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Friends asking to keep dd's things  

post #1 of 19
6/21/08 at 7:29am
Thread Starter 
Dd has a very good friend from school. They got out of school last week and were missing each other, so the little girl came over for a long play date yesterday.

At least a dozen times while she was here, when she was playing with something, she would ask dd, "Can I have this to keep and take home?" Dd didn't know how to react, so she'd look to me and I'd just say, "No, dd really enjoys playing with that. It's kind of special."

This was a new experience for us and I neither understand the reason a child would constantly ask to be given things nor how to appropriately react to it.

I know for a fact that this child is quite overindulged with material things. We are very minimalist, so dd does not have a glut of toys, but a small collection of quality items. Could it just be a result of overconsumption by the family?
post #2 of 19
6/21/08 at 9:08am
No, this is not some fault on the side of the other family, this is normal child interaction to want to trade things when they come over to different houses. Not all children do it, but many many do.
post #3 of 19
6/21/08 at 9:22am
I agree.
post #4 of 19
6/21/08 at 9:32am
DS' grandparents keep an assortment of toys over at their house for all their grandkids to play with. It is completely acceptable for him to ask to bring a toy home with him if he enjoyed playing with it over there. I often bring toys to their house anyway, so they sort of get rotated back and forth. Maybe your DDs friend's family has a similar practice?
post #5 of 19
6/21/08 at 10:06am
Thread Starter 
This is the first time we've encountered this in dd's short 6.5 years so I was really taken by surprise. The little girl wasn't asking to trade... she wanted dd to GIVE the items to her to keep and never give back. I'm sheltered, I guess. None of her other friends has ever done this and dd knows I would be appalled if she ever did something like that. I truly felt that it went beyond normal, into the "rude" category... as in manners have not been taught/entitlement was felt. I must be over thinking this.

I'll just tell her "no" and leave it at that. She is coming back again this next week for the entire day.
post #6 of 19
6/21/08 at 10:09am
Yes, you are over thinking it. If you like, take the opportunity to discuss things with her and teach her about your minimalist approach with sounding holier than thou.
post #7 of 19
6/21/08 at 10:23am
I can't tell you how many kids have asked to take home my daughter's things. I say no, but they're welcome to come back and play with them again.
post #8 of 19
6/21/08 at 11:40am
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
This is the first time we've encountered this in dd's short 6.5 years so I was really taken by surprise. The little girl wasn't asking to trade... she wanted dd to GIVE the items to her to keep and never give back. I'm sheltered, I guess. None of her other friends has ever done this and dd knows I would be appalled if she ever did something like that. I truly felt that it went beyond normal, into the "rude" category... as in manners have not been taught/entitlement was felt. I must be over thinking this.

I'll just tell her "no" and leave it at that. She is coming back again this next week for the entire day.

I was wondering the age of your dd and her friend and wasn't too surprised to see that they're 6. My dd is 6.5 and she's very into giving people gifts and always wants to give her toys away. She's gotten off the school bus a few times this year with toys her friends have given her. Thus far, none of the "trades" have been for big items (it's mostly for pencils and the kind of stuff you get out of gumball machines) so I've been ok with it.

I can understand your surprise that the girl kept asking for things but, imo, it's normal behavior. So much depends on how she was asking and her tone as to whether or not I would have found it rude.
post #9 of 19
6/21/08 at 12:00pm
This has happened to us several times, I just explain to the child that sometimes it's perceived as rude to ask for other people's treasures, but that it's perfectly acceptable to ask to play with them.

I don't feel it's a fault of the other child's family, it's just something kids do. Eventually they learn that it's kind of rude and stop doing it. Because kids don't typically ask for other people's things while they are at home, the parents don't usually know their kid did it. So hopefully my children learned this lesson by being asked and not by asking.
post #10 of 19
6/21/08 at 12:27pm
Ds has borrowed (and loaned) toys numerous times. It especially makes leaving someplace easier for him. Usually, he isn't as interested in the toy when we get home so I squirrel it away someplace safe so it won't get knocked around and we return it next time we see the person.
post #11 of 19
6/21/08 at 1:24pm
Thread Starter 
These were some big ticket items, not trinkets... like all of my dd's dress-up clothes, including a very special dress that I had made for her, a little exercise trampoline dd likes to jump on, and her *bicycle*. Dd would like at me like a deer in the headlights just waiting to see what I said. She was terrified that I would acquiesce. I'd say, "Ummm....No, those are very special... blah, blah, blah". If she had asked for like a pencil or a baby doll or something, I would have understood a little better, I guess. But she was asking for basically everything they played with/on (except for the swing set ). Like I said, I guess I didn't realize it is normal. I know now!
post #12 of 19
6/21/08 at 1:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
I'd say, "Ummm....No, those are very special... blah, blah, blah".
So maybe next time you shorten it.

"No, Ashley."

And then change the subject.
post #13 of 19
6/21/08 at 4:31pm
I thought that the "No, but you're welcome to come back and play with it/them again sometime" was a fantastic response and one that I'm filing away for future use!
post #14 of 19
6/22/08 at 12:31am
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
These were some big ticket items, not trinkets... like all of my dd's dress-up clothes, including a very special dress that I had made for her, a little exercise trampoline dd likes to jump on, and her *bicycle*.

She's 6, right? She probably doesn't yet put a monetary value on things - just knows they are cool.

I'm embarrassed to say, my son has done this as well. I was shocked the first time I heard him do it. But the more I thought about it, the more it makes sense. He and his cousin constantly "trade" things. And at relatives homes, he is always offered anything he so much as looks at. So why would he expect it to be any different someplace else? We've had a couple of talks about how it's inappropriate to ask for other peoples things, but I think the concept is still kind of hard for him to understand - it's okay with certain people, but not others. I haven't quite figured out how to clarify that one yet.

Also, if it's making your daughter uncomfortable, why not teach her an appropriate response (kind of like someone said) "I want to keep that, but you can play with it here whenever you want." She'll be more comfortable, and you're off the hook
post #15 of 19
6/22/08 at 1:26am
my children have so much stuff and so little room, I leave it up to them. I also pass along things young children adore that mine have outgrown. If it is something your dd is bothered by I'd tell the other girl you don't give away things except on certain days..

I remember one of my dd had a friend that used to steal her toys. I always wonder what shes up to now.
post #16 of 19
6/22/08 at 1:57pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahGuinn View Post
No, this is not some fault on the side of the other family, this is normal child interaction to want to trade things when they come over to different houses. Not all children do it, but many many do.
Yes to the above.
post #17 of 19
6/22/08 at 6:05pm
This has happened to us a time a or two, or three...

For me, it's important that DS just be understanding and courteous to his friend whilst letting them know his feelings on the matter. Usually, he'll say something like, "You can play with it here but I'm not comfortable with you taking it home." OTOH, he's surprised me a time or two by saying, "Sure!" In this case, I might pull DS aside privately and make sure he understands what the other child is asking and from there, he can decide what he wants to do. He has surprised me further when he's told me it's ok for them to keep it. And then when it's not, he allows them to take it home for a time, but return it by so and so a date. I never want to discourage sharing and giving, but also want to make sure DS knows what he's getting into, regrets-wise.

At any rate, this is one of those things that has helped me to adopt a rule of *trying* not to let any child's behavior surprise me. Each household/family is so very different and you just never know what feels normal to another person... If I find myself getting ruffled I try to get outside myself a bit and figure out why I'm having that response. On that, a little OT:



I had the experience last night of feeling quite invaded by DS's friends. We offered each (a bro and sis) a snack when they first arrived as we were serving one to DS. They declined at the time but a half hour or so later walked into our kitchen and started opening up the pantry and refridgerator without asking! I was irritated by this initially, but then realized that they were privy to a conversation I had with their mom about hosting gatherings and such where I said, "When people come over to my house, I tell them to act like they live here." And I truly meant this. When I host, I want people to feel free to find a glass or dish, grab a soda from the fridge, whatever. But I realized that I only really meant this for adults. And then I thought, why only adults? Why wouldn't I extend the same courtesy to kids? I can easily be properly assertive and say 'no' if they grab for something I don't want them to have so... I realized that for me, it wasn't really that big of a deal although I will probably keep an eye out when they are over or remove things from sight I'd rather them not have in case I'm not around to be "properly assertive" and end up losing my mommy nighttime snack!

Just one of those times when changing my thinking helped me keep perspective. It was a trip though. And NOT something DS would probably do... and I know this figured into my initial shock and irritation. Heck, DS still asks if he can have things here in his own house before helping himself. Sometimes I wish he'd help himself more!

Sorry, OT, but my .02 for what it's worth.

The best to you, and I think your response was kind and to the point. Perfect.

Em
post #18 of 19
6/22/08 at 8:09pm
my dd will be 7 in the fall. she has also experienced this. sometimes she actually wants to give stuff away (even if the child didn't ask!). i do let her give things away sometimes & other times i say "no, not today". sometimes we will swap out books with her b/f but not permanently.

our 7 year old neighbor constantly ask to keep things when she is over. my dd likes her & often will agree to give stuff to her.....but i simply intervene and say "nope, not today. but please come back and visit us & you may play with it again then."

i agree it's normal...but i also agree it's weird
post #19 of 19
6/22/08 at 8:12pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post
These were some big ticket items, not trinkets... like all of my dd's dress-up clothes, including a very special dress that I had made for her, a little exercise trampoline dd likes to jump on, and her *bicycle*.
no wonder she wanted to keep it all! those are cool toys!! LOL
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