So the past week has been a challenge. It has been very emotional on many different levels and I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to simplify. DH and I spent a lot of time talking and I told him that I thought that he needed to leave as I really do not trust his reliability right now as he has been walking out on us if we argue, and with the end of pregnancy quickly approaching I just have horrible fears of him not being there if there was an emergency. A little background...right before our last DD was born a little over 2 years ago, my husband started leaving like this and even left for over 24 hours when I was 10 days past my C-section. It turned into a pattern that almost tore our marriage apart. He went through a very aggressive, depressed, and violent time and was diagnosed and hospitalized for severe clinical depression when my last DD was 3 months old. He was very suicidal and it was a very scary time for our family. He was also very abusive towards me, which I can tell you got real old real fast...and resulted from a multitude of injuries emotionally and physically.
He has been much more stable, but seeing things like him leaving sends me into a protective panic mode, as I just cannot put myself or my kids through that again. Now...he is not violent, explosive, or depressed at all...it is just the leaving seems to be an emotional trigger for me that I cannot handle.
I told him all of this and he really has taken the time to look at how I feel and validate my feelings. He is not willing to leave as he thinks tht it would be a horrible time to seperate with a baby on the way. I do have to agree, and told him that I need his 100% participation. What he asked in return is that I drop 2 of the 4 classes I am taking as he says that i have been increasingly stressed since I started school. I guess it is not a bad compromise, as there has to be some give and take.
This pregnancy has been so hard on me emotionally. Planning a homebirth is such a mixed blessing in a way for me. Managing this diet has been so hard for me as I am SO TIRED of eating the same things over and over. I have gotten to a point that I take one slightly high blood sugar as a personal failure, which I know is insane, but I feel like I have to be a Nazi on myself to ensure a safe delivery of this baby. The ironic thing about all of this is I can bust my butt for all of this time and then have an emergency that blows the whole homebirth out of the water...and may even result in a C-section. DH says that is where I have to have faith and just take the leap and hope for the best.
Interestingly enough DH told me something lastnight that is so true, and kind of insightful. I was very upset and crying over how we are going to make this birth work and how maybe we should just give up. He told me that he truly believes this birth is going to forever change me and will have a huge emotional impact on me...whether that be negative or positive. I tried to argue that no matter how or where we have Kasey we still get the same baby...but he said back that it is not true that no matter where she is born that she will not get the same mommy. Maybe he is ok to keep around, sometimes he does kinda say something that makes me feel better.
I would not say we are at all "stable", but after 11 years of marriage I think he is fair to ask for some time before we make such a huge decison.