GDing the Explosive Child - Page 3

[honeysesame]

hmmm, yes! they do reflect back our emotional state so frequently! oh, the challenges of being human....

sledg, thanks so much for taking the time to share all of that! super helpful and i will check out the website too. seems like there's a lot in common with nonviolent communication, too...?

we had more breakfast issues again today so i think i'll try to tackle that one. although really today was more about dh getting frustrated (with ds' particularity about breakfast-- using too much butter ) and ds responding-- he hates it when dh gets a certain tone with him. but we actually had an interesting conversation about it. dh basically said he wasn't willing to change his tone b/c it's the best he feels he can do in those moments. and then after a few minutes (when things were a little calmer) i said something to ds about when you can't change someone's behavior, that you can try to understand their feelings and your own feelings and sometimes shift your response, which sometimes brings more peace to the situation too.... big ideas but actually ds seemed to kind of get it. i really do need to work with him more proactively though. ramble....

[HipGal]

I've been reading and following the Explosive Child book and it seemed to be helping for awhile with my 4 1/2 year old ds. Does anyone else have problems with their child following through with whatever you decided together? For example, tonight he wanted more books before going to sleep and I expressed my concern that it was late and he needed rest for an exciting day tomorrow. We agreed on two short books. He was fine during the books but when it was then time to go to sleep (I was lying down with him), he started asking for "just one more!". This turned into a huge half-hour long tantrum involving him screaming, throwing things, hitting, etc. etc.

I feel like doing Plan B is making him think that EVERYTHING in now negotiable and that when our compromise is done, we can start all over and he can get more of whatever it is that he wants.

[FluffiB]

That sounds like us! It really depends on his mood - sometimes he's fine w/ 3 books, sometimes not. What's been helping is that we moved his bookcase downstairs, and I have him pick out 2-3 books that he wants to read in bed. I just have to remember to bring them back downstairs. LOL.

If he insists on more, I tell him I get to pick one out or read the same one (shortest) and make it quick.

I learned that it's not really negotiating - it's problem-solving. We're supposed to teach them to solve their own problems. So we're supposed to connect with the child first: "I understand you want to read another book." Then something like "But I don't want you to because it will delay bedtime, and bedtime is important. How can we work it out?" I know bedtime is really not the best time to do that - once they're past their tired stage, they'll get wound up and not want to go to sleep. We're still working on bedtime.

[InochiZo]

Originally Posted by FluffiB

That sounds like us! It really depends on his mood - sometimes he's fine w/ 3 books, sometimes not. What's been helping is that we moved his bookcase downstairs, and I have him pick out 2-3 books that he wants to read in bed. I just have to remember to bring them back downstairs. LOL.

If he insists on more, I tell him I get to pick one out or read the same one (shortest) and make it quick.

I learned that it's not really negotiating - it's problem-solving. We're supposed to teach them to solve their own problems. So we're supposed to connect with the child first: "I understand you want to read another book." Then something like "But I don't want you to because it will delay bedtime, and bedtime is important. How can we work it out?" I know bedtime is really not the best time to do that - once they're past their tired stage, they'll get wound up and not want to go to sleep. We're still working on bedtime.

Ugg, BEDTIME. It was fine for a while and now it's bad again. Anyway... Yeah, I have found that DS often will not follow through with his agreement. However, since his main issue is transitions after several renogotiations he will finally comply with the agreement. I often just plan a lot of time to get things done. For example, last night he wanted to play his computer game. He said when the time was up "I need more time." We did extend the time about 3x. Even though I had to unplug the computer, he was pretty ok with it. He still had a meltdown later but not about that.

[umami_mommy]

the computer and TV go off here at 6 PM. after dinner is reserved for fine motor resistive activities.... like legos, sculpey/playdough, coloring, scissors, violin, puzzles, etc or gross motor resistive... pushing and pulling activities.... bike riding is one, weights, etc... or heavy work, helping dad move heavy stuff around. (books, rocks, bricks, etc)

resistive activities help sooth the CNS and make kids (and adults) more open to bed time.

[FluffiB]

I am at a loss with this... DS hasn't done it in a while so I thought he outgrew this stage, but I thought wrong...

He used to be very mean and aggressive to babies, especially toddlers. Today at a park, I saw him knock my friend's 18mo down flat on her butt. My friend actually saw what happened before that - he extended his arm out and pushed her, and she didn't fall over. So he turned around and rammed right into her (this is the part I saw).

I pulled him aside, got down to his level, and asked why he did that, and of course he said I don't know. I'm sure it was the impulsiveness, but why at babies? I told him if he did that again that we were going to go home immediately. I used a very sterm voice. He didn't do it again.

So that's not really collaborative problem solving. But how in the he** do you problem solve or use GD when it's an impulse issue? Later today I asked him why he did that, and he said because she was in his way. Sometimes I wish I could crawl into a hole and never come out...

ETA: I forgot that he was caught kicking our cat twice today too. Arrggg!

[InochiZo]

Originally Posted by FluffiB

I am at a loss with this... DS hasn't done it in a while so I thought he outgrew this stage, but I thought wrong...

He used to be very mean and aggressive to babies, especially toddlers. Today at a park, I saw him knock my friend's 18mo down flat on her butt. My friend actually saw what happened before that - he extended his arm out and pushed her, and she didn't fall over. So he turned around and rammed right into her (this is the part I saw).

I pulled him aside, got down to his level, and asked why he did that, and of course he said I don't know. I'm sure it was the impulsiveness, but why at babies? I told him if he did that again that we were going to go home immediately. I used a very sterm voice. He didn't do it again.

So that's not really collaborative problem solving. But how in the he** do you problem solve or use GD when it's an impulse issue? Later today I asked him why he did that, and he said because she was in his way. Sometimes I wish I could crawl into a hole and never come out...

ETA: I forgot that he was caught kicking our cat twice today too. Arrggg!

My DS is very agressive with other children too. I believe it has to do with social/emotion development delays, which I think is briefly discussed in the book, "The Explosive Child". I try to stay fairly close to DS at the park and in other unfamiliar social situations. I am trying to teach appropriate social interactions. DS will bark at other unfamiliar kids but if I can get them playing together in a physical game he starts to bond fairly quickly. Avoiding smaller children is good too. He will bark at them. Fortunately, his impluse control is pretty good and he doesn't just hit them or push them. If he gets mad at his sister or his sister tries to engage him when he mad, I have to restrain him. He almost pushed her down the stairs yesterday. As she grows I am teaching her to stay away from him during these times. His anger and violence is very difficult for me to deal with but if I get angry or even confrontational it just escalates.

[InochiZo]

Originally Posted by honeybeedreams

the computer and TV go off here at 6 PM. after dinner is reserved for fine motor resistive activities.... like legos, sculpey/playdough, coloring, scissors, violin, puzzles, etc or gross motor resistive... pushing and pulling activities.... bike riding is one, weights, etc... or heavy work, helping dad move heavy stuff around. (books, rocks, bricks, etc)

resistive activities help sooth the CNS and make kids (and adults) more open to bed time.

Good Ideas Thanks!!!!

[InochiZo]

Hey Anybody have experience with kids unbuckling from the carseat. This is driving me crazy. I am about stop going anywhere with DS after 3 pm in the afternoon. AHHHHH! ::

[FluffiB]

I remember seeing a childproof lock-type thing for seatbelt buckles at BabiesRUs. Maybe something like that would work?

ETA: My DS doesn't know how to undo buckles yet, but he can undo the top clasp on his 5pt harness carseat. If he ever does that, we immediately pull over and explain the dangers. We also tell him a police would give us a ticket. He usually goes back in immediately when we mention the police. LOL.

[lesmac]

Originally Posted by InochiZo

Hey Anybody have experience with kids unbuckling from the carseat. This is driving me crazy. I am about stop going anywhere with DS after 3 pm in the afternoon. AHHHHH! ::

okay -- i posted somewhere else about this...maybe 6 weeks ago. we had been dealing w/ the same issue for about a year, starting when dd was 18 months. she unclips the britax and worms her way out...to wander around the back of the van while i'm driving 70 mph up the highway! right around 2 1/2, she upped the anty by figuring out how to push w/ both thumbs hard enough to unclick the button on the crotch strap every single time we buckled her. we spent a lot of time parked on the side of the road, and moored at the house.

one day , after driving a mile w/ four escape attempts, i drove her to the fire station. fireman jim climbed in & talked to her about how important it was to stay in her seat...and that the buttons were for "adults only." something about the visit or the phrase "adults only" really resonated, b/c she stays actually in her carseat now. she unclicks herself when we pull into a parking spot or the driveway, but she announces it (proudly and loudly.)

the "adults only" thing has slowed her down in other areas, too. she identifies cabinets in the bathroom, or changing cds, etc., as "adults only" and d/n touch them any more. if she starts heading towards something dangerous, 90% of the time i remind her that 'whoops, that's something for adults only...'.

good luck. i started reading "the explosive child", as "chronically inflexible" is an *excellent* way to describe my daughter, but i realized that she's really too young for anything more than some negotiating.

[InochiZo]

Originally Posted by FluffiB

I remember seeing a childproof lock-type thing for seatbelt buckles at BabiesRUs. Maybe something like that would work?

ETA: My DS doesn't know how to undo buckles yet, but he can undo the top clasp on his 5pt harness carseat. If he ever does that, we immediately pull over and explain the dangers. We also tell him a police would give us a ticket. He usually goes back in immediately when we mention the police. LOL.

Yeah, we did that but it does no good. Actually, talking to fireman might work or it just might him angrier. He gets pretty angry with any one redirecting him. Maybe when he's not upset.

Thanks for the input!

[SleepyMamaBear]

subbing. i ant to come back and talk about Addy and get tips on how to handle her explosions, etc.

[InochiZo]

Originally Posted by SleepyMamaBear

subbing. i ant to come back and talk about Addy and get tips on how to handle her explosions, etc.

Welcome, Tiffany!

More hugs. I just want to give any parents with children of this type personality a hug because it can be very challenging and draining. It is certainly not the most difficult hand that could be dealt but it certainly probably not the type of parenting you imagined you would be doing.

Now that I have a very verbal 2 yr. I realize how different DS is. She says "Sorry Mama" if accidently hits you or trips over you. "Thank you for the water, mama" "Excuse me, mama." These are things I almost never hear from DS and yet DD has mastered them at age 2 1/2 just from example.

[SleepyMamaBear]

you know i always thought Addy was an easy child.
until she turned 2.5 then she started getting explosive and moody, cranky, mean spirited, etc. she has alwaysbeen a sensitive spirited child. she is what alot have refered to as a "firecracker" she is my little hurricane, sweeping through the house leaving devastation in her wake. she has a very hard time transitioning to things, especially if she doesnt want to be doing what we are transitioning to, like leaving the park, or turning off the tv. yesterday she was very explosive, and she just lashed out, with her words, and with her body to try and hurt whomever was around her at the time.
all day long.
took forever to get her to sleep.
then she woke for an hour long explosion.
all in all she had about 7 hours of sleep lastnight.
she wont nap, ever. she refuses to nap, and hasnt napped since she was freshly 2.
she is so tired today, she has huge dark circles under her eyes, and is sluggish and pretty out of it, but still refuses to sleep.

DH is taking her to the bookstore now to look for Matilda, he is putting us in the red just to keep her from blowing up.
and i dont blame him one bit.

[caspian's mama]

i just read this whole thread and noticed that a LOT of you have 4 year olds. imo, 4 was a whole lot worse than 2, i think because i couldn't just pick him up and redirect him anymore. i read the book way too late but basically rode out this winter in plan C mode. now that he's 5 it's like someone flipped a switch. he's still an amazingly determined, self-assured, super smart, creative kid (and i wouldn't want it any other way!) but he's a lot more pleasant to be around. just wanted to you all and say that, even if you're not seeing results right away (or most days not at all ), you're still laying the groundwork for the years to come and it WILL pay off.

[FluffiB]

Kelly - thanks for the info. We see a social worker, and she said that DS (just turned 4) was too young to be labeled an explosive child. I'm glad to hear that it gets easier. I'm hoping that it is just a phase... He's been explosive since before 2, and I know that's part of the terrible twos. 3s were worse like everyone else says (the age of defiance). I heard 4s were even harder... then 6/7s... I guess this will never end.

[InochiZo]

I feel like with my DS there are too many genetic personality issues that are likely to make this an ongoing issue. Not that I don't believe it won't get better but there are too many areas that DS is likely to need help with ongoing. He has DH's decreased social/emotional intelligence, decreased ability to self monitor emotional, inflexiblity and frustration My lower frustration level and ADD and both My and DH's shyness. In general, I think DS issues are mild on the Explosive Child scale but still very real. He is also very ODD (Oppositional Definant disorder), which when I started this whole GD/AP thing I wouldn't think would be possible. Again part of why DS has problems is because DH has a lot of these issues and they just clash. I think with my and DH's awareness of all the above issues and DS development, it will get better over the next year but all those personality and skills set are likely to be with him the rest of his life. I know that he is still a great kid and will grow up to be a great person, it's just hard right now. He is very loving, smart, and active.

[FluffiB]

Wow, Zoe... Are you sure we're not the same family? LOL. I was just diagnosed w/ ADD inattentive type (didn't need to come out until I started having to deal with DS, which says a lot right there!). I'm very explosive without my meds. DH and I are both pretty shy and prefer to work alone most of the time.

The social worker said she didn't want to label my DS as ODD yet as this is still pretty normal for his age. I answered a questionnaire with about 100 questions, and according to the chart, he's a bit more oppositional than others his age, but she thinks it's a learned behavior (he learned what it takes to push my buttons to get whatever he wants) and that we can still correct it.

Both the social worker and the occupational therapist said I need to start saying "no" more and to endure meltdowns. I did start being a bit more firm with him lately, and it ended up in a meltdown only a few times. It could be his age, or it could be how I'm wording things. I learned a lot from this thread on how to talk to him rather than be strictly authoritative which usually backfires. You guys are great!

BTW, I started incorporating a little bit of 1-2-3 Magic again, and it's again working! I don't even mention what I'm going to take away from him, and he stops at 1 or 2. It could stop working again though.

[alley cat]

I have just finished reading this book and felt a sense of relief my son is most definitely An Explosive Child he melts down most days and more than once on many occassions . Just having a different way of looking at his behaviour has made me change the way I react towards him. I am trying to implement the techniques in the books but it's early days. My son is 5 nearly 6 and has a 7 nearly 8 year old sister. He is melting down less but he uses his sister as a punching/ hitting bag and I don't know how to handle this with this new method and his other behaviour is constant name calling such as stupid. His name calling isn't just in anger he uses it all the time. I have been telling his sister to say to him " I don't like you saying that to me" but he continues to call her that. :