***High Risk Mamas Support Thread*** - Page 13

[avivaelona]

Sage. Hire help. Seriously. You need it. If you do ask for help from family be really really specific. Set up a chore chart, and call your mom and give her what for and a list of what she can do to help. Be really assertive.

[soulshine]

sage,
i tell you, if i lived anywhere near you, i would come over and help!! even if it was bossing around your husband from a chair "clean up!!'. i am sure all of us would, without a second thought. but that doesn't really help your current situation.

your mom is clearly missing the point. and anyway, sometimes our pre-existing relationships will make us unable to communicate what we really need or want, especially with our parents... if she hasn't gotten it yet, she isn't going to! what a terrible thing. it makes me really mad for you.

husband and kids being messy, well, that is more workable. another 'meeting' with husband about it? make him talk to the kids 'mommy needs our help'...

and if that gets you nothing... i am totally in agreement with aviva!! you have 16 weeks (is that right?) left, and if you can find the $ to have a cleaning service come once a week, i would think that would be a great help. even once every other week. for your sanity!

[Sage_SS]

k, after a second breakdown, with my 7 year old right beside me no less, I have now calmed down enough to breathe.

My husband is less than assertive when it comes to ensuring our kids have done their work. He comes from a childhood where nothing was ever expected of him, and he's having a hard time changing that as a parent himself.
I come from a childhood where everything was expected of me. I am far more reasonable in my expectations of my daughters that my mom was with me, but I can't enforce anything. I just end up getting seriously irritated and frustrated with my daughters and my husband. I'm sick of sounding like a nag. I'm tired of hoping someone will help us.
The depth of anger I feel toward my mother right now is .... well I'm sure you get it. I'm tempted to call her and tell her to come pick up my brother and then block her number from our phone.

I need to clear my head and think. I've sent off a couple of emails about getting someone in here to clean the house. I have to come up with some solutions.

I've had 'that' talk with my husband a couple of times. He's sore and tired when he gets home, he works really long days. He's a stunt man, so I know his muscles are sore and the last thing he wants to do is clean up the kitchen after getting dinner together. I can't keep saying the same stuff to him.

Aside from the pain of this pregnancy, all this other stuff has assured me that this will be our last baby.

[soulshine]

jeez, sage... you have like 'the perfect storm' going on there in terms of why it is that your husband isn't helping more, you mom especially, and for you, why you would be very in tune with what is actually going on in your house!

hopefully getting someone in there to help clean will come through soon.

*hug*

you are being incredible with your staving off the meds and the caesar (thanks for the definition, btw) but i really hope you are taking them when you really need them! i hate to sound like a pusher, but a nice glass of wine or whatever to help you sleep is not going to harm baby, imho. if you had 2-3 a day for he length of the pregnancy, then yes, maybe a problem, but a therapeutic dosage of a bit of alcohol to help take the edge off the lack of sleep... i think its a pretty good thing.

man oh man am i sick of olympic beach volleyball!! enough already!

[hollycat]

honeys - i was thinking of you all today. im on the take it easy no sex no exercise plan which is nowhere near bedrest. i can't imagine how hard this is, but i know the beautiful healthy babies you all will have are worth it.

sage, sweets, i am so with these gals. hire someone to clean. put the intention out there that the right angel will find you guys.

and here is a very gentle suggestion which you can tell me to shove up my a&% - maybe its time to consider surrender. letting it all go. do what you can (hire the cleaning person, rely on your friends, thats what they are there for) and considering just letting the rest go. truly consider that now, at this time, and in your condition, youre gonna make your mom, your hubby or your kids different people. because im not sure youre going to succeed and the only person who is really being driven crazy here is you.
yes, it would be great if they could see through your eyes and "get it" - but for now, maybe they cant. yes, it sucks to be the more evolved person. but maybe its time to say, screw it. im gonna handle what i can handle, and im not going to go crazy trying to control other people who are refusing to be controlled or refusing to change.
its not like anything you are saying isnt totally fair, rational and right. Its ALL fair and right. youre right. but the question i have for you is, is this tack working? is it solving the problem? or is it just making you miserable?
if its not working anyway, maybe you let everyone, and especially yourself off the hook. if youre at all spiritual, turn it over to god, to spirit and say, i give up. im open to help, but i cant do this anymore.
ive seen miracles happen in that space you cant belive.
listen, i have no idea what youre going thru and no right to offer any kind of advice. but it seems sanity can be yours, and maybe thats your victory here. will the kids be harder to reign in later? maybe. will your mom or hubby ever get it? maybe. is it worth it for you to have all this off your back, now, for you and the baby? i think definately.
sent with love, h

[Sage_SS]

you guys are really amazing and so supportive. If I could, I'd shower all of you with all the love I could muster.

I think today just kinda broke me. With the worries of the growth on my placenta, the cyst on the baby's brain, the history of PE and my OB isn't doing anything to prevent another from happening, the level of pain I'm trying to cope with, the total lack of sleep and getting no support... it all snowballed on me.
An MDC mama contacted me and she's doing some research on my behalf as to finding some support within my community. She lives 16 hours away, but she's so fantastic she's giving some of her time to me.

So this is what I'm doing to try to make some sense of all this:

I've hired someone to come in and clean the house.
I'm going to call the BC Women's hospital and try to get some support regarding blood disorders, growths on placenta's and cysts on babies's brains.
I'm going to let go of any expectations from my family. Its only hurting me.
I'm going to go mad and set up loads of playdates for my girls.
I'm going to talk with my hubby again about the need to provide food for me.
I'm going to tell my Dad that he can't vent to me, not until I tell him otherwise.

There must be some way I can show you guys how much I appreciate you being here... I'm going to think on that for awhile.

[avivaelona]

Good points to everyone. Sage really I wish I could come help, and wouldn't that be funny, two ladies on bedrest staggering around your house?

Soulshine ditto, beach volleyball is only fun to watch if you are camped out on the beach next to it with something cool to drink.

I'm stressing over everything tonight. (what if I love this baby more, what if I love him less, I don't want to stay at home another three years I don't want to go back to work...etc) The baby either has the worlds slowest hiccups or has great rhythm and is kicking me to the beat of every other tick of my clock.

PS Sage you are here for us too and that's the only appreciation that I need. That sounds like a great proactive list...we cross posted so I edited to add this.

[hollycat]

sage - you sound so good on this. i love your turnaround with all of it. really EXCELLENT self care (and therefore family care) youre showing right now.

im an everythign for a reason person and i know if you really get lessons like this in time of crisis you get them for the rest of your life and become a much more peaceful, and more powerful person. i dont know you but im really proud of you.

[ChesapeakeBorn]

Sage, that is such an excellent plan. I am so sorry I was around yesterday evening to help you though this one! Hiring a cleaning lady is soooo worth it. Hey, call on your friends more too - they may be more receptive than your family. And cheers to you for standing up and asserting your needs!!!

If you are up for it, there might be something you can do to help your kiddos with their responsibilities. Maybe you've already tried, but just in case you haven't.... For my DD, I made a little chart of the tasks she needs to do to get ready in the morning. As she is a beginning reader, I wrote the name of the tasks and then took a picture of her doing each one. Next to each there is a blank box. I had it laminated, then used that velcro tape stuff to stick a dry-erase marker to the chart, and hung it on her wall. So each morning, she knows what she has to do on her own and checks it off. She loves it. Maybe something similar would help you guys? You could put stuff like "put dishes in the sink" (or dishwasher or whatever), "put dirty clothes in hamper", etc. It could take the load off of you and your husband. At the end of the day, before bed, they could bring you their charts and you could sit for a few minutes as a family to discuss how the day went. Just an idea.

Many, many hugs to you!

Soushine, I am soooooo with you on the volleyball. I truly respect their talents and skills, but I kinda want to see some other sports too.

Aviva, sounds like we are in the same stressing/anxiety phase. If there is anything to worry about, it seems like these days I will find it.

[Sage_SS]

I don't usually get so low. I can carry the weight of stress pretty good. But all those points just loaded on me. There's only one kind of stress I absolutley cannot handle. At all, not even a tiny bit. And thats the stress from concern about my childs health. Those ones kill me.
When my stupid OB told me about the cyst and the growth on my placenta, his gentle let down of bad news included terms like "rarely" "usually".

I've heard those before. As in "rarely do women get this severe of PSD"
and "usually pancreatitis doesn't occur twice in one month" and "rarely has a 14 year old been diagnosed with bleeding ulcers"

If there's a list comprised of people who fall under the "rarely" and "usually" side, my name is there.

I'm going to get started on my list today. I believe in "everything happens for a reason too" Holly. The lessons I've learned from the lowest points impact my everyday.

Aviva- your child will be loved so well, everyone will see it in its smile, hear it in its laughter. When a new baby is brought into a house, everyone fits together like pieces of a puzzle. Like you were always together.

CB- thats a great way to teach kids chores. We used the same plan when our daughters were little, and with both my foster brothers. I think I will create another chore chart for them... thanks for the advice!

I stopped watching the olympics cuz I was tired of the swimming. I take it the swimming is over now? CBC and NBC both have a very annoying trait of only filming the american and chinese athletes. (At least for gymnastics) and its driving me crazy!!! I sit here and stare at an athlete picking at their eye, or running their hand through their hair, for like 4 mins!!! I can hear the crowds so I know someone else is competing so why am I watching this guy just stand here?!?!

Hey...are any of you DTD? My hubby keeps asking me if we can *try* to find a way that will work, and I've thought of maybe a couple of positions that might work, but I usually feel so crappy it never happens. Poor guy....

I smell bacon. : lol... my daughters are making me breakfast! :

[ChesapeakeBorn]

No DTD here - not since April! Can't do that with a subchorionic hematoma. And it is something we usually can't go without very long. Poor DH. He hasn't said a thing about it though. I think we are both too afraid of jeopardizing the situation.

Sage, I know what you mean about those terms "rarely" or "usually". Who's to say I'm not in the minority? I don't trust them either and it has lead to numerous meltdowns.

[avivaelona]

Yeah IC, SCH, Severe PSD, all rare, we are all here on this thread because of the rarelys.

No DTD here either, pelvic rest until the stitch comes out, last time we tried a few times once it was out but 37 weeks pregnant is not the best time to start trying to have a sex life again. Then it was 6 months post partum before it stopped hurting down there. (I had an undissolved dissolving stitch) and I was nursing so I didn't like the whole idea. DH and I have a great partnership but the sexual relationship has been kind of "non-existant to eh" for the last 4 years. We had one quickie after a short dry spell actually and it resulted in this pregnancy, yeesh.

[soulshine]

chiming in on 'no sex'
and
being on the shiddy side of the statistics.

no fun.

but, i am definitely not a 'everything happens for a reason' kind of girl. i think things happen, and some times you can eek out some kind of lesson or gem of wisdom out of it, but sometimes things just suck with no bonus or hidden lining. that's just me though.

i am looking forward to having a normal sex life again!! that will be wonderful! : i am going to say that the last time i had normal sex was sometime in 2004. since then it has been tinged with grief, ttc-obsession, and utter frustration. and now we are banned from doing it! so, sometime in mid-2009, it will be normal again!! tap tap tap tap....

[avivaelona]

Really truly normal sex? Sometime in 2003. bleh.

I had a meltdown about collard greens tonight, here is the story:
See we got these beautiful collard greens at the farm share, and I've really been looking forward to having them...very little food is actually tempting to me at all, and this was one of the few things that sounded delicious. So DH made them tonight and thinking he was making them extra yummy he put turkey bacon in them. I don't really like non-veggie collards even if its a meat that I eat in them. But a few days ago I told him that especially I just wasn't being able to eat the turkey bacon, and he forgot. I tried to eat the collards anyway but I just couldn't. He felt so terribly bad I was trying to say it was ok, and well, I just ended up losing it instead. (at least I waited til DS fell asleep) but just a total pregnant woman sobfest. I know we'll look back on this in five years and be totally hysterically laughing that I was heartbroken over collard greens, but, I totally am. I wanted them sooooo badly. And lately I just hardly want anything (food or otherwise) so it felt so good to be excited about something even if it was just collard greens....all ruined. :sob

On the funny side though, I told him I was sad he didn't know what food I liked and he listed all the foods he knows I do like and it made me laugh. He's a good guy and I know I'm lucky even if he was a doofus about the collards tonight.

I think you can find lessons in everything and its certainly a better way to cope with hard stuff in life rather than just cursing it, but I don't think everything happens for a reason, because I can't look at the loss of my baby that way, it just hurts too much to think of it has having had a "reason" somehow. It hurts more actually because then I think that my living son wouldn't be here if my dead son was, and wow, who wants to be putting their children on a balance scale. I want them both even if that wouldn't be possible.

[hollycat]

piss. back from US today and i have a shortening thinning cervix. going back in a week, on modified BR. piss. piss. hugs to you all.

[Sage_SS]

I'm sorry to hear that Holly. Does that mean you'll have a cerclage like aviva?

[hollycat]

not yet sage. since im 21/22 weeks we're just going to look closely at it. i think there is some concern about doing one after 19 weeks but ob did mention it.
because i lost my last babe at about 28 wks i get a little nervous in ultrasounds and i just sortof went into a little shock and didnt listen as well as i should have. it shortened quite a bit from teh "normal" of the last US three weeks ago. so im going to try to get more info here.

[ChesapeakeBorn]

Holly, ask you doc about P17 shots if you aren't already on them!! They are for women who have had previous preterm deliveries and they prevent the cervix from doing just what yours is doing. I am on them so let me know if you want more info.

[avivaelona]

Yeah a cerclage this late in the game is unusual..they don't have a good success rate once the cervix starts to thin and the risk of infection is higher, but I would totally check into the P17 shots, they aren't "standard of care" at this point so a lot of docs don't do them but it does look like there is some good evidence that they can help.

I'm so sorry to welcome you to the bedrest crew Holly but at least we are here to keep you company. Baby stay IN there

[hollycat]

guys, thanks a ton for any info you can give and of course your encouragement.