Need advice with getting through to stepson
I am new to this site, and not sure if I am going about this posting thing correctly, so, my apologies in advance....
Here's a little back story... My husband and I live in Fl with our 15 mo. old twins, and my husband's son from his first marriage lives in Maine with his mother. (My husband's ex-wife) We only see my stepson (who's 8 yrs old) during the summer months, and every other Christmas. I have been "on the scene" for three years now, in regards to my stepson. But my friendship and presence in my husband's life has spanned over half our lives. We (my husband and I) have similar parenting viewpoints, but agree on most issues - comprising the ones we find ourself disagreeing on. My husband and his ex-wife have very DIFFERENT parenting approaches, and it is resulting in what I believe to be the "deterioration" of their son.
She, (the ex) lives in a 1 bedroom condo, less than 500 sq ft of living space, and uses the couch as her own bedroom. My stepson has the only bedroom in the place, with no room for a table to eat his meals in the kitchen, or comfortable place to unwind, or focus on his homework. Where we live in Fl is no mansion, but we have created a space for him that is his own, with a real bed and storage for his favorite things. He has his own bedroom, and private hideaways for his favorite toys and books - as we HAVE to be creative to outsmart the curious minds and prying hands of the two little ones under foot! All that being said, in the BEST of families, I can imagine that divorce is STILL difficult and every child needs reassurance and help understanding what is going on in their life, due to the changes their parents have made. But, in my stepson's case, it seems neither parent addressed the concerns he (my SS) may have had at the time of their divorce. They finalized their divorce in early 2003, and less than two years later, my husband's ex told him she was taking their son and moving to Maine. Not exactly a day's drive from Fl.... But, my husband said he wouldn't stop her. ( which he knows now was probably the wrong decision, but he honestly thought she would get up there, realize that her son's whole support system and bulk of his family were all in Fl and Ga, and she would eventually turn around and come back home) Well, it's four years later and they are still in Maine.
She (the ex) doesn't communicate with my husband on any issues regarding their son. She does lots of small things that drive me bonkers- I could go on and on - but I'll just list a few.... Due to her lax views on parenting (I suppose she thinks he's going to raise himself!), she hasn't instilled in him BASIC everyday practices that teach a child responsibility and overall confidence in his appearance or capabilities. While living under her roof, my stepson only receives three haircuts a year, goes to school with wrinkled clothes, and doesn't bathe or comb his hair on a daily basis. He is going into the third grade, and only first learned to tie his shoes LAST SUMMER, when I went out and bought him a pair of laced shoes. (he showed up on our doorstep with half a dozen pairs of Crocs and no REAL shoes) This summer when he arrived - yep, four pairs of Crocs, (even the ones with the fleece lining - like he'll need those for summers in Florida!) and one pair of Spiderman velcro latch tennis shoes one size too small. There's a major lack of common sense on his mother's part. Within the first week he was here this summer, my husband took him to get a haircut and I went out and bought him another pair of tied shoes. He told us his mom threw away the shoes we bought him last summer after he returned to Maine. Nice work, Mom.... He lacks overall pride in his appearance and thinks it's crazy that I expect him to bathe everyday that he's here!
I would love for someone to tell me I'm knit-picking, but I have another thing that really drives me crazy. When he arrived here for the summer, he had one humongous piece of luggage, and a backpack that he used as a carry-on for the plane ride. In that big piece of luggage were only about five days worth of clothing, and 26 stuffed animals. Most of them were those tiny Webkinz ones, but there were a few over sized ones that could've clearly stayed in Maine. If it were me, I think I would've let my son pick maybe his two favorite ones, and leave the rest behind. Doesn't his mother think about all the things he'll acquire while being here for three months? We now have no room to send him back with any new clothes that FIT, or any special things he gets on trips with us or mementos he wants to have from his time here. I told my husband a few days ago that maybe we should sit him (SS) down and tell him to pick his favorite one or two, and let him know we'd pack up the rest, and they would be waiting for him in Maine at the end of the summer. My husband thought it was harsh, and that his son might think he did something wrong and was being punished. I told him we could explain to him otherwise, but he wasn't receptive. I also think that it's not teaching my stepson any boundaries, if he's allowed to bring a caravan of toys with him everywhere he goes.
He has this one little animal, that he has named Little Black Bear. LBB has traveled with him on all the jaunts from Maine to Fl. This bear sleeps with him at night, and HAS to be sitting next to him when he watches tv or even plays a board game. As a little girl, I never had a specific security blanket, or doll, or Barbie - but I understand why some children do. Especially one that was ripped of his security when his parents divorced when he was only 4. That being said, I think he has a slightly unhealthy attachment to LBB. Last summer, (at age 7) my husband took him to see a movie, and we spent twenty minutes explaining to him that LBB couldn't go, too. I should've been able to say, "Hey sweetie, let's leave LBB behind", and it should've been OVER. My husband thought I was being mean by asking him to leave it at home, if it was something he loved so much. I thought they were both crazy, because we were talking about a two hour movie! I didn't understand why there were floods of tears over leaving it at home. My husband told me later that night that his son cried the whole way to the theater about not being able to take his bear. If it was me, I wouldn't have rewarded him with the movie at that point. I would've turned the car around and said that, "if he didn't dry it up and stop complaining, that there would be no movie." But, then again, my husband thinks I am sometimes too rough. My rationale is that he was not 3 or 4, he was 7. At some point, if not already, other kids would start to make fun of him for having this little stuffed animal with him all the time. Kids can be cruel, and I would hate for him to experience that. But, something tells me that if his mom is letting him go to school with shaggy, dirty bed-head, and wrinkled clothes - kids are ALREADY making fun of him!
And food. My nemesis at this point. His mother refers to him as a 'picky eater'. I blame his mother for creating a monster. I dread the day my little twins look at me and say they don't want to eat my food. But, boy, am I getting my practice with my stepson! In the short time he's been here this summer, I have watched him spit out my food, pretend to choke on it, and weave a tapestry - scattering it around his plate to have it appear that he's eaten it. I am so fed up. I have talked to him endless to get him to tell me what kinds of food he likes to eat. All I can come up with (from HIS mouth!) is that his mother never cooks, they eat hamburgers from a gas station around the corner almost every night, but manage to squeeze in child-favorites like pizza, french fries and chicken fingers. And, I'd been willing to bet that the SEVEN cavities he had last year came from the marshmallow fluff spread and peanut butter sandwiches his mother packs in his lunch everyday! I have informed him that although that MAY BE the food he's used top eating, he's going to be expected to eat, or at least TRY the food I put down for him. He's found ways to get around eating different fruits and veggies, and plays my husband like a fiddle. With me, there's no bargaining. I don't bribe him with dessert, or soda to get him to eat (much less finish!) the meals I cook for him. At this point, I know it is going to be very hard to "reprogram" the brain of a little boy who thinks the normal food I'm feeding him is horrible. I even played dumb in a recent email to his mother. I tactfully mentioned that his "taste buds were a lot different from last year" and asked her for some tips on his favorite dishes - instead of flat out saying, "stop feeding your kid crap, and show him what real food is!!" My mother-in-law lives just 2 miles away, and sees her grandson a lot during the time he's here. I've enlisted her help on getting him to change his eating habits. She makes his grilled chicken that he loves, with mashed potatoes and green beans. The poor woman makes it every time she visits with my SS! She has agreed to start subbing her green beans for carrots, and her potatoes for salad, or rice. Not that her original meal is bad for him, but just to get him tasting other things. And, to my chagrin, he eats it all - but because his beloved Grandma makes it! She could smear poop on toast, and he would think it was a delicacy!! I am not irritated with mother-in-law - I'm glad he's eating new things. My husband has supported me in my food efforts with his son, but I know he would love to let him leave the table without even trying veggies or salad. That way, a battle is avoided. But, we solve nothing that way. I am not giving up, though. I'm disguising veggie purees in other dishes, and starting with small amounts of new vegetables, to let him get his feet wet. As irritating as it is - I keep reminding myself, I can't be mad at my SS, but his mother is to blame for not feeding him healthier things. My husband enters the discussion, already defeated - saying that we can feed him good food and teach him to take care of himself, and comb his hair and brush his teeth, but if every time he goes back to Maine, his ex will not support or continue any of it - what good are we really doing? I disagree. I feel that as a parent, and a stepparent, it is our responsibility to make him feel good about himself, and take the best possible care of himself - from the food he puts in his body, to the clothes we put on his back.
I am trying hard to be a positive third party for my stepson, because I know we all love him here in Fl, and we are taking better care of him here than she is, in her shack in Maine. I am not very optimistic of the coming years, as he becomes older and hones his personality and overall attitude. I feel like he is going to be a handful as a teenager and I don't want the lax teachings of his mother to infest my household during the small amount of time he spends with us. I have tried to discuss my concerns with his mom, and talk to her as a fellow parent, and two people that both love her son and want what's best for him. But, as expected, she's like talking to a brick wall. I don't know what to do. I struggle with basic things like "yes sir and no ma'am" and down to picky eating and not cleaning up after himself. I am trying to wrap this up, but I do have to ask this. My husband was raised in Georgia, and I, in Florida. His ex is form Ga, put has been in Maine for almost five years now. Being form the South, I was always taught that you spoke to all elders, and anyone in a position of authority with "yes sir, no ma'am" and all that. As was my husband. We both still do it to this day, and plan on teaching that to our twins when they start talking. My SS, however, addresses everyone with, "yeah, nu-uh, okay, ..etc..." It drives me crazy. I correct him, and continue to reiterate the yes, no, ma'am and sir vocabulary. My husband says I shouldn't expect him to speak that way because it was a very "northern thing" not to. I told him he sounded ignorant by saying that, but, in all honesty, I have never lived up North, so I'm not sure if the lingo is more casual there. My only personal knowledge of it is from my dad, who grew up in Indiana in the 50's. According to him, his dad would've beat him upside the head if he actually addressed an elder WITHOUT saying sir or ma'am! So please, any ladies from the northern states, PLEASE enlighten me!! I have to imagine that no matter where in the US kids are brought up, any parent would want to be treated, and talked to, respectfully.
I am fairly new at being a stepmother, and just want to find a way to co-exist. And hopefully, to bridge the lack of continuity and structure he's receiving from his mother with the different value system his father and I have here. I would love input from anyone who's been there. I am determined to resolve this, and committed to not let it tax my marriage. It is already driving a wedge between my husband and I because he wants desperately for his son to just have fun during the small amount of time he does get to spend with us. And I want to teach him that fun, comes responsibility, and if you take care of yourself (by performing basic tasks like brushing your teeth and bathing everyday, and eating good food), you'll feel better about yourself and have more confidence. He lacks self-esteem and cries at the drop of a hat. He doesn't make eye contact and says he doesn't have many friends. I feel his mother is doing him a huge injustice, and I just want to show him that he CAN feel good about himself, and have fun being a kid. But, I have to find a way to do that without letting my personal feelings for my husband's ex-wife show to my stepson. I know I won't gain his trust or respect by downing the one person he is with the most. But, I don't feel my husband and I can successfully make any headway with his son, unless his mother is on board. And I can't exactly pick up the phone and attack the way she raises her son. I feel very stuck. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!!
i wish i had better advice for you. try to just have fun!!! enjoy your visit! 
. While DS can tie laces, he prefers to shove his feet into Crocs (much quicker) unless he is playing soccer then they are a hindrance. I am sure his mother isn't the best mother in the word and certainly isn't up to your standards, but I am absolutely sure she loves him more than anything in the world, which at the end of the day is what counts.
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