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Any mama's who were abandoned by their moms in childhood/teens?

post #1 of 108
6/17/08 at 1:41am
Thread Starter 
This might be a bit of a niche subject, so I won't share my entire story unless others are interested in talking about it.


Anyways..

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post #2 of 108
6/17/08 at 2:13am
I haven't been in your shoes, but I wanted to offer you support. I'm very sorry for what you have been through, and I hope you can somehow find peace and that other mamas who have gone through this will post.
post #3 of 108
6/17/08 at 2:26am
I'm sending hugs your way. I didn't have that happen personally with my mom (dad though), but hubby did have that happen to him with his mom. Its incredibly difficult to deal with. I'm just sending you big hugs mama!
post #4 of 108
6/17/08 at 5:03am
Quote:
Originally Posted by loitering View Post
Now I'm constantly reminded of her as I go about my days as a mom and a homemaker. And I struggle with simple things that I feel like she SHOULD have taught me. I tried to make a pie tonight (from a box, not even scratch!) and I completely ruined it. I make recipes while googling things like "how to cut onions"!
I didn't have the same experience as you. From the outside it looked like I had a beautiful all american family growing up. My Mom suffered from serious depression, and I was alone (basically neglected) a lot growing up.

I can relate to reliving my childhood threw becoming a Mom. I was incredibly resentful of my Mom the first couple years after dd was born. But with time I had healed a lot of old wounds threw being a Mom. It's been more healing than all my years in therapy.

It was slow, it was painful, I wasn't prepared for all the memories that would come flooding back, but it really was a blessing. In my head my life was normal. I knew I started to really care for myself on my own around second grade, but because I lived it, it was just the way it was, it was my normal. My dd is entering the second grade, and I just can't imagine her trying to make her own dinner, being alone as much as I was. It breaks my heart as if I'm looking at myself as another person. At the same time, being the Mom that I wish I had (far from perfect, but I know I am doing a awesome job) is really healing. It's almost as if I'm parenting myself while parenting my dd.

post #5 of 108
6/17/08 at 7:39am
Yes my mom abandoned me, my brother, and sister when I was 10 years old. She got on steriods, went off and joined a circus and started living with a woman. We didnt hear from her for 6 years. We had no clue where she was...I was the oldest and had to be a mom to my brother and sister. My dad became an alcoholic and we starved a lot of the time. I am shortening the story here. LOL

Anyway..flash forwrad to now..my mom lives 4 hours away and calls me once a week. She visits aobut 3 times a year. Turned out she was bipolar and she is doing better, but not great.
post #6 of 108
6/18/08 at 2:59am
my mom emotionally abandoned me when my dad walked out. i was 6 and my brother was 10. she blamed us silently for him leaving. i was very close to him so it was heart breaking. i took care of the home while my mom worked 24/7. we were latch key kids with zero supervision. i have no idea how we turned out half way normal.

after i had dd we developed a relationship. i feel like she's trying to make up for abandoning me. i have had to learn how to be a mother to dd and let go of the hurt...
post #7 of 108
6/18/08 at 7:39am
Quote:
Originally Posted by loitering View Post
I make recipes while googling things like "how to cut onions"!
Weird little fact: if you hold a piece of bread in your mouth while cutting onions, they don't burn your eyes as much. You can even buy bags of frozen chopped onions.

I'm sorry for your pain.
post #8 of 108
6/18/08 at 1:32pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Genesis View Post
I haven't been in your shoes, but I wanted to offer you support. I'm very sorry for what you have been through, and I hope you can somehow find peace and that other mamas who have gone through this will post.
Apparently I don't deal with this issue as well as I thought - for some reason, the second I started to read your message I burst into tears! Repressed emotions, much? Thank you


Quote:
Yes my mom abandoned me, my brother, and sister when I was 10 years old. She got on steriods, went off and joined a circus and started living with a woman. We didnt hear from her for 6 years. We had no clue where she was...
Is it wrong that the first thing I thought was "so I guess you understand how much it sucks that your mom left to do something incredibly weird!" I guess my mom's reason (internet boyfriend) is more normal now, but when it happened it was like a joke. They met in a religious AOL chat room, ffs!


It's hard how random things make me think of my mom. Sometimes I'll be organizing something in a rubbermaid bin with a label and remember how my mom used to do that. And then I start this endless ramble of questions - did she leave because she put too much pressure on herself to be perfect? I put pressure on myself, could I do the same thing? Was she bored with taking care of her family? I very specifically *do not* devote myself 24/7 to ds, and I think that's connected to my mom. I take good care of him, but I have people in my life who like to take him out and spend time with him and I let him go happily. I remember my mom wearing the same jeans for 10 years but bringing us home new clothes every week. She was a young mom with 4 under 6 at one point, and she got used to never having a moment to herself.

That's my ramble for the day.

Thank you everyone.
post #9 of 108
6/18/08 at 1:51pm


I know exactly how you feel. When I was 10 my step-father (my bio dad died when I was 1 from leukemia) and my mother separated (they were in a "common law" marriage) my mom gave him custody of my 3 younger brothers (the youngest was <1, I think) and I had to decide who to go with. My mother is/was a diagnosed bi-polar alcoholic who could hardly take care of herself, so I chose to go with my brothers (whom I had already been practically raising since I was 6, when the first was born). We moved about 2-3 hours away and she has only made pitiful attempts over the years to have any part in our lives. I don't even think she knows I recently got married.

Life with my step-father was marginally better. :

I do not yet have children, but I've already been painfully aware of all the things I missed out on. Little things like knowing how to put on make-up or do your hair. Seeing any kind of mother-daughter commercials makes me angry and incredibly sad (like grieving, almost) at the same time.

I never had much problems with the cooking aspect since my SF taught me how to cook and I was in charge of meals pretty much from age 10 until I moved out at 18. I feel like I've really missed out on being shown how to be feminine and embrace that...so I stumble along in life, never quite feeling at ease with other females (much more comfortable making friends with guys) because I just don't seem to relate the same way

I have a feeling that having a child will also be a healing experience for me...until that time I still have plenty of healing to do on my own
post #10 of 108
6/18/08 at 2:40pm
My story is a little different...my mother abandoned me by committing suicide when I was only 13 months old. I was raised by my father (we are extremely close) until he remarried when I was 5. So I've had a stepmother for nearly 25years.

Even though I had a "mom" for most of my life, my biological mom's death had a huge impact on me. I tend to feel most comfortable around men (I guess from being so close to my dad). I have major trust issues with women, I tend to keep my female friends at arm's length, and all of my *best* friends have seriously disappointed me.

My stepmom and I have worked hard to establish a good relationship. But (and I feel so guilty for saying this) after my DS was born, I have never felt so distant from her. It feels like now that I've experienced that deep mother-child bond, I know what I've missed from my own biological mom and am even more aware that it was something that never existed with my stepmom.
post #11 of 108
6/18/08 at 7:39pm
I am so sorry for what you have been and are going through.
My mother left me when I was very young. I had no contact w/her until a couple years ago when my dad was dying. A few weeks ago I met w/her again and I got to ask some of the questions I've wondered about my whole life. I have no idea what will become of any of this. I have yet to decide if I even want a relationship w/her.
post #12 of 108
6/19/08 at 1:08pm


My mom left when I was 7...and my dad spiraled into a very deep depression. I pretty much was left on my own to make my own meals, wash clothes, clean the house etc. When I was 12 I was told I was going to be moving in with my mom...and that was pretty darn rocky.

My oldest is the same age I was when my mom left, and there are days I have such a hard time with it...because there is NO point of reference. Ok...ds is feeling/doing XYZ...and I could...XYZ...I dont have that. I have Ok...WHAT do I do????? Thankfully dh is from a decently normal family and had a very loving mother, so he knows what to do.

I do try to be what my mom wasnt...uh..mainly present. (Yes Im actually at a point where I can joke about things) But being an AP parent, and homeschooling actually came about because of my childhood.
post #13 of 108
6/19/08 at 1:15pm
It's so, so hard to live with, isn't it? When I was in tenth grade my mom packed up my stuff in garbage bags, drove the ten hours from KY to PA, dropped me off at my dad's and left without saying goodbye. This was on Christmas Eve. I have minimal contact with her now.

I used to say that I was "parenting from a deficit." It's taken a long time for me to shift my parenting style from "I am going to do the absolute opposite of whatever she did" to doing things because I trust my heart that they're the right things to do.

I hear you also on the frame of reference thing. I'm constantly double and triple checking to see if I'm doing things right. And usually I feel like I'm not.
post #14 of 108
6/20/08 at 10:09am

A saying...

OP and others,
Your posts have been very helpful to me.
A saying goes:

If you can't set a good example, you will have to be a warning to others.

Thanks again for your posts.
post #15 of 108
6/20/08 at 5:14pm
I feel a bit shy about adding to this thread, since I have not been abandoned by my mother or father. (I clicked because I was interested since my MOTHER was abandoned by her parents, but I can't really share anything useful on her behalf, as her experience there would naturally be extremely personal and I can't possibly understand it).

But nevertheless one thing that jumped out for me is that since being a parent I have been so much more aware of my parents and my relationship with them and how they were during my childhood, etc. I've had positive and negative feelings both. Like you, this is a nearly daily thing for me, and I think that maybe this is a universal stage of our lives. It's odd because some things I've managed to "forgive" my mother for now that I'm a mother (I put "forgive" in quotes because my mother was a very good mother, yet of course not perfect). And other things I'm actually more angry about than before, or that I started being angry about that I hadn't felt either way about before.

So I just wanted to contribute on that point, because I think that whether you are dealing with positive or negative emotions, that this is a very normal process, and a very good one. I think reflection of this type helps us to become better people. I have also discussed with my elders (including my parents) and understand that these types of feelings continue to change over the years, and having grandchildren sparks yet another process that allows older people to gain even more perspective on their lives (and their parents).

And you're right. Your mother SHOULD have been there for you. It's ok - not just ok, but right - to feel resentment that she was not there for you. I don't know if she would have taught you how to bake pies or slice onions if she was there (my mother never did) but she should have taught you whatever she had to offer you, and you should not have to wonder why she did what she did and what it meant to you.
post #16 of 108
6/20/08 at 11:31pm
My mother left when I was just a toddler...basically disappeared off the face of the earth...now I'm in my 30's and don't have the faintest idea what happened to her nor do I really care to be quite honest. The topic of my mother is hard one for me to handle, I feel anger and sadness but at the same time I feel no hatred towards her because I honestly believe she did what she felt she had too. I can tell you that her decision has caused me much pain throughout my life and these days going through normal everyday family home life I can't help but wonder if I would be better equipped to deal with all these things had I seen a woman go through the same as I was growing up. But I honestly believe that things like this happen to certain people for a reason and I am the person I am now because of it and I know that I am a strong woman for it...I hope you find peace, I so totally understand how hard it is...Big hugs...
post #17 of 108
6/22/08 at 6:07am
My situation isn't the same. But I feel like I can relate. My mom emotionally "checked out" as I started being self sufficient, about 11 or 12.

I struggle with building a positive relationship with my own daughter, as well as how to maintatin a household. Luckily my grandmothers taught me basic cooking and cleaning skills as a young child, but I feel like I missed so much. The habits that build a positive routine, organizational skills, how to wear makeup and care for my hair are all things I'm learning as an adult.

I still have no relationship with my mom. I was living in Germany, with 2 small kids and a deployed husband. She didn't call ONCE, or even know which country he was in.

My case of abandonment isn't as extreme as yours, but you're not alone. I tell myself every day, that the desire to do better is the most important part!!
post #18 of 108
6/22/08 at 9:53am
Haven't read all the replies yet...will do that after I post.

My mom abandoned us when I was five years old. She was emotionally gone before then anyway. She was a *severe* alcoholic and was always either drunk or passed out. Or she would leave us alone while she went and had sex with random men or groups of people. I didn't know she was going to leave. I'm grateful now as an adult that she did, but because I didn't know she was going I have attachment problems now. I can't stand to let dh out of my sight, even for a few hours. I can't stand to be away from the kids, it makes me have anxiety attacks. I know that it all comes from a fear that while I'm gone they will disappear. I've been through lots of different therapy, acupuncture, anti-depressants, homeopathy, and nothing has helped.

Off to read the other replies.
post #19 of 108
6/22/08 at 10:00am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poogles0213 View Post
I feel like I've really missed out on being shown how to be feminine and embrace that...so I stumble along in life, never quite feeling at ease with other females (much more comfortable making friends with guys) because I just don't seem to relate the same way
Exactly! I grew up a few years with my grandparents, who resented us for being there, and then about 8 years with my father and step-mother. My step-mother had no interest in us and I never learned anything about being a woman. I'm secretly grateful all my children are boys so that I don't have to deal with teaching a girl all the things I still don't know.
post #20 of 108
6/22/08 at 11:36am
I had a mom and still do - so different situation - but from about 13 on she wasn't there for me (I had to navigate the court system and medical system on my own). But the point I wanted to make is that even if you had a mom you would still be missing out on how to do things..... My mom's advice is so far from what's considered correct now in some areas and in other areas it's great...... She was useless when it came to clothes, makeup, medical issues, abuse, rape, childbirth she was less than help....She taught me to cook, and she's got a PhD in early childhood - so she's helped out with my son (I learned from her when I taught with her).......but when I'm having flashbacks or need advice on anything - I never call her.......she just wants to hear how wonderful I am doing and that's all she hears.....I love her and am lucky to have had her but when getting pissed about not knowing something that your mother should have taught you - maybe she wouldn't have known herself Thank goodness for the internet!!!!
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