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Too much cultural difference? - Page 4  

post #61 of 80
8/18/08 at 11:50am
Just thinking... shouldn't you be a little more careful with what to write on this public board. I mean, maybe your husband may know about you 'visiting' MDC and know your nickname and trace some of the posts/info you gave free and it may also get him very mad at you, even just for knowing that you've been posting delicate private matters on a forum without knowing which one or even having read the contents.
I would suggest to have your posting/thread moved to the non-public abuse forum and to have this thread deleted at the multicultural forum?
Also pls do not use your own name or your children's names in your profile/signature when being in such an awkward situation?
Just in case. Then it cannot be used against you.

Congratulations with your new baby!
Hope you will find a way to be happier, even must it be as a single mom...
post #62 of 80
9/7/08 at 3:28pm
I was just thinking of this thread... hope that you are well, and many, many congratulations on your baby boy!
post #63 of 80
9/7/08 at 6:21pm
We are going through something similar. My DH is depressed and has insomnia as well as really starting to show his true colors. I hope things work out for you guys. I personally don't really know what to do- I feel I'm more willing to change than he is, but I have my limits.

My DH doesn't complain about food, but that's really probably just an excuse for your DH to get his negative energy offloaded on to you. I mean, he knew when he married you that you weren't Iraqi, so what does he expect? My DH has other issues, but the point is- do you feel there will always be SOMETHING so that he'll always be unhappy with you?

That would be to me a sign of depression (him) and abuse (from him) that needs to be dealt with. It's not so much a question of being different as it is of not accepting the other person as a human being.
post #64 of 80
9/8/08 at 1:37am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
We are going through something similar. My DH is depressed and has insomnia as well as really starting to show his true colors. I hope things work out for you guys. I personally don't really know what to do- I feel I'm more willing to change than he is, but I have my limits.

My DH doesn't complain about food, but that's really probably just an excuse for your DH to get his negative energy offloaded on to you. I mean, he knew when he married you that you weren't Iraqi, so what does he expect? My DH has other issues, but the point is- do you feel there will always be SOMETHING so that he'll always be unhappy with you?

That would be to me a sign of depression (him) and abuse (from him) that needs to be dealt with. It's not so much a question of being different as it is of not accepting the other person as a human being.
I do think he will always be unhappy with me but i think he is really unhappy with himself kwim? I do think he is depressed and stressed trying to get his phd but it is no excuse and i think there are issues with his own fathers behavior too. I havent been online too much because of a demanding newborn, a jealous toddler and an insecure preschooler....i will try to pm you tomorrow though
post #65 of 80
9/8/08 at 2:21am
Quote:
I do think he will always be unhappy with me but i think he is really unhappy with himself kwim?
I know exactly what you mean. Mine is the same way. I am beyond caring whether this is the norm in his country or not. It's just not okay for him to do what he does. I'm ready to do a lot for him, but it's never enough. Mine has good and bad days and the good days make me think he might get better. Not likely, I know. Sigh.
post #66 of 80
9/9/08 at 12:14pm
I'm coming in late, so I am sorry. I went through something similar with my ex. Wasn't sure where to draw the line between cultural issues and marriage ones, between him being abusive and me being too needy, between solvable marriage problems and insurmountably disparate needs. Eventually, I left. 3 years later, I still struggle with those questions, but ds and I are better off. You have it harder because your kids are older and more numerous. My heart really goes out to you.

Congrats on your new little boy! I wish your family the best. Have courage and strength. I invite you to PM me if you want to talk in private.

Oh, and be very very careful. People I spoke with in legal and social services before leaving said things to me like, "does baby sleep with you? [he does] Good!" "you really need a restraining order" etc
post #67 of 80
9/9/08 at 5:43pm
OK, I just read through the thread. I hope all is well with you and that you are staying safe.
post #68 of 80
9/13/08 at 10:01pm
Glad to hear from you, I have been thinking about you and the kids. Please take care.
post #69 of 80
9/14/08 at 2:50pm


Take care of yourself and those sweet babies...
post #70 of 80
9/15/08 at 11:16am
Take care of yourself and please know that the law won't work against you and your kids. My mother went through something similar (although there was also physical abuse) and was able to use Legal Aid (we're also in Alberta). Remember the cycle of abuse - the abuser lashes out, abuses you emotionally/physically - you get upset, they go through a honeymoon period (making promises, acting differently) then it happens again. I know in our case he kept stepping further and further over the line.

You're in my prayers, please get out. I don't think this is a cultural thing. I think your DH is behaving in the same way any abuser would and that you run the same risks as any other woman in that situation. I really hope you can get out now and negotiate later.

I know it's tough to think about those things that the kids might miss out on in their regular routine if you leave. But you can build new routines, it will be hard at first but they will thank you for leaving. Just as I admire and thank my mother to this day. She taught me how I need to be treated and that is an invaluable thing.

I'll be thinking of you,

s
post #71 of 80
9/17/08 at 5:51pm
thank you swan for that beautiful and inspiring post.
post #72 of 80
9/17/08 at 11:03pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jul511riv View Post
thank you swan for that beautiful and inspiring post.
Thank you! Family violence and abuse is a subject that always strikes a chord for me. Even 20 years later my sis and I are still dealing with it. And they never change, fortunately I have a positive relationship with my Dad and although he's no longer violent around me it's quite east to see the potential is still there. According to him, cultural norms made what he did acceptable and he would be ok if it happened to me (you know as long as my DH was comfortable going to the strippers with him - which is part of "Latino" culture to my Dad ).

My mother taught me it was my right to expect a different life and not live in fear. Both my sis and I found good men who wouldn't dream of lifting a hand against us and her's is Latino like my Dad!

Once you leave it's amazing what a positive life change it is...after you've dealt with all the legal mess. It was like my life switched from black & white to colour. I know if we'd stayed with him I wouldn't have had half of the positive life experiences I've had.
post #73 of 80
9/18/08 at 12:35am
still thinking of you, mama!

Swan, it's wonderful to hear about your mother's story-- she sounds like a great mama!
post #74 of 80
9/18/08 at 4:45pm
she sure does!
post #75 of 80
9/18/08 at 5:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by jul511riv View Post
she sure does!
Thanks guys! I tell her that every opportunity I get!

VeronicaLynne, hope things are going well for you. You are always in my thoughts. Please let us know how you're doing!
post #76 of 80
9/19/08 at 2:35am
(((HUGS))) dont have time to read all these pages but hope it all turns out ok
post #77 of 80
9/28/08 at 12:32pm
I didn't read all the replies yet, but I did get half-way, and there is some good stuff there. I also wanted to add that even if you were doing everything perfectly in the kitchen the food would not taste the same as what he grea up with. You just won't be able to get the exact ingredients. In our case, flour you buy in the US is not the same as flour you buy in Germany.

HTH!

And I love Aquarian's advice.
post #78 of 80
9/29/08 at 12:14am
Quote:
Originally Posted by expecting-joy View Post
And I love Aquarian's advice.

: I'm blushing!!! Really though, I think that this community is a wonderful place to get advice. It's full of what I used to call "potato peeling" conversation... When I was young, my mom and her sisters, and sometimes my grandma, would get together to cook. I've learned so much about life sitting at the end of the the table while everyone peeled veggies and traded stories about life.

OP, still thinking 'bout ya'. Hope everything is well.
post #79 of 80
12/15/08 at 5:57pm
I am sorry you are going through this.
My DH is Palestinian and I am American. HE has never talked to me with that disrespect
I cook a mix of arabic food I learned online. I got alot of help from Cafemom group about middle eastern cooking. But if I make "redneck food" (What he calls American food, lol) he eats that too.
Your DH sounds a little close minded! I wish the best for you and your kids. InshAllah you will be ok.
post #80 of 80
3/12/09 at 11:10am
Just wondering if anyyone ever heard from OP? I hope she and the kids are OK.
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