DH wants to go back to conventional eating!

[Junegoddess]

I just feel so... betrayed. I'm not processing this well.

I'm sure I'll calm down in a day or two and be able to think about this rationally and present him with studies or whatever. But... I've been cooking WAPF-ish for 4 years or so now. And never really bothered with low-fat before that. Or low-salt. Or... well... basically I cooked what tasted good and justified it with WAPF teachings.

Throughout this time I've often been pregnant, so I needed the extra butter.
And I've never been really overweight... well, I guess I'm technically obese according to the stupid charts, but I'm still active and capable and feel good in my own skin, so... I disagree with that word.
My husband was always quite fit, due to being in the Army as an infantry soldier, and they ran long and hard every single morning. And then he deployed and got shot... and suddenly packed on a LOT of weight because he wasn't cleared to even walk for exercise. He joked about the extra weight at first, but I can see that it's really bugging him. He just told me tonight that for the last couple of weeks he's been cutting his salt and fat and he feels better. He also has fairly high blood pressure (as do I, all of a sudden) and he's concerned about that.

He feels better. That's the argument I always gave in favor of the fat and salt-to-taste. And I do feel pretty darn good. But... I guess it doesn't work for him. How is that possible?
He was a vegetarian before we got married, and claims to have "never felt better" but just NEEDED a cheeseburger and never looked back.

I know different people have different metabolisms... I'm a hard-core protein-type according to Dr. Mercola's website. He's always been more of a carb-type. But low salt too? I'm just reeling. How am I supposed to cook for him? I enjoy the decadence. I enjoy laughing in the face of the American Heart Association. I feel like all the wind is out of my sails now.

I thought I'd converted him to my way of thinking. And after all this time, he wants to go back? Does he not believe all the stuff I've told him? He's never cared to look into it himself, nor does he now. He feels better. That's enough for him.

I feel like he thinks I'm stupid and wrong.

We didn't talk about it much because I got upset and the kids were going bonkers and... we just don't talk about things very well anyway. I need to calm down first. But I immediately thought I should post here and get some advice.

[Attached Mama]

That sounds really tough!

It sounds like you really understand where he's coming from - and that you are wise to wait to talk to him til you are feeling calm.

On his end, maybe he does need to cut back some things due to the fact that he's not getting all that exercise anymore. I know when I was a ballet dancer, I could eat carbs upon carbs - almost an entire box of pasta for dinner. And I was a stick. Now I hardly eat any.

Is it that he wants to go low-fat artificial food with low salt etc - or is he just wanting to cut back in general? Maybe the EAt Fat to Lose Fat book would be helpful to him.

Would he be willing to listen and discuss if you work on finding a way of eating that will be acceptable to both of you?

[fek&fuzz]

I mean this gently - he's an adult and he is in charge of what goes in his body. If he feels better cutting fat and salt, then let him. You've given him the information about how you want to eat, and he's also using his own brain and internal sensors of what feels good to him to make decisions about what to eat.

It seems like part of what you like the about the WAP eating was feeling like you were "sticking it to the man" or, as you put it, laughing in the face of the AHA. And now you are having doubts because your husband has chosen a different way to eat. That doesn't make you stupid and wrong, and I doubt he thinks you are stupid and wrong. This isn't about you - it's about him and what he is choosing to put in his body.

But, is there some piece of this that is causing you to have doubts? Like maybe you never truly believed it, but just enjoyed the decadence and "justified it with WAPF"? (All I know about you and this situation is what I read, so if this is totally off base, don't take it personally.)

Maybe since you are both adults you can each decide what you want to eat, and, since you love him, you can figure out how to make things that fit into both your diets.

[tanyalynn]

I've seen that my husband wants and needs less fat than me. I have to wonder if the stress of pregnancy and nursing takes such a toll that many women feel better eating more fat. I don't think TF needs to be high-fat, it seems like it's about making good choices among the foods we do eat, and then each figuring out our own balance of fat, protein and carb. Just like some people do well on grains and some do poorly, some do better on higher fat and some on lower. I think TF is about being careful with which fats we eat. That's what seems to be happening in our household, could it be something similar with you?

[Junegoddess]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

This isn't about you - it's about him and what he is choosing to put in his body.

Good point. Yeah. It IS about him. I tend to get all melodramatic at first and then I finally see reason. That's one of the reasons why I don't launch into a big discussion with him when things like this happen... because I really, really need to step away and calm down first. And not feel attacked.
He's a guy. He insists on telling me that guys are simple creatures, that they don't have all the levels of meaning and intent that we women have. It's probably true, at least in his case. He probably had no other thoughts in his head beyond "man, I think I feel better with smaller portions, less salt, and less fat." I need to accept it at face value.

It's going to take a while to get used to. Planning meals will mean making sure there's a way to modify his plate. This all came up because I baked chicken for dinner... and he asked if next time I could take the skin off his. Sacrilege! That sort of thing will be easy to do... but off the top of my head I'm not sure what to do about other meals.

And it's just really stewing in my head right now (hopefully I'll calm down soon) "He wants low fat! ACK!" Which isn't true. He just wants low-ER fat. *sigh*

Still don't know what to make of the salt thing. He's always been the guy that added extra no matter how much I put in. And this is GOOD salt... Celtic sea salt.

But, is there some piece of this that is causing you to have doubts? Like maybe you never truly believed it, but just enjoyed the decadence and "justified it with WAPF"? (All I know about you and this situation is what I read, so if this is totally off base, don't take it personally.)

Nah, I really don't have doubts. I do think it's odd that my blood pressure is creeping up, but I've been learning about the wonders of magnesium lately and how I probably am not getting enough. So, I'll give that a try. I'm in no way questioning the idea that fats are good and the cholesterol scare is mostly junk science.

I think I'm mostly shaken up because... well... I had lucked out. I stumbled upon WAPF ideas and my husband didn't balk. He's not a picky eater at all. He generally loves whatever I cook. And I thought he agreed with my rebel stance on nutrition (he's generally VERY skeptical of alternative views and more or less goes with the flow, whatever it is, vaccinations, food pyramid, whatever).
We spend a fortune on food, which I *do* feel guilt about, especially if he decides he doesn't buy into the idea anymore. I *need* him to agree with me on this stuff. Well, I feel like I need that approval. He has said over and over again that the family budget is my domain (he earns it, but I do all the bill-paying).

I'm blithering now. I think I'll get to bed and hope for a clear head in the morning.

[newcastlemama]

ITA with Tanya...I seem to need a lot more fat than my dh (especially since I have been preg then nursing). He butters his own veggies/potatoes now because he said I always added too much for him. He needs more carbs so I have TF carbs (sprouted bread, soaked grains, potatoes ect) available for him and lots of butter available for me I would just keep the house full of healthy whole foods and let him figure this out for himself.

Jen

[caedmyn]

My DH wants to go back, too, but for different reasons.

I don't think you will really have to adjust your cooking/baking too much. Lower fat would be easy enough to do I would think, you can always give him skim milk or yogurt if he eats those, and use less fat in cooking and baking. Then if you want more fat you can eat full fat dairy and add lots of butter or whatnot to your dinner portion or bread. And I don't think lower salt would be all that difficult, either, just don't salt main dishes heavily and salt your portion to taste at the table.

It seems like different people just need different amounts of various things to feel they're best. I feel best if I eat lots of fat, but DH feels sick if he eats too much. I pour on salt, but my mom doesn't like her food very salty at all.

I wonder if you need more potassium to lower your blood pressure. Sodium and potassium sort of counter-balance each other so if you're eating a lot of sodium you may need more potassium.

[bigknitwit]

I don't think you need to adjust your cooking much either. Our dinners are fairly simple. Meats and veggies mostly, sometimes with rice.

Dh would never agree to being 100% TF because he loves pretty much all forms of SAD foods way too much. I would never even dream of presenting it that way because it wouldn't go well! Also, he hasn't read the literature and I would have a difficult time getting him to read it. he still pretty much subscribes to conventional nutrition ideals. That said pretty much all our dinners and lunches are made from whole foods. Most everyone can agree that people need whole foods and less processed ones. That's pretty much how I present my food choices to him - that we eat whole unprocessed foods as much as possible. He eats whatever he wishes outside of the home, and he's been known many evenings to go out to Dairy Queen after the kids are in bed. And he regularly buys himself some kind of protein shake for his lunches at work. His body, his choice, I suppose. And it's not like I'm perfect about the TF eating either (think Trader Joes organic truffle dark chocolate yesterday!).

[zoebird]

different people function better on different diets.

this is how someone can be a very healthy vegetarian, and someone else can become very sick. it's how WAPF diets are excellent for some people, and not-so-fab for others.

now, do not fear! there is room for compromise. honestly!

i'm vegetarian; my husband is omnivorous. we're "WAPF-lite." our dairy is raw, eggs and such pastured, our breads and such are sprouted. we eat a lot of raw and fresh fruit and vegetables. we eat a few fermented foods.

this is an example of our three meals:

breakfast-- scrambled eggs in butter with salt and pepper; tossed salad with olive oil, raw ble cheese, and salt/pepper; sprouted grain toast with butter (two pieces); juice, tea, and water.

lunch-- DH-- chicken on salad greens with nuts and fruit; me--cooked beans and raw sprouted beans on salad greens with nuts and fruit;

dinner-- burritos made of sprouted tortillas, beans, LTO, salsa (fermented), avocado or quacamole, cheese, sour cream. my husband will add chicken, beef, or whatever to his.

now, we also have snacks, which tend to be fresh fruit or veg, nuts, or cheese, or a combination thereof. and, we also have occassional sweets. we like home made ice cream, for example.

I feel better when i eat "traditional foods" within the food groups with which i feel comfortable. veggies and omnis actually share a lot of foods that they commonly eat, so it's not as if anyone misses out--you just make less meat, you know?

i wouldn't worry about it too much overall.

you don't have to change your diet, and it's ok if he changes his. it will just be a slight adjustment, no problem.