Any mama's who were abandoned by their moms in childhood/teens? - Page 2

[Amy&4girls]

The frame of reference has been very hard for me..esp w/my 5 being girls. My irrational fear (more often than I'd like to admit) is that I'm going to leave them..at least emotionally. Or that I will fail them in some way that will leave them feeling less than loved.

to everyone!! It's a very hard path to navigate through.

[mamalisa]

My mom didn't physically leave, but once I started to be able to think for myself she wanted very little to do with me. She was abusive and cruel and we no longer speak.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had a horrible time. I had a little boy already, I knew how to be a parent to a boy. But a girl? The only mother daughter relationship I had for reference was my own and it was based solidly in regret, jealousy, anger and annoyance. None of the tools you need to raise a strong healthy woman. So far we're doing ok (she's almost 3) but I am really scared for the future when I need real mother daughter skills and I don't know if I have them.

[Twinklefeet]

Just wanted to offer my hugs and support to everyone sharing their stories. Thanks for sharing.

[loitering]

I didn't realize this thread had new posts! Thanks everyone for sharing. Our stories are all so different but we all seem to end up with the same feelings.

[SewEsperanza]

Yes.
My mother was in and out of my life- well, she still is.

I realize many of my "issues" stem from "my mom did not
love me."
It has taken me 34 years to realize I am not my mother
and her actions are not the cause of me not being "good"
enough.
It has been a tough road but one I finally have found peace on.



Hope

[gradmama]

I can relate. My mother and I are building a relationship now.....but she hadn't even met my children until last year. My herstory is complicated but the long and short of it is that my father convinced her that life would be better for us without her (i.e., we would not suffer anymore abuse and of course, neither would she). So she left. I can relate to the not knowing of how to do things that a person generally learns from their mother...but even more to the psychological and emotional traumas....Anyway, I'm glad that we have a good relationship now.....but its been a long road. I wrote her a long letter when I was seventeen and just had my first baby, essentially telling her that as mama myself, I couldn't understand how it was possible to leave your children with an abusive person, no matter the circumstances. We've come a long way since then....

[laketahoemama]

subbing

[Amy&4girls]

I am struggling right now w/contacting her too. I think I posted that we have had very limited contact in the last couple years. She very clearly wants some type of relationship but at this point I'm just not sure what I want and what would be healthy for my family.
It's a hard path to navigate through.

[mamalisa]

Wow, it's odd, I rarely talk about my mother and just a few days after I made this post she died.

I spent a lot of time talking to my best friend who knew and saw how she was and we came to the conclusion that even though she died, she had been "dead" as far as my life went for the last 15 years. I knew there would never been some great talk where we sorted it all out and became friends, but still the finality of her actually being dead is boggling to me. I've had nightmares about her the last few nights (which isn't that unusual, but I don't have them often anymore) but I wonder still if I'm missing something....like I should care, but I don't feel like I do.

I was fine walking into the house where I grew up, the house she died in. I had no emotion whatsoever. I closed off so much emotion my whole life surrounding her that I couldn't feel any sort of sadness at all. I'm angry that she left my brother a huge mess, both financial and the house. He's not in a logical place to problem solve everything that needs to be done, because they actually had a relationship. He cares that she's dead. I don't. I told my dh that I need a therapist in a "haha, I'm so messed up" sort of way. But really? How can someone not care that their mother is dead?

[littlelessons]

Lisa - Hugs to you for dealing with an emotional situation (even if you don't feel emotional about it). I just found this thread and your post about being scared about raising your DD struck a chord with me.

My mom sunk into a depression when I was 9 and stayed there, emotionally abandoning all of us for almost 20 years. It was a terribly lonely, esteem-breaking time. I thought once I was married with my own family I would be able to recreate the happy homelife I wanted to have for myself. With the birth of my DC, though, I have been reminded so many times how lost I felt as a child/teen/young woman. And yes, I worry about the years when my own lack of mom-daughter experience is going to become an issue.

[mamalisa]

Originally Posted by littlelessons

Lisa - Hugs to you for dealing with an emotional situation (even if you don't feel emotional about it). I just found this thread and your post about being scared about raising your DD struck a chord with me.

My mom sunk into a depression when I was 9 and stayed there, emotionally abandoning all of us for almost 20 years. It was a terribly lonely, esteem-breaking time. I thought once I was married with my own family I would be able to recreate the happy homelife I wanted to have for myself. With the birth of my DC, though, I have been reminded so many times how lost I felt as a child/teen/young woman. And yes, I worry about the years when my own lack of mom-daughter experience is going to become an issue.

Thanks for the hugs. It's strange telling people, like when I called my best friend she was like, "oh wow, um, I'm sorry, but I don't know that I should be, oh, this is weird huh?" I don't really feel like I deserve sympathy, I lost my mom sooo long ago that her dying doesn't change anything. Her mail lady walked by and asked if I was her daughter and gave her condolences...I said, "Thank you, I will pass that on to my brother" as if it had nothing to do with me. Just bizarre.

I look at my dd, who is my complete mini me (who also just came up here and gave me the sloppiest big kiss ever) and I wonder what went wrong with my mom to feel the way she did. I see this little face, looking at her mommy and loving her with all her heart, the same way I'm sure I did at her age. How do you lose that love, that adoration, both mother and daughter? How many things went wrong to turn that feeling of complete love into hatred and jealousy? I feel like knowing it was there, trying to understand what happened will make it end with me, but it still scares me so.

[Ifluffedthree]

(((Hugs))) Lisa.


My mother did not necessarily walk out, she was carried out after an overdose of two bottles of barbituates (sp). She died, they revived her and she died of complication to the overdose with bi-laterial broncial pneumonia. I was 4 when I watched them carry her out.
It was many many years before I could understand how a mother could leave her children. My mom was ill and in pain and eventually depressed to the point of not wanting to live at 42.
In 2003, I went into an emergency surgery. I was in so much pain as I was bleeding almost to my death. I now understand -- and forgive. This first hand understanding has brought me some peace.

I was in some ways very fortunate as my father taught me many things in the kitchen. ie: cooking, baking, canning, shopping, ironing etc. Not that he had a feminine bone about him but he was a depression child and these were survival skills passed on.
Having also lost 2 sisters and a brother all in the same seven year period as my mom, I also had a father who was emotionally unable to be available to me for several years.

I now have a daughter, who's bio-donor and family were unavailable and eventually legally renounced rights. Insert abandonment issues. My husband raised her from the age of 2 and adopted her as his own and then he tragically died. More issues. I am watching my daughters pain through my eyes some days.
I however, have been able to pull some of my stuff together for her these last 2+ years and get her extensive help to help her understand what she is dealing with and move through it to adulthood. The teen years have not helped, but there is glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel.

[edster]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I feel a bit shy about adding to this thread, since I have not been abandoned by my mother or father. (I clicked because I was interested since my MOTHER was abandoned by her parents, but I can't really share anything useful on her behalf, as her experience there would naturally be extremely personal and I can't possibly understand it).

This was my experience too. And as a child my mother frequently would express her extreme frustration, telling me she didn't know how to love me because she didn't have a mother herself. We often had a difficult relationship, but I always, even as a very young child, knew she loved me very much.

You son knows that you love him.

[tinybutterfly]

My mom left when I was newly 17 and my brother was newly 13. Then she was in and out of our lives ( and house) for about two years. It was...chaotic, to say the least. Then she left for good. She kept in touch, but wasn't "motherly". She was more like an older sister who had run amok.

After I had my sons, she was back in my life in a big way, but it is complicated. I've had to learn to set boundaries. She does not live in my town right now.

Yes, I have issues. I have been in therapy.

A great book is Mothering Without a Map by Kathryn Black.

[guest^]

Yes. One of my Mom's bf's hit on me when I was about 15....I eventually moved out when I was 16....and into the arms of a child molester. She was clueless,and still is to this day. For some reason, after her fifth divorce,this January,she just chose to move to my state-my city. It is wierd. I realize,that none of it has ever been about me. It has been a huge struggle-and I feel like I am just punting trying to guide my DD-and have a good,connected relationship with her-all do to lack of connection with my own Mom.It's all about damage control at this point,really.

Dr. Laura has helped me. _Bad Childhood,Good Life_. I give it 5 stars. I just CANNOT recommend this book enough. Take what you need(get yourself a big ole highlighter!),and leave the rest.

Hugs to all of you.

mp

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by tinybutterfly

My mom left when I was newly 17 and my brother was newly 13. Then she was in and out of our lives ( and house) for about two years. It was...chaotic, to say the least. Then she left for good. She kept in touch, but wasn't "motherly". She was more like an older sister who had run amok.

After I had my sons, she was back in my life in a big way, but it is complicated. I've had to learn to set boundaries. She does not live in my town right now.

Yes, I have issues. I have been in therapy.

A great book is Mothering Without a Map by Kathryn Black.

(((mamalisa and tinybutterfly))) I'm squishing you two together in one great big hug. And TB, I owe you a PM (Um, a nice one for anyone worried!) but it slipped my mind because I suck. :

Thanks for the book rec! That sounds like something that would be very useful for me. I often say to Dh that I am practicing "deficit parenting",

And you know, it's not just parenting. There are so many things I have to teach myself that a mom is supposed to pass down, you know? Like today I was doing laundry and I thought, do whites have to be all white? What about white t-shirts with print? Can they be washed with whites? And I know it sounds stupid, but on stuff like that, I flounder. On stuff like doing my hair, doing makeup, buying clothes. I just don't know what to do and I feel so doplich. She checked out of her mama gig long before she dumped me at my dad's. And when she was there, she was completely undermining my confidence.

[tinybutterfly]

mammapoppins, I will check out that book.

annettemarie, you do not suck...you are a busy person! I know you luv me.

Wow, do I hear you on the things your mom should have taught you, but still tryingto figure it out cuz well, she didn't...cuz she wasn't there or had checked out emotionally.

And I have looked at my kids when they reached the ages we were when she left and all I could think is "HOW could she just LEAVE us???"

I saw my kids at 13 and 17 and realized that my brother and I were still KIDS! We needed our mother...and she was off partying and reliving her carefree, childfree years.

Well, my younger son hasn't hit 17 yet, which by the way, them turning 13 and 17 were triggers for me...my oldest turning 13 was a HUGE trigger. I didn't know what had hit me, and ended up a mess, back in therapy and thank goodness my therapist explained triggers to me. I had no idea where all that ANGER had come from when I thought I had forgiven and moved on. I was FURIOUS at my mom and of course, she ended up moving down here during that time! It was not pretty.

Oh, and sometimes I get frustrated with my kids...this is bad...but even if I am not a great mom, and I am not cuz I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants...I am HERE! I haven't LEFT! Don't they know how important it is that I DIDN'T LEAVE?



You all know me, some of this post will be edited later.

This is a messy, personal topic...it seems there are several of us and really it is something that hits on such an elemental level...how do you explain to someone who hasn't been there what it is like to be left by your mother? To try to BE a mother when your mother ditched out?

[annettemarie]

Sometimes I really wish we could get together in real life and have some tea (or margaritas) and talk about this stuff. I won't quote you in case you choose to edit, but you are really verbalizing my feelings. And maybe this speaks to the physical abuse rather than the abandonment, but it's such a conscious effort not to say (outloud or to myself) "Holy crap kid, I would have gotten beaten for this! Could you please just stop and count yourself lucky all I'm doing is yelling?!?" But of course it doesn't work like that.

And I always, always feel like I am mothering wrong. Heck, I feel like I'm existing wrong. Because if I'm such a horrible person that my own mother didn't love me, there must be something in there that's truly rotten.

Of course, on a good day I know this is all bull. But on a bad day, it's what constantly runs through my head.

[guest^]

Tinybutterfly-you DON'T try to explain to others,that you were abandoned by your Mom. Why? Because unless it is your DH or DP, they really don't *need* to get it-and truthfully, they most likely *won't get it*. Because I 've had to deal with serious invisible chronic health issues, I have this part down pat. I don't begin to explain to people, why a simple trip tp Walmart(gag!) would put me in bed for days afterwards. They won't get it-and it's NOT WORTH MY TIME TO TRY TO MAKE THEM GET IT. (Caps are for emphasising-not yellin'at ya')

Annettemarie-Quote>>>Because if I'm such a horrible person that my own mother didn't love me, there must be something in there that's truly rotten.<<<End quote

Yes, on good days we know this is BS, but deep down inside, it is at the root of our grief,feelings,thoughts and actions. I am getting past this-and actually, having my Mom be here, has helped. Why? Well....out of the mouths of babes, my 14yo nephew said that"Nana acts more like a teenager than a grandma!" So true. She is STUCK in her emotional growth. Narcisistic(sP?) is a good word to describe our Mothers. They are/were not ABLE to mother the way they should/have. It is all about them,not one thing is about us. My sadness now adays, is often more for them-what they have missed out on-with us-and our kids. Don't get me wrong, I get mad as hell for any hurt I see inflicted on my DC due to my Mom-but mainly-I am sad for her. She wallows in self-absorbtion,and is so shallow, it makes one sick. Toxic.

mp

[tinybutterfly]

It was more of a rhetorical question.

I don't usually try to explain...there is an insecurity so deep, that it can't be explained to someone who has not been there.

"Because if I'm such a horrible person that my own mother didn't love me, there must be something in there that's truly rotten."
AM

This.

That at the core of me, I feel unloveable.

I know it is irrational.

Off-topic, mamapoppins, do you have MCS? I do...just wondering if that is why trips out make you sick.