Good frugal childhood memories vs. bad ones - how can we ensure our kids have positive frugal... - Page 3

[happyhats]

I grew up with frugal parents, but we had more than what we needed. I think my parents were frugal in the way that they put the money where it was important to them...owning a home where their kids could go to a decent, safe school; making sure bills were paid, having savings, having more than adequate groceries, etc. I didn't grow up with a lot of gadgets, but I did grow up feeling secure and safe. I never even thought of things like being homeless or evicted, having utilites shut off, not having food to eat, not being able to go to the doctor when I was sick.

On the other hand, I feel my father especially was a slave to money and frugality. By that I mean that he feels he HAS to work a job he hates for the income, he feels he HAS to buy a certain kind of grocery or product because it is cheaper. There is no question whether something will bring you more joy, or whether it is "better", just that it is cheaper. I think that has to do with how he was raised however, and that is a big place we differ.

My bills get paid, but I'm not as good at having the savings I should. I'm getting better at this. I think that this problem of mine really doesn't reflect my parents though. It's more that I wanted to see the world other people lived in, so I went to CA and lived with a boyfriend whose friends and families had grown up poor (the evictions, food stamps. utilites, etc.) and had very bad relationships with money (a gameboy and no legos but living in a hotel). Well, I didn't believe in squandering the money, but we also had none to squander so he ENFORCED poverty for so long is what made me more careless when I moved back to my hometown with my new husband and had extra cash I could spend. Now after a year of splurging more than I needed to, I'm realizing that what you do with your money is a choice, and having that choice is a luxury I should appreciate.

What a mouthful. Hopefully this does demonstrate how relationships with money often work though. I don't think that being frugal above anything else is necessarily healthy, nor is not having a real choice whether you can spend money or not. Without middle ground I think you'll end up unhappy either way.

[velochic]

I think that money likely played a huge role in my parent's divorce. My father was a young boy during the last years of the Great Depression - old enough that he saw his mother learning how to stretch every penny they had and it made an impression. My mother is younger and while they were poor, her parents were not good role models. My mother's father was a young man during the Great Depression, but he was born and raised in France, so I don't think he saw the effects of the Depression as starkly.

For that reason, my father taught me some good things about being frugal (stockpiling when on sale, doing price comparisons, saving to buy a single quality item rather than buying junk right now, etc.)

My mother *STILL* cannot manage money. She moved in with us because she got herself in over her head with credit card debt. This was not even for any quality items. She shops almost exclusively at WalMart, including clothing. She simply buys one piece of easily-breakable crap after another without any regards to savings.

So, because I am supporting my mother, I'd say that while my childhood experiences weren't great, I got the best example of how NOT to be. I feel I'm doing a good job of teaching dd about finances.

[kanga1622]

I grew up very middle class. My parents didn't have a high income, but we lived in a very low COL area and they were smart with money when they were first married with kids so they didn't worry by the time they had me. I grew up eating out multiple times a week, getting pretty much whatever I asked for on birthdays and Christmas, and getting gifts for no reason during the rest of the year. We got whatever we wanted for groceries and I had whatever I asked for school like field trip $, hot lunch money every day,etc.

On the flip side, I very distinctly remember my dad saying that you should never put anything on a credit card that you can't pay off at the end of the month. He paid cash for our house, all remodeling, cars, etc. They used cash for most of my elementary school years so I actually saw cash being handed over anytime we bought things. They often gave me the money and had me go to the register to pay for things.

Because of this, I am extremely frugal in some areas but not others. Even as a kid I didn't understand expensive clothes and most of my clothes growing up were second hand or from K-Mart, Shop-ko, etc. I still have a set amount in my head about how much I should pay for clothes and shoes because I remember looking at prices as a kid and deciding how to spend the clothing budget. I do miss eating out a lot though I try really hard to realize that is a luxury that many others don't get.

My favorite memories with my parents are just spending time with them. I loved playing board games with my mom and I remember lots of activities with dad when I was a very young kid. I know a lot of my money ideals are in place because my parents didn't shy away from sharing information with me. Hearing about and seeing how they paid bills, helping mom balance her checkbook, and growing up with no designer clothes really made an impression because it was throughout my childhood; it wasn't just one or two conversations but a consistent effort to include me.

[KariM]

For us it's about values as well as budget. So far, at least, my kids are not feeling deprived. They may not always agree with our values choices, but at least understand them - and I think this is the key - we TALK about them.

We buy secondhand not only because it saves us tons of money, but also because it's an ethical purchase. We do occasionally buy new items that are well made and ethically produced, but they are expensive. We limit those to items that will last a long time - coats, jackets, etc.

We grow much of our own food because it's inexpensive, but it's also healthy, and others then haven't slaved over the production earning lower than subsistence wages. Yes, other people can buy all exclusively organic but we can't afford it.

My kids have grown up knowing that junk food makes your body feel bad. In fact, my son just shared with me yesterday (in a tongue in cheek way) that I've ruined his body. He can't eat junk food any more because when he does he feels sick. He told me that all that healthy food I've made him eat over the years has ruined his body and it can't tolerate frankenfoods.

I've taught my kids to be proud of their values. They also have very strong self-esteem and know how to make independent choices. Peer pressure is not an issue (well at least for the oldest one - the others are too little) and I know my son won't allow others to make him feel inadequate because of silly things like clothing or what he eats.

[Momily]

I grew up in a big beautiful house filled with expensive furniture, went to an expensive private school, wore clothing from the GAP or expensive department stores and was routinely sent to bed hungry because we "couldn't afford" seconds, and then couldn't sleep because my parents felt that 100 degrees wasn't hot enough to justify a fan.

My DS lives in a small apartment, he wears clothes from the second hand store or Target, and goes to public (charter) school. However, I'd never make him endure physical discomfort or hunger to save money -- I might stretch the meal with a heap of brown rice, or some bread and butter, and I might serve eggs, beans or ground beef instead of lamb chops, but there's always enough.

I live in a neighborhood where almost everyone has more money than us (houses are all above a million dollars), and I know there are times when DS looks at what the other kids have and thinks "why not me?" but I also know that he sees me sacrificing for him and not just the other way around.

[2 in August]

Very interesting thread. For most of my childhood we were middle class. There were a couple times when my dad was laid off though and I remember being on free lunches at school. Our family was always frugal though. I loved going to Goodwill when I was a kid. My parents always let me get a book or two (probably clothes too, but I just remember the books, lol). For awhile we had a huge garden and my mom canned and made everything from scratch (including our clothes). I just thought it was something moms did. I don't know if it was because we couldn't afford anything else or not. I'll have to ask. Anyway, we somehow always ended up with what we needed and lots of fun stuff too. My childhood was a really positive one even though my parents were frugal and sometimes not that well off.

As for my kids...we are choosing to be low income. I could go get a job, but then I couldn't be with my kids. So we live just barely above the poverty level (6mo ago we were just below it). But we have a nice house, decent car, everything we really could want. My parents still goodwill shop and their new hobby is finding stuff for my kids. We truthfully have too much. Dd's clothes are all name brands bought for $2-3 at goodwill. Ds' clothes I traded a friend for. (she had a ds then dd, I had a dd then ds so we traded complete wardrobes, I've got tubs of clothes for him for the next couple years). Plus the ils will buy our kids new stuff sometimes too (although the used stuff is so good that nobody really knows it's used anyway).

My dd knows that we don't just go buy stuff. We go to the mall to play and wander around and look in the stores, but unless we find a killer deal on something we need, she knows we are there just to look. She gets birthday and Christmas money and we hold it for her so that when she wants something she can use her money to get it. Today she saw a video that she wanted (only $6, but still) usually we get dvd's for free at the library. But I know they don't have this one and since it was within her budget, I told her that she could choose to spend her $ on it if she wanted to and she did. I think it's a balance, we never play the poor us we can't do it because we're poor card. We talk about how somethings cost a lot and don't really give us much enjoyment for the amount they cost. We talk about using coupons and getting stuff on sale so that we can get what we want without using up all our money. I try to make it a game, how much can we get for the least amount of $.

Like my dad says, "Anybody can pay full price for something. The fun comes in finding a good deal."

[EmsMom]

Thinking about my kids perception of frugality again. My dh just took the kids to Seattle to visit his mother and brother (okay, not a frugal trip due to the airfare!). Anyway, apparently his whole family is quite frugal. We are used to getting presents from thrift stores from them! Anyway, my brother-in-laws daughter is now around 20 and she and my dd enjoy each other. So the niece passed on some clothes SHE had bought at a thrift store and thought my dd would like. Apparently she has not be traumatized by her fairly frugal upbringing. Plus, the whole time they were in Seattle, they basically did frugal activities so spent very little money. I wonder if having an entire extended family of frugal-ites might make a difference? Frankly, I wish that my family would get a clue as to frugalness. I worry about having to support my parents eventually and yet they buy expensive presents for my kids that they cannot afford. And my kids would be happier if they just had a day with Grandma and Grandpa and made cookies and had a tea party!

[Tangled Hill]

Originally Posted by EmsMom

I wonder if having an entire extended family of frugal-ites might make a difference? Frankly, I wish that my family would get a clue as to frugalness. I worry about having to support my parents eventually and yet they buy expensive presents for my kids that they cannot afford. And my kids would be happier if they just had a day with Grandma and Grandpa and made cookies and had a tea party!

Ds has no real family on dh's side, but my side? They wouldn't know frugal if it bit them in the .

I love them like crazy. I really do. But, they buy expensive electronics weekly. They buy hundreds of dollars worth of clothes at a time. They spend gobs of money on entertainment - movies, cds, books, etc. They water their yard daily. They keep their house freezing in the summer. They buy the most expensive foods they can find, it seems. They buy costly shoes and lotions and furniture and....

And then they complain about money. Constantly. They talk as though they're always a moment away from the poor house. It's been this way my whole life. And sometimes, they were a moment away from the poor house.

However, they don't buy ds much of anything, so I don't have to deal with that sort of disparity. But, he sees how they spend (we live 10 minutes apart), and he sees how we spend.

He's ten, so I just asked him what he thought of the differences. He said, "I think they spend a lot more than they need to." Yup, kiddo, they do.

[superstella]

tangled hill your family sounds like mine. My mom works exclusively so that she can buy junk for my sister's kids. It is truly insane the amount of stuff that is crammed into their house.

Growing up, we were poor... I remember my parents filing for bankruptcy when I was in 7th grade and we lost our house. I also remember getting only 2 pairs of jeans for school clothes one year, we couldn't afford any shirts. My dad drove a '74 duster (which he STILL has!) and I was embarrassed to be seen anywhere in it. I didn't have a cent of money for college and in fact my parents didnt' know about financial aid and told me I couldn't go. I learned about it on my own, and paid for it myself. All the way through my MA!

Now, my mom is NUTS with the stuff she buys my nephews, although my kids never get anything from her so this is limited to her house. She swears that it is impossible to "make it" on one income, even though she knows that we do.