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My stalker wants to see the kids and I can't stop him!

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
DSS said when their mom comes this weekend they will be spending time with a person who has stalked and harassed me for years.
post #2 of 22
I don't know what to tell you, but I just wanted to let you know that someone is listening. Good luck. Does your DH know? Maybe the two of you can come up with a plan? :
post #3 of 22
Has your relationship with your DH's ex improved to the point where you could ask that he not be present at drop offs and pick ups where you two might meet? If she still likes and trusts him though, there probably isn't much you can do other than put your DH in charge of exchanges.

If your DSS mentions him or things this guys says, you can just tell him that you know that man and he doesn't like you very much and that he (DSS) doesn't have to talk to him or listen to him talk about you if he doesn't want to.

Even if your stalker found out about either of these two things, as long as you do them calmly (difficult, I know!) it won't feed into his fantasy of micromanaging your life.

I assume from your post that you are in academia. Rest assured that anyone with any experience in that environment knows it is littered with the occaisional brilliant nutjob who is unfirable. Don't worry about other people believing this man. Some may, but most won't.
post #4 of 22
wow... how scary.. *HUGS*
Hope you will get through this soon.
post #5 of 22
i don't think i'm saying anything you don't already know but that does sound genuinely dangerous.

did you document all of this? i know you are not in an abusive relationship now but maybe a women's shelter in the area would have some services for women who have been stalked and could help you figure out what to do?
post #6 of 22
By the way, all blended family drama aside, I would hope that their mom would be interested enough in your story to know that he stalked you, and that he poses danger to your family, and possibly the kids?

more *hugs*
post #7 of 22
Thread Starter 
Thanks for your warm replies. It feels so validating to hear from you, as here at my job no one took it the slightest bit seriously.
post #8 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
By the way, all blended family drama aside, I would hope that their mom would be interested enough in your story to know that he stalked you, and that he poses danger to your family, and possibly the kids?

more *hugs*
I'm not sure if she'd believe me over him or not. I trusted him for years, until all the craziness started. I imagine she trusts him too. I don't know how she would react if I brought it up. I'm afraid she'd tell him he got to me, you know? I mean, I don't think she's that awful, but then I didn't think he was either.
post #9 of 22
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Not to make light of it, but it sounds like someday it might make a good book! At least maybe you could make some money off of Mr. Looneytunes.

What does your dh think you should do?
post #10 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Not to make light of it, but it sounds like someday it might make a good book! At least maybe you could make some money off of Mr. Looneytunes.

What does your dh think you should do?


yes, a book indeed. I'll wrote about my crazies and you can write about that bank robber!
post #11 of 22
Thread Starter 
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post #12 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by violet_ View Post
What if I called the kids' mom and just told her that I don't expect her to understand, but to let her know I view him as a stalker and just ask her to respect my privacy if he asks about me? Surely she'd be ok with that, right? Just remind her that she and I have lots of info on each other that we wouldn't normally have and just ask her to view any info as private? How would that sound?
makes sense to me *shrug*
post #13 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by violet_ View Post
What if I called the kids' mom and just told her that I don't expect her to understand, but to let her know I view him as a stalker and just ask her to respect my privacy if he asks about me? Surely she'd be ok with that, right? Just remind her that she and I have lots of info on each other that we wouldn't normally have and just ask her to view any info as private? How would that sound?
It sounds like the most you can do. It is just so weird to me that she is hanging out with this dude. Are they romantically involved?
post #14 of 22
Have you considered seeking a restraining order? Yes, it could let him know that he's bugging you, but come on, he knows that anyway...

I don't know that you can...but it can't hurt to look into it.

Those poor kids! I hope they never figure out that the only reason he's being friendly is to get the goods about you.
post #15 of 22
If I had put my kids stepmom in this position, even inadvertently, I'd want to know. I think you should tell her what's been going on so that she IS aware, and if he does anything inappropriate it's duly noted.
She might even change her plans. You never know, right?
post #16 of 22
Whoa -- what a hideous situation. And the awful part is that because he's not your standard idiot violent stalker, you end up sounding like a nutjob if you're talking to a skeptical person. But I know exactly what you're talking about. He's unfortunately not unique in academia, and they don't have to be brilliant. Just tenured. And no, they don't give up. They're too self-preserving to do anything truly risky, but they insist on waving their dicks in your face for freaking ever. If only they would just get over their own homophobia and go be gay. Openly, I mean.

Your husband's ex no doubt cares most of all about her children. If it were me, I'd also want to know. Even if I thought you were a nutjob, even if I didn't know anything about universityland. It'd make me listen very carefully. Odds are she's also picked up and ignored a weird vibe. If it were me, the thing that would catch my attention is that he called my ex and told him to break up with the woman sitting in front of me and telling him this bizarro story. If my ex confirmed that, I'd keep my kids far away from the guy.

In the meantime, don't be too proud to go to the DV people and talk to them. One of the things I found was that a) it's not rare; b) the social-services people are more than happy to see him as an aggressive, violent stalker; c) they have real power. Does it break the academic compact? Probably. Would I do it anyway? Yes.
post #17 of 22
Thread Starter 
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post #18 of 22
Thread Starter 
Oh, and here's the latest development: she let slip this morning that they're acutally STAYING WITH HIM (and his wife, whom I couldn't stand even back when he and I were friends) for the visit. sigh.
post #19 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by violet_ View Post
Oh, and here's the latest development: she let slip this morning that they're acutally STAYING WITH HIM (and his wife, whom I couldn't stand even back when he and I were friends) for the visit. sigh.


I am simultaneously in awe and feeling helpless on your behalf. I had a stalker once (someone I had dated and it got beyond ugly). The whole mess lasted a little over a year from start to the time he got sick of toying with me and it took me 2 more years to stop believing I'd open a garage door or turn a corner and he'd be there just to prove he could find me... kwim? I would even call his extension at his job to see if it was still his (he worked in the field, but had a voicemail through work). It's now 10 years since the whole thing and it's only about 5 that I feel at rest--like it's not LIKELY he's going to hunt me down... out of sheer boredom. I still occasionally Google his name to see if I can figure out if he's in the area.

Mine sought a challenge. Yours sounds like he just wants to get to you. I would also talk to the DV people, but I wonder if his chase would end if you faked some sort of breakdown that signalled that he "won"... kwim? Then, what would be the point anymore... ya know?

Just thinking out loud.

And have you ever told his wife about all of this? I mean after all... it would seriously piss him off--wouldn't it? Or maybe that would be dangerous.
post #20 of 22
Ooh, I'd say don't poke the bear and step away from the drama. Since he already had a relationship with your DH's EX from before, it is possible that this isn't actively directed toward you.

Just focus on what you CAN control, namely your ability to not obsess. If you've had a PTSD diagnosis, you've probably done some cognitive behavioural therapy to help you stop the ruminations. Don't hesitate to call a therapist if you need a booster shot of CBT but a PTSD diagnosis from the past doesn't mean you HAVE to freak out over this if you don't want to go there.

Been there.
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