

LP

Yeah, that. Many times I get the feeling that people aren't uncomfortable with breastfeeding, just that they don't know where else to look or feel that they'll make the mother uncomfortable. A couple of times I've actually said "It's okay to watch me feed my child."

[velcromom]

That's a nice thing to say, ramama. I like that. I could definitely be good with saying, "It's ok to watch her nurse, isn't she happy!"

[go0ber]

aw i had the same problem when my dad visited when ds was 2 and a half weeks and pretty much nursed non stop. the first time i nursed in front of him he just looked at the floor but he gradually got more comfortable. IMO i think the people who seem uncomfortable but NOT offended are afraid of offending you or arent sure what the proper social thing to do is. i like the idea of saying something as well. like: "i notice you seem to be a bit uncomfortable but i want to let you know that it's ok to look at me. you dont need to feel embarrassed. im just feeding the baby. "

im glad your brother is supportive of nursing!

[hollyvangogh]

Originally Posted by LittlePeanut

He definitely knows the benefits and he sees how it has benefited DS. I just think it may be more of a body issue than a breastfeeding issue, kwim? He knows it's good and natural and all the good stuff but his comfort levels are not in line with his knowledge. I do think he thinks that by looking he might make the mother feel uncomfortable or (and I might be reading too much into his behaviour) possibly shameful.

LP

You know, I'm a huge fan of breastfeeding. And though inside I feel like giving any nursing mom I see a parade I'm a little awkward around them. I haven't had much exposure to breastfeeding and I don't know what the mom is comfortable with. I think once this LO gets here it'll be easier because I'll have BTDT. But I agree with a PP who said it probably is a matter of exposure. Given enough time around you and your nursling he'll probably get more comfortable.

[AutumnAir]

Yup - like a PP before I started BFing I was also slightly uncomfortable around the (unfortunately very few) nursing mothers I saw. I was fully aware of the benefits of BFing, intended to BF myself and genuinely really pleased and happy that they were BFing in front of me. Even so..I think it really is lack of exposure - we're mostly brought up to believe that breasts are sexual and should be 'under-cover' unless in an intimate (sexual) situation. I was fascinated when I saw mothers nursing, and I think that actually made me more embarrassed -because I wanted to really look at what they were doing (how do you think women in 'traditional societies' learn to BF? - by watching mothers, sisters, aunts doing it every day, of course) but to me staring was rude, particularly staring at a piece of someone else's anatomy that I was brought up to believe was sexual.
Being aware of this I have tried my best to nurse publicly in such a way as to raise people's exposure to BFing and to try to make them comfortable with it. Granted, most of the people who've seen me nursing on a regular basis are my family - but education starts at home right? My brother, 26, was initially horrified to see my breasts, but since he was staying with us for the week in our little flat he couldn't really escape!! I was basically camped out on the couch with my then newborn, nursing almost constantly, with boobs hanging out everywhere!! I just made sure not to appear embarrassed and to keep chatting naturally to him - within a couple of days he could watch me latching her on without batting an eyelid!!
And I must have accidentally gotten quite good at NIP discreetly because when I was visiting my grandparents I was nursing her in the sitting room while chatting to them. My grand-dad asked if he could hold her and bent right over her to pick her up before I could reply and before he realised that she was actually nursing!! He was a bit taken aback, but then laughed and apologised to DD for interrupting her lunch.

[leafwood]

My Dad was like that at first, but really, it was more about me becoming comfortable with the fact that maybe he wasn't going to give me eye contact while I was nursing, and that's fine. It would make ME more comfortable for him to do so, but that's not the point. I am nursing, he is there, and if that's what he needs to do to feel ok then so be it. After time, he's gotten much more comfortalbe and it's a lot easier for him I think.

The brother thing is interesting b/c my little brother is around the same age (27) and he has NO issues with me BF around him or even pumping....one day last weekend he even commented that he found it ironic that there was more skin shown around my parents house then there was at his frat house in college.....(a comment of my BF along with my two children's perpetual need to be nude!). That's our family's way of normalizing, through humor. Maybe that would help if you think your brother would respond.

[Flower of Bliss]

So, I have to admit that I'm a bit uncomfortable about where to look when I'm with other moms nursing. I've been VERY exposed to it. My mom is one of 8 kids (6 girls) and they all had kids close in age and nursed us into toddlerhood. I regularly attend LLL meetings (2 a month), API meetings, etc. The moms in my church play group are pretty much all nursing toddlers (how cool is that?)! Still, when I see a mom nursing, especially one I don't know, I'm not quite sure where to look. I like watching babies nursing. I love seeing the tiny little mouths and the sweet happy newborn nursling face. I love how toddlers dance and kick while nursing. When I see a mama wearing a baby in a sling I'm inclined to peak to see if babe is nursing. I'm very very anxious to be pregnant and have trouble keeping my eyes off of newborns. However, I worry that I'm being rude, or might make the mom uncomfortable. So, I think your brother's reaction is pretty normal.

That said I have pictures of my then 19 year old brother drapped over my shoulders standing behind me holding below my arms while I stood holding my newborn DD while she nursed. He's staring down at her completely taken I adore those pictures. To me they demonstrate how very very normal BF is in my family (and how very very much my brother adores his little niece).

[~sweet pea~]

JMO, but men in general, and young men in particular, have a hard time knowing how to react to female nudity in a non-sexual context.

When I went in for my first US at 11 weeks, I wasn't sure if it would be transabdominal or transvaginal, so I told my DH it could be either. He actually felt uncomfortable with the idea of being in the room with me in stirrups. I couldn't for the life of me understand it. Except for the actual stirrups, it's not a view that is unfamiliar to him (sorry, TMI, ). But there it is. Men are strange.

[~sweet pea~]

It sounds like your brother is supportive overall, which is great. He's not asking you to leave the room, he's not leaving the room. Like the PP, said, he just doesn't know where to look.

Maybe, even though you've said it's okay to look and maintain eye-contact, he thinks he's being respectful?

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Yeah my close friend does this and his partner is nursing too. I know he is being "polite" and going out of his way to not make anyone uncomfortable, but for some reason I think its werid.

The other day he was over and his baby needed to eat and his partner was at work and I said I would nurse the babe which I've done before, no biggie, but the way the dad so obviously DIDN'T look made me feel weird, does that make sense?

[meldess]

My little brother was absolutely mortified when I nursed my then two year old daughter in a restaurant. Luckily, his boyfriend at the time said, "you don't pay any attention to him, there is nothing else your daughter needs. My cousin nursed her baby for four years and it is great." It's all about exposure and experience.

I stopped nursing in public when she was about 2 1/2 years old but at home my brother has been better about it, but the family still jokingly ribs him about his complex.

[WaitingForKiddos]

I think some people need to have the situation lightened up.

"Dude, it's just my boob and the kid is eating. You can look at me."
"Ya so the kid likes my boob as much as Dp/Dh does"
"Did you know I can spray milk across the room? Really I can. Wanna see?"

[Staciemao]

I have two brothers and my whole family lives within ten minutes of each other. So we see each other all the time and my brothers have had to get very accustomed to seeing me nurse. They are pretty good now, but the first time my youngest brother (who is 24 and was 22 at the time) saw me breastfeed he turned his head away and said, "Ack! Nudity alert!"

I just looked at him and said, "Oh T! You mean you've never seen a boob before? That's sooooo sad!"

[LittlePeanut]

Originally Posted by Staciemao

I just looked at him and said, "Oh T! You mean you've never seen a boob before? That's sooooo sad!"

LOL!

Originally Posted by WaitingForKiddos

I think some people need to have the situation lightened up.

"Dude, it's just my boob and the kid is eating. You can look at me."
"Ya so the kid likes my boob as much as Dp/Dh does"
"Did you know I can spray milk across the room? Really I can. Wanna see?"

You know, these might work. It would totally lighten the mood and I think it would go over well.

Funny thing is, my older brother (who was FF) and was about 33 at the time, walked in on me BF'ing DS back in the days when I was not nearly as astute or comfortable NIP... I gasped and said, "I'm feeding DS!" as I had the door closed in a bedroom in his home... He just said, "Gezz [my name], I'm your brother!" In other words, why would he care. It got me over the whole NIP fear pretty darn quick!

Oh well, time will tell. I will keep doing what I do and sooner or later lil' bro will get there too. Exposure, exposure, exposure! (pun intended)

LP

[Hippie Mama in MI]

I wouldn't be offended. As a matter of fact I have a similar brother who smilingly found a reason to leave the room whenever I breastfed my son. Unmarried men are often uncomfortable seeing a woman nurse. It can make the mommy feel a little like an alien, but often these room-leavers think that's the expected thing to do.