My best friend's kid is mean to mine

[kkeboone]

My best friend's daughter is 6 months older than mine (4 & 3 1/2) and they have been together since mine was born. My friend also has an older son. Problem is, her daughter has been being mean to mine and even hit her today. She is mean to her even when her parents are around and they really don't do anything about it. My husband and I both have said something to her daughter when things have gotten out of hand and they have done nothing. I think they have become a bit immune to it as the daughter and son fight and argue quite a bit. But, it really affects my daughter and she ends up crying multiple times when they are together, yet she still wants to play with her. Also, the daughter tends to lie about these incidents when they happen (ie, she said it was an accident when she hit my daughter on the head). I don't know how to handle this as I don't want to hurt my relationship with my friend but I need to protect my daughter first. Am I overreacting?

Thanks!

[ledzepplon]

You're not overreacting. You need to continue to protect your daughter and trust your instinct. My advice would be to see your friend without the kids--just tell her, "You know, I treasure our friendship, but I don't think our kids really enjoy each others' company too much. How about we get together for a dinner or coffee one of these evenings, just the two of us?"

[KristinKLB]

You might want to hurt your relationship with your friend.

I wish my mom had. I was in the same position as your daughter for 5 years and it really screwed me up emotionally for the rest of my life. I also 'wanted' to play with this girl for many reasons. But I should have been taught that friends don't hit you and that I shouldn't play with mean people. I've told my friends up front that if our kids don't get along, we'll only get together when there's a babysitter around. And if mine is the mean one, he will be taken home and told that he can't play with people he's not going to be nice to. (I'd give him a couple or few chances to work it out, not much more.)

[journeymom]

Agreed with the above. You're not overreacting. Don't worry more about your friend's feelings than your daughter's well being.

But you might give your friends another chance to reel in their daughter. I was like your friend's daughter. I played too rough with my younger cousin and lied about it, too. I was six-ish and she was three-ish. I don't know if my aunt and uncle ever said anything to my parents. But I will never forget my uncle warning me one time that I was being too rough. I'm still embarrassed when I think about it.

I'd want to know if I were the mom. I'm sure there's some clever, humorous way to let your friends know their daughter is being too rough, I'm just not good at that kind of thing.

[velochic]

We were in this same situation and I literally ended the friendship to protect my dd. No friendship is worth your child being abused, even if that abuse comes from a peer. This does not sound like an isolated event, but an ongoing and escalating problem.

In my case, the other child was down-right disturbed. The mother couldn't see it. I told her that because my dd was afraid of her dd, I couldn't continue the friendship if she was not willing to try to deal with the situation.

I haven't regretted it one bit. Not long ago dd thanked me that we don't go see the little girl anymore.

[Jannah6]

I also had to distance myself from a "friend". In her case she thought it was cute and funny when her DS would overpower mine:. I ended up lashing out at her. I think jealousy played a big part for both her and her DS.

[lindberg99]

I was in the same situation, although not a best friend, just a friend. Her son started at like 18 months going up and giving my son these big hugs which my son (who was the same age) didn't like and would start to cry. My friend would say something like "Oh, I can see your DS just isn't into cooperative play yet." Um, well in my mind, cooperative play does not involve hugging someone who does not want to be hugged.

This kid progressed on to hitting, etc. He has calmed down a lot now though, that he's almost 8.

So I'd say back off from the friendship. It isn't necessarily forever, kids change a lot as they get older.

[amcal]

If she's your best friend, you should be able to talk to her about this problem.

I don't think you need to end the friendship unless your friend is unconcerned that her daughter is hurting yours. If she's unwilling to try to help fix the situation, she wasn't much of a friend to begin with.

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by amcal

If she's your best friend, you should be able to talk to her about this problem.

I don't think you need to end the friendship unless your friend is unconcerned that her daughter is hurting yours. If she's unwilling to try to help fix the situation, she wasn't much of a friend to begin with.

Yeah, try this route first. Let your friend know that she needs to deal with her kid's behavior. My first thought is that the girl isn't necessarily *mean* - it's not unusual for a child of her age to kick or hit...but that doesn't mean the behavior is *appropriate*. In preschool I used to kick kids on the playground when I was frustrated, and my mom guided me out of that behavior. You can't expect a child of three or four to stop damaging behavior that they think *works* without some adult intervention. It's possible that the behavior would just *run its course*, but even if it does, by then the long-term damage could be done. Your friend needs to step up and parent.

[forrestguy]

yeah, i've also noticed that kids with siblings are alot rougher then their only child counterparts.

[kkeboone]

Thank you all so much for your help. I do think that I need to address the issue with my friend. And, I'm sure, over time they will probably grow out of it. I'll just be sure to be around when they're together for a while. They actually were together today and did pretty well. I appreciate all of your input so much!