GDing the Explosive Child - Page 7

[pitchfork]

umami mommy, is swimming heavy work? Wow! I didn't know...DS loves going to a spa (: I know, it's a rare treat, but there's a family friendly one here in NY that is beautiful) and marching around in the chest high water endlessly, it makes sense that moving through that resistance would help, I never put two and two together. He is much calmer afterward.

We need to find a place that has a pool like that for him that doesn't spray water, (and isn't a spa we can't afford on a regular basis!) why is it that kid's pools have to blast the poor kids with spraying water?!?!? DS won't go anywhere near it, it's like being faced with a firehose....

SleepyMamaBear, sounds rough!

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by SleepyMamaBear

so she is having a really tough time with life. yesterday was one big day long explosion.
bah!

it's so hard for kids like ours sometimes. sometimes my heart just breaks for my DS.... when he struggles mightily with things that are so easy for other children. it's hard sometimes for me to think about trying to meet his needs when he is so demanding and high needs. sometimes i just want to scream SHUT UP!! and lock myself in the bedroom. but then i remind myself he didn't choose to be like this. if it's hard on me, it must be 10 times as hard on him.

sometimes we need a break and need to get away from our kids no matter how much they need us. even if it's for an evening or afternoon. maybe a massage or a walk alone in the park.

i rarely get away from my kids. but it's something i have to do on a regular basis, even if it's just once a month.

i hope things get better for you soon.

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by pitchfork

We need to find a place that has a pool like that for him that doesn't spray water, (and isn't a spa we can't afford on a regular basis!) why is it that kid's pools have to blast the poor kids with spraying water?!?!? DS won't go anywhere near it, it's like being faced with a firehose....

what about a YMCA?... that's where we belong and they give scholarships. the JCC does too.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by pitchfork

Anyone out there have success with teaching/kids learning "separation of affect"?

I think 3 year olds have limited capability for separation of affect. IME, you definitely can work on it with a 3 year old and help them improve separation of affect, but a 3 year old will still be pretty emotional. Developmental ability plays a big role in separation of affect. Make sure your expectations remain realistic.

Anyway, what we've found helpful in terms of helping ours learn separation of affect is to first begin by helping them learn methods of relaxing. Begin in a pretty calm time, because learning isn't going to happen when they're already very emotional. Practice things like deep breathing, do some muscle relaxation exercises, guided imagery. Try lots of things on and notice what helps your child feel relaxed: physical activity, visualization, breathing exercises, yoga, etc. Talk together about how your dc's body is feeling and what emotions your dc is feeling during these activities. Make a list of some "feel-good" activities, maybe some that are quiet-down activities (like breathing) and some that are physical activities (like running or riding a trike) and some sensory activities (one favorite here was a special "indoor sandbox" only used for relaxing/calming down).

Once you've worked on calming/relaxing in this way, move on to trying out some calm-down activities when your dc is a little bit (not a lot) tense/angry/upset/whatever. This is when I like lists, even picture lists, to let the child choose an activity (but too many things to choose from is overwhelming when upset). I might say something like "we'll talk about it when you've calmed down a little. We can't solve this if you're too upset. Let's help you calm down." Do the calming activity together at first, breathing together or drawing together or whatever. Be calm and encouraging, and give positive feedback when your dc attempts the calm-down activity (maybe right at that moment, maybe a little later after they're calm-whatever your child responds to best).

Importantly, I find that modeling separation of affect myself is a very important piece.

We found that in general, taking notice of and talking about emotions regularly really helps. Notice the happy feelings, the unpleasant ones, they physical states of tired/hungry/etc and how those affect our emotions (I feel cranky when I'm really tired). Talk about these things. Talk about how you, the parent, felt when something frustrating happened (not when you were frustrated with your child) and what you did to stay calm and solve the problem.

Be prepared that this process will take plenty of time and plenty of patience on your part. But your child will learn.

[pitchfork]

Thanks Magella, that's very helpful feedback!

[umami_mommy]

how is everyone doing?

i just screamed at DS this morning because he started screaming at me about letting DD share his playdough. we have all been sick with H1N1 and DS has been mean and grumpy and nasty in general to everyone. (even though he was the one who was least sick) we haven't been swimming or playing outside or doing any of the stuff we usually do. i know he's bored and under-active... but this morning i lost it with him because i try so hard to keep thing cool with him and his sister. (and i am sick too)

it's not the way i want to act, but i feel like i have limits he is seriously pushing.

i told if he didn't start treating everyone better he was going to school. i hate threatening him, but sometimes i do wish i could just send him to school and let someone else deal with him.

how do you handle the disrespect/explosions other than modeling and reminding?

[Pam_and_Abigail]

Wow! I sooooo could have written that post! well, except, we have thus far managed to escape h1n1.
First, I want to say that when I think I'd like to send dd (who's 7) to school again, so someone else has o deal with her, I remember what it was like last year when she was in school - calls home, suspensions, having to pick her up when she had exploded, have the principal call CPS on her after seeing dd hit ds (a baby at the time).... and recalling she's quite a bit more manageable now that she's not at school - that much sitting down and doing worksheets and standing in line made her very foul.

That said, I still do a lot more yelling than I'd like. I don't know if this fits into everyone's idea of GD, but we sometimes use a points chart, to help her remember to act appropriately.

I think once a kid is at a point that they are explosive, you almost have to let it run its course, try to minimize damage, and later bring up any consequences. Like, if you threw a toy at someone, I put that item away for a little while. Not necessarily a natural consequence, but at least logical.

Trying to get them all outside is super-important too. We rent a dance studio from time to time, to give them a nice space to run around in, too.

I try to watch my own grumpies as well, because I am very prone to them as well. And I try to be as nice to my kids as possible, even when they're acting rotten.

[umami_mommy]

thanks for posting that pam.

yeah, i had a step daughter in PS 15 years ago and remember what a holy hassle it was. and she wasn't SN. so, yeah i get you. school is so much more work than homeschooling. IMHO.

my DS is also 7 and jebus he is nutbag sometimes. i'm in the middle of trying to calm down DD and find a solution that will work for both of them and he come running in the DR screaming his fool head off. i wanted to knock him into next month. i feel like crap, no one has as much as made me a cup of tea, and here i am with this 7 year old screaming in my face.

really what i need is a break. but i rarely get these. i think i will send everyone to my MILs this weekend so i can chill a bit (i need to get some HS paperwork done too).

i know the whole "boundary thing" is made more complicated by his right-brainedness... but i just wish i could find a way to better convey what the fallout is for his impulsive freaking out on people. i feel like it's really gonna be trouble for him in the future. it already makes me periodically resentful. i feel like a treat this kid so well. being as respectful and polite as i can, looking for peaceful solutions. trying to never force him to do anything, listening to his POV all the time. and here he is treating me like crap. i try not to take it personal, but sometimes i just crumble. life with him is never easy. and i have pretty solid limits with him... OY!

[plantmama]

It's been interesting reading this thread. I wish I had seen it last year! But I so avoid the gd forum because I just don't usually get anything helpful from it. I was thinking about posting a gd thread in special needs because I didn't want to hear a bunch of stuff that simply does.not.work.with.my.kid!!! (I am a little touchy about it)

My oldest ds is almost 6 and in K at a public charter school. I've yet to hear what the OT there thinks from her session with him but every list of symptoms I've read of ODD and many on the SPD list apply to him. The good thing is he LOVES school and works really hard to cooperate there. His inflexibility actually comes in handy because once he is clear on the rules and the way things work at school he doesn't really step out of line of what they expect of him. It's also a really super school. So I get a full school days break from dealing with the issues we deal with at home 5 days a week! HSing mamas I salute you!
We probably slip on the gd way more than anyone here I keep calm and focused with my kids but then it starts to slide and I do a fair bit of yelling and occasionally grab them or slap arms or drag them to time outs. Unfortunetly, I think I have sensory issues too and it makes it really hard for me not to panic sometimes when dss (younger one is 3) are being really rough or mean. I am seriously working on this!
One thing that has really helped our family are homeopathic remedies. They have REALLY helped me. We've had some help from them with ds. He asks for his remedy sometimes. We also do flower remedies. Ds frequently asks for "rescue remedy".
Someone also mentioned chelation. Something that had dramatic physical and behavioral success with ds is thuja. It is indicated for healing from vaccines.

I really want to work on accepting my ds for who he is. But I also want to help him overcome things that are anti social. Having a tantrum when you are 6 is not ok. I'm not saying he can control it. He very obviously has very little self control when he's in an agitated state. Discipline methods only go so far. Like others here, I actually think ds needs some serious healing in his body to help him feel less agitated. That's why I love the homeopathics, they are for body, mind and soul and actually heal as opposed to treat a symptom.
I feel such a tremendous pressure for my child's behavior to conform to what people want it to be. I feel so much pressure to control his behavior. This thread has been very supportive of my desire to use gd exclusively!
Sometimes I feel like a kid, like I don't have the words to use in every situation and so I yell. I get so overstimulated because dss are so intensely loud and combative and so I turn into a little kid and get caught up in the fray!

[jewelsJZ]

I need to be on this thread. I just posted something in the "Yell at this thread instead of your kid" thread about my 5 year old exploding over glue that didn't dry fast enough, which was his 400th explosion about something minor since he got home from school today.
Just ordered the Explosive Child book from the library at the suggestion on the first page of this thread.
Haven't had a chance to read over all the pages of this thread yet but wanted to subscribe.
Sigh. Winter is coming. That's the hardest with this particular child. Being cooped up in the house is hard for him, and thus, hard on all of us.

[Violet2]

Hi! Not sure if DD fully meets the definition of explosive child, but since _I_ feel like exploding when _she_ goes off, I thought I'd say hello.

I am loving the book and website recs--thanks to all the mommas who posted those.

DD is only 2 and it sounds like there's hope that she might go through a developmental spurt and move past this. Even so, I think I better prepare because I'm sure all this will come back around when she's a teen.

[Starflower]

Subbing.

[HelenaHanBasket]

Is this a dead thread?!?

I've finally figured out that out of 5 I have TWO explosive children!! I've started reading the book, The Explosive Child and have implemented Plan B when I have the patience and where with all to do it. I am a fairly new single mama (since last October) and this is just burning me out.

I need to know there are others I can talk to. Anyone still here? I'm subbing just in case.

[Starflower]

I think this one looks pretty dormant. You might want to start a thread in "Special Needs Parenting" forum. I have seen several there which were relevant to my situation (childhood anxiety/depression). You are not alone. Hang in there.

[madskye]

I didn't even know this thread existed, but I love the book, it really changed our lives.  Here's my thread about what I was dealing with and how the book helped us:

http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1262293/once-my-5-year-old-loses-it-i-can-t-get-things-back-under-control

[Mittsy]

Anyone have a explosive child, but find this book didn't help too much? The only things that work here are time-in, but those seem to make them madder before they get calmer, and NVC....

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Mittsy 

Anyone have a explosive child, but find this book didn't help too much? The only things that work here are time-in, but those seem to make them madder before they get calmer, and NVC....

Yes. I have an 8 yr old who has spd, and is extremely volatile. This book did not help with her, but it did help with my younger DS (then again, he almost always responds to all GD methods.

[umami_mommy]

i found the follow up book for professionals very helpful: "treating explosive kids." the point is i think, if you want something different from these kids you have to give them something different.

i also found "playful parenting" really helpful. my husband found a book...... something about "strong willed kids" very helpful (except for the god stuff).

[Starflower]

I found "Playful Parenting" to be a very helpful book. I learned a lot of playful ways to engage with DD so we were able to try to start doing the Plan B stuff in the "Explosive Child" book.

[umami_mommy]

this is the book my DH liked http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Make-Persuaded-Strong-Willed/dp/1578561930/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1304975392&sr=8-6 i found it pretty fundamental. but for him the concrete suggestions were a good thing. 

i found this at the doctor's office today: http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Child-Who-Intense-Emotions/dp/1572246499/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1304975500&sr=1-1

i recommended "explosive child" to her a few years back and she found this one on her own. i was excited by what i read in the first few pages. will update when i am done.