Talking about vaxing with friends

[mommy2jonah]

Hi! Newbie here!

I mainly lurk but I am trying to post more.

So my question to you guys.

Does the weird feeling ever leave when you are talking (about vaxing) with someone who does vax and they know you don't?

I don't know many people, maybe 1 or 2 that don't vax. I feel weird about it sometimes. Maybe it is just from me. I am a people pleaser and I don't want to be the weird lady (although I am). I pretty much do things differently than all my friends. I am trying to find some friends that I have more in common with as far as child raising goes. And I do want to maintain my friendships with my other friends too.

Thanks! I look foward to chatting with you again!

[lovemybubus]

I know exactly what you mean. I could have written your post with my first but then my second came a long, I did a lot of research and so did dh, we were like loaded guns and totally prepared to fire off at anyone who wanted to argue. It helped (not that I am happy about this) that my dh's cousins fully vaxed their kids and all of them came down with whooping cough, ours remained healthy and fine. When I say helped I mean that my dh's parents finally laid off as they are/were big believers in vax. If there is one thing that I have learned about mothering, it is at some point better for everyone when you can stop people pleasing. Not judging, I have totally been there but when I realized that it is only myself and my family that I need to please it took a lot of pressure off a lot of issues, including NIP, not circing, not vaxing, speaing up to protect my kids, etc, etc...

[angie7]

I don't bring it up. I have 1 good friend that doesn't vax, all the others do. Only one vaxer knows that I don't vax and she is okay with it although we don't talk about it.

[mommy2jonah]

Thanks for the posts. Luckily my family is supportive and my ILs don't know. I think they assume that we do.

[cwoodard]

I definitely find it weird, and I'm often really nervous talking about it. It's such a controversial topic, and I don't particularly want anyone going off on me about it. At the same time, I sooo want to convince everyone and anyone to do a little research! I've been trying to talk about it a little in my mom's group in an inoffensive way that might encourage some of them to read up on it.

Today I was so upset/concerned... a new friend has a little boy who is having a little trouble. They are both exhausted and not feeling well. But she brought him in for vaccinations yesterday. Why on earth didn't the doctor tell her not to vaccinate if he wasn't 100% well? I hope nothing bad comes of it. I wanted to tell her that if she is going to vaccinate she at least shouldn't do it until he is feeling better, but I chickened out so I wouldn't come across as a fanatic and put her off.

[Gitti]

Post in Finding my Tribe and get to know some like-minded people in your area. You will be surprised how normal you'll feel. Also you might want to join a Holistic Moms group in your area.

[applejuice]

I have had many weird experiences in my life with regards to not vaxing and many come to mind.

One time was when I was the elementary school science teacher in a private religious school. We got a notice to pass out to our students to send home notifying the parents that the children may have been exposed to scarletina, a mild form of scarlet fever.

One of my colleagues in the faculty lounge got extremely upset and said that if parents would just vaccinate their children like they are supposed to, this would never be a problem. I gently reminded her that there is no vaccine against scarlet fever, and she was still upset. What would any of the available vaccines do anyway against scarletina?

I let it go. Letting anyone know that you have alot of knowledge on that subject is immediately suspect since that is the domain of the pediatricians.

I NEVER, EVER discuss vaccinations with anyone unless I know we are on the same page.

In my 54 years, speaking out has rarely happened safely for me.

[mamadelbosque]

I definetly avoid talking about vaccines with most folks. Our immediate familes know we don't vax, but beyond that I haven't really discussed it with anyone, besides some of my moms friends who encouraged HER to research back in the 80s!!

The few other couples with kids around here... I definetly haven't and won't be discussing vaxes with. I'm pretty darn sure they're big-time vaxers, along with most of our extended families... (several doctors/nurses mixed in there...)

[nwmamas]

Here are a couple things that seem to make me able to talk about vaxing and feel out the neighbors, or at least let them see an example of a family that hasn't all contracted polio and seem to lead pretty boring lives right next door...

1. Play dumb. "Oh myyyyy, the doctor said Timmy should get all those shots while he's sick? I've never heard of that before. I think my sister-in-law's doctor said to wait, since their little immune systems can't take it. Hmm, I guess every doctor's different."

2. Bring it up in a way that asserts mom's independence in random conversation that doesn't center on vaxes. EX: While mommy X is discussing how she's upset her mother took little Maya for a haircut without her permission, my advice is, "Yes, you should talk to her to see if there was a misunderstanding or if she thought Maya needed a cut and didn't care if you were there or not. If she doesn't respect your instructions, what's she gunna come home with next time? A flu shot?"


No fights get started, and you can see if people are on the same page as you.

[mommy2jonah]

I have gone to find your tribe and will hopefully be getting to know some of the ladies in my area.

The one friend in particular I am talking took our birthing class with us. It was private and taught by a good friend of mine who doesn't vax and she brought it up in regards to researching it and deciding what to do. Well FIL is a surgeon and there is no way their LO was not getting vaxed. She questioned me about it and wanted to know what we were doing and why. I told her and it was not arguementative or anything. Well ever since then it is just weird. She tells me about her LO getting his shots and how he did. I feel so bad for him. He always gets a fever and is a bit cranky.
Thanks for all the suggestions for the future. I will definately be using some of them!

[tayndrewsmama]

I used to discuss it with people, but I have worn out on that now. I don't say anything at all anymore unless I am certain we are on the same page. I got VERY sick and tired of people quizzing me as if I were some sort of medical encyclopedia and shaking their heads when I didn't know every single answer about every single disease. Ummm, at least I was honest enough not to lie when I knew for certain they hadn't read a single stitch of info on anything related to vaccines. If they really wanted to know more, they would start to do some of their own research.

[grniys]

I go out of my way not to bring it up. I don't feel the need to share my son's personal medical info to people who would criticize.

[goodheartedmama]

I don't discuss it. I have no desire to discuss it with people who have no idea what the heck they're talking about. If they're educated on the topic, then sure, I'd have a friendly chat about it. But I refuse to talk to people about vaxing if all they know is the info from the sheet they get at the pedi.

[thefragile7393]

Originally Posted by tayndrewsmama

I used to discuss it with people, but I have worn out on that now. I don't say anything at all anymore unless I am certain we are on the same page.

This. Or at least, if am I certain they will respect me. One friend of mine is finally starting to question vaxes...she'll probably be a selective/delayed vaxer but hey...ANYTHING that dosn't follow the current recommended schedule from the AAP and CDC is a great start!

I've found the hard way that many people just aren't interested in learning, just happy to listen to the propaganda and their docs. OUr family knows (and that's too much IMO) and 2 friends know and that's it. I never bring it up unless someone asks me point blank.

But I refuse to talk to people about vaxing if all they know is the info from the sheet they get at the pedi.

Exactly.

[tayndrewsmama]

Originally Posted by thefragile7393

I've found the hard way that many people just aren't interested in learning, just happy to listen to the propaganda and their docs.

Many people hear what you say, but they aren't listening. I have noticed that some like to take things out of context and then make an issue out of something they don't understand, but don't want to learn about it when you try to explain it. It's as though they are engaging you in conversation to see if you will say something that they can turn around and use as gossip to others who think not vaxing is Does that make any sense?

[In Exile]

To the OP, no you're not alone in that.
I mean, I can accept if others make their decision with some real research and in the end it their job to educate themselves, mosten often no amount of research offered will make anybody look into it-unless they have doubts from the beginning.

I usually do not ever discuss my DS vax status- but if someone (say another board) asks, what did you do, do I "have" to get the Hep B shot when they are newborn etc- that a good way to encourage further real research. I just mention a couple things, books, just general info. No need to launch a full "war", you will get nothing but hatred and tirades. Especially from people in the medical field. One "doctor" on one forum does not hesitate to lie, say about the contraction of Hep B and will insult anyone that does not absolutely love vaccines.

I like nudging people onto to the pathway of research, looking into things- but they must come to their own conclusions. Sheep/Lemmings that just do what everyone else does and only knows their Doctors yellow sheets are usually lost causes.

[rredhead]

I've said it before: I'm proud of the fact that we don't vaccinate. If vaccinations come up in conversation, then I just say "We don't vax." I've had people quiz me, but mostly people just ask "What are you going to do about school?" and when I tell them about exemptions, they just kind of nod, their balloons deflated.
I leave the room if people actually start talking about vaccines. They won't listen to me, despite the fact that I have researched every disease and most of the vaccine ingredients. I know nobody knows what diphtheria even is!

[ann_of_loxley]

I find everything weird. It seems most people I know (who parent very different from me) enjoy sitting around all day bitching about their children. So that just leaves me feeling weird to begin with. Then its talk about how to 'dicipline' them and leave them to cry ... to their recent vaxs....to how they arnt sleeping well at night in a cot down the hall to how their 4 year old wont use the toilet but im the freak for doing EC..... the list goes on.
I dont mention it - I dont bring it up. But as I said, they enjoy to bitch and moan...its like a contest to see whos child gives whos parent the most greif. As if thats what having a child is about. I would love more like minded friends! - I look forward to my home ed group meetings every months!!!...Which is another thing now that my 'friends' feel they have a right to pick on...All the talk of sending their child to school they now actually look at me and say things like 'Oh, but you arnt doing that' - look away and carry on talking about it.
The last time vax came up if was when my friend had her son - she was complianing it made him throw up for 24 hours after the vax...everytime he got one!...She said 'the doctor says its normal'... What do you say? I just leave it alone. ...or I try.

[Messac888]

I am poisioning the minds of my friends and cousins. One of them has greatly reduced her dd's vaccines (baby is only about 6 months old) and another has stopped completely.

Whenever someone asks me my reasons for not vaccinating I offer them a couple of books worth reading. Sometimes they actually read them but usually, if the people are purely nosy and think they're going to be condescending toward to my parenting beliefs, well, they don't read it.

My father used to be all over my a** about not vaxing but finally I told him, "I have a couple binders' worth of literature here on vaccines and their safety and efficacy if you'd like to read them. If you do, we can drop them off. If not, then this discussion is closed." I haven't heard about it since.

Lastly, I LOVE BEING THE WEIRD LADY!!! It gives me a sense of pride that I can think for myself and make decisions that aren't fueled by fear or peer pressure.

[Messac888]

I'm back with more commentary. I noticed I never really answered your questions about it getting more comfy to talk with friends.

I have a friend who has her Masters' degree in science. She has 2 daughters that are fully vaccinated (including varicella and flu shots every year). Thos girls are ALWAYS sick- ear infections, colds, eye goop, whatever. My ds was vaccinated until he finished his 6-month shots. DH and I couldn't bear to make his little body suffer anymore. Neither of my dds are vaxed. My ds is the unhealthiest of my kids, developing a case of croupe every year that is so bad that it winds us up in the ER and I sit vigil all night long. My daughters have only ever been sick three times between the two of them. I don't see this as a coincidence.

My friend and I have agreed to disagree. She gets huffy when I won't let her kids play with mine if hers were vaccinated within 72 hours of seeing us. I'd rather be safe than sorry (since I know of kids who have become ill secondary to someone else's vaxes). I try to not discuss it with her but I know she thinks we're being unreasonable and closed-minded and over-protective (since she has told me these things). I think she needs to relax a little and hey, I don't chide her for vaxing so why should she feel the need to chide me for not?

it never does get easier so we just don't discuss it.