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Stepmother still at it.

post #1 of 43
Thread Starter 
So I have posted on here before about ds stepmom. He lives with his dad mon-fri and with me on weekends. He is here for the summer tho. He has been here for 3 weeks, and went to his dads this weekend for a wedding. He calls me last night and tells me stepmom(SM) cussed him out saying the f word severeal times and yelling and screaming at him, for something or another. Ds said his dad told her to stop and then she did. Today this morning ds calls me crying his head off(hes 14btw) that SM was cussing him out again, yelling, calling me bipolar, told DS I had an abortion, Told Ds I didnt believe in GOD(?) and other just random insane things about me. Ds then left as he was going somewhere with his friend. Ds is back with me in the morning. Ds' dad does nothing to stop this. He will tell her to stop, but it just keeps coming on and on. Ds wants to live with me,but his dad said no(he has full custody at the moment due to the school arrangements) and I do not have the $$ to fight, I have already checked legal aid and we make too much to qualify for that tho. Ds HATES his stepmom. She is always putting him down and me down to him and yelling at him. Its abuse IMO. I dont know what to do for him. She has all the control. HIs dad never talks to me. I have stopped talking to her as she was always yelling at me. She has his insurance card, she had the password to his school grades and wouldnt give it to me, she took him to a couselor without my permission, I could go on. and on. I do not even have his dads work #, so if there was an emergency, I would hav eto call HER. I am sick of it. I am sick of her treating ds like crap. I dont know what to do.Just a vent.
post #2 of 43
I am sorry to read that you are having issues with the step-parent in your life
BUT I kind of take it as offensive ,
everyone in this area of the board IS a step-parent ..

You might get a better response to your venting if you move this story over to the Single Parenting Area

Quote:
Originally Posted by Transitions View Post
So I have posted on here before about ds stepmom. He lives with his dad mon-fri and with me on weekends. He is here for the summer tho. He has been here for 3 weeks, and went to his dads this weekend for a wedding. He calls me last night and tells me stepmom(SM) cussed him out saying the f word severeal times and yelling and screaming at him, for something or another. Ds said his dad told her to stop and then she did. Today this morning ds calls me crying his head off(hes 14btw) that SM was cussing him out again, yelling, calling me bipolar, told DS I had an abortion, Told Ds I didnt believe in GOD(?) and other just random insane things about me. Ds then left as he was going somewhere with his friend. Ds is back with me in the morning. Ds' dad does nothing to stop this. He will tell her to stop, but it just keeps coming on and on. Ds wants to live with me,but his dad said no(he has full custody at the moment due to the school arrangements) and I do not have the $$ to fight, I have already checked legal aid and we make too much to qualify for that tho. Ds HATES his stepmom. She is always putting him down and me down to him and yelling at him. Its abuse IMO. I dont know what to do for him. She has all the control. HIs dad never talks to me. I have stopped talking to her as she was always yelling at me. She has his insurance card, she had the password to his school grades and wouldnt give it to me, she took him to a couselor without my permission, I could go on. and on. I do not even have his dads work #, so if there was an emergency, I would hav eto call HER. I am sick of it. I am sick of her treating ds like crap. I dont know what to do.Just a vent.
post #3 of 43
I think that it is totally reasonable for a parent to vent about a steparent in a blended parenting board. I am a stepmom and I like having this place to vent but do not think it is unreasonable for a biological parent to vent about the stepmom of their child in a blended parent forum. I also am not sure that steparents are the only people on this board and if a steparent is being unreasonable in a blended family situation it seems to me this is an appropriate place to post.

OP: I would start by asking your son if he really wants to live with you and if he would be willing to say so in court. If he is 14 it seems like in most jurisdictions this is past the age where courts will allow there kids to choose with whom they want to stay. If he is willing to do this I would suggest filing by yourself and just doing it pro se. I know that in our area the people at the juvenile court desk are pretty helpful about telling people what forms they need to fill out to file for what. You could also try to file and then if it seems like it is getting ugly you could get an attorney at that time and spend the money then if needed. Good luck
post #4 of 43
I am not a step-parent, and I spend time on this board. Being a part of a blended family does not necessarily mean you are a step-parent, but it could be that your child has step-parents. :twocents:

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time w/ your son's step-mom. (((hugs)))
post #5 of 43
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the advice. First of all, I did not mean offense to a step parent at all. And I am not single, so it does not need to go into the single parenting board.

anyway, I have tried the whole hes 14 hes old enough to live with me, my laywer told me I still would have to pay like $3000 to have the custody issue changed, since my sons father wants to disagree with the arangement. For some strange reason. But my son told me that his father did tell the SM * I might as well let him live with his mother, because this is not getting any better(the way the sm treats him)*. This has been going on for a few years. SM and my sons dad have been together for 12 years, since ds was 2. She was pretty good to him for a long time, but it has been the last 2-3 years she has started getting nasty. I dont know why, I suspect it is their marriage, going on what ds tells me. When my child hurts, I hurt.
post #6 of 43
I think this is a perfect spot for it.

IMO, I would try to get my son a tape/mp3 recorder so he can tape her tirads and call DFS. You might not get him but it puts her on notice and makes DFS aware of the situation. I would not tell him to do it but maybe give strong hints about recording the conversation. Different states have different laws on recording conversations. It might also help her to her herself.

As for the school stuff.......go up to the school yourself with the divorce/child custody degree. She/they can't keep that from you.

Can you have your son get his dad's work number for you?

I would also consider carring a recorder and letting her know when you walked in that you are recording all interactions. The first thing out of your mouth while the recorder is running it I am taping all conversations. Do double check your laws in your area on recording conversations to protect yourself.

I know why the last 2-3 years things are getting nasty. It is call puberty. I bet he is getting closer to man sized so she needs to control. I also would bet his mouth is getting more arguementive/smart (been there and doing that). Breaking him down is her way of trying to control him. Depending on his size he could physically intemidate her. She could be one of these people that have pejudist against teens at not know it.
post #7 of 43
Like azfiresmbm, I was a little offended too when I initially read your post. As a step-mom myself, I feel like a lot of times when Bio's post about Step's people are inclined to sympathize, while if the shoe is on the other foot and the Step parent is complaining about the Bio parent they often get called out for overstepping boundaries or not having empathy or any number of other sundry reasons. After reading through the other responses, I can agree that the discussion belongs in this forum.

I agree 100% that the SM in your situation is out of line in the things she is saying to your DS. However, I feel like the bigger problem is that your ex allows her behavior toward his son. I would never be able to tell my DSS something as personal as his mom having had an abortion without my DH hitting the roof. He needs to tell her flat out that he will not stand by for that kind of inappropriate behavior.

I'm assuming that you and your ex aren't on the best of terms, so you can't talk to him about some of these issues. Or maybe you have talked to him and he still backs his wife. Even if you can't afford to sue for residential custody at the moment, I would consider asking my attorney to draft a letter to your ex formally requesting the school password, a copy of the insurance card and thay he not seek medical treatment for your son without your permission. Those things are pretty standard, no matter where the child lives
post #8 of 43

not offended, at all

I wasn't offended by your post and I'm glad you reached out for help. I'm a bio mom and a step mom so I could have very well been put in the same position with either child! The key word here is Mom and we're here to help each other. If she was the bio mom, she would be wrong. There is no reason to verbally abuse any child like that. I don't know if I agree with the tape recording because you don't want to put your child in that position. You on the other hand could try using the tape recorder. I bet as soon as you tell her she's being recorded her tune would change. I do agree that puberty might have something to do with it but nevertheless his dad should not allow this type of behavior (on her part) to continue. It's in your child's best interest to figure out how to get in touch with his dad and also contact the school about getting the password for his grades. Also, if her behavior is relatively new, maybe there is something specific going on in her life (menopause, marital troubles, etc.) that is sparking these outbursts and your son is bearing the brunt of her bad moods. While isn't your concern, it is affecting your child and knowing what the issue is might be helpful with the authorities and your ex should you try to get custody of you son. Good luck.
post #9 of 43
I'm not a step parent, but we are still a blended family and I read here. I think this is the perfect place to vent, and receive suggestions.

Plus why would you assume she's single? :

Anyway, OP, this sounds so very hard. In your shoes, I would figure out how to fight for custody. I know you don't qualify for legal aid, but you may be able to work out a payment plan with an attorney, or something similar. IMO, your son is being abused and you need to step in and protect him.

I hope you can figure out how to do that.
post #10 of 43
if you feel your child is being abused i would contact CPS in your area and see if they have any suggestions about what to do. you dont neccessarily have to file a complaint to get help from them. however if you are that determined to get him back in your custody it might not be a bad idea.
post #11 of 43

Not offended either- it's a problem and it involves a stepfamily, so it makes sense to post in here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiMomof4 View Post
I wasn't offended by your post and I'm glad you reached out for help. I'm a bio mom and a step mom so I could have very well been put in the same position with either child! The key word here is Mom and we're here to help each other. If she was the bio mom, she would be wrong. There is no reason to verbally abuse any child like that. I don't know if I agree with the tape recording because you don't want to put your child in that position. You on the other hand could try using the tape recorder. I bet as soon as you tell her she's being recorded her tune would change. I do agree that puberty might have something to do with it but nevertheless his dad should not allow this type of behavior (on her part) to continue. It's in your child's best interest to figure out how to get in touch with his dad and also contact the school about getting the password for his grades. Also, if her behavior is relatively new, maybe there is something specific going on in her life (menopause, marital troubles, etc.) that is sparking these outbursts and your son is bearing the brunt of her bad moods. While isn't your concern, it is affecting your child and knowing what the issue is might be helpful with the authorities and your ex should you try to get custody of you son. Good luck.
I agree.

As a Mom and a Stepmom, I can't imagine treating either of my children like that.
post #12 of 43
I think there needs to be a separation between Blended Family and Step Parenting as far as the forums are concerned - where a blended family area includes all forms of blended family situations and where step parenting area (similar to the single parenting forums) can allow for support that is as unique to step parents as their parenting lives are in the grand scheme.
post #13 of 43
I am a step-mom and not offended.

Anyway, I agree with a lot of the advise already given. Also, I don't think it would be that big of a fight considering the age of your DS. I believe that once a child is 12+ yrs, the court takes their opinion heavily into account when it comes to who he would prefer to live with.

I just can not believe she is treating him that way. I feel terrible for your DS. Your ex should not allow any of that behavior.
post #14 of 43
As a step mom and a mom who deals with another stepmom (oh yes!), my heart just breaks for your son! It sounds just miserable where he is. If he would be comfortable recording or even writing down some of what she says it would be helpful. There is no reason for the situation to stay the way it is. If your ex agrees that he should live with you, maybe he could shoulder the cost. I sure hope a resolution is found soon.

Btw, your kiddo's are beautiful!
post #15 of 43
Not to steal the thread, but I believe blended family parenting applies to all parties of a blended family. I am not single or a step-mom or dealing with a step-mom but I am parenting with a man who is a step-dad to our daughter. I also don't think a non-stepmom will automatically dismiss a step-parent as selfish or not understanding enough. I've really empathized with a lot of the stepmoms who've posted here. At other times, I think I've been able to point out the other side of a situation. I think that if we are all respectful and really try to listen to where others are coming from then we have a lot to gain from the different perspectives on this board. I know it's helped me to gain insight into the issues my partner faces as a step-parent and allowed me to gain an even deeper appreciation for what he does for me and our child. I think I will have even more need for this board as we have our first child together and are really in a more "blended" situation.

Anyways, for OP, I don't have a lot to say except maybe to see if there are free mediation services offered by your county or state. I think a lot of them have them. At this point the only communication is going between houses via your son which is a terrible position for him to be in - in addition to the abuse he's suffering from his step-mom. Seems like one first step is re-establishing communication in a non-confrontational mediated situation. Your ex has to step up here and if he doesn't I think you have grounds for court. But given that the stepmom was a good mom for 12 years to your son, I think it's worth exploring the issues and seeing if all of you can move forward together. If not, I'd def look at doing things yourself. I did it for divorce and it's tortuous and time-consuming but can be done.

Good luck!
post #16 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Transitions View Post
Thanks for the advice. First of all, I did not mean offense to a step parent at all. And I am not single, so it does not need to go into the single parenting board.

anyway, I have tried the whole hes 14 hes old enough to live with me, my laywer told me I still would have to pay like $3000 to have the custody issue changed, since my sons father wants to disagree with the arangement. For some strange reason. But my son told me that his father did tell the SM * I might as well let him live with his mother, because this is not getting any better(the way the sm treats him)*. This has been going on for a few years. SM and my sons dad have been together for 12 years, since ds was 2. She was pretty good to him for a long time, but it has been the last 2-3 years she has started getting nasty. I dont know why, I suspect it is their marriage, going on what ds tells me. When my child hurts, I hurt.
I believe that your lawyer would charge you $3,000 to address and have the custody issues changed. My advice was to not use a lawyer and just do it yourself. If you lose you have lost very little, $250 filing fee although maybe making relationship more antagonistic with EX and stepmom. But there are resources that will help you to file and try to change custody without using a lawyer.

I would suggest looking here:
http://www.nolopress.com/resource.cf...8/118/246/236/
Nolo press have lots of resources for do it yourself legal stuff. I am not knocking lawyers. I am in law school. I am just saying that if what you are trying to do - change contested custody for your son who wants to live with you and would be willing to state that in court - may not be too difficult to do on your own without a lawyer. Also if you file and do this you are dealing with your EX not with the the stepmom who may be able to be called as a witness but would probably not be able to be in the courtroom. Good luck
post #17 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by myra_mcgray View Post
I think that it is totally reasonable for a parent to vent about a steparent in a blended parenting board. I am a stepmom and I like having this place to vent but do not think it is unreasonable for a biological parent to vent about the stepmom of their child in a blended parent forum. I also am not sure that steparents are the only people on this board and if a steparent is being unreasonable in a blended family situation it seems to me this is an appropriate place to post.

OP: I would start by asking your son if he really wants to live with you and if he would be willing to say so in court. If he is 14 it seems like in most jurisdictions this is past the age where courts will allow there kids to choose with whom they want to stay. If he is willing to do this I would suggest filing by yourself and just doing it pro se. I know that in our area the people at the juvenile court desk are pretty helpful about telling people what forms they need to fill out to file for what. You could also try to file and then if it seems like it is getting ugly you could get an attorney at that time and spend the money then if needed. Good luck
I agree with all of this. I think this is a fine place to vent about a stepmom especially if you want the point of view of a stepparent or advice on family court.
I also agree that if you son is willing to tell a judge that he wants to live with you this doesn't have to cost much money. Dh's exwife takes us to mediation and court and she doesn't use a lawyer and she usually gets her way. Is mediation mandatory in your state? You could start there. If your son is willing to express his wishes, there might not be much more to say.

Furthermore, I think you should have it in your custody agreement that you get an emergency contact number for dad and if it changes he has X number of days to give it to you. You should not have to ask the stepmom for his school password, you should go to his school and make a fuss. If you have shared legal custody and parental rights you get equal access to school records.
post #18 of 43
Thread Starter 
Thank you again, for all the advice. Well..yesterday morning my son was dropped off at my house at 7am and he came in the house crying his eyes out. He said that as he dad was leaving for work, his SM was screaming at him(his dad) saying *you need to do something about that f'in monster of a child you have* and calling me a schizophrenic bitch(which really makes me mad as I used to work with mentally ill adults)and various other names. I have tried to call his dad four times so far and left messages and he has not called me at all. Actually my son tried to call his dad last night and the phone was switched off(or the answering machine was) and his dad did not pick up and even talk to my son. I do not have a work number, his dad has a cell phone but my son is not allowed to have it in case I got the number somehow. I really do not know what to do. We were going to call CPS, but my brother actually works for CPS and he says that all they will do is go out there, question her(shes a great liar) and then warn her. This could make things worse for ds when he does go back over there. Oh, and she took his cell phone away and told him he could get it back when he goes back over there. My sons cell phone means a lot to him, but he said it is not worth even going back over there for. I have cried and cried about this and feel so bad for him. I had friends over yesterday for him to swim and grilled out for them all to try to cheer him up.
post #19 of 43
I say document everything and then find a way to come up with the money to get custody. Get a second job, sell something, etc - if there is a will, there is a way. Some lawyers will put you on a payment plan. Your son is worth going into debt for. Don't let this continue - get a lawyer now.
post #20 of 43
Thread Starter 
I have tried to phone his dad again this morning. No answer.
Quote:
I believe that your lawyer would charge you $3,000 to address and have the custody issues changed. My advice was to not use a lawyer and just do it yourself. If you lose you have lost very little, $250 filing fee although maybe making relationship more antagonistic with EX and stepmom. But there are resources that will help you to file and try to change custody without using a lawyer.
O can you PLEASE tell me how to go to court on my own? What do I do first? Who do I contact? I have no idea, but it would be great if I could do this.
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