Backbone vs. accomodation in 3 yo.

[aschmied]

I'm a bit worried about how my DD interacts with her best friend. The bf calls ALL the shots. If DD disagrees about something, all bf needs to do, is repeat her side. If DD feels strongly, bf can scream or cry, and DD will immediately cave. The other day I was setting up a craft project for the girls. BF wanted dinosaurs. That morning (no bf present) I asked DD what kind of project she wanted, eg, cutting, gluing,painting, etc. She would only say "Whatever BF wants to do!"

Background information. DD is almost 3.5, bf is 4, about 9 months older. Our household is about 90% consensual living. Their household is definitely GD, but definitely not CL. (I think this ties in, but I'm not sure.) DD is a very empathetic child, bf isn't. BF tends to be bossy.

Neither I nor bf's Mom are really happy about it. DD's acceptance of BF's demands, especially when screaming really increases BF's use of that. Also, DD will accept almost anything to avoid conflict that might spell early end of playdate.

I'm not sure how to make their relationship more equal, or even if I should - it's theirs. It bothers me though!

[Surfacing]

I just think it's age appropriate. The younger one might be a little star struck by the slightly older best friend. Or be in the process of learning social skills and developing confidence. :

[angela&avery]

i had a friend like that. I think its not always like that, its just certain friendships, and I dont think its because of cl vs gd... or anything. I think it is just personalities!!! That and maybe lack of experience sharing with others. My family is not cl, but we are gd (or try very hard to be).. and my dd is more like yours. She is less likely to make a stink and will often give in, but I give her words to express her feelings and encourage it and going to preschool helped bc they also encouraged her.... she is coming along and getting better, but there are certain friendships where she is more willing to just go with the flow than others.

It concerns me, but she does speak up when she plays with her brother and gets that practice of asserting herself, so that lessons the concern. I think you should watch and see if she asserts herself at all in other situations and just talk about and role play what she can say and then let her decide when she is ready..

[lindberg99]

My 10 yo has a friend like this. Except the friend seems to just want to do what my DD does. It kind of bugs me. ie, both girls are in Girl Scouts. We were talking about what badge they wanted to work on next. My DD says "I want to work on the Toy Maker badge." Another girl says "I want to work on the Swimming badge." The other girl says "I want to do whatever DD wants to do." Like she couldn't even be bothered to look through the badge book and see what her own interests are. And it's like this for other things, this girl's mom called to see if DD would go to camp with her daughter. And I'm thinking "Sure, if you pay the $$$ for it!" But luckily (at least I think it's lucky) DD did not want to go to camp.

Anyway, I think DD is getting a bit tired of this because she seems to be pulling away from this girl now. I know these girls are much older than yours but I think this is pretty common among kids. Your DD sounds like a natural "peacemaker" and she probably just acquieses to her friend's demands to keep the peace. I agree that it can be irritating but I think it might be one of those things that will work itself out. I would definitely listen to your DD if she starts saying she doesn't want to play with this girl anymore.