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do custodial parents have to help with the transportation during visitation?

post #1 of 33
6/19/08 at 8:58pm
Thread Starter 
My husband's ex-wife won't help drive the boys at all. We live about 2 hours away from each other and she said it's OUR responsibility to pick up the boys and drive them home if we want to see them. We just can't afford the gas until I get a job and I have been looking.

We only see them 3-4 times a year but we do call to talk to them.

My question is does the custodial parent have to assist with driving during visitations? It's not in the divorce decree but I thought I remembered reading somewhere they have to drive within ten miles of where the divorce occurred. The divorce was filed in Illinois, if that helps. At the time the decree was written up they both lived about 10 minutes from each other and it didn't bother him to drive both ways but she moved an hour away shortly after the divorce was finalized and then because of my husband's job we moved an hour in the opposite direction. Now we need help with the transporting and she refuses and if we have arrangements where she is going to pick the boys up somewhere closer to where we live she calls the day of and says there's an emergency and we have to drive them all the way home. When we get there it really doesn't appear to be any type of emergency, so we're sure she just lied so she didn't have to come get them.

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post #2 of 33
6/19/08 at 9:40pm
Hm...the parenting plan usually will say who provides transportation. I don't think Illinois has a default, although I could be wrong. (I do know that if one parent voluntarily moves far away, transportation will more often fall to that parent.)

I suppose your husband could try to have the agreement amended to reflect transportation, especially in light of the craptastic economy and gas prices, and the two-hour distance, and the fact it seems his ex is not voluntarily sharing things (calling at the last minute to say she can't meet).

My SD's mom and my partner meet halfway. Occasionally, I'll meet SD's mom (if I'm out that way anyway for work, or if my partner has a can't-get-out-of-it conflict).
post #3 of 33
6/19/08 at 11:11pm
DSD's mom never dropped her off or picked her up until DSD (now 15) moved in with us. We had quite a drive, anywhere from 50 mins to 2 hours. I didn't think it was fair (naturally), and the burden of gas and trasportation has been an issue, BUT! we always picked her up, every weekend. No matter how hard things were (and things were hard).

I don't think gas can be an excuse for seeing your child only 3-4 times a year (I apologize in advance if I sound judgemental on this issue). Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to be there for the child, and if sucking it up and driving 4 hours a weekend is what it takes to see the kid, that's what you should do. Gas has a price, the relationship with a child is priceless.

Of course, the custodial parent should be fair, and understanding, and what not. However, being the bigger person who does things even when they are not fair, and unreasonable, and pricey, is a necessity sometimes, when you have a child in a blended family situation.

*hugs* hope you can work things out.
post #4 of 33
6/19/08 at 11:30pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
DSD's mom never dropped her off or picked her up until DSD (now 15) moved in with us. We had quite a drive, anywhere from 50 mins to 2 hours. I didn't think it was fair (naturally), and the burden of gas and trasportation has been an issue, BUT! we always picked her up, every weekend. No matter how hard things were (and things were hard).

I don't think gas can be an excuse for seeing your child only 3-4 times a year (I apologize in advance if I sound judgemental on this issue). Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to be there for the child, and if sucking it up and driving 4 hours a weekend is what it takes to see the kid, that's what you should do. Gas has a price, the relationship with a child is priceless.

Of course, the custodial parent should be fair, and understanding, and what not. However, being the bigger person who does things even when they are not fair, and unreasonable, and pricey, is a necessity sometimes, when you have a child in a blended family situation.

*hugs* hope you can work things out.
No, we feel the same way and whenever possible we do drive out there. My husband works a lot though and it's just too difficult for me to watch all the kids (especially when his two are told by the mother they do not have to listen and respect me).

I watch them for a week at a time whenever their school schedule allows though and it's a tough week for me usually arguing constantly with the child just to get him to do a simple task.

We have always been suffering though and it's lots of times one of those, well do use the money for gas to pick up the boys or do we use it to buy food situations.
post #5 of 33
6/20/08 at 12:59am
In our situation, it isn't written in the custody agreement or anything (no divorce decree as they were never married).

However, we do most of the driving (across town, anywhere from 30-50 minutes depending on traffic etc). SD's mom has 2 younger kids (soon to be 3) and that can be a pain in carting back and forth. However, she has come to pick up SD (like on Xmas eve, etc)

We kind of play it by ear most of the time. However, we pick SD up on friday at school, and drop her off on tuesday at school, most of the time.
post #6 of 33
6/20/08 at 2:22am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by belovedofbast View Post
In our situation, it isn't written in the custody agreement or anything (no divorce decree as they were never married).

However, we do most of the driving (across town, anywhere from 30-50 minutes depending on traffic etc). SD's mom has 2 younger kids (soon to be 3) and that can be a pain in carting back and forth. However, she has come to pick up SD (like on Xmas eve, etc)

We kind of play it by ear most of the time. However, we pick SD up on friday at school, and drop her off on tuesday at school, most of the time.
we all have children in this situation. Ours are actually slightly younger than her two. Seeing as the boyfriend never did come with when she dropped them off the few times there is no reason they can not stay with him and our kids stay with me.

A lawyer said we could take it to court but if she says she's not going to drive than it'd be up to the judge to decide if she should have to help in the driving or not.
post #7 of 33
6/20/08 at 8:46am
I don't know the different laws in different states, but I know several people in a split arrangement... and typically it is decreed that transportation be shared in some way.. often it is highly encouraged to pick a half-way point and each parent drives.
post #8 of 33
6/20/08 at 9:06am
I know this is easier said than done, but I think the solution is to move closer to the kids. Two hours away is too far to be from your children. 3 to 4 times a year is not parenting, it is having a niece or nephew over to visit. And your dh needs to be more involved with his kids lives, or else what's the point? 3 to 4 times is a minuscule amount of parenting.

Especially since ex-wife has taught the kids not to like you, that's even more reason to live closer to them. How can your husband counter-balance what she's doing when he sees them so rarely?

It's not surprising that they don't see you as an authority figure, and that's really not their fault. They have been taught by their mother (to them the wisest of all) that you are something of a villain. It's not like they have a lot of time to find out otherwise. And you're really not their parent anyway, so I can see how they don't take you seriously. Besides, they need to be with their father when they come to visit.

I would rent out your home if you own it (don't sell it) and live closer to the kids, even if it means downsizing. DH has a duty to his children, IMO, that's his job as a parent. I know the ex-wife was the one who moved away, but like another poster said, you have to be the bigger people.
post #9 of 33
6/20/08 at 10:52am
Usually there's something in the decree. If you pushed for it, it sounds like you'd have grounds for sharing transportation, but I'm not sue it would be worth the drama when you only live 2 hours away. We live 2000 miles away and we pay all the transportation (I'm not sure if we could change that but so far we haven't asked) and we see the kids almost monthly. (Yikes, that sounds expensive now that I write it out..) I would try not to get drawn into a power struggle on this one. Yes, she should help. No, she should not undermine your authority, and yes, I get how if she does undermine your authority then it makes it less enjoyable for you to be around the kids. I can see how you might make it less of a priority, given the situation. It's too bad their mom set up her own kids for failure in such a primary relationship. However, I'd just drive over there and try not think about it too much. Hopefully the relationship with the kids will improve if you see them more and your DH fully backs your presence and authority.
post #10 of 33
6/20/08 at 12:10pm
We live in IL, and it is 40 miles each way between houses. I don't know if it is a default in IL, but my DH's attorney said that the courts would likely not make the mom (custodial) share the driving. The view is that she's the CP, so she probably has more general expenses relating to the child, so the NCP can cover the cost of gas.

I have heard of other situations where both parents share the driving by meeting 1/2 way or one does drop off the other does pick up. But both parties would have to agree for this to happen.
post #11 of 33
6/20/08 at 1:02pm
I don't know if it varies state to state but when dh's ex moved 300 miles away we had the attitude of "she wants to see him, come get him." Our lawyer quickly set us straight. She said that barring extreme financial situation/disabiltiy, parents are expected to split transportation. Judges want to see both parents putting in the effort to maintain the child's relationships with both parents, and that not driving is dragging your feet and interfering with the relationship. I hadn't thought of it that way. I have heard of people being ordered to split transportation 50/50 or split according to the percentage of their income like 70/30. So, I don't think there is a particular law that says that parents split transportation, it is the kind of think you could go to mediation about and, at least here, a judge would likely order.
post #12 of 33
6/20/08 at 4:58pm
DH's decree has it written for living within 100 miles of one another and living further than 100 miles. For living within less than that, he is supposed to pick her up. We never had major issues with DSD's to do either the dropping off or picking up when we lived 45mins away. Now, we typically do it all because we live 10mins away.
post #13 of 33
6/20/08 at 5:54pm
if it's not written in the custody agreement it is usually up to the non-custodial parent to provide transportation ..
post #14 of 33
6/20/08 at 6:11pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by azfiresmbm View Post
if it's not written in the custody agreement it is usually up to the non-custodial parent to provide transportation ..
I don't think it's fair, and I wish we would learn as families to be courteous and fair to each other without a piece of paper telling us to be courteous and fair to each other, kwim? It's what little kids learn when they first start playing together "you have to take turns, otherwise it's not right".

My humble opinion...

Once again, I come from the side that did ALL the driving. Believe me, it adds up. At the same time, it had a side to it that non-driving parent will never know - it was GREAT bonding time, the time for serious talks, and silly jokes, and singing out loud. So I guess if you choose to, you can look at it not as a financial loss, but as a chance to rebuild the relationship with the kids.
post #15 of 33
6/20/08 at 8:26pm
If the move is interfering with his ability to visit his kids as often as the visitation agreement allows for then he does have the right to go back to court and either reverse the move or ask that she drive the kids at least half way on each visitation day. Parents aren't suppossed to move the kids so far away that visitation isn't possible and if they do in many places they have to absorb the full cost of transporting the child unless the other parents gave permission.
post #16 of 33
6/20/08 at 9:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmeyrick View Post
I know this is easier said than done, but I think the solution is to move closer to the kids. Two hours away is too far to be from your children. 3 to 4 times a year is not parenting, it is having a niece or nephew over to visit. And your dh needs to be more involved with his kids lives, or else what's the point? 3 to 4 times is a minuscule amount of parenting.
Two hours can be part of the same metro area, depending on where you're talking about. It can also mean the difference between having a job--or commuting two hours each way every day to a job--or not having a job at all.

My partner and his ex are 90 minutes apart. We still have SD weekends during the school year, weekdays during the summer (with flexibility for trips, spring break, etc.). He still makes it to parent-teacher conferences ; I've gone to functions out there, too, and we've managed to get SD to birthday parties. (It'll be more interesting as she gets older and has more sports/socializing/etc., but we'll manage.)

I don't think it's the two hours that's the problem. There's more here.

I would recommend the parties try to get into mediation, at least.
post #17 of 33
6/21/08 at 1:51pm
Our visitation calls for only pick-ups and not drop offs. That means when DS has a visit with his dad, his dad picks him up. When it is time for him to come back with me, I pick him up.
post #18 of 33
6/21/08 at 5:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilian View Post
Our visitation calls for only pick-ups and not drop offs. That means when DS has a visit with his dad, his dad picks him up. When it is time for him to come back with me, I pick him up.
That's how we did it when we lived an hour away, when we lived 10 minutes away, and still do now that we are 3000 miles away.
post #19 of 33
6/21/08 at 7:28pm
In our case, I refuse to go into the county where he had me falsely arrested, was pulled over numerous times for things like "insurance checks" or "saftey checks" and followed by other members of "his" department for no reason.

So my former spouse picks up and drops off.
post #20 of 33
6/21/08 at 8:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmeyrick View Post
Besides, they need to be with their father when they come to visit.
This may be one reason why the mom is giving you a hard time about doing the driving. 4-8 hours is a lot of driving with two kids, and if they're not even going to see their dad while they're there, she may be asking what the point is.

I'm very big on my dd seeing her dad and pushed pretty hard to make it a daily thing -- even when we were separated and he was ill, he was over here for dinner and her bath & bedtime routine every night. But I'd likely pull back some if he took on so much more responsibility for other children and their mother that he had little time to see the kids and couldn't pay for gas to drive here. To me it would say that he really wasn't making the commitment to the children from the first marriage.

I understand that there are times when things are tough, but if in the best of times you're still only seeing the kids 3-4x/yr, a current hard time really can't be looked at as the reason for it.

You can see what the judge says, but it doesn't sound as though you have money to gamble that way. I'd just defer the whole thing till you got a job and it was possible for you guys to do more regular driving.
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