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Upset. EXDH wants to "reunited" DD her molester. - Page 3

post #41 of 46
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by trinity6232000 View Post

Anything we can do, research, look into. Please ask. Again I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your story. I also have another DD(9) and a DS(5) with my EXDH. I have often wondered how they will feel about this when they are older.

My oldest DD has stated that she understands what happened to her sister and desires no contact with "the boy." She also attended counseling with DD2 for her feelings as to what happened to her sister and to learn ways to cope with it.

My DS however did not because of his age. He is the one that now questions why he can't be around "the boy." He understands that he "hurt" his sister but of course because of his age he doesn't know what happened. He has started to use this against DD when he is mad. He has told her "It's your fault that we can't play with (the boy)." It hurts me so bad when DS does this to DD.
I have explained to DS time and time again that it is NOT DD's fault, that she didn't do anything wrong. But he has grandparents telling him different....so he is torn as what to do/who to believe.

My poor kids are going to need counseling for the rest of their life because of THE BOY.
post #42 of 46
I'm confused as to why your son doesn't know about what happened to his sister due to age since he is the same age as your dd was when it happened. Why can't he go to counseling with your dds.

I'm so sorry for what is happening to you. How can a man take sides against his own daughter in regards to this and still be a man. I would think that the courts would take into account the family including the father denying the abuse and therefore not providing a good environment for reunification.
post #43 of 46
this is the sickest thing i've heard all week.

of course your daughter felt "ready" to meet him again. she's a little girl who was in a safe space being coached to make herself ready. i'm sure the reality of it didn't strike her until it was imminent. small children just can't realistically project that far into the future and those who can really can't realistically project possible emotional outcomes of complex situations. it really sounds like the officials in this case wouldn't understand the phrase "developmentally appropriate communication" if it bit them in the ass.
post #44 of 46
i can't ever remember hearing about children that young molesting other children unless they had been harmed first. since most abusers re family members and the family is in such firm denial about it it does sound to me like he might not be the only one in the bunch. i'm so so sorry this is happening.

i would be cautious about allowing any pattern that sets up the boy as someone your son desperately wants contact with or makes time with him a "hidden prize"
post #45 of 46
Pentaxlady thanks for your response. I understand a little better now.

I would say in your situation, given your daughter cannot choose who she has there to be protected, it is a poor idea to reunite them when she doesn't want it. Perhaps when she is older and you are all less at the mercy of the access visitation orders etc. she will be in a better position to go through this.

I would suggest that there is a paedophile among the nay-sayers in EXDH's family who is keen to call your DD a liar to save their own sorry skin. I hope the cousin isn't still being abused Did he have therapy? I don't know what he did but i can remember the moment in the playground when i realised anal and oral sex are not "doctors and nurses" and my childhood, and indeed world, sort of slowly collapsed round my ears and i feel for you and your DD, i really do. I know what you mean about the difference between innocent "experimenting" and knowledgeable abuse. And yet i didn't realise until i was told by my abuser that the same had been happening to him - it's dot to dot but who has time in the mess to join up ALL the dots?

Anyway, we are all meant to save the world, but it's reasonable to begin with your OWN kids, so leaving the cousin aside for a moment - what happens when you outright refuse to let this happen? GIven what you said about EXDH's support before and after the divorce, do you feel it might be worthwhile writing to him and saying something like "when all this is over, in 30 years, our arguments and worries and family troubles will be gone and forgotten, but our daughter will ALWAYS remember that her Daddy failed to protect her. I don't care what excuse you make, i don't care if you blame me, i don't care if you say i got a legal ruling, just please, PLEASE don't let her Daddy, the one man she needs to be able to really rely on her whole life, also be the one who put her in fear or danger to please grown adults who could just get over it."? If he believed her at first it's likely he's toeing his family's line because he needs them more than he needs you. It's pretty sickening that he could flip-flop on such an issue (my XP, for all his faults, would have to have been prevented from murder i fear) but it's still possible the truth is inside him.

I really hope you find resolution on this and that your kids come through. The only thing i would say is NEVER tell them they can't get over it. I have gotten over it. I can speak to my abuser, we have carved out a looks-almost-like-normal family relationship. I would NEVER leave him alone with my children (because when we told my mother about HIS abuser she said "i wondered about him" and i will NEVER make my children hear those words from me), but i don't fear him or have flashbacks anymore, my sexual dysfunctions are gone and i have no depression or anxiety. You can heal from this. I think of those trees, tortured into crazy shapes by relentless strong winds when they are saplings. People like me and your DD might grow into less regular shapes as people, but we are strong and we can be every but as beautiful in our strangeness as others can be in their normality.

With love (really)

post #46 of 46
Originally Posted by 2shy2post View Post

I agree with this. I am also a victim. It's really not until you stop "fearing" that person that you can move on. No, I don't think you can say "get over it" ~ but you can live life every day without some phrase, some smell, some touch sending you into a tailspin.

OP ~ I agree that it is VERY likely that your DD's offender (especially since he was so young himself) was a victim as well. That doesn't excuse or justify his behaviour ~ but it may help your DD "understand" what happened. Ultimately, I don't really care what makes the "family" feel better. However, both your DD & the offender need to heal. It may help both of them to "break the cycle".

There's also the fact that your DD may not "frame" what happened properly without understanding it. I know girls who think all 13-yo are offenders, or boys w/brown hair, or glasses, or thin, or some other "characteristic". Do you know whether or not she walks around each day scared of every boy/man she sees who holds some similarity to the offender?

Again, I'm not advocating that she be pushed into something she's not ready for. However, as a survivor ~ I understand what the goal of the therapists is. I'm curious, when she says she's scared to meet him b/c he said he would beat her up (and that's a whole new level of scary!) ~ have you talked with her about how if she wanted to face him it would NEVER be alone and she could have as many people as she wanted there with her. Even police.

Is there some type of middle ground, mediation or "smaller step" that could be taken that everyone might be comfortable with?? Is there any way that EXDH's family could have this boy write a letter. He could apologize. Something to open the communication that is non-threatening to your DD?

I commend you for wanting to protect your DD. I understand the desire to grab her & run. However, sometimes an "outsider" recognizes that we've run so far in the other direction that we've actually passed up places we would otherwise be comfortable standing in.
Your points all mostly very good, but there is an enormous difference between a reunion in a therapeutic setting for the well-being of the victim and what is happening here.

OP, I have no words to express how f-ed up this is. I really wish I could tell you that no judge would ever allow that but I was in foster care as a teenager and have seen 12 year old victims dragged back to live with their molesters and children not taken seriously because the molesters was also a child. Hire a good lawyer for your DD. Perhaps you could also file for full custody over something like that.
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