Things are okay here. We've decided to induce, so we go into the hospital tomorrow morning at 9 to start the process. Hopefully it won't take too terribly long. I've also decided to go with an epidural for both the pit contractions and the PSD pain. I'd like to go as far as I can without it, but I think managing the pain is important, so I've come to terms with that.
Thursday was just an awful day. Last weekend I started having contractions and got all excited that THIS WAS IT!!! Oh how naive
. I have pretty much reached the end of my rope with the PSD pain, but felt so optimistic with the contractions. Thursday I had an ultrasound to check size and position (dr. was a bit concerned with IUGR due to a wonky fundal height measurement the week before, so she wanted to take a peek). Position is perfect--head down, facing the right way, and estimated weight is fantastic as well--7 pounds 9 oz (the tech said give or take a pound at this point, since weight is so tricky to measure at this stage--but a pound either way is perfectly fine with me, since 6 lbs 9oz is small but nice and healthy, and 8 lbs 9oz is healthy but not huge). That was the good news.
My exam, however, was nothing short of depressing. I was still 0cm dilated, though more effaced (she didn't give me a percentage). Baby has dropped more but she didn't specify a station. Her final verdict was "definitely not in the next 2-3 days." When I got home I just totally lost it. I'm talking complete breakdown. I had been holding on to this hope that it would be soon, but as I made my prenatal appt. for the 30th I just couldn't deal with it anymore.
When I got home I just sobbed and sobbed and just said that I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, that I just didn't have it in me to continue indefinitely, without an end in sight. I've been slipping into a deeper and deeper depression, and I have bipolar disorder so that's really a bad sign. I know the depression is totally based in the unrelenting physical pain (I have a prescription for Vicodin but since he's dropped it hasn't helped--it's like his head is pressing right against my pubic bone, which it probably is). I had just reached the end of what I can deal with, and could not stop crying. I also kind of went into an emotional shut-down and couldn't even articulate what I wanted to needed.
Dh got extremely concerned and decided to call the doctor himself. He spoke to the nurse and then the doctor and asked again about induction. The doctor was very opposed to it. Her concern is for my heart--because of my heart condition, a c-section (particularly an emergency one) is really, really bad for your heart. It's a taxing surgical procedure and involves overloading the body with a lot of excess fluid, which can cause heart problems. So her take was to avoid c-section at all costs, and she felt that inducing before I was dilated just really raises the risk of failure to progress and needing a section.
Dh expressed his concern about the depression again and said he felt we really needed to weigh both health concerns--the heart and the bipolar disorder. His concern is that the emotional toll is so great that it will lead to severe post-partum depression. At that point, on Thursday, the doctor said my options were to suck it up and deal (not her exact words) or I could come into the hospital for medical pain management until I delivered.
Well emotionally, I can only think of a few things worse
than staying in the hospital, especially over Christmas, so while that would alleviate the actual pain, it would likely make me more depressed. That was Thursday afternoon and after dh and I talked, it was too late to call the doctor back.
Friday morning, dh called the doctor back to again express his concern. She beat us to the punch, however, as the nurse told us that the doctor had discussed my case with the other doctors in the practice (the whole practice is high-risk, and my doctor also happens to have this coming week off) and apparently they decided that if I wanted, they would bring me into the hospital Monday and start an induction, hoping for the best as far as c-section is concerned. After that, I absolutely cried from relief!
It's finally happening!!! I'm so relieved, and now that there's an end in sight, I am actually excited about meeting our LO. I realized that up until now, I had viewed the birth only as a way for my pain and agony to end, not as welcoming our son into the world. I had not allowed myself to get excited because I was spending all my energy just getting through each day. But now it feels so wonderful--I get to meet him in a day or two--our first baby!
I feel 100% okay with the induction. I'll be at 40 weeks on Tuesday, and I am so proud of myself that I made it this long. I just know everything is going to turn out fine
I've spent this weekend arranging the nursery, and by "arranging" I mean sitting on a chair and ordering dh around--"put that there, no, put it there, no wait, back over there, no, what about here?"