Stepmother still at it. - Page 2

[McFeelings]

Another stepmom here, and I APPRECIATE posts like this. I often lurk on single parent threads just to get a new perspective.

Back to your situation. I would respectfully recommend that you stop looking at this as a stepmother problem and acknowledge it for what it is: a problem with your ex. Focusing on the stepmom's behaviour isn't helpful for you. While she sounds like a piece of work, you don't really know how accurate of a picture you are getting from her interactions with your son. Instead of getting into a battle over what is or is not happening, I'd focus on the fact that your ex refuses to co-parent with you in any reasonable manner. It is unacceptable that he refuses to give you contact information or take your calls.

If and when you go to court, you should focus on the fact that you have tried to solve this very volitile situation as a team but he refuses. Otherwise you may run the risk of just sounding like a bitter ex who hates the new wife.

As for a how to, go down to the court house and be REALLY sweet and nice to the clerk and he or she should be able to help you get started.

[ProtoLawyer]

Originally Posted by Transitions

I have tried to phone his dad again this morning. No answer.


O can you PLEASE tell me how to go to court on my own? What do I do first? Who do I contact? I have no idea, but it would be great if I could do this.

Take a look at your court Web site. Often, there are self-help forms there. (Hint: Even if your county doesn't have the forms available, a nearby county might; forms are usually statewide, so you could probably still use them, although you might need to change an already-filled-in county.)

Otherwise, call the clerk of family courts. S/he can't give legal advice, but can direct you to the proper forms and processes.

You'd fill out a "request for change in custody" or similar form, serve it upon your ex and file it with the court. Your ex will probably need to serve a response to you. If he agrees to your changes, everything'll probably be taken care of in a quick hearing. If he doesn't, the judge will probably appoint a guardian ad litem to look after your son's best interest (and that, unfortunately, can cost you each a few hundred dollars), and a short trial will ensue. Depending on your state's laws, your child's wishes may be followed absolutely (in which case the GAL and trial may not be necessary), or they may be considered as one of many factors.

Good luck.

If there is a law school in your area, check to see if they run a clinic or self-help assistance center. The students, again, can't give legal advice, but they can help you fill out the forms (and they may be supervised by lawyers who can give you some advice).

[Strong Mama]

Back to your situation. I would respectfully recommend that you stop looking at this as a stepmother problem and acknowledge it for what it is: a problem with your ex. Focusing on the stepmom's behaviour isn't helpful for you. While she sounds like a piece of work, you don't really know how accurate of a picture you are getting from her interactions with your son. Instead of getting into a battle over what is or is not happening, I'd focus on the fact that your ex refuses to co-parent with you in any reasonable manner. It is unacceptable that he refuses to give you contact information or take your calls.

You are absolutely right! It is my ex, the whole problem is him not even communicating with me. She has been the communicator for 12 years, I think I have only spoken to him three times in 12 years, thats when my son was in the hospital with pneumonia when he was 7.

Take a look at your court Web site. Often, there are self-help forms there. (Hint: Even if your county doesn't have the forms available, a nearby county might; forms are usually statewide, so you could probably still use them, although you might need to change an already-filled-in county.)

Otherwise, call the clerk of family courts. S/he can't give legal advice, but can direct you to the proper forms and processes.

You'd fill out a "request for change in custody" or similar form, serve it upon your ex and file it with the court. Your ex will probably need to serve a response to you. If he agrees to your changes, everything'll probably be taken care of in a quick hearing. If he doesn't, the judge will probably appoint a guardian ad litem to look after your son's best interest (and that, unfortunately, can cost you each a few hundred dollars), and a short trial will ensue. Depending on your state's laws, your child's wishes may be followed absolutely (in which case the GAL and trial may not be necessary), or they may be considered as one of many factors.

Good luck.

If there is a law school in your area, check to see if they run a clinic or self-help assistance center. The students, again, can't give legal advice, but they can help you fill out the forms (and they may be supervised by lawyers who can give you some

Thank you SO much for this help!

I might add that, about 4 weeks ago DS stepmom cussed ME out on the phone..its happened before but I always start talking back to her as she is the only communication line, but I drew a line and decided to stop being bullied by her as well. Ex and I were together for about a year and a half, we were kids. I was 18, he was 19. We have loooooooong since moved on. It was a mutual breakup. There should be no animonsity at all, but there is for some reason. They have been married for 11 years. This is just really sad to me.

[The Harpy]

Originally Posted by myra_mcgray

I believe that your lawyer would charge you $3,000 to address and have the custody issues changed. My advice was to not use a lawyer and just do it yourself. If you lose you have lost very little, $250 filing fee although maybe making relationship more antagonistic with EX and stepmom. But there are resources that will help you to file and try to change custody without using a lawyer.

I strongly disagree!!!


If you lose you set a precedent that he can later use against you in further court actions. You tried, you went forward on your own, you lost, you set a precedent to the court that you lost and they will not let you file again for a period of time due to a judgement that came down.

This is where you need to:

a) hire a private investigator to get a third party video evidence file for the Judge.

AND

b) talk to the school and arrange for the school councilor to be talking to your son TODAY!! the councilor is a manditory reporter to CPS and anything that the councilor hears that sounds like abuse will warrant a phone call to CPS. A call from a parent is way less effective than a third party call. Get the teacher involved as well.

AND

c) if you have joint custody book your child appts on your timeto see a councilor who specialises in divorced children. Your evidence is going to be there w/ the councilors and that is what the Judge is going to look at when it is he says she says.

Remember the law of a child's feet. Children of age 14 and up, the USA has an unofficial law of the children's feet. If the teenager keeps leaving the other parents home and returning to mom's house due to upset, etc... the Judge will look to move the child to where a child wants to be. But there has to be a precedent of the child doing this on his own, with his own feet as opposed to mom picking the child up and taking him home.

Also, if you believe that the child is being abused you have the right to hold the child in your care while awaiting CPS investigation. This is a good time to speak to the police as well about what is going on.

Video speaks a thousand words mama... I have seen it work in so many of the cases that I work on and in my own case the Judge stopped listening to the ex and his abusive wife and said the video was convincing enough.

[Strong Mama]

I strongly disagree!!!


If you lose you set a precedent that he can later use against you in further court actions. You tried, you went forward on your own, you lost, you set a precedent to the court that you lost and they will not let you file again for a period of time due to a judgement that came down.

This is where you need to:

a) hire a private investigator to get a third party video evidence file for the Judge.

AND

b) talk to the school and arrange for the school councilor to be talking to your son TODAY!! the councilor is a manditory reporter to CPS and anything that the councilor hears that sounds like abuse will warrant a phone call to CPS. A call from a parent is way less effective than a third party call. Get the teacher involved as well.

AND

c) if you have joint custody book your child appts on your timeto see a councilor who specialises in divorced children. Your evidence is going to be there w/ the councilors and that is what the Judge is going to look at when it is he says she says.

Remember the law of a child's feet. Children of age 14 and up, the USA has an unofficial law of the children's feet. If the teenager keeps leaving the other parents home and returning to mom's house due to upset, etc... the Judge will look to move the child to where a child wants to be. But there has to be a precedent of the child doing this on his own, with his own feet as opposed to mom picking the child up and taking him home.

Also, if you believe that the child is being abused you have the right to hold the child in your care while awaiting CPS investigation. This is a good time to speak to the police as well about what is going on.

Video speaks a thousand words mama... I have seen it work in so many of the cases that I work on and in my own case the Judge stopped listening to the ex and his abusive wife and said the video was convincing enough

Whoa thats a lot to take in. Whew!
First of all, I cannot hire/pay anything hardly. I am a SAHM, with a special needs 4 year old, my hubby works and we make it, but not for anything extra.
I cannot go to a counsellor with my son as I do not have his insurance card.
I cannot video myself as I am not around SM ever. I just want my son here with me. He wants to be here with me. I am not an unfit parent. I SAH, I GD, I am always here for all the neighbourhood kids, my whole family lives in the town and the judge, well, he is my cousin.
I dont see a reason why I would even lose. We might not even have to bring up the abuse in the case, my son just might say: i wanna live with my mom and my brother instead of my dad. Then the judge might say OK.

[chaoticzenmom]

You go for it in any way you can. Has your son outright asked his father to come to live with you? Go to the places suggested and get some papers filed in any way you can. Good luck!

Lisa

[Flor]

Originally Posted by Transitions

I have tried to phone his dad again this morning. No answer.


O can you PLEASE tell me how to go to court on my own? What do I do first? Who do I contact? I have no idea, but it would be great if I could do this.

I don't know what state you are in but in our courts, in the family law division, there are a bunch of packets and handouts that you can pick up that give you some information. Again, dss's mother took us to court without a lawyer last time and well, she isn't the brightest bulb, so I really think that anyone can do it. Is mediation required in your state? Here, the first step is to make an appointment for mediation.

[Flor]

Originally Posted by Transitions

Whoa thats a lot to take in. Whew!
First of all, I cannot hire/pay anything hardly. I am a SAHM, with a special needs 4 year old, my hubby works and we make it, but not for anything extra.
I cannot go to a counsellor with my son as I do not have his insurance card.
I cannot video myself as I am not around SM ever. I just want my son here with me. He wants to be here with me. I am not an unfit parent. I SAH, I GD, I am always here for all the neighbourhood kids, my whole family lives in the town and the judge, well, he is my cousin.
I dont see a reason why I would even lose. We might not even have to bring up the abuse in the case, my son just might say: i wanna live with my mom and my brother instead of my dad. Then the judge might say OK.

I also think you need to just go for it. Our custody agreement says that either party may return to court for any reason so unless you fill changes every month, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think your childs word is what you need. Just double and triple check that he is willing to tell a judge everything. Keep it simple. I think a previous poster was referring to a school counselor, not a psychologist. That might be a good idea. You could call and say you are concerned about your son and ask for the counselor to talk to him, or you could schedule an appointment for the son and the counselor and yourself to talk about concerns. Surely this is affecting his schoolwork, right?

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Transitions

and the judge, well, he is my cousin.

That's a conflict of interest and should lead your ex to request that the judge recuse himself. If he refuses to do so, that is grounds for appeal and I don't see you winning the appeal.

[Strong Mama]

Well I just called our court and she said they dont do that there. They have no forms, and they dont do that, Id have to have an attorney. I talked to the clerk of court and he said the same thing. He said there have been questions about that before, but they just dont do that anymore. This is so bad. Back to square one.

She called yesterday. She told ds she was sorry and to forgive and forget. She said she was going to take a lie detector test to prove she didnt do that stuff.??? She also called MY FATHER and talked to him about me. My dad is a pastor so he is very laid back and just listened to her and then he told her not to treat ds like that. She told my dad she was going to take a lie detector test to prove she didnt say those things. Whatever. I have heard her say them before, heck shes said t hem to ME before so whatever.
Ds dad has not called DS at all, or called me. Ds thinks his dad does not care about him, and he is down in the dumps today. I am lost for what to do, at this point.

[Flor]

Do you mind telling us what state you are in? My mind is boggling that anyone could be required to have a lawyer.

[Strong Mama]

I am in GA.

[mistymama]

Here is a great website to get started. I found this website with a quick google search .. it's for DeKalb County, but forms are state wide, so they should work for your county.

http://www.co.dekalb.ga.us/dekalbflic/

You do NOT have to have an attorney, it is a basic right to be able to represent yourself in court. Sure, and attorney makes it easier, but it's not required.

[kathirynne]

Originally Posted by Transitions

...She has his insurance card, she had the password to his school grades and wouldnt give it to me, she took him to a couselor without my permission, I could go on. and on. I do not even have his dad's work #, so if there was an emergency, I would have to call HER....

First of all, My children's step mother is really horrible to them, and bad mouths me, so I feel your pain.

As for the information, you have a legal right to it. Both parents have a responsibility to keep each other informed as to home and work addresses and home and work phone numbers. Furthermore, both parents have equal access to the child's medical, insurance and school information. If your son really does want to live with you, you can appear pro se and file a request for audience in chambers, so that your son can meet with the judge and discuss the situation and his preferences. 14 is generally old enough for a child to be taken seriously.

You don't need $3,000 to change the custody arrangements if you do it yourself. (That's how much an attorney would charge. )

ETA: Can you tell I work for a law firm?

[Strong Mama]

You do NOT have to have an attorney, it is a basic right to be able to represent yourself in court. Sure, and attorney makes it easier, but it's not required.

They are telling me I do, in the county I live in. I dont know how to argue with them. I dont know what to do because they are telling me no.

[My*Scorpio]

Can you file a request for a change in parenting time with Friend of the Court? That may be an easier route.

[kathirynne]

Originally Posted by Transitions

They are telling me I do, in the county I live in. I dont know how to argue with them. I dont know what to do because they are telling me no.

What county is it?

If I can find the Rules of Court for that county, I can have your request drafted in about 15 minutes. (And I won't charge you $3,000! )

[Strong Mama]

Can you file a request for a change in parenting time with Friend of the Court? That may be an easier route

I dont know...never heard of the friend of the court, but I guess I could ask them. Thanks.

What county is it?

If I can find the Rules of Court for that county, I can have your request drafted in about 15 minutes. (And I won't charge you $3,000! )

Wow! That is so nice of you! I will PM you my county. Thank you. Wow!

[littleaugustbaby]

Originally Posted by myra_mcgray

I think that it is totally reasonable for a parent to vent about a steparent in a blended parenting board. I am a stepmom and I like having this place to vent but do not think it is unreasonable for a biological parent to vent about the stepmom of their child in a blended parent forum. I also am not sure that steparents are the only people on this board and if a steparent is being unreasonable in a blended family situation it seems to me this is an appropriate place to post.

I agree. We get a lot of the people from the step-parenting board over at the single parenting board. Not all of the parents over at single parenting have experience dealing with blended/step families. Some of us are trying to make our way and figure out how to make it all work, as I'm sure most of the people here are too. It's helpful when people can "cross over" to get advice.

To the OP, you've gotten some great advice here. I hope you can find a resolution soon.

[mrsfrenchy]

I think most of the people here have better advice than I, but I wanted to add that if you don't get this figured out for how to do it alone (w/out a lawyer) before school starts again, I would go to your DSs school and talk with the counselors.

They should be able to have some idea of how to help you, it gives a record that you've been seeking help for your son's issues with his dad and SM, etc.

Hugs, momma. I feel so bad for your DS.