4yo won't accept Dad for bedtime/comfort....

[Still_Learning]

DS will be 4 in August. His Dad is feeling left out and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

DS has never accepted his dad for comfort when hurt or for helping him to sleep. I've been responsible for getting DS to sleep every single night since his birth. That's no easy task either. We got through phases when it's not so bad, 20 minutes. But we go through months when it's a 2 hour ordeal.

I would love for DH to be able to do the bedtime thing once in a while. The one or two times when I just was too exhausted or emotionally drained to do it, DH has tried and DS screams and cries as if being tortured. It's really bad. I step out because I can't take anymore, DH steps in and DS falls apart. The longest I've been able to take it was 1/2 hour. DS screamed bloody murder the entire time. It wasn't helpful to me as it was just as stressful to know DS was miserable as it was to just deal with him myself.

DS also rejects DH when he hurts himself. He screams and hits him when DH tries to comfort him. It's so painful to watch. Poor DH tries to comfort him and DS screams that "I don't like you!!!" "I want mama!!! NOT YOU!!"

DH and DS do special things together alone that DS loves. Every night when DH gets home I got for a walk while they have special time together. They have a great realationship as long as nothing's wrong.

DS is like this with everyone, only accepts me in times of need.

Thing is, it's putting stress on my relationship with DH. He feels left out and I resent having to do all the work when we go out of town or are in situations when things are tough.

Any suggestions???

[amcal]

My kids are like this and I never did anything about it and now I pay the price. They don't want to have anything to do with DH. But, in my defense, DH has never been interested in putting the time in. He expects the kids to just want to be around him, to snuggle and cuddle him and to go to him when upset without him every having to do any nurturing. The fact that your DH wants to be involved is wonderful.

How about you start off by sitting there while your DH does the bed time routine. You just sit there quietly while DH helps DS get ready for bed and sit there while DH reads a story. After a few days, maybe decide you need to go potty and slip out while DH is still reading the book (be sure to come back to give kisses good night). Eventually, tell DS that you'll be right there but daddy is going to start the bedtime routine because you have to make a phone call or something and just make the time away longer and longer until a new routine is established with DS where Daddy is the primary caregiver for night time.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

My DD was like this too, and we finally had to "force" the issue because it wasn't fair to anyone -- DH especially, but also me and older DS who never got as much mommy-time attention at bedtime as he wanted.

While I firmly do not believe in CIO, I think there is a huge difference between leaving an infant to cry alone and having a preschool-aged child cry in the company of a parent. Especially a child that is old enough to understand an explanation of why a routine is changing.

We explained how and why the routine was changing and then stuck too it. I will admit it took a couple of weeks of alternating mommy nights and daddy nights before DD would stop crying during daddy nights. Those nights were hard, but after that DD works equally well with either of us (actually goes to sleep easier and faster for DH) and does not complain any more.

In your case, I think I might capitalize on the fact that there is already an evening routine established that gets your DH and child together. What happens if every other night you move your walk to bedtime (so you aren't there -- like introducing a bottle, this is likely to go better if you can't come to the rescue) and letting your DH do bedtime. Child will probably be very upset at first, so your DH has to be willing to be calm and comforting in the face of screaming and crying. He has to be committed to not losing his patience. But if you all hang in there, I think it would work.

[lasciate]

A 4 year old is old enough to be told "From now on, Daddy will be putting you to bed/reading bedtime stories/tucking you in." He's not going to like the change in routine, but if you stick to it for a week or so, he will get used to it and realize that Dad isn't such a bad choice after all.

Constant giving in is just making it worse. Go out of the house if you have to, you know your child is in good hands. Tell your son well in advance that this is going to happen. Don't argue with him about it, present it as fact. And above all - don't give in.

[mommy2abigail]

What would happen if you just were out of the house at bedtime? We went through this as well, and before having dd2, I knew something had to change. I needed to have SOME help with dd1, especially with a new one on the way. So I just 'ran errands' before bedtime. And dd was TOTALLY fine with dh, just as long as I wasn't home. A few nights of doing that and they had their own fun night time routine. Also, I started slowly making bed time with me reeeeaaally boring. And daddy's bed time became really fun!

[Nan'sMom]

Can you just make bedtime at a time it works for your ds? Or work on more activity during the day so he's tired at night? Try to brainstorm ideas to make nighttimes easier on yourself. I'd personally go a more consensual route and not force the dad issue. You coud also try explaining during calm times to ds why you want dh to do bedtime sometimes and work together on strategies.

I know how bedtimes can be. We don't have bedtimes per se around here but we do try to structure things so dh and I get enough sleep. Some days/nights are trickier than others.

BEst of luck!

[Still_Learning]

ok, so maybe we just need to jump into this. i'll talk to ds this week about the plan. we're going to start having me put him to bed one night, dh the next. i'll leave the house (i'll have to for my sanity, plus it may help him knowing i'm not an option)

if ds starts accepting dh for bedtimes, is it likely he'll start accepting him for comfort during the day as well?
dh feels so rejected when ds only wants me for his hurts.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by Still_Learning

if ds starts accepting dh for bedtimes, is it likely he'll start accepting him for comfort during the day as well?
dh feels so rejected when ds only wants me for his hurts.

I would think so... I know that once DH was able to do bedtime with DD that she was more likely to accept him for other things as well. She even lets him style her hair now! At the very least, I would only fight one battle at a time and I would think that bedtime would be of bigger benefit to all than injuries.

[Still_Learning]

Thanks so much everyone. Honestly, I've never st down and thought about this during the day when i wasn't all stressed out from the bedtime thing.

We're going to tell him about it throughout the week and start daddy night nevxt week.

[milehighmonkeys]

We have a designated day of the week that DH puts DD to bed. She's often unreceptive to it on other days. She will also be 4 in August.

[mamazee]

I started taking some classes in the evening at one point around that age (if I remember correctly) and I just wasn't here to put her to sleep. Dh did and they worked out their own routine quickly enough on those nights, and from then on, while she preferred me, she was quite happy with either of us for bedtime and comfort. I didn't take the classes on purpose to force this to happen - dh and I were OK with things how they were. I just really wanted to take the classes and thought dd was old enough to adjust. And she really adjusted very easily.

[mistymama]

My son is still a bit like that .. he wants me to put him to bed. He says no one else can fluff his pillows and make his blanket wrinkle-free like me. :eyeroll:

About a year ago (at 4.5 years old) we started switching off every other night putting ds to bed. So one night I'll read books and do snuggles, and one night dh will do it. Ds STILL prefers me, and on Dad's night will sometimes make comments.

We stick to the routine, and it's really sweet to watch dh and ds snuggling and reading books together. Ds still protests a bit and wants me each night, but we stick to the routine and he's fine with it.

I think it's important for dh to be involved with bedtime, and it's a nice break to be able to read a book, or have some time to myself while dh does the routine.

[Still_Learning]

See, DS will do more than protest. He's very strong willed. He's been known to scream until he makes himself throw up. It's not just that he'll be upset and cry. He'll literally freak out.

It makes me so sad to do that to him when it can be avoided. This is why we've gone this long without DH doing bedtime.

[lasciate]

Originally Posted by Still_Learning

See, DS will do more than protest. He's very strong willed. He's been known to scream until he makes himself throw up. It's not just that he'll be upset and cry. He'll literally freak out.

It makes me so sad to do that to him when it can be avoided. This is why we've gone this long without DH doing bedtime.

Then it's best to make it clear to him before bedtime that you will not be there, and that you instead of Dad is not an option.

[milehighmonkeys]

Originally Posted by lasciate

Then it's best to make it clear to him before bedtime that you will not be there, and that you instead of Dad is not an option.

This is part of why we have a designated day. We talk about it all that day, too. Like what daddy will read and if she'll read something to him, or whether they'll race up the stairs or if she wants a piggy back. She basically has the whole day to come to terms with mommy not being there for bedtime.