Teen Pregnancy / Reaction - Page 8

[DocsNemesis]

Oh and btw, after I dropped out I went straight to college. I changed my program twice and finished my MA program and plan on continuing and eventually becoming a midwife, but thats on hold while I raise my kids

[anitaj71]

I haven't read all the responses but I was a young mama. I 'got' pregnant at 19, unplanned and when I told my employer at the time she said, smiling and happily " congrats!" I was confused and annoyed. I was still very upset and all I could think was, "what's there to be so happy about?"

I know she was just trying to be supportive but . . . at the moment I was feeling pretty crappy about the pregnancy and having a hard time accepting the whole thing . ..

a kinder "how are you doing/feeling" would have been appreciated.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by ArielMomma

I hear ya! I experienced a lot of what you mentioned and I was in my early 20s with a bachelors degree already! I couldn't imagine the reaction I might have received if I had gotten pregnant as a teen still in high school.

ditto.

I was 26 when I conceived my first child, was educated, smart but had no job at the time so I used Medicaid and had to have assistance throughout the pregnancy AND I did work the whole time but I worked for a family member who paid me cash so I could "live" basically because no one else would hire me and pay me decent pay. I was also very young looking and small and most people who "saw" me judged me based on how I looked, because they didn't know my age. I would have had a good job but due to bad circumstances I had just lost a good job about a year before I got pregnant and wasn't married. I just "happened" to still be jobless when I conceived. It wasn't like I did it on purpose. I got a good job once I had the baby and could secure something full-time with benefits, paying what I needed. But while I was pregnant no one was going to hire me, at least not for a decent job.

[1972momma]

I guess I'm in the minority here, but no, I wouldn't say congratulations, mostly because I believe that would send the wrong message to my own daughter.

But I think an upbeat inquiry into how she's doing/feeling would be a "nice" response without getting into whether it's really congratulations-worthy or not.

[mammal_mama]

I have two daughters, and I hope they'll wait 'til marriage before having sex and becoming mothers. However, I feel this is a decision they have to commit to (or not) within themselves -- it's not something I'm going to persuade them into by expressing disapproval or acting like it's the end of the world whenever a young girl gets pregnant.

The fact is, it's not the end of the world. It does usually mean a shift in plans, and often means putting some dreams on hold if the girl wants to do most of the direct care for her child herself while her child is small. Again, this shift may actually be a good thing in disguise, and a growth-experience.

So, while I personally think it's a little easier and less-complicated to wait 'til you're able to provide a 2-parent home, where possibly there can always be one parent available to care for the child, it's certainly not the end of the world if it happens differently. I'll continue to tell my children that babies are always blessings -- that I hope they'll wait 'til marriage, but nevertheless I'll always rejoice at a new life coming into the world.

[maliceinwonderland]

Putting in my vote..I was 15 when I got pregnant with dd, 16 when I had her. I didn't get a single congrats, or anything positive actually. Ten years later, announcing my current pregnancy I didn't get a single congrats from ANYONE in my family. And it sucks, no matter what your age. You don't have to say "congrats" as people have said, she may be feeling confused/terrified, not know what she's going to do yet, but some kind of positive feedback would be great.

Ah well, since I never had any support, I can thank me, and only me for the awesome mother I've been

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by loitering

I'm confused. "Requires" before leaving? What does that mean?

It is a program that mothers and their preborn/already born children can voluntarily apply for. The program includes temporary housing, food and clothing, classes, childcare, assistance with resume-building and interview skills, assistance with GED classes and education, legal assistance, etc etc etc.

The program requires signing an agreement to complete a GED or if highschool is completed, to enroll in college classes, to actively apply for jobs, to take childcare classes, to apply/find medical insurance, to apply/find permanent housing, etc.

It's a very in-depth program and has been an eye opener for me. I have helped women who didn't know how to clean a house, or properly feed/dress an infant. And of course there's also the tricky parts of life that I've learned about, such as applying for government aid/insurance/financial aid, finalizing divorce papers, custody battles, restraints, job discrimination due to being pregnant or having full custody of child(ren), etc.

[kmeyrick]

I am an urban teacher where plenty, well actually most, of the mothers became so as teens. Would I ever tell a teen she's going to be a failure, this will be only negative, blah blah blah? No, not at all. You can still be a terrific mom with the right support.

But do I think it's fair to downplay or sugarcoat the hardships that come with it? I think that's just as snarky and cruel as the above. Here's what I have found in my city and school.

1.Yes, you will likely be reliant on public aid and work minimum wage jobs if you don't get a college education.
2.Yes, you will likely be raising your children on your own, and will be lucky to receive adequate, reliable child support.
3.Yes, it will eat you on the inside when you would love to send your kids to that summer program, that field trip, that horse riding class, and cannot afford to do it.
4.Yes, parenting is hard, and your freedom will be limited at such a young age. You will often have to choose what you would love to do and your children's best interests.
5.Yes, hot potato custody among your relatives is not good for the child if you choose to have and keep your child but not really raise it.


That's not to say I think girls should choose adoption no matter what, or always have an abortion no matter what. Some girls can rise above everything in my list. But I think to just say, "It's such a blessing, congratulations, oh this is just so wonderful!" etc is misleading and therefore cruel.

And as for the crisis pregnancy support centers, in my city at least they are predominantly parenting classes and resource center. To make the snap judgment that they are always pushing adoption (if so, they have a 100% failure rate) is erroneous.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

And as for the crisis pregnancy support centers, in my city at least they are predominantly parenting classes and resource center. To make the snap judgment that they are always pushing adoption (if so, they have a 100% failure rate) is erroneous.

And it's sad that more young people don't choose adoption. I think it's likely going to be abortion they choose if they don't want the baby a lot of times and that's sad. I know someone in their 40's who had an abortion as a teen and has gone through therapy for it.

I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild. That would be even harder for me to grasp because of the emotional problems my child would likely have later down the road from such a choice. I would much rather my daughter say she is having her baby and I would help her in any way that I could. I feel that adoption could cause emotional problems for a mother as well if she doesn't go about it the right way, so having the baby is the best solution for the mother IMO. Because in either way the girl may decide to have kids of her own as an adult down the road and then will have memories of what could have been. How sad for her.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by mommy68

And it's sad that more young people don't choose adoption. I think it's likely going to be abortion they choose if they don't want the baby a lot of times and that's sad. I know someone in their 40's who had an abortion as a teen and has gone through therapy for it.

I think it really depends. Did the person CHOOSE abortion or did they do it because they felt pressured into it by their parents and/or society. I know a few people who have gone through abortions. The ones who actually made the choice without any pressure tend not to have regrets. The people who really seemed devastated are those who didn't have an actual say in the matter. It was more, "You're too young and this is how it is going to be!"

I think the choice should be 100% up to the child. If my daughter were to get pregnant, we'd talk it over, but the choice would be hers. I wouldn't put any pressure on her in any direction. I know giving a baby up for adoption can be emotionally traumatic also. My sister was pressured into giving her baby away as a teen. She is still devastated all these years later.

Abortion, adoption, keeping the baby, etc... ALL have risks of severe emotional problems later in life. I strongly feel it should be the individuals right to make an informed/unpressured choice on which path they want to take.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

But I think to just say, "It's such a blessing, congratulations, oh this is just so wonderful!" etc is misleading and therefore cruel.

I think it's disrespectful to assume that a pregnant teen is looking for dissertations on "how it's going to be" from every. single. adult who happens to learn she's pregnant. When I've been pregnant, I haven't felt a need for people to give me their assessment as to whether I'd find it hard or easy. A simple "Congratulations, how are you feeling?" was all I wanted.

So I'd make myself available if the young person wanted to share her concerns -- but I wouldn't just assume that she wanted my unsolicited "take" on her situation, any more than I'd assume that with an adult.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by mommy68

I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild.

This reminded me of something. There was a girl who like me was working on her doctorate of veterinary medicine (DVM). We got pregnant around the same time.

I chose to carry the child, but she got an abortion. She came in school after visting her parents and told me their reaction, "YOU WHACKED MY GRAND BABY!??!" It was very serious to them, but we both laughed at that several times.

That was several years ago. I saw her not long ago. She has two kids now. I guess her parents finally got their grandchildren.

It worked out pretty well for both of us I think. She got her DVM, I didn't, but I got something to me is worth more.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by mommy68

I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild.

I would be very very sad that my daughter hadn't felt she could come to me; I would have been more than willing to take her for an abortion, pay for it, and take care of her after -- as well as help her feel empowered about her choice.

mammal_mama:

I think it's disrespectful to assume that a pregnant teen is looking for dissertations on "how it's going to be" from every. single. adult who happens to learn she's pregnant.

No kidding! I know lots of people who have gotten pregnant and given birth in what I would consider bad situations, and it was not my place to give them a lecture on all the challenges they were going to face. I think the average woman -- whether she's 15 or 35 -- is capable of understanding when and why certain circumstances make their pregnancies less than ideal. Considering all the anti-teen-parent hype out there, young women likely have a better grasp on this than most others!

A close family member or friend saying, "Let's sit down and make sure you're going into this with your eyes open" is a far cry from a friend's mom or some other distant contact refusing to say congratulations and instead listing all the potential problems one might have.

[hibana]

Originally Posted by maliceinwonderland

Putting in my vote..I was 15 when I got pregnant with dd, 16 when I had her. I didn't get a single congrats, or anything positive actually. Ten years later, announcing my current pregnancy I didn't get a single congrats from ANYONE in my family. And it sucks, no matter what your age. You don't have to say "congrats" as people have said, she may be feeling confused/terrified, not know what she's going to do yet, but some kind of positive feedback would be great.

Yes, this. The first person to say anything non-negative to me about my pregnancy was the radiologist who did my ultrasound at 4 months. I don't remember what she said, but it was all positive and supportive. That meant a great deal to me.

Be kind and gentle to pregnant young women, no matter what you think of their situation. You may be the only person doing it.

[crazydiamond]

Originally Posted by mommy68

And it's sad that more young people don't choose adoption. I think it's likely going to be abortion they choose if they don't want the baby a lot of times and that's sad. I know someone in their 40's who had an abortion as a teen and has gone through therapy for it.

I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild. That would be even harder for me to grasp because of the emotional problems my child would likely have later down the road from such a choice. I would much rather my daughter say she is having her baby and I would help her in any way that I could. I feel that adoption could cause emotional problems for a mother as well if she doesn't go about it the right way, so having the baby is the best solution for the mother IMO. Because in either way the girl may decide to have kids of her own as an adult down the road and then will have memories of what could have been. How sad for her.

Let just say that not everyone agrees with this line of thinking. All of the options have potential for emotional trauma.

I also wonder what parents would say to a child that chose to adopt their child out instead of letting its grandparents raise it? I know someone who is in this exact situation (as the grandparents) and are incredibly devastated over their child's decision to adopt.

No choice is "one size fits all".

[kmeyrick]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

I think it's disrespectful to assume that a pregnant teen is looking for dissertations on "how it's going to be" from every. single. adult who happens to learn she's pregnant. When I've been pregnant, I haven't felt a need for people to give me their assessment as to whether I'd find it hard or easy. A simple "Congratulations, how are you feeling?" was all I wanted.

So I'd make myself available if the young person wanted to share her concerns -- but I wouldn't just assume that she wanted my unsolicited "take" on her situation, any more than I'd assume that with an adult.

I think the honesty and frank talk needs to come from a teen's mother and counselor, not the neighbor listening over the fence.

A lot of the mother's in my school have a rocky, hard road to walk all because they had their babies five little years too soon. Makes a difference.

And working with middle schoolers, it's scary to know how many of them think having a baby will be a piece of cake, fun, a great way to prove you're an adult. It is NOT true.

I don't think having a baby in your teens is the end of the world, but I think you'd be a fool to tell your daughter that it won't be incredibly hard and more than they bargained for.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by ArielMomma

This reminded me of something. There was a girl who like me was working on her doctorate of veterinary medicine (DVM). We got pregnant around the same time.

I chose to carry the child, but she got an abortion. She came in school after visting her parents and told me their reaction, "YOU WHACKED MY GRAND BABY!??!" It was very serious to them, but we both laughed at that several times.

That was several years ago. I saw her not long ago. She has two kids now. I guess her parents finally got their grandchildren.

It worked out pretty well for both of us I think. She got her DVM, I didn't, but I got something to me is worth more.

That's what I'm going through right now! It's really hard to have to come to work and school and see her. We were good friends (she was in my wedding, too!) until we went different ways. Now she can't stand to see me because I am showing. She tries to talk about "baby" things to me, such as kicking, OB's, baby clothes, etc, but it is such a strain on her it makes me feel guilty. To make it worse, I've continued my dual degree program with the same classes as hers and school was the reason she chose to abort, so it feels like I'm rubbing it in her face.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

I don't think having a baby in your teens is the end of the world, but I think you'd be a fool to tell your daughter that it won't be incredibly hard and more than they bargained for.

Well, I got the impression the OP was asking about what to say to someone who wasn't her own daughter, or her counselee -- just a teen girl she happens to know, I can't remember how, whether it's a friend of a daughter or a daughter of a friend. I was saying that I'd say something along the line of "Congratulations! How are you feeling?" And leave it up to the young person to indicate whether she wanted more input from me.

Actually, with my own daughters, the discussions about these issues are already happening with my 8yo. I believe in talking about things as they come up, and as my children express curiosity about various things (which usually happens way earlier than the teen years, in my experience). I can't imagine waiting for a pregnancy to have these talks.

[holyhelianthus]

kmeyrick~ I understand your concern but lets face it the majority of hardships these mamas face are thanks to society and it's un-acceptance of not only motherhood in general but especially teen motherhood. I strongly feel society needs to change on this.


Adoption was pushed on me and man oh man that pisses me off still. Thankfully I have always been hard headed and independent as has DH. You know if people would spend more time being supportive and helping teen moms to see they CAN do it if they want to they wouldn't have so many problems. But instead they meet the resistance of others. What exactly does one gain by being so forceful with a pregnant woman? Very very sad. So I have major issues with the stress on adoption or abortion. There isn't nearly enough helping these mamas to realize they can very much raise their child. I totally believe in choice but when people are being so one-sided and forceful with a scared teen often times they can feel pressured to do what is "right" which isn't always right at all. Then again I am of the camp that strongly believes teens are young adults and should be treated as such- intelligent enough to make their own decisions and lead their own lives.

[BunnySlippers]

Originally Posted by AbundantLife

No, these factors are not predictive of her worth as a parent or a person; however, they are predictive of her ability to provide for her child.

Who is going to support this baby? Welfare??

welfare supports alot of people, why is it bad to have it support a teen mom?