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Too much cultural difference? - Page 3

post #41 of 80
Veronica,

I think of you daily, I hope at least a little bit of that positive energy is reaching you in the Great White North. Hugs to you. And more hugs, and more . . . ad infinitum.
post #42 of 80
Lots and lots of hugs to you, this must be so hard, but you are doing the correct thing. I am married to an Algerian and I'm Scottish, I don't think that this has anything to do with culture, maybe his upbringing but not cultural, my dh was severely beaten regularly as a child/teenager defending his mother and 7 sisters, it was he that made the decision not to be anything like his father .... I ramble - sorry.

Anyway if you can't find the passports you could report them lost and reapply for Canadian passports and have them sent somewhere safe or you can go collect them at the passport office. I really hope that things work out for you and am thinking about you, this is not your fault, you certainly are not a bad mother/woman/cook whatever he has been saying. Keep coming back but do be careful he's not able to find out by looking into your pc etc. Big big and lots and lots of hugs to you.
post #43 of 80
Veronica, I hope you find clarity and peace as you move ahead.
post #44 of 80
Thread Starter 
I agree that it is not cultural at all....i think he is following in his fathers footsteps. My older dd is upset at leaving daddy and i feel so awful for her. I dont like her to see me crying. She shouldnt have to be trying to cheer me up by bringing me flowers. I am so afraid she thinks that this is all her fault. The younger one doesnt know what is going on. My concern now is who i will leave the children with when i go into labor...how will i get to hospital...what if i need c/s.....i am so angry at him right now for making me do this.
post #45 of 80
Hi... just wanted to check up on you!

You are one strong mama!
post #46 of 80
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquarian View Post
Hi... just wanted to check up on you!

You are one strong mama!

Thanks but honestly i dont feel that strong. I am staying at a friends place right now. He doesnt know which one but I have spoken to him on the phone and let him speak to the kids. Just trying to figure out the next step...It is hard because I am due near the end of August and it feels like it will be sooner. I am not sure I am up to big moves right now kwim?
post #47 of 80
I can totally understand. Will this friend let you stay with her until you have the baby? It would be nice to use this time to figure out a plan for after the baby comes.
post #48 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquarian View Post
f you don't mind my saying, I find that what helps us in our marriage is to *not* think about things as a cultural problem but a me and dh issue. DH and I can't control cultural attitueds and norms, but we can change what our attitudes are, and what is normal for our household, so it really helps me feel way less hopless. (does that make any sense?)
i have to say i agree. i try very hard to not blame our issues or my issues with my ILs on culture and just say, it is us/him/his family.

dh and i have a lot of the same issues. we have just such totally different views on so much about parenting and life. i mean, there is a lot we agree on-the big stuff (co-sleeping, bf, SAHM), but it is the details that are serious issues.
we used to joke that the only thing we had in common was we loved to go dancing. but...with little ones, we don't do that very much anymore.
it is a real struggle sometimes and although i really love him, as much as i did 9 years ago when we first got together, sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't have been easier marrying someone else.
he is from South america and came here when he was in his teens. his entire family is also here and i think that their proximity makes it difficult cause he sees how his siblings are and hears what his mother's opions are and it does affect how he thinks. and they really tend to drive me nuts.
i sometimes tel myself that it would be just as hard with anyone, marriage is hard...
sorry, don't know if it helps you, but at least you know there are others in your boat!
rachel
post #49 of 80
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by aquarian View Post
I can totally understand. Will this friend let you stay with her until you have the baby? It would be nice to use this time to figure out a plan for after the baby comes.

Yes, thankfully...she is a great friend. I just can't think what else to do right now that baby is coming. I am glad I left because CPS came to see me today about him and an incident at the YMCA a while back. Mind you, it was not abuse but very stupid parenting behavior on his part. He had both dd1 and dd2 in the water with him and he lifted dd2 by one arm (mind you it was gentle and not in anger but you still dont pick up a child that way....i told him that for 4 years) and moved her slowly from his left side to his right side. The lifeguards on duty didnt like that and apparently called CPS. The lifeguards were already ticked off because
they had to remind him repeatedly to stay in the same pool with dd1. He just didnt seem to understand that though she was wearing a floating bathing suit it is still not safe and there are rules and regulations to follow. So I did tell them some of the irresponsible things he tried to do with them until I put my foot down (eg no car seat use, leaving dd1 unsupervised in toy area of store, running around unsupervised near traffic). I mean, all of these things happened one time and one time only but I still should not have to be on guard against their own father making bad safety decisions kwim? CPS basically told me that the YMCA was wrong to call but they still have to investigate which I do understand and they seem to think it is more an issue of him needing to learn parenting skills which is why they want to talk to him. I am just glad I left because what if they took my kids away from me because of his behavior??? Yes, CPS was called on him but technically I am married to him and responsible too. I dont want to lose my kids over this and am afraid now even though they seem to think he just needs a parenting course and it is not abuse.
post #50 of 80
I want to send some your way - I pull up this thread everytime I'm on to see if you have any updates. I am so thrilled that you're not regretting your decision, and that you have support : If anything, the time away will allow you to clear your head.

Keep strong, mama - you're doing the right thing.
post #51 of 80
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by rachel_eva View Post
i have to say i agree. i try very hard to not blame our issues or my issues with my ILs on culture and just say, it is us/him/his family.

dh and i have a lot of the same issues. we have just such totally different views on so much about parenting and life. i mean, there is a lot we agree on-the big stuff (co-sleeping, bf, SAHM), but it is the details that are serious issues.
we used to joke that the only thing we had in common was we loved to go dancing. but...with little ones, we don't do that very much anymore.
it is a real struggle sometimes and although i really love him, as much as i did 9 years ago when we first got together, sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't have been easier marrying someone else.
he is from South america and came here when he was in his teens. his entire family is also here and i think that their proximity makes it difficult cause he sees how his siblings are and hears what his mother's opions are and it does affect how he thinks. and they really tend to drive me nuts.
i sometimes tel myself that it would be just as hard with anyone, marriage is hard...
sorry, don't know if it helps you, but at least you know there are others in your boat!
rachel

It does help I just meant with the possible cultural issue things like car seats....he is Iraqi and apparently they dont use car seats his country so he didnt take it seriously here and either do his Iraqi friends. I used to cringe when I would see his friends kids unrestrained. The verbal with me I think is just his family...maybe the way he grew up with his own father? I dont know. I posted above about his irresponsible behavior regarding safety with the kids but to be honest my friend who is Canadian complains about her Canadian husband (Scottish/english background) who does alot of the same irresponsible parenting that my husband did. The problem with my husband is he is loud and gruff when he talks (Iraqis are a very loud people lol and hubby happens to not only look like Saddamm Hussain but sounds funny when he talks because he has 50% hearing loss) and I think people misjudge him because of it......The big thing with us has been the nasty things he has said to me which I posted before. He has never said anything like that to the kids....I would never tolerate it if he did. Anyway, I do agree with you it is more the family than culture.....I was thinking it was culture but the more I think about it....why do his friends not behave this way?????
post #52 of 80
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RainCoastMama View Post
I want to send some your way - I pull up this thread everytime I'm on to see if you have any updates. I am so thrilled that you're not regretting your decision, and that you have support : If anything, the time away will allow you to clear your head.

Keep strong, mama - you're doing the right thing.
Thanks.....it is nice to know others feel I did the right thing. It is sooo easy to doubt yourself especially when your children are crying for daddy but since the CPS thing I just mentioned I am feeling more and more I did the right thing.
post #53 of 80
Congratulations on your LO! Hope you are doing well and continue to have great support. Thinking about you and sending lots of s and :good vibes:

How are your older two doing with the new addition to the family?
post #54 of 80
My prayers are with you. Never doubt that you did the right thing. Don't go back, don't let him convince you that you can't make it on your own. You CAN!
post #55 of 80
I just noticed in your siggy that you had a baby boy! Congratulations. I hope you and the children are doing well.
post #56 of 80
Thread Starter 
Bunnybee and RasJi7,

Thanks....we are doing very well. I went on vacation to Calgary with a friend and ended up in labor at 37 weeks...the baby is fine. I guess he just decided it was time to come. Yasmeen is insisting on calling him Sleeping Beauty the Dancer....boing (very important to have the boing at the end)...and poor Tamara looks at me so crestfallen when I bf him. I am tandem nursing but she is still sad poor thing.
post #57 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by veronicalynne View Post
Bunnybee and RasJi7,

Thanks....we are doing very well. I went on vacation to Calgary with a friend and ended up in labor at 37 weeks...the baby is fine. I guess he just decided it was time to come. Yasmeen is insisting on calling him Sleeping Beauty the Dancer....boing (very important to have the boing at the end)...and poor Tamara looks at me so crestfallen when I bf him. I am tandem nursing but she is still sad poor thing.
aw poor Tamara! I love the nickname...and the boing haha.

So happy that you are all doing well!
post #58 of 80
just be careful, mama. hugs.
post #59 of 80
Nice to hear that you, and the children are doing well. And congratulations on the birth of your ds.
post #60 of 80
Quote:
Originally Posted by veronicalynne View Post
Bunnybee and RasJi7,

Thanks....we are doing very well. I went on vacation to Calgary with a friend and ended up in labor at 37 weeks...the baby is fine. I guess he just decided it was time to come. Yasmeen is insisting on calling him Sleeping Beauty the Dancer....boing (very important to have the boing at the end)...and poor Tamara looks at me so crestfallen when I bf him. I am tandem nursing but she is still sad poor thing.
Aww, that's great that you are still nursing though! I'm sure Tamara will be fine, And that is an adorable nickname from Yasmeen!
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