I miss my birth

[Shanana]

"Miss" isn't quite the right word, but I can't figure out a better way to say it. My birth was incredible, amazing, powerful and awe-inspiring. It far exceeded my wildest dreams. And yet, as time goes by and the intensity fades, it feels like it's slipping away. It almost feels like it was a dream, and it didn't even happen to me . I know this is probably normal, and there isn't anything I can do about it. But this is almost certainly our last baby, so I won't give birth again. And it was just so incredible. I'm sad that I won't experience that again (no guarantee I would have a birth like that even if I DID give birth again, but you know what I mean). And I'm sad that it almost doesn't even feel like it was my birth anymore. I keep reading my birth story to help me remember and to make it feel more real. I guess I'm just grieving that it's in my past and will remain forever there. Is anyone else feeling like this? Sometimes I think I'm just kooky .

[Molck]

I was thinking a similar thing today, like it's become just a birth story in my mind instead of my birth. I don't have a desire to relive it, but it was such a powerful experience it feels strange that it can slip away so easily. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway .

[jennythx]

I know what you mean. I keep thinking about it and it makes me all weepy. This was most likely my last birth as well. I already miss my midwife and am emotional about how quick this wonderful yet exhausting stage of newborn loveliness goes.

[Michelle Renee]

I totally hear you. Randy does NOT want more children and has been clear since we were married that he only wanted 2. Two adults come into this world, we leave two behind. I dont necc agree but I respect it.

And this birth - despite the catastrophic end - it was awesome to go into labor at home, stand up after bouncing on my own birth ball and saying "Honey - my water broke" and feeling that energy. I was blessed to have a doula and have some very amazing experiences.

Im sad that we wont do it again.

[clutterbug]

I don't really feel that way about the birth...I wish I did, in a way. I do remember feeling that way after my wedding - I hope that doesn't sound bad...not that my wedding was more special than the birth of my children, but it was lots more fun than the labour and birth experience! Maybe next time I will have an awe-inspiring birth, I am just not there yet...plus, I figure we will have one more (God willing), so I don't yet have deal with the aspect of it being the last one.

I am a little worried that by the time I sit down to write the story, I will have forgotten everything about the birth! I gotta get at that soon...

[MarchWillow]

I can totall relate! Of course we transferred immediately after birth to hospital, so what really sucks, is I still haven't gotten to stop and really oogle and wow over how awesome it was. The best I have is the birth story which I got down right away because I knew by the time I could re-approach it, it would be faded. It is kinda sad, no matter what, but I feel kinda double whammied. Wasn't sure how to post that feeling on here, but you hit the nail on the head. I remember for two days afterwards thinking, I will never do natural again that hurt so bad and sucked something awful. Now that the pain part has resided a bit, I so crave to relive it lol. Yeah I guess Im kooky too

[Tizzy]

Oddly enough I was thinking exactly this earlier today.
It's weird how something so life changing can fade so quickly.

[theatermom]

Me, too!!! This was my best birth experience -- it was totally amazing and awesome, and I'm really, really going to miss the freshness of the experience.

But, we have four handsome boys, so this particular part of my life is done.

[APmom2Libby]

I thought I was out of my tree when I was thinking just the same thing today. My birth was not a pleasant one at all---breech HBAC after almost 48 hours of labor. Mec in waters, foot stuck during delivery, you name it! But, it was the most empowering experience of my life---so painful and joyful all at the same time. I'm sad I won't get to experience a normal labor and delivery---if there is such a thing..., but at least one where baby comes out head first.

[Intertwined]

I think it's so normal. This event that we plan for, think about, anticipate, fear, work up to for MONTHS comes and goes in (usually) less than a day. Mine only lasted eight hours this time, and only the last 3 were really intense.

But I'm at peace with it being over. I'm really and totally OK with being done. Some teeny, tiny, little part of me is sad, but I'm ready to let this part of my life go. Maybe it's because I will start apprenticing in 2-2.5 years? I'll still be touching base with birth for years to come...just not my own!

[HerthElde]

I'm kind of feeling the same way - but kind of not. As amazing as her birth was, I still said that day that I never wanted to do it again. It was extremely powerful - almost too powerful, though, and it's hard to remain on top of that much power coursing through one's body! The day after, I got really sad when it struck me that I really might never have another child, that I might be done. I don't know.

Anyway, yeah, in some ways I don't want to be that powerful. And in others, I want to master it

[shantivibes]

I am not there yet myself, most likely because i am only six days PP. I too have experienced an amazing awesome birth with my little guy and DP and MW......but it is still with me, in me and around me, although beginning to fade, i WILL do this again, god willing and totally look forward to the next time around very like my birth experience with DD where it took me years to trust i could or would EVER do that crazy HB s_it again! and now look at me.....already planning the next!

i guess all i can say is we have allot to be thankful for in the blessing of such a great birth experience that we can feel the loss of it when it comes. i read you birth story and it was very much like my own as well as your first birth, beautifully written and a joy to read!

[applecider]

I'm not in your ddc, but I wanted to say that I totally know that feeling. Even to this day (3 years later!) I still like talking about it with those who were there. Right afterward I wanted to relive it again and again. I almost wish I had a video camera there, but I know it would not be the same thing to see it as it is to picture it in my mind and feel those same feelings.

[bugnbean]

I've been feeling the same way too. I'm finished with the childbearing part of my life and it makes me sad. This birth was so intense and empowering I know I'll miss it for the rest of my life. But I'm ready to move on too.

[battymama]

I feel the same, this is only my first baby but i am really looking forward to giving birth again. Now if only i could figure out a way to skip pregnancy i love giving birth but pregnancy is really not my thing, i feel like rubish most of the time. I am already getting excited about my next birth, this one was so magical and empowering, i couldnt of planed it better, it feels like a dream and it makes me sad that it is slipping away.

[Shanana]

Okay, well at least I know I'm not crazy . It still amazes me how well my birth went, and how very little of it felt "too" painful, if ykwim. Only the last 10-15 minutes felt really hard, the rest of the time I just felt like I was working with my body and even though there was some pain, it was never overwhelming or too much or something I started to hate, etc. It just felt right.

Now if I could just figure out a way to make this newborn stage go as well as the birth ...

[PuppyFluffer]

I want to comment on this but I seem to have a baby in my arms most of the time.

I have to run out now but I want to subscribe so I will remember to come back when I can hand the boy off to daddy.

[Patrick's mummy]

I feel the same.
This is my third baby but first vaginal birth. First was a medicalised drama ending in CS. Second time I booked a home birth but mw transferred me for being "stuck" at 9cms for several hours, and I had a repeat CS. In a way that birth was good until the transfer. I planned a home birth for this baby and was transferred for distress but still gave birth naturally, a few minutes after we got to the hospital.

I am already starting to forget the birth in a way that I don't want to forget it. We have no pics because of the unexpected and rushed transfer.
In so many ways it was an amazing birth for me. Fast, intense, very very strong feelings. I was so high when my baby birthed, I couldn't believe I had done it. On the other hand, I also feel sad when I remember the negative reactions of the hospital staff when we arrived and the way the doctor was shouting at me to have a forceps delivery just as my baby was born. I wish they had not intruded in our lives in that way. It was an amazing birth but not the gentle birth I had hoped for, I really wanted to be surrounded by people who respected my choice.

This is probably my last baby (DH's choice) so I am finding this situation very hard and sad. I love my little baby so much I just want to feel her newborn skin and smell that "just born" smell forever.

I wonder how you move on from this?

[Intertwined]

Can I just plug my profession here for a second?

Hire a birth photographer if you can! It's purely a joy and privilage to be able to give this thing to women. Did you all see my slideshow? I can't TELL you how I bawled when I watched it the first time. First three times, really. It brought it all rushing back. Watching it while listening to my birth music will have me sobbing in a split second!

If you can find someone, and can afford it, do it. You won't ever regret having those images.

[Shanana]

Originally Posted by Intertwined

Can I just plug my profession here for a second?

Hire a birth photographer if you can! It's purely a joy and privilage to be able to give this thing to women. Did you all see my slideshow? I can't TELL you how I bawled when I watched it the first time. First three times, really. It brought it all rushing back. Watching it while listening to my birth music will have me sobbing in a split second!

If you can find someone, and can afford it, do it. You won't ever regret having those images.

That is the one regret I have about my birth being a surprise UC -- the mw assistant who is also a photographer didn't make it . I can't say how thrilled I am with how my birth went, but I did feel sad watching your slideshow and knowing I would never have that.