Toddler has trouble falling asleep...please help!

[abigail_b]

My 21 month old son is having a really difficult time falling asleep at night. We co-sleep and nurse. When we went down to one nap a few months ago, it became quickly obvious that he needed the nap to be earlier rather than later, so for a while we were at an 11:30 nap. Now we have pushed that up to 10:30. He usually naps for around 2 hours. He does still wake farily frequently to nurse during the night. Our basic nightime routine is dinner/bath/story/lay down to nurse. We are laying down by about 7:30 pm. He looks forward to the whole process and is very positive about it. When we lay down he usually nurses for about 15-20 minutes. After that he just tosses/turns/sings/talks/plays with his comfort objects etc etc. He isn't upset or wanting to get out of bed, it just seems like he can't fall asleep. The room is as darkened as possible. It often takes him an hour and half to fall asleep, which is difficult for my husband and I because the evenings is when we talk and connect. This is a problem that used to happen only once in a while (normally if he slept too long in the afternoon) and now has become more of the norm than the exception. Now that summer has come he also isn't sleeping any later in the morning (up at 6:30 or 7:00), so I know he is not getting enough sleep. He even started napping for 3 hours last week, but I have reluctantly been gently waking him after 2 hours because the 3 hour nap was making the problem worse.
Has anyone else successfully dealt with a toddler that has a really hard time falling asleep? Thanks so much!!

[Omsmom]

I think you may want to push bedtime a little later closer to the time he actually falls asleep. Thats what worked for us. Earlier we'd try to put DS to sleep around 7:30 ish and it was terrible. We both would be lying in bed for over 1-1.5 hrs and it was horribly frustrating for me so I understand how you feel!! Around the time he was 20 months we pushed the bedtime to closer to 8:30ish. Once we pushed bedtime later, he woke up later in the mornings and didn't really want to take long naps. Now he takes an hour long nap between 1-2pm and goes to bed around 9-9:30pm and is up around 7:30-8am. For us a later bedtime was key plus I never let him nap beyond 2:30 (but I've rarely had to wake him up b'cos doesn't sleep more than an hour and half during the day).

[narcheska]

I have the same problem with my one year old!!! There is another post with a similar problem http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=913732

Originally Posted by Omsmom

goes to bed around 9-9:30pm

How do you cope with this late bedtime hour? I am ready for bed by 8pm (pregnant with #2) and my little one is still wide awake! She is up at 6.30-7am every day, barely sleeps for 2 hours in the middle and rarely goes to sleep before 8pm. Some nights I go to bed, take her into my room where she also has her bed, I fall asleep and she plays until she is really tired and needs a cuddle, then she wakes me up and we go back to sleep together. It's so not working!!

[larkish]

It can be so exhausting dealing with a toddler who won't sleep. My DS also has the problem. And naptime has recently gotten bad as well. He's up at about 8am, won't go down for a nap till 2-3pm and goes to bed around 9:30 or 10pm.

DH and I were fighting him to go to bed earlier and when it started taking an hour or longer we were getting frustrated that we just started putting him to bed later.

I end up going to bed later and he still nurses every 2 hours at night so I'm not getting much sleep but somehow I'm making it. Sometimes I nap with him.

DH and I take a walk in the evening and that is a way for us to connect and talk. And now we've just started talking while playing with DS together. Most of the time it has been one of us doing stuff while the other played with DS. But we need time to connect and it's hard with a little one that doesn't need as much sleep.

I guess the best thing for us was to stop fighting him and try and work around his schedule.

[D_McG]

I think it's the summer. DS' bedtime (if he naps) is about 9pm now. Also we found that lying with him was making it worse so now I lie with him until he's calm... the leave while he mumbles to himself .. then he calls me back in riiiiiiiight before he falls asleep. He's 2 though and this is a very new and surprising development. He would always cry when we left before.

[lotus.blossom]

I agree about the later bedtime. I recently weaned my son and we went from a 7:30 bedtime to a 9ish bedtime. It was a struggle for me at first but f I tried to put him to bed earlier he would scream and cry and carry on like the world was coming to an end. I finally gave in and let him go to bed when he was ready and it was the most peaceful awesome situation ever! When he is ready he says ni-night and we get jammies on and brush teeth and go upstairs and he is out within minutes. (This is a kid who would take 30-60min to fall asleep when we were nursing)

I benefit greatly from this switch. Before, I was fighting the later bedtime because I wanted to have time with DH but I actually get more time with DH now because before DS was waking me at 5am and my DH doesn't get up till 8am so that was 3 hours of frustration in the morning (I am SUCH a grumpy morning person) and then at night I would put DS to bed at 7:30 and then crash myself before 9 (DH doesn't go to bed till 10 or 11) Now that the kiddo is on our schedule, we sleep in till around 8 and all get up together and my DH and I go to bed together now. Works for all of us!

I hope that you can find a compromise that works for all of you.

[eko_mom]

Interesting. Our nighttime sounded a lot like yours and I just now realized that things have gotten a lot easier (we are at 30 months now) recently. My daughter has been REALLY hard to get to sleep since day 1. I started to just let her go to sleep when she ran out of steam, but for her that could be midnight or later. She'd just get too wound up and melt down.

Some things I started to do:

Get into a rhythm with the daily activities so that the same things happen in the same order. Not crazy, but just trying to help her know what to expect.

Cut out all TV, DVDs. O.k. almost all. Down to 1 hr/wk from 30 mins DVD a day since about 18 mo. (I KNOW, I KNOW...she shouldn't have been watching at all...)

Really try to stimulate her in the morning before her nap. Do active things. Water, sand, flour, water, music, singing, dancing, painting, walking...

Make nap time regular. Even if she doesn't nap, we do the routine and rest around the same time everyday.

We keep that nap under 2 hrs...(she'd go 3 sometimes). Wake her up if you have to...I didn't start doing that until after the age of 2...I figured she'd wake when her body had enough sleep...but now she gets the sleep, but at night!

When I'm really on my game, I start bedtime routine early by 5:30 so I can get her to sleep by 8:00. (dinner, bath, books, nursing to sleep). Sometimes she tosses and turns...and sometimes I'm not that good and we don't get to bed until a lot later, but it seems like the use of routine helps a lot despite the time. She used to be able to stay up until midnight or later and just go, go, go. But now, her body's got the rhythm. At least this week.

Its totally frustrating. I have not had any time to myself, or with my husband for a couple years now, because by the time I get her to sleep, I fall asleep too. I think that some children are just made this way. If I'm getting frustrated, I just try to take the one-day-at-a-time approach and remember soon, she won't need me at all and that will break my heart!

[WildinTheory]

You are all singing my song! It look almost two hours to put him to sleep last night. It was about 9:45 when I got up from putting him to sleep. I think the real problem is that I can't seem to accept that it's "OK" for a 19 month old to go to bed that late. Honestly though, he was just wide awake. Happy, content - just not sleepy. I get to the point where I start to fall asleep just as he's standing up and then falling onto the pillows or playing peekaboo or giving me a wet sloppy kiss and laughing. I suppose I need to adjust my expectations for all our sakes.

[narcheska]

The late bedtime hour would be okay if my LO woke up late, but she doesn't. She is up at 6.30-7am like clockwork for her morning pee (and her room is dark). She refuses to go back to sleep even if she is falling over with tiredness; and we've tried everything, rocking, bottle, cuddles. She just wants up. Then she is so tired til her morning nap that she gets cranky at the slightest thing. So I know she is not getting enough sleep. The recommended for a one yr old is 11 hours overnight and 2.5 hours during (approximately) and she's way off that.

How many hours is everyone else's children sleeping?

[megan sacha]

Our 14 month old has mostly been easy to get to sleep at night in his life but is starting to get harder. Last night we started trying at 7:15 because he was tired and after 1/2 hour we gave up as he was just digging his head in the pillows and babbling. We hadn't had dinner and due to a change in plans had no food to cook so we had to go pick something up. We put DS in the car, drove to pick it up, ate it (we were starving) at home and he of course had second dinner then. And didn't go to bed until 9:45! He normally goes around 7. I felt so bad taking him out of the house at 7:45 but we needed food and he despite being tired was really happy and just didn't want to go to bed.

I think you do have to take it one day at a time and some days will be easier than others. It's hard not to get all stressed out that your toddler is up so late or your routine didn't work so well today. But, most likely it all works itself out in the end.

[abigail_b]

Thanks so much for all the replies. Good to know that I am not alone! We have actually had a couple of pretty good nights. This might be a total fluke, but it seemed to help to let him burn off some energy right before bed. We let him jump on the beds (our king size mattress and his full size futon right next to it) for about 15-20 minutes in between bath and story. I know in "Sleepless in America" the author mentions that while usually energetic actiivty right before bedtime is not good, there are some children that seem to do well with it. So we will try it a few more times and see if it actually makes a real difference.
Good luck to everyone else. We have definitely been focusing on daily rythms etc as well.
To the PP that asked about total hours-- on a bad day he is only getting about 11 with naps, but normally it is closer to 13. But he is definitey not getting enough at night- he really acts like he is tired in the morning until after he naps.

[narcheska]

After another sleepless night i made my husband go to the GP with LO and demand help with getting her to sleep (I was at work). The GP said, just put her in her room, read her stories, then say Nigh-Nigh and leave the room. Check on her in ten minutes, pat her and say Nigh-nigh, then leave the room. Wait 12 minutes, do the same. Wait 15 mins, do the same... blah blah.

I was skeptical, LO had never ever gone to sleep without us since she was about 2 months old. My parents always stayed with me til I slept til I was well past toddlerhood. We tried a similar approach as the GP suggested when she was about 6 months in her cot and she just screamed and screamed. At 13 mths she now has her own double futon mattress on the floor which she loves.

Anyway, tried the technique, and not a single peep out of her. Took 45 minutes til she went to sleep, and the final time DH checked on her she was laying down, so he gave her a drink, patted her on the back for 5 mins and voi-la!! Asleep! She had ransacked her room, unpacked her drawers, pulled her books out to read, but obviously she was just amusing herself til she felt tired.

Fingers crossed this will keep working. Good luck everyone!!

[megan sacha]

Originally Posted by narcheska

After another sleepless night i made my husband go to the GP with LO and demand help with getting her to sleep (I was at work). The GP said, just put her in her room, read her stories, then say Nigh-Nigh and leave the room. Check on her in ten minutes, pat her and say Nigh-nigh, then leave the room. Wait 12 minutes, do the same. Wait 15 mins, do the same... blah blah.

I was skeptical, LO had never ever gone to sleep without us since she was about 2 months old. My parents always stayed with me til I slept til I was well past toddlerhood. We tried a similar approach as the GP suggested when she was about 6 months in her cot and she just screamed and screamed. At 13 mths she now has her own double futon mattress on the floor which she loves.

Anyway, tried the technique, and not a single peep out of her. Took 45 minutes til she went to sleep, and the final time DH checked on her she was laying down, so he gave her a drink, patted her on the back for 5 mins and voi-la!! Asleep! She had ransacked her room, unpacked her drawers, pulled her books out to read, but obviously she was just amusing herself til she felt tired.

Fingers crossed this will keep working. Good luck everyone!!

It so depends on the tempermant of your child. This would SO not work for our son who is 14.5 months old. He screams bloody murder if we leave him even for a couple minutes. He's been so hard to get to sleep lately and basically seems to NEED to scream before he can sleep. It's so sad. We hold him while he screams and then he can finally focus and nurse down. Tonight it took 2 HOURS! I'm not sure what is going on with him but I'm guessing it's a combination of some kind of developmental stuff going on, his super bad teething of 4 molars and the fact that he appears to be trying to go down to 1 nap a day from 2 but can't quite make it yet so he's been totally off and sometimes napping at 5-5:30 when he used to go to bed at 7. I'm hoping one of these 3 things changes soon and we can get back to a more regular schedule. As of now his wake up time, naps and bedtime are all messed up and different each day. Argh. Please tell me this will get better soon!

[narcheska]

argh!! One night of heaven, two nights of hell. Same as you suggested, instant DH leaves the room, screaming. DH (as primary child minder - I work) has managed to move her nap to just one - 11.30am to 1ish. He was letting her sleep til 2pm (as most books suggest) but she was just completely unsleepy at 7pm. The 1ish wake up time, no matter how long she has slept, seems to make her sleepy around 6ish, so then it's story time and then bottle and sleepy-byes. At least the getting sleepy bit seems to be working. But the actual sleeping, um yeah. So at this age (around 13 mths) I'd recommend not letting LO sleep beyond 1-1.3pm. Tweaking obviously to suit whether or not they fall asleep at 5.30-6pm!!

Has anyone tried sleep consultants? We're considering that as on option...

[MamaDee4]

I was just about to post this exact issue when I found this thread. I could have wrote it myself.

My issue (along with the fact that DH and I have no evening time--he has to get up at 3 a.m.) is that I am due with baby six in 3 weeks. I do not know how to spend an hour and a half with my 22 month old getting her to sleep when I have a newborn to take care of too.

My DD gets up by 7 a.m. each day. She used to take a nap right after lunch, but lately she just won't. She's not tired. Yesterday I got her to sleep at 2:30. I thought the late naptime was causing the problem, so yesterday I woke her up at 4 p.m. Didn't work. She was crabby all evening and it still took an hour and a half to get her to sleep. And it's not like we are trying at 7 or 8 p.m. We start reading, cuddling, etc. at 8:30 and the lights go out by 9:15 or so. It's always 10:30 at least before she's asleep. The two older kids in the other bed (ages 6 and 4) are asleep in 15-20 minutes.

She will toss and turn, climb on my side and slide down my (very huge) belly to the floor (off the mattress). She talks, sits up, gets up to get a toy, plays with (pulls) my hair, etc. Somewhere in there she says, "Please mamma?" which means she wants to nurse. We do--maybe 10 minutes or so is all I can handle. But then she's playing and babbling again.

Last night I could not handle her pulling my hair and banging on my belly anymore and I covered up my hair and told her to lay down and go to sleep (this was after an hour, mind you) and she totally had a fit. She was hitting my back, crying, etc.......I was laying there thinking, "Am I really expected to let this child beat on me?!!!" I told her to be nice or mamma would go out. I moved the the other end of the bed and she lost it more.

After 10 minutes of screaming like I was torturing her, I let her nurse enough to calm down and we tried again. After another half an hour, she fell asleep.

I am dreading bedtime. Truly.

And.....my baby is almost due. What the heck do I do then? I didn't have this much trouble with my kids who weaned right before the next sibling was born.

I can't wake her earlier--she already gets up at 7. I can't make her bedtime later. I am not about to put her to bed at 10:30! And when I shortened her nap, it made things worse.

Ugh. You'd think after 5 kids, I'd know what to do here. She is exhausting me.

Dee

[abigail_b]

Big hugs to everyone who is struggling!! Here is an update from my end- cross fingers, but the energetic period before bed seems to be working! I know this would backfire for some kids, but encouraging my son have a really rambunctious 20 minutes or so between dinner and bed time has been helping him to fall asleep SO much faster! For a few nights now he has fallen asleep in under 20 minutes!

[megan sacha]

Originally Posted by MamaDee4

I can't wake her earlier--she already gets up at 7.

Ha! Ours was up at 5am this morning! And I am NOT a morning person.

[MamaDee4]

Ha! Ours was up at 5am this morning! And I am NOT a morning person.>>>

Megan,

Ugh. Sorry to hear that. No fun, for sure. And I am not about to purposely wake her that early....not when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and am getting next to no sleep myself right now! ; ) But 5 am is no fun-pregnant or not.

I have a feeling the answer to my new baby question is not going to be popular with Dad. The only answer I see (short of solving this bedtime problem, which I'm not having much luck at) is involving Dad. I could nurse DD and then Dad could take over until she falls asleep. Problem is, she's not going to be too fond of that, and neither is Daddy--who has to wake at 3:15 a.m. to go to work. But once new baby is here I don't see any choice.

Dee

[megan sacha]

Originally Posted by MamaDee4

Ha! Ours was up at 5am this morning! And I am NOT a morning person.>>>

Megan,

Ugh. Sorry to hear that. No fun, for sure. And I am not about to purposely wake her that early....not when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and am getting next to no sleep myself right now! ; ) But 5 am is no fun-pregnant or not.

I have a feeling the answer to my new baby question is not going to be popular with Dad. The only answer I see (short of solving this bedtime problem, which I'm not having much luck at) is involving Dad. I could nurse DD and then Dad could take over until she falls asleep. Problem is, she's not going to be too fond of that, and neither is Daddy--who has to wake at 3:15 a.m. to go to work. But once new baby is here I don't see any choice.

Dee

I think you're right and that this is the best plan for you most likely. Dad and DD will both adjust.

[narcheska]

Originally Posted by MamaDee4

The only answer I see (short of solving this bedtime problem, which I'm not having much luck at) is involving Dad. I could nurse DD and then Dad could take over until she falls asleep. Problem is, she's not going to be too fond of that, and neither is Daddy--who has to wake at 3:15 a.m. to go to work. But once new baby is here I don't see any choice.
Dee

I agree!! Get them men into the picture. I weaned my LO in a hurry as my preg vits were making her high, and because I was really run down I needed those preg vits. But cause LO was obsessed with the breast, I made DH help out with bedtime. He was not happy (especially when it was taking 3 hours!!!!) but for some reason she doesn't climb all over him like she does me, and does seem to nod off better. But then there are times when she just screams and screams.

All those other lovely pregnant ladies who are nearing their due date, hats off to you, I can't imagine doing this still at that time. I'm having enough trouble and I'm only 3 months.