Teen Pregnancy / Reaction - Page 9

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers

welfare supports alot of people, why is it bad to have it support a teen mom?

Thank you!

[loitering]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

It is a program that mothers and their preborn/already born children can voluntarily apply for. The program includes temporary housing, food and clothing, classes, childcare, assistance with resume-building and interview skills, assistance with GED classes and education, legal assistance, etc etc etc.

The program requires signing an agreement to complete a GED or if highschool is completed, to enroll in college classes, to actively apply for jobs, to take childcare classes, to apply/find medical insurance, to apply/find permanent housing, etc.

It's a very in-depth program and has been an eye opener for me. I have helped women who didn't know how to clean a house, or properly feed/dress an infant. And of course there's also the tricky parts of life that I've learned about, such as applying for government aid/insurance/financial aid, finalizing divorce papers, custody battles, restraints, job discrimination due to being pregnant or having full custody of child(ren), etc.

Oh, I see. I think we have different definitions of Crisis Pregnancy Centers - to me, they're just like a small doctor's office that administers pregnancy tests after thoroughly interrogating the potential mom, and talking about Jesus. A lot. It sounds like you run more of a home, right? It actually sounds really helpful.

[BeeBee'sMum]

I have to agree with previous posters that it is important to get a feel for how the mother-to-be is handling the situation before offering congratulations.

ArielMomma ~ You may be happy to know that vet school -at least where I went - is a lot more family friendly now. My daughter was born at the end of my senior year (amid suggestions that she deserved a degree too, having experienced most of the clinical year!), and there were several pregnancies in each class during the time I was there. They are very good about providing respirators so that lab attendance isn't an issue, and allowing leaves of abence if necessary. It's certainly a step in the right direction, particularly for a profession that is now predominantly female!

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by loitering

Oh, I see. I think we have different definitions of Crisis Pregnancy Centers - to me, they're just like a small doctor's office that administers pregnancy tests after thoroughly interrogating the potential mom, and talking about Jesus. A lot. It sounds like you run more of a home, right? It actually sounds really helpful.

It sounds as if you have had some bad experiences with organizations and/or volunteers in that field!

[SheepNumber97245]

I just wanted to add something again, to all the people who are saying you should wait to see how the mother is feeling before you congradulate her...

The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's really hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels.

[CherryBomb]

Originally Posted by loitering

Oh, I see. I think we have different definitions of Crisis Pregnancy Centers - to me, they're just like a small doctor's office that administers pregnancy tests after thoroughly interrogating the potential mom, and talking about Jesus. A lot. It sounds like you run more of a home, right? It actually sounds really helpful.

I hear a lot about those, but I've never actually seen one (I'm not saying they don't exist, I just don't think they're as rampant as some people seem to think). All of the crisis pregnancy centers around here are like the one she described. All are very focused on helping mom do whatever she needs to to raise her baby (though they refer to adoption services if that's what mom wants) and are 100% upfront about the fact that they don't offer or refer for abortions. They're all religiously run and like the Catholic ones will have a crucifix on the wall or things like that, but I don't know of any local ones that are like OMG ACCEPT JESUS AND REPENT!

It's sad that a handful of UA Violations give them all such a bad name, they really do a lot of good.

Anyway, I was barely 18 when I got pregnant with dd1, and I loved my OB (horrible cytotec induction aside) because he always treated me like I would assume he'd treat his 40 year old mothers to be. Very respectful, didn't talk down to me, supportive and positive, etc etc. I think you can be realistic and supportive at the same time.

[Daniel's Kitty]

I went to a Crisis preg center with a friend, she was 19 and married. They were great towards here. They asked once if she was Christian and when she said yes and she was looking into churches to go to they said they hoped she found something since it can be a great support system. It wasn't really pushy and now with #2 she still goes back to trade in old maternity clothes that don't fit for new. The person was exactly what she needed since her mother had just freaked about her having a baby with the guy she married. They did mention once that if she were to choose adoption they could help her with it, but it wasn't pushy at all. She walked out of there happy about her baby again.

I keep hearing about how bad these places are but I have come across several that are really calming and make the mom to be feel better about her situation. I think your experience will depend on the volunteer working with you though.

OP I am happy that you were able to handle the situation okay. I know that a lot of people don't even do well when it is a pregnant adult.

[SAHDS]

I haven't read the entire thread but did want to add my 2 cents as a teen mom (former teen mom?).

I got pregnant w/ DD 2 days after I turned 19. No, I wasn't married, but we were in love and so very excited. People (family mostly) gave me the pity looks, the soft voice of "everything will be okay" and one very close family member even gave me the 'other options' talk.

At a time in my life that I'd been waiting for since I was 6, it was heartbreaking for people to act as though this was a tragedy. I had to overact about how happy we were, constantly gushing so people wouldn't feel sorry for me, UGH. A congratulations would have made me :

But, I do agree that it depends on how the mother feels.

[anitaj71]

The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's really hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels

.

:

( says me, a former teen/young mom )

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by SheepNumber97245

The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's really hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels.

I agree with this.

[DavinaT]

kmeyrick - Do your findings not apply to all mothers who are on very low income regardless of their age?

mommy68 - I really have to ask why you think its sad that more people don't choose adoption. Surely if a woman can keep and raise her child and we as a society can give her all the help she needs ot do this, this is IS a VERY positive thing.
However to compare abortion with adoption really ias not comparing like with like, IMO. I know from personal experience with many women that if aboption soLved abortion then there would be no need for abortion. All women with crisis pregnacies who could not raise thier childs would simply choose to have the child and choose adoption - they don't. To say that abortion would 'likely' cause emotional problems is not factual. Similar to adoption and as I pointed out, I know many people hurt by this too, if a woman does it for the wrong reasons, is inadequately counselled or goes about it in the wrong way it can have an emotional fallout.

"I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild" - I am so sorry that you felt you couldn't come to me, If I let you down, I'm sorry but if this was decision you wanted to make on your own, I respect that. - That would be my response.

Crazydiamond, like the grandparents you knew, I would be devasted to think that my child went down the adoption route where they felt I couldn't provide the help they needed - be that anything from emotional support to raising the child within the family - by us if neccessary.

A program that pregnant mothers (I have issues with "pre-born" as phraseology) and mothers with children can voluntarily apply for which includes temporary housing, food and clothing, financial aid, classes, childcare, legal assistance and job-seeking, etc is a very very positive thing and is much like womens aid centres here. However CPCs here must now legally list all options open to women with a crisis pregnancy. Rogue CPCs are very much like loitering describes - including doing everything to disuade a woman from abortion, which might sound like a noble enough objective, but not when it includes, harrassment, lies, bullying, berating, emotional blackmail and other terror tactics.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by SheepNumber97245

I just wanted to add something again, to all the people who are saying you should wait to see how the mother is feeling before you congradulate her...

The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's really hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels.

Amen!

[rhubarbarin]

Originally Posted by AbundantLife

No, these factors are not predictive of her worth as a parent or a person; however, they are predictive of her ability to provide for her child.

Who is going to support this baby? Welfare??

Well, who's going to support my baby if I got pregnant tommorrow? I'll tell you who: me, by myself if I need to (though I am currently in a committed relationship, and my boyfriend would contribute financially and also provide some childcare).

I'm not married, I don't have a high school diploma, and I only make 20 thou a year.

However, I have a strict budget, some money saved, and few expenses. I'm spending enough 'fun money' on clothes, books, eating out, etc every month, that would more than cover diapers and extra food, and even if my bf skipped town, with some reconfiguring I could scrape up the $600+ a month I would need for full-time daycare.

I know parenting is hard in many ways, but it's certainly doable. Even by young people or poor people.

[kmeyrick]

I certainly think that it's doable, being a teen parent, but I have seen a lot of parents just not do it. For one reason or another. Rhubarbarin, you sound like an awesome, self-disciplined and savvy person to pull that off, and I wish there were more people like you.

But considering this girl may very well be planning on abortion, I think a knee-jerk congrats may turn out being cruel.

I feel bad that so many outsiders already know her business. Maybe she was hoping the whole world wouldn't know. I don't see why her privacy isn't an issue here.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by kmeyrick

But considering this girl may very well be planning on abortion, I think a knee-jerk congrats may turn out being cruel.

But a new person is still a joyous thing, even if it's one you won't meet 'til the next life.

[Ceinwen]

Since most of these experiences are anecdotal, I'll add mine too.

When I became (unexpectedly, surprised-ly) pregnant at 21, 'congratulations' was not what I wanted to hear. Even when it was sincere, it felt, I don't know, overdone?

Most people said, similarly to a pp, 'Wow, that's huge. How are you feeling?' That gave me the opportunity to steer the conversation in any direction. Whether it was crying or laughing.

Also, when we discuss 'teenage' pregnancy, (unless this has been mentioned, I was reading quickly) there is a HUGE, vast difference between a 13 year old and an 18 year old. Literally a lifetime of difference... My two sisters are fifteen and eighteen, and even the differences there (maturity wise) are astounding.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by nursemummy

Also, when we discuss 'teenage' pregnancy, (unless this has been mentioned, I was reading quickly) there is a HUGE, vast difference between a 13 year old and an 18 year old. Literally a lifetime of difference... My two sisters are fifteen and eighteen, and even the differences there (maturity wise) are astounding.

Yes but there are very mature 13 and 14 year olds. I just don't think we should sell anyone short based on age. My little sister is 14 and when I was her age I was waaaaaay more mature then she is now. Age is just a number and really no good indicater of maturity and definitely not worth.

[Ceinwen]

Age is just a number and really no good indicater of maturity and definitely not worth.

I completely agree with you on age not being a good indicator of worth, but I still maintain (with exceptions, as always, people *are* individuals before anything else) that an eighteen year old will likely be better equipped to deal with parenthood than a thirteen year old.

[ananas]

I would definitely say congratulations, ask how she's feeling...actually act interested and supportive, because she probably won't get that too often.

[CompostMom]

She may be unaware that you already know. Be polite as you would normally do and take it from there. She'll aswer according to her comfort level of the situation. "Hi, how are you?" "Nice to see you again etc" You may also comment on how you feel as well and see what that brings out. I think she'll really appreciate the fact that you are a gracious host and that you try to include her.