Pentaxlady thanks for your response. I understand a little better now.
I would say in your situation, given your daughter cannot choose who she has there to be protected, it is a poor idea to reunite them when she doesn't want it. Perhaps when she is older and you are all less at the mercy of the access visitation orders etc. she will be in a better position to go through this.
I would suggest that there is a paedophile among the nay-sayers in EXDH's family who is keen to call your DD a liar to save their own sorry skin. I hope the cousin isn't still being abused
Did he have therapy? I don't know what he did but i can remember the moment in the playground when i realised anal and oral sex are not "doctors and nurses" and my childhood, and indeed world, sort of slowly collapsed round my ears and i feel for you and your DD, i really do. I know what you mean about the difference between innocent "experimenting" and knowledgeable abuse. And yet i didn't realise until i was told by my abuser that the same had been happening to him - it's dot to dot but who has time in the mess to join up ALL the dots?
Anyway, we are all meant to save the world, but it's reasonable to begin with your OWN kids, so leaving the cousin aside for a moment - what happens when you outright refuse to let this happen? GIven what you said about EXDH's support before and after the divorce, do you feel it might be worthwhile writing to him and saying something like "when all this is over, in 30 years, our arguments and worries and family troubles will be gone and forgotten, but our daughter will ALWAYS remember that her Daddy failed to protect her. I don't care what excuse you make, i don't care if you blame me, i don't care if you say i got a legal ruling, just please, PLEASE don't let her Daddy, the one man she needs to be able to really rely on her whole life, also be the one who put her in fear or danger to please grown adults who could just get over it."? If he believed her at first it's likely he's toeing his family's line because he needs them more than he needs you. It's pretty sickening that he could flip-flop on such an issue (my XP, for all his faults, would have to have been prevented from murder i fear) but it's still possible the truth is inside him.
I really hope you find resolution on this and that your kids come through. The only thing i would say is NEVER tell them they can't get over it. I have gotten over it. I can speak to my abuser, we have carved out a looks-almost-like-normal family relationship. I would NEVER leave him alone with my children (because when we told my mother about HIS abuser she said "i wondered about him" and i will NEVER make my children hear those words from me), but i don't fear him or have flashbacks anymore, my sexual dysfunctions are gone and i have no depression or anxiety. You can heal from this. I think of those trees, tortured into crazy shapes by relentless strong winds when they are saplings. People like me and your DD might grow into less regular shapes as people, but we are strong and we can be every but as beautiful in our strangeness as others can be in their normality.
With love (really)