or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Dd's new friend is a super picky eater - WWYD?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dd's new friend is a super picky eater - WWYD? - Page 5

post #81 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
It's not a food allergy. It's being picky.


A lot of people have sensory issues that manifest themselves in the form of "pickiness."
post #82 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by MCR View Post
lets her three boys all be picky, so each night she is a short order cook. I refuse to go there.


Heaven forbid that AP parenting include taking your children's wishes seriously.


My picky eater literally throws up anything he seriously doesn't like ........including chives and any carbonated drinks.


As long as I am blessed/fortunate enough to have a wide variety of food in the house, my children (and their friends) will be given choices as to what to eat.
post #83 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post


A lot of people have sensory issues that manifest themselves in the form of "pickiness."
:
post #84 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post


Heaven forbid that AP parenting include taking your children's wishes seriously.


My picky eater literally throws up anything he seriously doesn't like ........including chives and any carbonated drinks.


As long as I am blessed/fortunate enough to have a wide variety of food in the house, my children (and their friends) will be given choices as to what to eat.




.
post #85 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post


A lot of people have sensory issues that manifest themselves in the form of "pickiness."
Fine, but it's not the OP's job to get the kid in to see a dr. Until there's a diagnosis I'm going off the assumption that the kid is picky. Not every child that is picky has another issue, such as an allergy or sensory issue. And I wouldn't bend over backwards due to an unfounded assumption.
post #86 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
Fine, but it's not the OP's job to get the kid in to see a dr. Until there's a diagnosis I'm going off the assumption that the kid is picky. Not every child that is picky has another issue, such as an allergy or sensory issue. And I wouldn't bend over backwards due to an unfounded assumption.
I sort of agree with that too, at least with the bolded part. I think it's the child's mother's responsibility to deal with her food issues, tell the OP how she wants them dealt with, and send over food if it's necessary with the child.

I get a feeling from the OP's comments that the child's mother seems oblivious to her child's eating issues, or is ignoring them, or doesn't care? I think it is the child's mother who is not taking this child's eating issues seriously enough.

Or, maybe the child doesn't do this in her own house. (Somehow I doubt that, though.) and is unaware of the problems the OP is having with the child. In which case, as the OP said she plans to do, the mother needs to be informed and requested to deal with it, or asked how she wants it dealt with when the child is visiting.

FTR, my child has sensory issues with eating and he hasn't seen a doctor yet. (We're going to though.) It's obvious how he reacts with food or something foreign in his mouth.

I don't think it's fair for the default assumption for a child with eating issues be that it's just a naughty-picky-eating habit. All other possibilities of issues involving problems eating should be explored and researched by a parent before coming to that conclusion. But as you say, that's not the OP's job, it should be the child's mother's job to look into that.
post #87 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
Fine, but it's not the OP's job to get the kid in to see a dr. Until there's a diagnosis I'm going off the assumption that the kid is picky. Not every child that is picky has another issue, such as an allergy or sensory issue. And I wouldn't bend over backwards due to an unfounded assumption.
Semantics. I call it being polite to offer your guest a variety of food choices. You call it "bending over backward." Whatever.


So what if the kid is picky. Most of us (being Americans or Canadians or whatever) have an abundance in our lives; why not share that with guests?

If it were a situation of "I truly don't have another thing in this house to offer you" then I would explain that.

If not, then I see it as the host being "picky" about what to serve.
post #88 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by grniys View Post
Fine, but it's not the OP's job to get the kid in to see a dr. Until there's a diagnosis I'm going off the assumption that the kid is picky. Not every child that is picky has another issue, such as an allergy or sensory issue. And I wouldn't bend over backwards due to an unfounded assumption.
Well some current research shows that pickiness may be genetic in origin - in other words, those kids are "wired" that way. Forcing variety on those kids can just result in bigger issues down the road. For me, the problem really only starts if junk food becomes the go-to meal for those kids. As long as what they do eat is relatively healthy and they are getting nutrients - hey. There is no magic in "not being picky."

My wild theory about pickiness is that it's a survival adaptation - it probably helps to have people in the tribe who will try new additions to the diet, but also good to have a "picky component" that won't all fall ill when the new food turns out to have bad consequences.
post #89 of 124
Funny how a doctor's diagnosis makes things legitimate.
post #90 of 124
1. I would speak to the child's mother about what foods her dd will eat and what their rules are. I think she should be in on the discussion of solutions. Maybe she will send food or have another idea to make things better.

2. I would speak to the child about saying "no thank you" in your house if she doesn't want/like something. That is reasonable. If she refuses a food politely then let it go.

3. I would stop worrying about if she is eating a food from all the groups that are important to you when she is at your house. It isn't your job to make and enforce food rules for another child who is there to play. If she'll only eat potatoes or carrots then fine. Her stomach won't be empty.

4. If she is going to be there pretty often I would keep on hand a few foods that you know she likes but wouldn't buy or serve food everyone else in your house dislikes or you don't know how to prepare just to accommodate this child. If her preferences disagree so much then maybe she shouldn't be there at a meal time.

I have an 8 year old picky eater. She eats differently at other people's homes- sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes she is rude in the way that she refuses things. We work on both issues at home but she slips up. I wouldn't mind her being reminded to use good manners but I would mind her being pressured to eat something if she doesn't want to. I would appreciate being communicated with if there is an issue.
post #91 of 124
It's irrelevant whether or not the child has a medical problem. The only relative issue is how a host should treat a guest.
post #92 of 124
Thread Starter 
GuildJenn – I love that theory!

I must say I am surprised at how many people are saying that food is such an issue for them. It just isn’t for me at all. I can – and have – eaten just about anything (and I mean truly disgusting stuff like duck blood pudding, a Vietnamese delicacy!) So many people are saying that we would never force an adult guest to eat a dish, which is true, but in my world I would absolutely expect the adult guest to try a dish I served to be polite. It is what I do. If I don’t like it, no biggie, I take a bite or two and that’s that.

So obviously we are coming from very different cultural assumptions about food and what is necessary to be polite. And we’re all Americans. In other cultures, Vietnamese for example, your hosts will place in your bowl any dish that they see you are not eating and this is considered polite of them. Of course then you have to eat it or you are impolite.

Most of us override our children’s preferences to some extent when we teach about manners, or hygeine, or a whole host of issues. We just draw our lines in different places. For example, when it comes to the area of respecting a child’s physical integrity, I don’t have a problem requiring a child to eat certain foods (assuming they don’t have a physical issue). However I would never require a child to hug or kiss someone they didn’t want to, to me physical contact goes over the line. My dh disagrees with me on this, he draws the line someplace else. He is not evil, he comes from a different culture. So I think that boiling it down to a simple, black and white statement like “you are not respecting the child’s preferences!” doesn’t do justice to the complexity of the issue.

As for whether children are being picky or have physical issues when they refuse food, well the answer obviously is both. Depends on the kid. Grniys has gotten responses chastizing her for assuming a kid is picky – but it seems the default assumption on this thread is that any kid who is picky must have a physical issue, so isn’t that doing the same thing?. Some kids really are just picky and would benefit from the “eat what I serve or go hungry” approach. Others have physical issues and that would absolutely not be appropriate. It’s complicated. At least to me it is.

ETA: these are just musings about food and social mores in general, not intended to relate to my situation with my dd's friend. I'm talking about how people deal with their own children, not children who are guests in their home.
post #93 of 124
On this paragraph:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thao View Post
are being picky or have physical issues when they refuse food, well the answer obviously is both. Depends on the kid. Grniys has gotten responses chastizing her for assuming a kid is picky – but it seems the default assumption on this thread is that any kid who is picky must have a physical issue, so isn’t that doing the same thing?. Some kids really are just picky and would benefit from the “eat what I serve or go hungry” approach. Others have physical issues and that would absolutely not be appropriate. It’s complicated. At least to me it is.
Yeah, I agree that it is complicated.

On the bolded part, I'm not sure how I feel about if it's the same or not, and if I am, it's difficult for me to articulate right now......But for the most part, I don't think it's the same to assume a child has "issues" when it comes to food as it is to assume a child is just picky...

LIke you say, it's complicated. I personally think it's more respectful of a child's body to listen to his cues on food issues than it is to ignore them, figure it's just picky eating, and treat it as such. Sometimes children have a hard time expressing themselves when it comes to their eating aversions, and all we can go off of is their behavior, their cues, and the little hints they tell us..I think many people here are more apt to considering therer are other problems at play than simple stubborness when it comes to picky eating because this board caters moreso to the rights of the child, listening to a child's cues, attachment parenting, and so forth.

In my opinion, to assume a simple (no other problems) picky eating child has some sort of sensory or allergic issues and treating them as such and ending up being wrong is the lesser evil when compared to assuming a child who manifests eating issues is just picky, treating them as such, and ending up being wrong about that.

Issues of respectfully declining aside, I think that the consequenses of forcing/insisting a child who has true sensory issues or allergic reactions to foods are worse than allowing a truely "simply" picky eating child a bit more leeway as to what he or she will eat... So many people who are "just" picky eaters and are allowed to be, eventually grow up a bit, learn they are missing out, and simply start trying more stuff. Whereas a sensory/allergic/other child who is forced to eat may be scarred for life by the ordeal.

Anyhow, those are my jumbled garbled musings, anyway.
post #94 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thao View Post
I don't really think the comparison to adults works because quite frankly if an adult came to my house at dinner, asked what we were having, and then announced that they didn't like it (and I mean almost.every.time) I simply wouldn't have that adult over to my house any more .
:

Quote:
If the rule at our house was that the kids go to bed at 9:00 and a friend came over and expected to stay up until midnight, I would say the same thing: these are the rules in our house, my daughter is expected to follow them and I expect you to follow them while in our house. I teach my daughter to do the same when she is at a friend's house. It is a matter of respect. I understand that y'all have different rules and may not agree with my rules, but when at someone else's house it is polite to follow their rules (as long as they are reasonable, naturally).
: And I expect the same thing when our son goes over to his friend's houses. Their house, their rules. You follow 'em.

Quote:
And just to be clear, I'm not expecting the child to eat an entire plate of something she doesn't like! Our general rule is that we all eat at least a little bit from the major food groups, which we define as protein, carbs, and veggies. If my daughter doesn't like broccoli I don't mind her substituting seaweed, for example. But if there isn't any seaweed then she has to eat a small amount of broccoli if that's what we have.
: (again LOL!) And the same goes if our son goes over to a friend's house for dinner. If he doesn't like it - tough. Zip your lip about it and just try a little bit of everything. It's not going to kill you. (no...he doesn't have any allergies...so really, it won't kill him....)

Quote:
If this child is going to be over often (and it looks like it will, she hasn't been put off at all by the food issue and still wants to come over all the time, LOL) I'm trying to figure out how it is okay for her to follow different rules than my daughter. Maybe it is okay, but it doesn't feel like it to me.
I agree. I don't think you should have to make her something separate at all. You're not a restaurant. And if she still doesn't like it...go home for dinner and come back later.
post #95 of 124
Rules of a house are boundaries for behavior and I think you can ask the child to not insult your cooking. Saying something like, "please don't say you don't like the food or its yucky, just say 'no thankyou.'" is appropriate.

However, rules of a house do not involve forcing children to put things in their mouths that they don't want to. I don't think it should in anyone's house, but it is certainly an inappropriate way to relate to someone else's child. That's a confrontational and upsetting situation that should not be put on a kid whose parents are absent.

Many nutritionists think exposure to foods with a relaxed and non-stressful environment is the best way to encourage picky eaters to expand. If the child eats over repeatedly, she may decide to try new foods. It may take more than 15 times of seeing your family eat a particular food before she tries it, and she may never try it, but she might. That will not happen if you stress or pressure her or make her feel singled out. A child at a house where the food being served is distasteful to her is uncomfortable, and you should respond with empathy. You don't have to cook something else for her! But you can offer a piece of fruit or crackers if she's still hungry after the meal. Above all it sounds like you need to just ask the child's mother for guidance. Struggling with a picky eater is a real parenting issue just like any other confusing or stressful parenting issue. Ask her how to handle her daughter's pickiness at your house. Ask her to remind her daughter not to insult your food, and what to offer if she won't eat dinner. You could have a positive influence on her exposure to a wide range of foods if you are a trusted and nurturing adult influence and not bullying her to put things in her mouth she doesn't want to.
post #96 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thao View Post
We are new to this area and I am thrilled that dd has this friend. She's a sweet girl and the family is lovely. But honestly I have never met a child as stubborn (or as rude) as this one is when it comes to food. When she is over at dinner time, she will ask what we are having and then inform me that she doesn't like whatever it is. And I am not talking about woo-woo crunchy organic stuff either, I'm just talking about regular stuff like hamburgers, corn on the cob, fried chicken, mushrooms, you name it. It's like "I don't like it" is her default setting. When I ask her if she's ever had it before, she'll say no but she doesn't like it.
This is in danger of becoming a rant, but I have to say I feel your pain. My 9 year old has a 9 year old friend and she ends up being over here for meals often, and I get the "I don't like that" accompanied by this tone that triggers me big time. I smile and say OK, you don't have to eat it if you don't like it, there is fruit, there is string cheese, there peanut butter or I can take you home right now. I cannot tell you how absolutely frustrated I am with the whole meal situation, and the conflicting things I read from the AP front. No, you can't tell children that if they are hungry enough they will eat it, but god forbid you feed your children the crap they will eat. It's not AP NOT to feed your kids healthfully, but somehow if you've done the whole AP thing right, they will only want healthful foods. I wish I never had to cook for kids again!

And honestly, I don't want my child going over to someone's house and telling the host that she hates the food and wants something else. I would not do that, and when my daughter did that at one friend's house, I left with my children. If I couldn't stand the food, I wouldn't eat, and would eat later when I got home. This is what my husband does, frequently, because he is such a picky eater. I think by 8 or 9 they are old enough to understand that they are not guaranteed delicious food every time they want to eat some.

Part of the problem, at least for me, is my children have foods they will eat, they will tell me they are hungry, I will have planned something for dinner that I know they like and I like, and then I get the "I'm not in the mood for that." Then, "I'm hungry, but I don't want that." And when I mention 3 or 4 options instead that they can have an fix themselves, I get No, No, No, No. OK, we're done. But I'm hungryyyyyyyyyy! No, I really don't believe that.
post #97 of 124
This is as far as I've gotten so far...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thao View Post
If the rule at our house was that the kids go to bed at 9:00 and a friend came over and expected to stay up until midnight, I would say the same thing: these are the rules in our house, my daughter is expected to follow them and I expect you to follow them while in our house.
You haven't had a lot of sleep-overs, have you?
post #98 of 124
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
This is as far as I've gotten so far...



You haven't had a lot of sleep-overs, have you?
Love the assumptions! :LOL

Sure I have. If it's a weekend night, I pretty much let the kids stay up as late as they like. If it's a school night, it's bedtime by 9:30. I haven't had any problems with the kids settling down and going to sleep, but if they did refuse to settle down (giggling, playing and whatnot) I would probably park myself in their room with a book to enforce the rule. I'd consider it an abdication of my parental duties to send a neighbor's kid to school the next day with inadequate sleep. But that's just me.
post #99 of 124
Thread Starter 
Quote:
In my opinion, to assume a simple (no other problems) picky eating child has some sort of sensory or allergic issues and treating them as such and ending up being wrong is the lesser evil when compared to assuming a child who manifests eating issues is just picky, treating them as such, and ending up being wrong about that.
This is a really good point. I'm thinking about it...
post #100 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thao View Post
Love the assumptions! :LOL

Sure I have. If it's a weekend night, I pretty much let the kids stay up as late as they like. If it's a school night, it's bedtime by 9:30. I haven't had any problems with the kids settling down and going to sleep, but if they did refuse to settle down (giggling, playing and whatnot) I would probably park myself in their room with a book to enforce the rule. I'd consider it an abdication of my parental duties to send a neighbor's kid to school the next day with inadequate sleep. But that's just me.
Okay - so your rule is NOT 9pm bedtime, period. It's 9:30 school nights, whenever weekends. Sorry for making assumptions based on what you posted. (edit - sorry - I missed the IF your rule was 9pm.)

However, personally speaking, I don't know a single parent who allows sleepovers on a school night.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Dd's new friend is a super picky eater - WWYD?