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do custodial parents have to help with the transportation during visitation? - Page 2

post #21 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmeyrick View Post
And you're really not their parent anyway, so I can see how they don't take you seriously.
I missed this on the last pass-through...: I hope that your statement was just one of those things that comes out wrong on the Internet and not reflective of how you really feel. If it is, I hope your kids never have stepparents. Or non-parent caregivers of any sort.
post #22 of 33
My ex originally pushed for 50% of travel costs, whilst at that point he was giving me sod all in child support- 20 GBP a month, sometimes 50, more often none. I was working part-time, ended up having to be a SAHM because I was calling in sick with Isaac's health so often, couldn't do it. Having him remain in our lives was literally costing us money, as the cost of transporting the boys part-way to see my ex was far more than the cost of child support, even every other month.

Whilst I'm sure no husband of an MDC mama would ever do this, it felt like my ex was saying to me "This is my power over you. If you want me to have a relationship with our kids, you are going to have to physically meet me half way and thus meet half the transport costs. I will manipulate the situation because I am more interested in what's right than what's best for my kids." I never got the sense of someone who would do whatever it took to have a strong relationship with his children : make of that what you will.
post #23 of 33
The short answer?

No.

The long answer? Unfortunately also no.

DH and his ex have it written specifically in their parenting plan that the receiving parent is to responsible for providing transportation for the child.

The ex has only ever done so 3 times (over the span of 6 years) - only because she was asked to specifically and even still after about the third time she filed a restraining order against DH citing abuse because of some mosquito bites DSD had incurred while in our care that she claimed looked 'suspicious'. The restraining order put a halt to visitation long enough for the ex to contact DH's lawyer with an offer to drop it so long as DH agreed to meet her at a halfway point whenever she was responsible for providing transport (but never when he was).

So in all reality, depending on who you're dealing with...it may not even matter who is actually or legally responsible.
post #24 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
I missed this on the last pass-through...: I hope that your statement was just one of those things that comes out wrong on the Internet and not reflective of how you really feel. If it is, I hope your kids never have stepparents. Or non-parent caregivers of any sort.
Yeah, that remark snagged me too. I tried to put it down to the fact that the op's stepkids only see her 3-4x/yr (briefly, I'm assuming), in which case she really isn't a parent to them -- she's their dad's wife and their half-sibs' mom. But it was an awfully bald way of putting it.
post #25 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by nikag View Post
The restraining order put a halt to visitation long enough for the ex to contact DH's lawyer with an offer to drop it so long as DH agreed to meet her at a halfway point whenever she was responsible for providing transport.
Oh ew. Wow.

What amazes me is that people can do this sort of thing naturally. It's not like you have to take classes, or anything.

Ew. I'm going to be thinking about that all day.
post #26 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmeyrick View Post
I know this is easier said than done, but I think the solution is to move closer to the kids. Two hours away is too far to be from your children. 3 to 4 times a year is not parenting, it is having a niece or nephew over to visit. And your dh needs to be more involved with his kids lives, or else what's the point? 3 to 4 times is a minuscule amount of parenting.

Especially since ex-wife has taught the kids not to like you, that's even more reason to live closer to them. How can your husband counter-balance what she's doing when he sees them so rarely?

It's not surprising that they don't see you as an authority figure, and that's really not their fault. They have been taught by their mother (to them the wisest of all) that you are something of a villain. It's not like they have a lot of time to find out otherwise. And you're really not their parent anyway, so I can see how they don't take you seriously. Besides, they need to be with their father when they come to visit.

I would rent out your home if you own it (don't sell it) and live closer to the kids, even if it means downsizing. DH has a duty to his children, IMO, that's his job as a parent. I know the ex-wife was the one who moved away, but like another poster said, you have to be the bigger people.
Do you even have stepkids? Or kids, for that matter? Your comments were hardly useful.
post #27 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmeyrick View Post
I know this is easier said than done, but I think the solution is to move closer to the kids. Two hours away is too far to be from your children. 3 to 4 times a year is not parenting, it is having a niece or nephew over to visit. And your dh needs to be more involved with his kids lives, or else what's the point? 3 to 4 times is a minuscule amount of parenting.


My son's father lives about 6 hours away, sees him about 4 - 5 times a year (plus most of summer) and is a GREAT parent. Sometimes distance can't be helped.. its up to both parents to make it work.
post #28 of 33
That leads back onto my point though, doesn't it- which is that if you live at a considerable distance from your children, you need to be aware that your co-parent and possibly also your children are going to doubt your involvement. Equally, if you only live 2 hours away, they're going to wonder why they can count the frequency of your visits on the fingers of one hand.
post #29 of 33
My husband's divorce decree never said anything about transportation because at the time they lived in the same city. My husband moved to a different town and the burden of doing all the driving was getting more than he could afford. So, he filed a request with the court that pick up/drop off be at a location in the middle of both residences. The judge ordered it be in a mutually agreed upon middle location. So they chose a location and it's worked out well.

They even agreed to change to change the time. It had been 3:30 pm friday because that way my husband would pick up his son when school was out and take him back 3 pm on sunday. His son has been homeschooled for over two years now and my husband has never been off work before 6 pm even on fridays and sundays since October 2004. So I was the one doing the driving, which became extremely inconvenient for me. I had to wake up myself and my babes at 5:30 am to drive my husband to work so I could have the vehicle. Then I'd drive out to get his son by leaving at 2:30pm, and then back home, unload everyone for the second time, then back out to my husband's work at 5:30 to pick up my husband from work, EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY AND SUNDAY. Extremely exhausting. And might I add, a 30 mile drive to the pick up, 30 miles back, and 8 miles to and from my husband's work from our home. We couldn't afford the gas (it's $4 a gallon here).

So, long story short, the time was changed to pick up on friday at 8 pm and drop off at 7:30 pm sunday. So my husband gets the same number of hours on the weekend, but this way HE can do the driving himself after work. Not to mention, the past few months he's actually been OFF work on sundays.
post #30 of 33
I know that in some states whichever parents move caused the increased distance is responsible for transportation (and the costs of transportation). XH & I were taking turns with the transportation, but he no longer has a license so I drive them as long as he gives me gas money so I can afford it.
post #31 of 33
Just a thought. As the child of seperated parents (they were never married). My mother and I lived maybe 30 minutes from my father.

When ever it was time to visit NEITHER wanted to do the drive. (I worked all day, I'm tired, I don't have the gas, I don't feel like it, I have other things to do... etc. etc. etc) They never arranged it a head of time. They mostly refuse to talk to each other. So there I was with the phone in one hand negotiating this for them. TWICE each visit! Once to GET to his house and again to get HOME.

IT SUCKED! I felt like CRAP! I felt like neither parent really wanted me.

So, just remember the kids stuck in between all this is all. Or, I'm sure you all have thought of that. So maybe a gentle reminder to the ex is what is needed.
post #32 of 33
Ours is in the agreement. The person she's going home with drives......so he picks her up to take her home with him, then when its time for her to come back I go get her.
post #33 of 33
Well we provide 100% of the transportation costs which at over 800 miles away is significant. (And before the judgemental mob squad starts making accusations, my DH moved across the country twice to be closer and his EX just kept on moving away. At least now she's stayed in the same place now which is much better and more stable for all of her children including our SD.)

Is it unfair. You betcha. But it is the only way we'd ever get to see SD so we just consider it our parental (and step-parental) duty. The ex has made life decisions that make her financially unable to help out and we just accept it. This situation won't last forever but the good relationship we build with SD will.

FWIW, there is a good chance SD will eventually come to live with us in a few years. DH and I pretty much think that if SD is to see her mother during that time we will STILL have to provide transportation if we want SD to have any sort of meaningful relationship with both her parents...which we do.
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