junk food and neighbors

[TudoBem]

So I'm in this strange situation with some neighbors of ours. Ds and their dd play together once in a while. Yesterday we went over there and first they ask if they can have an otter pop popsicle. I let them know that we'd prefer not to. Then they go inside and the subject of cookies comes up. They tell us that they just made cookies with reese's peanut butter cups. Their dd (age 3) then goes ballistic demanding a cookie. Again, I don't want my son eating that super processed food. I had told the mom before that we have significant behavioral issues when ds eats processed food so I'm very careful about what I give him. They also know that I'm in a holistic health field.
So the thing is that I don't care what they give their dd. It's their business. And when he's over there (which isn't often nor for very long) I don't want him having processed junk food. But they seem to have an issue with it. I don't say anything (apart from that my son acts crazy from sugar and processed food) but I'm getting this completely judgmental vibe from them.
Part of me thinks I should say something, but the other part of me thinks I should just let it go. I'm not judging them and if they want to judge me that's their problem. I have the right to decide what I want my son to eat.
But it really irks me that they're giving me this judgmental attitude.
Can't people live and let live? Would it be so hard to just offer pretzels or fruit when my son is over?

[marybethorama]

They have issues

Sorry

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by TudoBem

Would it be so hard to just offer pretzels or fruit when my son is over?

Well, it might be. Maybe they don't buy fruit or pretzels because its not what they eat/like. Maybe their child won't eat those because its now what he is used to. Maybe they just don't think about it. At any rate, you have a perfect right to feed your family as you wish. So do they. You have a perfect right to offer normal-for-your-house snacks at your house, even if their child doesn't like it. However, they have the same right. Just as you shouldn't go out and buy processed stuff for their child, they shouldn't have to go out to buy special stuff for your child. You can ask them not to offer anything to your child, but that might be hard if you child is over there at snack time. Best bet would be to send a snack with your child and/or train your child to politely say no thank you to snacks that you don't permit (you say their child is 3 but I didn't catch an age for yours). But in the end, when your child is outside of your influence, you loose total control over what he eats. That may mean that you only have the kids play at your house until your child is old enough to reliably say no thank you to their snacks or old enough that the processed food has a lower impact on his body.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by TudoBem

Can't people live and let live? Would it be so hard to just offer pretzels or fruit when my son is over?

Well, you could turn this around quite easily. Why don't you buy otter pops for when their kid is over? Or stock some candy for her? Why not?

While I understand it's hospitable to have special food for guests...please keep in mind that when you *reject* homemade treats, no matter how politely, of course it's going to feel like a rejection to most people, even if they handle it politely.

You're feeling annoyed, and you were the one rejecting their food in their home! Have you stopped to imagine how that must feel to them?

Perhaps you should just bring your own snacks, instead of expecting these folks who are obviously very different from you food wise to have snacks on hand for your child and then rejecting what they offer while letting your own kid go snackless. That sets up an uncomfortable situation. THey kids can't just have a little snack and then go back to playing--they have to see their kid eating, your kid not...and that can be uncomfortable for most people.

If you want to live and let live, then YOU need to do it too. You know what they're like. Stop expecting them to change and adopt your better ways. Tuck a snack in a backpack for your kid, and YOU put enough in there to share if the kids want to. And release the judgement when their kid asks for something that you wouldn't have at your house. If it's truly live and let live, you won't have any trouble with that.

I'm suspecting they do get a judgemental vibe from you, or that it's been hurtful (even if they don't say so) to have even homemade treats rejected out of hand, and/or uncomfortable at snacktime. If you don't like processed food, how the heck are they supposed to know that pretzels are okay? THOSE are processed crap too, unless you're making homemade ones. Maybe if you sent snacks a few times so they can see what you approve of (vs. the overwhelming "My kid can't have 'processed' food or 'food with certain amounts of sugar/coloring/whatever'") then magically they may start stocking them.

[annethcz]

I agree that if you don't want your kid to eat their food, that's fine. But you shouldn't expect them to offer your kid something else.

We ran into something similar in our old neighborhood. My kids' friends were constantly eating doritos or candy bars and drinking cans of soda. They would often offer to share with my kids. I hated having to say no all of the time, but I did anyway. I certainly didn't expect my neighbor to offer something else. I just made sure that my kids were eating healthy food. I did offer fruits and veggies to the neighbor kids- sometimes they took me up on the offer, but they usually went home to get something else.

[tangent]

oy, I don't believe it! I see one benefit to my child having a food allergy - this issue never comes up. Everyone knows that they can't feed my child, period. I can see this saves us some awkward times like this.

I wouldn't expect them at all to offer fruit & pretzels while your kid is there. Pretzels are pretty processed food anyway, but that's beside the point. I vote for either letting the kid eat what the neighbors eat, or sending another snack with your kid. But first your kid has to be on board with this and eat what you sent in the first place.

good luck!

[TudoBem]

Actually I would prefer that they not offer anything. My ds doesn't need to eat snacks every 30 minutes.
And being that they know where I stand on the food issue, I'm irritated that they felt it was appropriate to keep bringing up all of these food items.
Can't the kids just play? Must there be snacks all the time?
And regarding their dd's snack time, they invited us. We did not stop by uninvited. If she needed to eat popsicles and candy she could have done that before we came. Or they could have told me that she would be having her candy snack and my ds and I could have just left.
If she visits us and I give my ds a healthy snack, their dd can take it or leave it, but it won't cause her to have a tantrum because it goes against her health needs. My ds will want the candy and it will cause an issue.

[TudoBem]

Originally Posted by tangent

oy, I don't believe it! I see one benefit to my child having a food allergy - this issue never comes up. Everyone knows that they can't feed my child, period. I can see this saves us some awkward times like this.



good luck!

hmmm... maybe i should make up some food allergies.
my ds is allergic to refined sugar, hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors, sodium benzoate, mono and di-glycerides, all food preservatives and additives.

[mommajb]

Originally Posted by TudoBem

hmmm... maybe i should make up some food allergies.
my ds is allergic to refined sugar, hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors, sodium benzoate, mono and di-glycerides, all food preservatives and additives.

My elderly neighbor likes to feed my kids the worst food. I have finally let go. My older two usually don't take it because they have come to realize it is not actually good. If they do offer food to your son will he take it? If he will say no thank you people often respect that more than the parent saying so.

[wildmonkeys]

My son actually does have food allergies and it makes for lots of tears. I know posters are just kidding, but pretending a child is allergic to stuff isn't going to let you off with the most important person in one of these "different food" exchanges...your child.

As somebody who falls in the middle on these natural/processed food exchanges, I have been on both sides (like really? who feeds kids that crap???
as well as...we obviously don't offer this everyday, but it is a party and I did offer water as an alternative which my child happily took so layoff if your kid picked juice....) Anyway, we eat okay. Truthfully, we are pretty pretzels and fruit, but if we ever do offer something a little more mainstream we are most likely to do it when friends are over....it sounds like the op's kid is 3. Give yourself 5 more years of having kides reject mandarin oranges, plain yogurt, watered down apple juice, apple slices, string cheese, etc. and you might feel less antagonized by an offer of treats. I am not trying to be difficult, none of us should be, but I am just saying that I have been where you are and a couple of crappy snacks fall way down the list of priorities as the kids get older....if they are nice people who are loving to their child and yours, well. A crappy cookies at their house might be small price to pay for a warm and inviting house to play at...you know?

[TudoBem]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

Give yourself 5 more years of having kides reject mandarin oranges, plain yogurt, watered down apple juice, apple slices, string cheese, etc. and you might feel less antagonized by an offer of treats. I am not trying to be difficult, none of us should be, but I am just saying that I have been where you are and a couple of crappy snacks fall way down the list of priorities as the kids get older....if they are nice people who are loving to their child and yours, well. A crappy cookies at their house might be small price to pay for a warm and inviting house to play at...you know?

well, we're in the middle of a two week preschool experience right now where he is getting more than his daily quota of crap. since last week his behavior has deteriorated, his sleep has suffered, and I'm going crazy trying to deal with him.

so having him at a neighbor's over the week-end would not be a situation where i would want to let it go.

for us, we let a lot go at birthday parties (and usually suffer for a few days afterward). we let things go in group settings like preschool.
but i sure as heck don't want to give my child bad food otherwise.

he is 3 and loves junk food. we try to talk to him about how food makes you feel, but we all know the highs and addictive tendencies with this stuff. he doesn't care most of the time and just wants the taste of it.

i make a lot of really good treats. good popsicles (that he loves), brownies, cookies, stuff like that. he gets treats, just not ones with refined sugar and laden with chemicals.

after thinking about this, my stance on the neighbors house is firm. i can talk to them about modifying our visits around their dd's snack time. but i do have a right to monitor what goes into my child's body and i will do so.
and i will ask them that if their dd does need to eat a candy/popsicle/whatever snack when we're around to just discretely let me know and we will just leave.

one thing i realized is that if she is eating mostly junk food, she will be more hungry more often. so it's possible that she does need to eat every hour or so. so we may have to cut visits short to that time frame. at least until my son is able to say no to junk food (a time I fear may never come.).

now, the negative hostile vibe i got is a separate issue. i guess i'll put that in the "not my problem" category.

[mata]

with an eight year old and a five year old, and being in the minority when it comes to diet, I've learned to either just host the playdate, or be ok with them eating the junk when they go to someone's house.

when my dds were younger, I'd send them with their own snack (and I would come along.) That would look odd now, though.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by TudoBem

hmmm... maybe i should make up some food allergies.
my ds is allergic to refined sugar, hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors, sodium benzoate, mono and di-glycerides, all food preservatives and additives.

I know you meant this tongue-in-cheek, but my dd has food sensitivities to these things... however many parents don't even think to look to a child's diet about "bothersome" issues. Only life-threatening ones.

Headaches, skin problems, ADHD, delays, high-needs symptoms, troubles in the classroom, sleep disorder, etc. have all been linked to children consuming such additives.

Check out Feingold.org to get more information on how these can affect your child.

For my dd, they cause really bad eczema on her legs, headaches, night terrors and sleep walking. But luckily, she will eat just about any all-natural food, and most places will at least have raw fruit, vegetables or cheese slices.

Dd had 3 children in her classroom last year that made learning HELL for all the other kids because of their disruptiveness. I was a room parent and on the lunch committee. Sure enough, these kids ate all highly-processed junk food. Perhaps it was related, perhaps not, but based on the research I've read, I don't think a more natural diet would have hurt them. Unfortunately many adults don't eat that healthy, so they are passing these habits on to their children.

[TudoBem]

Originally Posted by velochic

I know you meant this tongue-in-cheek, but my dd has food sensitivities to these things... however many parents don't even think to look to a child's diet about "bothersome" issues. Only life-threatening ones.

Headaches, skin problems, ADHD, delays, high-needs symptoms, troubles in the classroom, sleep disorder, etc. have all been linked to children consuming such additives.

.

i have thought about this. and the fact that it does affect his behavior does indicate that it is some sort of allergic response.
of course i don't think you should have to necessarily have that reason to reject poor food, but in our case the "allergy" thing is applicable, at least on a behavioral level.

[GoBecGo]

This happens to us all the time...

Friend: DS is having a snack, does your DD want one too? (holding out some crazy thing NO child needs to be eating)
Me: Sure. Actually, i brought her some raisins, she's a bit constipated (which is a lie). (i get out raisins and carrot batons, both kids immediately grab a handful each)

It is THAT simple. If you want your DD to eat good stuff you carry good stuff around with you. If you feel challenged about your choices and that feelings are getting hurt (i'd be pretty gutted to have my homebaking rejected too - most people consider store-bought cookies processed crap and the ones they JUST made with their OWN hands to be "real" food) you shift your focus on something your kid NEEDS to eat, rather than MUSTN'T eat. She needs dried fruit for her constipation/her egg she refused at breakfast/the orange i already peeled and needs eating up.

[TudoBem]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

This happens to us all the time...

Friend: DS is having a snack, does your DD want one too? (holding out some crazy thing NO child needs to be eating)
Me: Sure. Actually, i brought her some raisins, she's a bit constipated (which is a lie). (i get out raisins and carrot batons, both kids immediately grab a handful each)

It is THAT simple. .

you are lucky. it's not that simple for us. ds would dive for the junk food.

i suppose i could bring the snack when we come over and hopefully their dd would eat it.

i can't help it if their feelings are hurt. there is an inadvertent judgment in that i don't want my child to eat what they feed their child. i can see that it's tricky, which is why it would be easier to just not have treats when they're playing.

but i do think that some people think of junk food as a child's right or a need in order to enjoy. "they must have an otter pop when it's hot outside. i grew up on them and it's what childhood is about. when i was a kid we ate whole bags of reese's peanut butter cups while playing video games and what fun we had. my child must have the same experience".
so they equate fun with a specific food which is exactly what the marketing geniuses intended.

fwiw, it was one parent who was an a** to me. the other was cordial and seemed to respect my needs for my child.
if both were hostile to me, we probably wouldn't ever return to their house.

[karliyanchus]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

This happens to us all the time...

Friend: DS is having a snack, does your DD want one too? (holding out some crazy thing NO child needs to be eating)
Me: Sure. Actually, i brought her some raisins, she's a bit constipated (which is a lie). (i get out raisins and carrot batons, both kids immediately grab a handful each)

It is THAT simple. If you want your DD to eat good stuff you carry good stuff around with you. If you feel challenged about your choices and that feelings are getting hurt (i'd be pretty gutted to have my homebaking rejected too - most people consider store-bought cookies processed crap and the ones they JUST made with their OWN hands to be "real" food) you shift your focus on something your kid NEEDS to eat, rather than MUSTN'T eat. She needs dried fruit for her constipation/her egg she refused at breakfast/the orange i already peeled and needs eating up.

that is a really nice tactful way of dealing with it.

i tend to think more about wholesome food than others, but that's sort of like a hobby to me. i like to experiment with food, like to cook etc. (not now in the middle of moving, lots of processed stuff right now, lol)

if someone's coming over for a playdate, i might make something that's a treat, from scratch that has sugar, white flour etc in it, and if they turned it down for not being healthy enough i would be quite hurt. i would feel quite judged. same for "oh please let me know discreetly when you will be giving your kids processed foods so we can just leave before my son sees it", well honestly if i heard that i would be kind of disgusted at the rudeness.

i think the idea of carrying your own carrot sticks, fruit etc is a great one. also if i know we are going to be going somewhere where there's going to be a junk food fest, i tend to try and balance it with a hard core healthy breakfast (homemade whole wheat bread and peanut butter?) and supper (roast chicken, broccoli, sweet potato?) so i don't have to limit the junk when we are out.

again, much of my healthy eating plans are kinda out the window at this time, i am going for convenience more than healthy right now.

[smileymom]

I have some neighbors who feed their kids total crap, and have tried to feed it to mine, and I just said to them early on, "my kids are sensitive to some foods, so I'd prefer if they not eat when they are here." Gradually we have gotten to the point now where if they are inviting the kids over and plan to offer food, they'll usually ask me ahead of time about what they are serving. I usually send my girls over with their own drinks, and let them (my kids) know that if they are hungry, it's time to come home for lunch.

[angela&avery]

Im just very verbal with my "processed food junky" friends!!

Im so sorry, he cant have that bc of the preservatives and artificial colorings/sweeteners, they REALLY affect him!!!

My ds gets kind of hyper and doesn't listen well. He isnt super crazy and every year the effect on him is less and less....

I have always allowed him to have whatever they are having when he is at his friends houses. The parents always know my stance... they will ask does he like ____? And i will say well I dont buy it bc it makes him crazy, so he hasnt had it.... (hint hint)

I cant tell you how many times he has been given lots of things we dont allow.. and im thinking... its your loss, now you have to deal with the craziness while he is there!!! LOL I think some parents just dont get it, think im being over protective or just dont care.....

I figure he eats very healthy at home, so whats a little processed food once in a while? But that is my kid! I dont feel like its worth it to constantly police food during playdates and make life miserable. To me, the behavior isnt bad enough to warrant that.

However, I will say that I have a friend we see often, and we have often rejected fruit snacks, popsicles, etc. bc of the dyes.. I always always bring snacks with me though, and her ds often eats our healthier stuff, which is fine with me. I feel like my friend understands our position... but it would be nice if once in a while she would just not offer that stuff knowing our position and respecting my son's problems. Because we see them so often (a few times a week) I simply cant always let him have that stuff when we are with them. I am finding that recently though, she has stopped offering those foods so much in lieu of pretzels, which for my ds are mostly fine... he has more issues with colorings than anything else.

[phathui5]

Can't the kids just play? Must there be snacks all the time?

Why not come at it this way with them? Say something about how you want your ds to cut down on snacking between meals so he actually eats his lunch/dinner. Most parents will understand that.