what is up with my kid?

[nannymom]

I need some percpective and some advice. I feel like a horrible failure at parenting.

I have a 3 yr. old daughter who has been extreme high needs her whole life.

She is smart and has the verbal abilities of a 5 or 6 yr old. She cries and has fits like a one year old with out the vberbal skills. She throws fall down screaming kicking fits. I know all kids do this but she does it multiple times a day.

She is chronically sleep deprived. No matter when I put her to bed she wakes up before she is ready and is miserable. She also wakes freqently during the night. We co-sleep and last night we were up three times for wide awake trying to get out of bed wake ups and then she was up for the day at 6. I am exausted and she is too.

She is violent. She primarily directs this violence at me (although she has been hitting and scratching her cousin,who we live with, more and more.) A good example of this would be in the morning if I do not jump out of bed the minute she says she is ready to get up she begins kicking me and then it moves in to hair pulling, biting and scracthing. She also resorts to these behaviors any time she is faced with a task she doesn't want to perform. I often feel like she has beat me up.


People keep telling me she acts out like this because she just doesn't have the words to express herself but that is not it. She can describe in list form what she is about to do "I'm gonna hit you mommy and then bite myself if you don't give me a cookie". I have tried everything possible to put an end to this.

She has also begun hurtting heself. she bites her fingers and then gets up in my face until I acknowledge it. She also gets mad and makes guttaral grunting sounds while pulling out hunks of her hair. It scares me.


I feel like there is some kind of problem I'm not connecting the dots to. I also feel like I have failed her in every way or she wouldn't have the need to be so out of control.

[alegna]

That does sound over the top.

Have you investigated food allergies/sensitivities? I have seen children act out like that when they are eating something they're sensitive to.

-Angela

[sbgrace]

I honestly believe that when a child is self harming like you describe (pulling out chunks of hair) that there probably is an underlying issue. Which sounds scary I know. My son has at times been a self harmer and generally is aggressive when he's mad or frustrated. I think your daughter sounds intelligent and perhaps she has figured out a way to get what she wants--her threat to do these things certainly sounds like that. What would she do if she didn't get a response out of you when she began this stuff--escalate? Continue hurting herself? To what extent? Do you believe she is in control/doing this while waiting for your response or just melting down and out of control?

[OhMel]

I would look into food allergies. My son was horribly contrary, a horrendous sleeper and acted out all of the time until we resolved most of his allergies/intolerances. I'd suggest looking into the Feingold diet to see if any of it rings true. It's been a lifesaver for us. Good luck!

[tootersmom]

It could be a matter of sleep deprivation, have you had her adenoids checked? What about sleep apnea? Or does someone she sleeps with snore to the point of waking her at night?

My son went through something similar at 3 (though not quite as severe as you describe) but has totally outgrown it by 4. So, maybe it's just an awful stage that will pass soon.

[nannymom]

I looked into food alergies somewhat because for abouta year she battled frequent constipation. Our Dr. ruled out the idea b/c he didn't think she exhibited any of the other severe symptoms. However, I am begining to wonder more and more if this could be the root of our problems.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by nannymom

I looked into food alergies somewhat because for abouta year she battled frequent constipation. Our Dr. ruled out the idea b/c he didn't think she exhibited any of the other severe symptoms. However, I am begining to wonder more and more if this could be the root of our problems.

My daughter has consistently tested negative for food allergies, yet with applied kinesiology, she consistently tests sensitive to dairy & wheat. She has had chronic constipation and acting out at her younger brother when she *knows* I can't see any proof one way or another. Drives me mad enough to pull out my own chunk of hair!!! But taking away the wheat and dairy works. The nice thing about ak is if your tester has a kit like mine, s/he can test individually. dd is *very* wheat sensitive, but on the dairy she can tolerate cheddar, mont. jack, colby, american and cottage cheese. No butter, milk, ice cream, cream, mozzerella etc.

[OhMel]

My son has both allergies and intolerances, the allergies did show with kinesiology but not the intolerances. Eliminating the intolerances (ie following the Feingold diet) has really helped his behavior/attitude in general.

[Beth F]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's really, really tough when your child is a super, duper high need child. First, you doubt yourself as a parent. Then, others around you blame you for your child's behavior. I know this because our 4yo ds's behavior is similar to your dd....not enough sleep but unable to get more (as a baby, I would rock, nurse, sing, and pat for 3 to 4 hours every single night before he could finally fall asleep, lots of meltdowns, excellent verbal skills, not so excellent coping skills. The self and mommy abuse are less extreme for him. He was a colicky baby. Was your dd colicky?

I'm beginning to think that colic is an early sign of food sensitivities based on our ds. He probably had gurd, and our pedi thinks that he has leaky gut because of yeast overgrowth. He had lots of diarrhea until we put him on the Simple Carbohydrate Diet (SCD). It seems like constipation is the opposite of diarrhea but our pedi says that both are because of food sensitivities (our dd has constipation and food sensitivities too.) When we did skin testing (we did a different kind than the conventional allergists use but I forget the name right now) he tested positive to everything but pork and potatoes. We decided to stop testing because we don't think it's the food - it's something about his digestive system that we're still trying to figure out (could be yeast overgrowth?). The conventional pedi GI doctor didn't offer anything useful because his weight and height were fine.

A friend's dd has sleep issues, constipation, and meltdowns too. At one point, this child was filled with rage. The root of her rage was red dye No. 40.

I too have food sensitivities and have found that I sleep better when I avoid the foods that bother me.

Here are a list of books that may help you on your journey with your daughter:

Is this your Child by Doris Rapp

Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Raising your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don't Go Their Way by Elizabeth Crary

I try to remind myself (though sometimes I forget) that our ds isn't doing what he does on purpose. He's having a hard time because his body hurts or is out of balance with poor sleep and food sensitivities. I'm on a journey with him to help him get into balance.

I know that diet modification is tough but if you can eliminate some things, you may see some improvement. Does she crave certain foods? Those may be offenders. Does she eat anything with artificial food coloring/preservatives/flavorings? Does she have more problems when she doesn't get enough protein? Are things harder when she's had sugar/honey/fructose? Could you eliminate dairy for a few days (soy protein is similar to dairy protein. Knowing this now, I wouldn't substitute soy for dairy like I did for myself when ds was an infant)? Could you eliminate wheat or gluten (this is tough but there is more available these days)? If you want support with diet modification, pm me.

HarrietsMom:
According to Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Intestinal Health Through Diet by Elaine Gottschall, cheddar, mont. jack, colby, and dry curd cottage cheese don't have any lactose or complex carbohydrates in them. The complex carbohydrates are converted into simple carbohydrates by the cheesemaking process. Butter, milk, ice cream, cream, mozzerella do have lactose and complex carbohydrates in them.

Beth F

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by Beth F

HarrietsMom:
According to Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Intestinal Health Through Diet by Elaine Gottschall, cheddar, mont. jack, colby, and dry curd cottage cheese don't have any lactose or complex carbohydrates in them. The complex carbohydrates are converted into simple carbohydrates by the cheesemaking process. Butter, milk, ice cream, cream, mozzerella do have lactose and complex carbohydrates in them.

Beth F

Thanks for the info! I will look into that more. I have had yeast issues most of my life and dd has shown some signs of yeast. I have her taking Primal Defense and ds has a non-candida yeast infection in his lymph system that is infecting his ears too. He's on cat's claw and 10-undecanoic acid - never heard of it before, but the chiro gave it to us. My belief is that not only my history of yeast issues contributes, but also when they were 6 mos old and 2 1/2, they were at a daycare that I found out uses too high of bleach concentration in cleaning and they sprayed it when the kids were still there!!! This is when their constipation started and I got them out of there. ds also has a lot of his problems linked to locked sphenoid bones (cranial bones behind the ear). I wonder if that didn't start in utero. I was in so much pain(gallbladder, pancreatitis) most of my pregnancy and he would kick me so hard the furniture would shake! He always does better when he has regular cranio adjustments. The first time he had it, he went from no more than 2 hrs of sleep at a time, total of about 6 in 24 hrs, to S L E E P I N G all night. Didn't do a lot for the constipation which is what I was there for I don't know if my little story helps anyone else.

[nannymom]

Thank you guys so much for all the information. I have to sort through it all and see what applies to us.