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Upset. EXDH wants to "reunited" DD her molester. - Page 2

post #21 of 46
NFW. You've got my support. Try not to panic, I think you are so clearly in the right that you will prevail.
post #22 of 46
We deal with the same stuff in my DH's family. A nephew violated not 1, but 2 or 3 of his cousins, as well as at least 1 of his sisters. He is still in their home, and everyone gives the victims' parents crap for not wanting him around. I'll tolerate him around my son, but I hold my son the entire time. He will never be alone with my son. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. How awful for you and your daughter.
post #23 of 46

Her father really should be ashamed of himself. His daughter should be his number one priority, not the convenience of his family.
Her feelings and comfort are ALL that matters here.
Thank goodness she has you.
post #24 of 46
OH MY GAH. I am so sorry. The more you post, the more disgusted I am with the whole lot of them. I have zero advice, just support and encouragement to keep on fighting for her and never to stop. I'm so glad she has you to stand up for her right to be safe from seeing him. I'm just so sorry, and I'm so sad that her entire family on the other side is more concerned with convenience than keeping her heart and body safe.

And this...
Quote:
Because he is family and he will never go away. Because this is putting a burden on EXDH's family. Because the family has to chose which kid goes to each family event..ie, funerals, birthday party's, holiday meals and gatherings.
Because DD should find it in her heart to "forgive" to live a healthy life.
literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry.
post #25 of 46
Oh my God. I'm so sorry you and DD have to go through this. :
post #26 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrooklynDoula View Post
Hire a big gun. Find a local evaluating psychologist who does forensic work and court appearances all the time. This person will have reports thst outshine the others and they will testify with greater authority as well. you might also see ifn your lawyer could mandate a sexual offender test for the nephew before going forward.
ITA.

And another thought: Has your lawyer given you any input on how these proceedings would go? B/c I'd imagine that your exDH would have the burden of proving not only that your daughter is ready to be reunited, but, more importantly, that the nephew no longer poses a threat.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.
post #27 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2pinks View Post
I don't post much, but, as someone who was abused by a family member, this is a "HILL TO DIE ON' for me! NO WAY, NO HOW, NO NEVER would I EVER allow my dd to be with her abuser. Your dh is sick and perverted for even pushing such a disgusting idea! I can't believe dh and his people are more interested in playing "happy faaaaamily" than trying to protect your daughter. I am absolutely disgusted and horrified that your dh, and the counselors think that this is a good idea! I would leave the country, go underground, anything!, before I'd ever allow this to happen. You need a "pit bull" attorney and a different counselor ASAP! I'm physically ill reading your post and am so incredibly sorry that you and your dd are going thru this. It's like being abused all over again, except this time it's by her father.
I could have written this post myself and couldn't agree more. Like 2pinks said, this is "a hill to die on." I would not back down under any circumstances. There is no negotiating on this matter. Forgiveness on your daughters part (or your part) DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN REUNION. I have gone round and round and round with my siblings about this - forgiveness does not necessitate inclusion of the perp. Period. Especially for a minor child. IT IS PATENTLY WRONG FOR YOUR EX-HUSBAND TO BE EXPECTING THIS OF YOUR DAUGHTER. (I am yelling at him, not you.)

I finally had to get restraining orders against two known perps in my family to settle this issue. It means that we have to call ahead and find out who is going to be at a family event & we miss out on some family events, but frankly, I don't care. My children's safety outweighs all other familial considerations and I am willing to spend every last dime I can scrape together to make sure this happens.

Your ex's nephew has proven he is unsafe around your daughter. Your ex's head is full of rocks if he doesn't see this. I would go back to court yesterday and get sole custody w/ supervised visitation if my ex ever pulled this crap on me (I know he wouldn't because he feels the same way I do about this issue - it's one of the few things we agree on!!!)

Courage, mama - don't back down on this. You have no idea how important it is to your daughter that you are her champion, that you fight like a bear to protect her from this known danger. I speak from experience on this (having had a mother who did the same for me). When she is old enough to make her own decisions about re-uniting with the perp, then she can. Right now, she needs you to be her champion, her protector. It isn't going to be easy for you, but your temporary discomfort will keep her from a lifetime of sadness.
post #28 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by sostinkinhappy View Post
Courage, mama - don't back down on this. You have no idea how important it is to your daughter that you are her champion, that you fight like a bear to protect her from this known danger. I speak from experience on this (having had a mother who did the same for me). When she is old enough to make her own decisions about re-uniting with the perp, then she can. Right now, she needs you to be her champion, her protector. It isn't going to be easy for you, but your temporary discomfort will keep her from a lifetime of sadness.
Exactly!!
post #29 of 46
i couldn't see this and not post. I am so sorry for your poor DD, and she is only 8 so it didn't happen that long ago. I know how she feels, I was molested and forced my whole childhood to 'reunite' with my molester. SO SCARY AND HORRIBLE! how selfish can your exdh and his stupid family be?! i wish you all the best!
post #30 of 46
I haven't read all the responses. I was abused by a family member with a similar age gap. My abuser was the victim of an adult molester which was what led him to abuse me.

I wasn't "reuinited" - we lived together in the same house all my life until i was 19, but i DID have to figure out how it all happened, what caused it, who he was and where he was with it (suicidally regretful, as it happens) and yes, forgive him.

It was the best possible thing for me to do. My forgiveness has made NO difference to the guilt he feels, but it has released ME to live a normal life and not hold onto this thing. I don't think your DD should be forced to do anything she doesn't want, but i cannot tell you how empowering it is to look into your abusers eyes and say "You did me wrong. What do you have to say?".
post #31 of 46
GoBec, please consider that you did this at age 19, not at age 8. Makes a very big difference.

I smell religion somewhere in here -- all this talk about finding it in her heart to forgive. Are you in a very religious area? If so, is there not some sort of court wariness regarding the Mormon-fundamentalist embarrassment that recently happened? Do keep in mind that if you can appeal a bad decision, the less parochial the court gets the more it'll be aware of scrutiny from child advocates.
post #32 of 46
He was still having sex with me when i was at 8. He stopped when i was 12. I began processing when i was 13 (when sex ed classes revealed to me the extent of the wrongness inside our family home) and faced him about it at 14, then again at 17, when he told me who had been abusing him (i'd had no idea) and i told him i forgave him. I had to live with him and with the possibility of the abuse returning throughout all that time. Please do not belittle my experience, i offered it to help not to disagree for the sake of it. It is hard to get on with one's life when one is carrying this sort of thing around. It is hard to get over it when everyone is saying "oh you NEVER get over something like that!" and acting like you're made of glass. If it happened to my daughter in a similar situation (i.e. if the abuser was themself a child at the time) i would do my best to resolve it for everyone's sake, ESPECIALLY my childs'. If you treat someone like a victim they continue to be one, and if you treat someone like a monster they might just become one.

Anyway, that was the $0.02 of someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation. I shall butt out now.
post #33 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
He was still having sex with me when i was at 8. He stopped when i was 12. I began processing when i was 13 (when sex ed classes revealed to me the extent of the wrongness inside our family home) and faced him about it at 14, then again at 17, when he told me who had been abusing him (i'd had no idea) and i told him i forgave him. I had to live with him and with the possibility of the abuse returning throughout all that time. Please do not belittle my experience, i offered it to help not to disagree for the sake of it. It is hard to get on with one's life when one is carrying this sort of thing around. It is hard to get over it when everyone is saying "oh you NEVER get over something like that!" and acting like you're made of glass. If it happened to my daughter in a similar situation (i.e. if the abuser was themself a child at the time) i would do my best to resolve it for everyone's sake, ESPECIALLY my childs'. If you treat someone like a victim they continue to be one, and if you treat someone like a monster they might just become one.

Anyway, that was the $0.02 of someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation. I shall butt out now.
GoBecGo

I agree with this. I am also a victim. It's really not until you stop "fearing" that person that you can move on. No, I don't think you can say "get over it" ~ but you can live life every day without some phrase, some smell, some touch sending you into a tailspin.

OP ~ I agree that it is VERY likely that your DD's offender (especially since he was so young himself) was a victim as well. That doesn't excuse or justify his behaviour ~ but it may help your DD "understand" what happened. Ultimately, I don't really care what makes the "family" feel better. However, both your DD & the offender need to heal. It may help both of them to "break the cycle".

There's also the fact that your DD may not "frame" what happened properly without understanding it. I know girls who think all 13-yo are offenders, or boys w/brown hair, or glasses, or thin, or some other "characteristic". Do you know whether or not she walks around each day scared of every boy/man she sees who holds some similarity to the offender?

Again, I'm not advocating that she be pushed into something she's not ready for. However, as a survivor ~ I understand what the goal of the therapists is. I'm curious, when she says she's scared to meet him b/c he said he would beat her up (and that's a whole new level of scary!) ~ have you talked with her about how if she wanted to face him it would NEVER be alone and she could have as many people as she wanted there with her. Even police.

Is there some type of middle ground, mediation or "smaller step" that could be taken that everyone might be comfortable with?? Is there any way that EXDH's family could have this boy write a letter. He could apologize. Something to open the communication that is non-threatening to your DD?

I commend you for wanting to protect your DD. I understand the desire to grab her & run. However, sometimes an "outsider" recognizes that we've run so far in the other direction that we've actually passed up places we would otherwise be comfortable standing in.
post #34 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
GoBec, please consider that you did this at age 19, not at age 8. Makes a very big difference.

I smell religion somewhere in here -- all this talk about finding it in her heart to forgive. Are you in a very religious area? If so, is there not some sort of court wariness regarding the Mormon-fundamentalist embarrassment that recently happened? Do keep in mind that if you can appeal a bad decision, the less parochial the court gets the more it'll be aware of scrutiny from child advocates.
I fail to see what the poster's religious beliefs (if any) have to do with this. Also, as you can see, this didn't happen at age 19.
post #35 of 46
I spent time with my molester "supposedly safely" and it was not healthy or empowering. It was not pleasant. It ruined holidays for me that otherwise could have been joyful.

Being molested didn't destroy me, and being physically safe in the presence of my molester DID NOT empower me.

besides, it sounds like the molesters family is minimizing and denying and I'd bet you theres more than one molester in those sorts of settings.
post #36 of 46
WOW- I'm sickend and horrified by all of this! How appaling that they have the audacity to do this. How very proud of YOU I am, that you are standing TRUE to Yourself, and your Daughter! Courage mamma is right.

Isn't there a big NATIONAL association that would be interested in helping a CHILD protect herself from her predator? There has to be an outside agency that is willing to help you... off to do some searching.

I also agree that you should check into changing the custody agreement- esp. if EH is pressuring you to violate 2 current court oders. Until those orders are overturned he is trying to violate them IMHO. Even a tempoary custody change might make enough of a wave to get him to BACK OFF. What a UAV.
post #37 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
I haven't read all the responses. I was abused by a family member with a similar age gap. My abuser was the victim of an adult molester which was what led him to abuse me.

I wasn't "reuinited" - we lived together in the same house all my life until i was 19, but i DID have to figure out how it all happened, what caused it, who he was and where he was with it (suicidally regretful, as it happens) and yes, forgive him.

It was the best possible thing for me to do. My forgiveness has made NO difference to the guilt he feels, but it has released ME to live a normal life and not hold onto this thing. I don't think your DD should be forced to do anything she doesn't want, but i cannot tell you how empowering it is to look into your abusers eyes and say "You did me wrong. What do you have to say?".
Thank you for sharing your story. I truly do appreciate it.

My DD will never have the opportunity to ask him "why?" I can not be there with her now because of the divorce and EXDH's family believes that *I* made this all up. That I forced DD to say it happened to hurt them. (notice everything is about THEM??)
Since the divorce EXDH has gone along with his family in telling people that I made DD do this, even though we were married at the time it happened and came out. He was 100% for DD until months after the divorce. He didn't speak to or have anything to do with his family because they sided with the nephew, even hired his attorney but then he needed money from mommy and daddy and tried to turn this all around on me.

They will never protect my DD from him. They have already told DD that I made her do this.
post #38 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by yarngoddess View Post

Isn't there a big NATIONAL association that would be interested in helping a CHILD protect herself from her predator? There has to be an outside agency that is willing to help you... off to do some searching.

I also agree that you should check into changing the custody agreement- esp. if EH is pressuring you to violate 2 current court oders. Until those orders are overturned he is trying to violate them IMHO. Even a tempoary custody change might make enough of a wave to get him to BACK OFF. What a UAV.
I can't find anything. I've searched and searched. Everything is about abuse between siblings sharing the same home.

I have an appointment next week with my attorney but I can promise you I will not be able to get the CA changed. He hasn't violated them yet. Our court system here is 99% in favor of the father. And it won't make him back off but rather fight harder. He is not for one second scared of court, yet he thrives on it. We have been in and out of court for the last 2 years every chance he gets.
post #39 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2shy2post View Post
GoBecGo have you talked with her about how if she wanted to face him it would NEVER be alone and she could have as many people as she wanted there with her. Even police.

Is there some type of middle ground, mediation or "smaller step" that could be taken that everyone might be comfortable with?? Is there any way that EXDH's family could have this boy write a letter. He could apologize. Something to open the communication that is non-threatening to your DD?
Sorry, I just noticed this.

I can not promise that to my DD because IF they were to be "reunited" I would NOT be there with her at all. She would be in the custody of my EXDH who now believes that I made DD say that she was abused. The nephew is EXDH's brothers child and NONE other them believe it even happened. And IF it did happen, according to them, they are not sure what the big deal is.
They believe IF it did happen that they are BOTH at fault and they he was just "experimenting" even though DD was 5 and he was 13.

I can't go into details here but what he did to my DD is wayyy beyond playing doctor. And even though he admitted to being in the bed naked with her he never would admit everything that happened.... even though HIS best friend gave statements to the police that "the boy" was going around school bragging about what he did to DD....and the "bragging" story was the same exact thing my DD said happened to her.

The issues are a lot bigger than just "reuniting" them. I can not for one second believe that they will protect my DD from him and that if something was to happen again, whether it be sexual, mental or physical abuse that they (the entire family) wouldn't cover it up and hide it to the best of their ability to protect him AGAIN.
post #40 of 46
OP I'm so deeply sorry for everything your dd is going threw. I don't have any words to truly express my disgust.



When I was 10yo all family dinners/holidays suddenly stopped for my family, with the rest of my mothers side. My sister finally had the courage to tell my parents that she was raped at age 17 (she's 12 years older than I am) by my mothers brother.

I was sad, I didn't get it, I wanted to go to grandma's house for Christmas, but nobody wanted to tell me why, so it was just the way it was.

As I got older I would hear little things here and there about what my relatives had said about the event. Many thought that since my sister was 17, that she had seduced my uncle. That it was a consensual event. That my sister should have known better. If she was really raped she would have said something sooner. Nobody turned their back on my uncle, every body turned their back on my sister, then my mom, and then on us all.

I remember once my Mom and her sister having a fight (they didn't know I could over hear) and my Mom said "What would you have done if it was your daughter?". My aunt replied "This would never happen. . .to my daughter". As if this was something my sister asked for.



My point is that when I learned of how my family handled everything, I was proud of my Mom for protecting me. I was glad I missed all those family gatherings with people who didn't wish to protect or believe my sister. I have forgiven my uncle, and so has my sister. We don't want to go to his house for dinner, I will not be at his funeral, but I have forgiven him.

This didn't happen for my sister and myself until the last few years. My sister is now in her mid-forties, and I am 33. I can't fathom how a 8 year old is suppose to process these feelings enough for a reunion. This should be your dd's choice. It's not something to be decided on because of family dynamic, or making things easier for grandparents. Your dd should not be forced into this.



Anything we can do, research, look into. Please ask. Again I'm sorry.
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