or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Parenting Multiples › do you ever think some people are jealous of you and your twins?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

do you ever think some people are jealous of you and your twins? - Page 3

post #41 of 85
I used to want twins, before I had kids. Now, I am carrying twins (I'm a surrogate for friends of mine) and um, I'm glad that they're going home with their parents. I'm sure it will be wonderful, but I also know it's going to be an insane amount of work. Just the pregnancy alone is enough of a twin experience for me, LOL.
post #42 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoomaYula View Post
Me three! :

Shhh, don't tell my dh!!!!! :
You all have me laughing so hard over here!

But secretly, I am super excited to be having another set of twins. Even though my list of complaints is growing faster than my belly right now!
post #43 of 85
Yeah, I'm not jealous of Heather at all :

I'm glad your excited though!
post #44 of 85
Heather--I'm a little jealous too. We just found out we are having one this time and my husband and I are both relieved, but both of us also secretly loved the idea of having boy/boy twins this time around. We have plenty of love to have twins again, but it would have been hard financially.

Kristi
post #45 of 85
For awhile I found that other people making an "Oh, you're so lucky I always wanted twins" comments unbearable. But now that I look back on it, of course I would think that--we had to deal with TTTS early on and I don't think anyone else but people who have had serious problems in utereo can even remotely begin to undertsand the special hell that is. It was hard to have to politely bite my tongue...because I didn't want to be the person who broke their innocence and image of a perfect, just bigger, pregnancy.

Even now it causes a bit of a twinge, because it's a reminder of how horrible that was. While sometimes the "better you than me" comments are bothersome to me, they're not as painful because at least people are acknowledging that it's not all sunshine and roses.

My twins are 17 months younger than my singleton, but twins were harder for me. If you don't particularly enjoy the newborn stage then dealing with two is really really hard.

And I still roll my eyes a bit at people who say "Oh, I had two 10/18/24 months apart, it's exactly like twins" Yeah right. Close spacing and twins have their own challenges. It's silly to say they're "the same". Heck even if you had 3 kids the same distance apart, it'll never be "the same" twice.

but I tend to just keep my mouth shut in those situations. I suppose I envy the innocence of people who can make remarks like that, and they really don't deserve to have their bubble popped I guess. If it ever happens to them, they'll find out soon enough.
post #46 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
For awhile I found that other people making an "Oh, you're so lucky I always wanted twins" comments unbearable. But now that I look back on it, of course I would think that--we had to deal with TTTS early on and I don't think anyone else but people who have had serious problems in utereo can even remotely begin to undertsand the special hell that is. It was hard to have to politely bite my tongue...because I didn't want to be the person who broke their innocence and image of a perfect, just bigger, pregnancy.
: : ABSOLUTELY!

You've actually kind of reminded me how awful my pregnancy with twins was. It was really scary, like every second, with TTTS. I know there are moms on here who have had really easy breezy long pregnancies and wonderful homebirths, but sometimes I think we forget that some mults pregnancies ARE complicated and difficult.

I guess because there are so many mainstream boards for moms of mults that we on this board seem to focus on the "You can have a homebirth with twins! A twin pregnancy can be easy and fun!" Unfortunately it's not always so.

My grandmother recently watched some TLC documentary on twins (or some other channel) and she called me and said she'd really had no clue how tenuous my pregnancy really was. I don't think I relaxed til I was around 32w.
post #47 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoomaYula View Post
You've actually kind of reminded me how awful my pregnancy with twins was. It was really scary, like every second, with TTTS. I know there are moms on here who have had really easy breezy long pregnancies and wonderful homebirths, but sometimes I think we forget that some mults pregnancies ARE complicated and difficult.

I guess because there are so many mainstream boards for moms of mults that we on this board seem to focus on the "You can have a homebirth with twins! A twin pregnancy can be easy and fun!" Unfortunately it's not always so.

My grandmother recently watched some TLC documentary on twins (or some other channel) and she called me and said she'd really had no clue how tenuous my pregnancy really was. I don't think I relaxed til I was around 32w.
It's a delicate balance sometimes, isn't it? Because really, aside from the stress of TTTS, my pregnancy was pretty easy until the last month, when I started to get sick (now, after 5 years, we know that perhaps the stress may have triggered celiac disease). So I don't ever want to discourage people who are pregnant with multiples that things have to turn out stressful. I think for the vast majority of people, they turn out fine. TTTS is very rare.

But it can still be painful to hear other people's romanticization of things. For whatever reason, it really don't bother me with a fellow mom of multiples. But "outsiders"...it's very hard.

I have had friends express similar sentiments when they've had to deal with serious but unseen complications during their singleton pregnancies as well. It can be a very private pain, you look fine and may even be the recipient of jealous comments even though internally your world is crashing in around you at times.

But in general, unless somone asks specifically I don't enlighten other people if they don't have multiples. They're probably not going to get it (unless they've had to deal with a similar life-threatning diagnosis of the baby during pregnancy), people tend to react weird like you were rude or bad for not fitting their picture-perfect image or childhood fantasy, ect.

And I know that most people who have twins will not face the kind of things that I did, and thank everything good in the universe for that.

I wish more people thought of that before gushing, though. But it's probably just their way of trying to connect with you/wanting to admire your kids. I choose to view most of the annoying/stupid/thoughtless comments I've gotten over the years as that, because generally you can tell people mean well, they just don't always know what to say, and who can blame them?
post #48 of 85
The only jealousy we have really run across is the nice kind, "Oh you are so lucky, they are just beautiful, wow a boy and a girl", stuff like that. Even if people are jealous I don't think there's anything wrong with that emotion, I was pretty jealous of every pregnant woman I saw when I was getting hormone injections on a daily basis and ultrasounds every other day from our fertility doctor. I have to admit that sometimes I just don't want to talk about the twins with the cashier or whoever but I just accept the compliments and smile. How can I complain when I know others are going through what we went through and may never get pregnant.

I do agree with the person annoyed by the posts asking hcg levels, they can be a little much.
post #49 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by gemelos View Post
It also makes a difference whether or not she is AP. I know a mother of 8 children and her twins were her 6th and 7th. She said it was very easy but I know she sleep trains and is not AP. I think having twins wouldn't be so bad if you didn't care if they cried, sleep trained them, passed them off to others to feed, etc.
Yeah - many moms of twins don't BF, which would make a HUGE dfference. Also, older siblings become mother's helpers, i'm sure.

i did have an aquaintance tell me that i was now living her dream life - have a great husband and b/g twins. honestly, i didn't what to say other than something like it's a dream come true for me, too. or maybe she just kept talking and i was spared the need to reply.
post #50 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleMonkey View Post
interestingly I've had quite a bit of moms say something like "Well I have 2 within a year of each other so it's just like I have twins!" and "You have it easier cause they are the same age group" etc. These comments irk me.

also I get hounded by people who are CONVINCED they are identical (when we actually had a test that proved fraternal/sororal). AND some person had the gall to tell me in Target while I was in line that one of my girls is "definitely a boy" !

I don't understand people who tell me they wish they had twins
What is not to understand. I know I am one of those singleton moms and I have always wanted twins and still do. It has nothing to do with the popularity. It just has to do with having two with only one pregnancy. I know my mother will come to help (like she did with DS). It sure sounds like ALOT of work, barely sleeping, ect... But I believe it would be worth it in the long run.
post #51 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by dex_millie View Post
What is not to understand. I know I am one of those singleton moms and I have always wanted twins and still do. It has nothing to do with the popularity. It just has to do with having two with only one pregnancy. I know my mother will come to help (like she did with DS). It sure sounds like ALOT of work, barely sleeping, ect... But I believe it would be worth it in the long run.
The hard part of having twins, for me, was not not a lot of sleep. I don't get a lot of sleep now with one singleton baby. The hard part of having twins was that it's a lot harder to AP two babies. Pretty hard to feel you're being attentive and responsive enough when there are two separate babies with different and very real needs. There is a whole lot more crying with twins. Certainly my singleton cries and there are times that he has to wait a moment for me because I'm wiping a bum or helping one of my twins with something, but they're 3 & they can understand crying baby needs attention & they can talk and understand, "Let me get Ian in a sling & I'll be right back." Another 6 month old does not get it. So you have to adjust your ideas about what AP looks like with twins. And that's not easy. Then if one of your twins is very high needs, like one of mine was/is, add to that feeling like you're not even coming close to giving her what she needs and in the process neglecting the other.

Anyway, I don't mean to get all finger-waggy, but is comments like that that seem naive to most multiples moms. I have to agree with you though, it's worth it in the long run. Twins are great. The jury is still out, in our case anyway, as to whether they feel like they get/got enough of me. They certainly have enough of each other.
post #52 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by f&p'smama View Post
The hard part of having twins, for me, was not not a lot of sleep. I don't get a lot of sleep now with one singleton baby. The hard part of having twins was that it's a lot harder to AP two babies. Pretty hard to feel you're being attentive and responsive enough when there are two separate babies with different and very real needs. There is a whole lot more crying with twins. Certainly my singleton cries and there are times that he has to wait a moment for me because I'm wiping a bum or helping one of my twins with something, but they're 3 & they can understand crying baby needs attention & they can talk and understand, "Let me get Ian in a sling & I'll be right back." Another 6 month old does not get it. So you have to adjust your ideas about what AP looks like with twins. And that's not easy. Then if one of your twins is very high needs, like one of mine was/is, add to that feeling like you're not even coming close to giving her what she needs and in the process neglecting the other.

Anyway, I don't mean to get all finger-waggy, but is comments like that that seem naive to most multiples moms. I have to agree with you though, it's worth it in the long run. Twins are great. The jury is still out, in our case anyway, as to whether they feel like they get/got enough of me. They certainly have enough of each other.
:

The sheer amount of 'touched out' that comes from APing twins is unreal. By the time I try to take care of my older 4, keep the house at the bare minimum of 'running' so we aren't living in filth and not using disposable everything for the next year, keep the twins nursed and changed and happy, and then try to take care of MYSELF and spend at least a teeny bit of time with my husband.....it's exhausting! It still would have been exhausting with one baby, for sure, but take everything you've ever done with your singletons and times it by two. The times when I think "this would be so much easier with one" are rarely the middle of the night. It's when I want to do something fun with my older children but don't want to sling both babies in the Texas heat. It's when I want to sit down and enjoy a book and a glass of ice water with my toddler but both babies wake up screaming and I have to have both hands. Et al

But it IS worth it and the fun outweighs the gloomy in my case. I have two really easy going babies who are mostly happy most of the time. I have great empathy for those who have high needs babies. My last single was in arms for the first 4 months of her life or she was screaming. I can imagine how hard that would be with two!
post #53 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Intertwined View Post
My last single was in arms for the first 4 months of her life or she was screaming. I can imagine how hard that would be with two!
These are mine. I CANNOT WAIT for them to grow up. I have nannied and babysat so much (incl. newborn twins), and I know that my babies are not easy. No, they are far from it. They are just now, at 7 weeks, beginning to tolerate sitting somewhere not on a parent for, say, 5 minutes if we are lucky. They wail like the dickens if they don't like something (and they have strong opinions about, well, everything). THey can't be double slung b/c someone is always fussing. They scream nonstop in the car. Just the past few days we've been able to do some diaper and clothing changes with no wailing. And one is wailing now... off I go. I cannot believe I haven't run away from home yet... Truly, thank goodness we get smiles and coos on occasion, making the bundles somewhat endearing...
post #54 of 85
That just reminded me, my friend is truely nuts....she had not quite 2 year old twins, a one year old singleton, and was EXCITED when they told her they thought she was having triplets. INSANE WOMAN!!!!
post #55 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by kjoy2 View Post
I cannot believe I haven't run away from home yet...
It's never too late! Maybe I could join you!!

post #56 of 85
I'm in the run away camp today as well. Isabella just woke the one I worked so hard to get to sleep! :
post #57 of 85
Also from a singleton mum here, some of the last quotes on why it's hard with twins really do go hand in hand with two babies ten months apart. The amount of times I held two crying babies as I tried to balance bottle feed one of them and b'feed the other, the amount of times I had to buggy them both because my body was conked out after two pregnancies close together, the touched out feeling that had me hiding from them in the bathroom and screaming at my dh, ( you never had that!?! ), to go get teats and formula for the younger of the two, ( older had special formula for milk intolerance), the amount of places I couldn't go and people I couldn't see was incredible. I sacked the washable nappies, b'feeding, slings for the most part, co sleeping for a brief while because everyone was telling me those things were what was making life hard for me - but the fact was I had two babies !!!in a very different combination to twins!!! but still two babies who were non verbal and entirely dependant on me for everything. It was mental, and reflecting on that time makes me more scared about the practical prospect of twins than I can believe. I'm putting some of that experience forward here just because I beg you not to blow out another 'closely spaced siblings' mother who needs a HUG because she's melted out!!!

When mothers of multiples blank/ jeer the mothers struggling alongside them because they *don't* have multiples it seems almost as sad as those who speak as if they **know exactly** what it's like to have twins/ more.
Of course it's impossible to know - but maybe the mothers wanting/ making comments are actually just looking for moral support??? I don't know - some jealousy seems hard hitting and turns into a malicious envy where you feel they want you to suffer/ lose what you have, but mostly I think it's awe and wonder - that's beautiful :

All our parenting combinations have special factors to them, and I think it's not about what is the same/ better/ harder/easier - mainly mothers go to other mothers looking for camaraderie and a nodding hug of support. I hope we can all offer that in whatever state we feel towards how others feel iykwim.

Also, re: the 'my HCG levels are mega high/ my uterus is huge' comments - to me that's another example of genuine enquiry. It's much nicer to approach another mama and ask that stuff than sit googling it all night as you panic about what's going on in your body!!!

I guess, to go all philosophical, if we all felt more prostrate to every other mother, ( human!?!), we'd always interpret their comments as honorable and worthy of note because they stem from what's going on inside their heart.


I think I've gone waaay OT and probably ruined the gist of the thread, but hey, you'll forgive me !?!

DocsNemesis - that's cos it hasn't sunk in for her yet. lol.
post #58 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Intertwined View Post
I'm in the run away camp today as well. Isabella just woke the one I worked so hard to get to sleep! :
Yes, Adele had lost her paci, cried, and woke up Nadia. We need to work on breaking the suck to sleep association here... : But now Adele is asleep in the swing and I just put Nadia back in the co-sleeper 'sleepy (read: exhausted) but awake'. :
It's my first day home a-l-o-n-e.

***threadjack over***
post #59 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by f&p'smama View Post
add to that feeling like you're not even coming close to giving her what she needs and in the process neglecting the other.

: TOTALLY

Anyway, I don't mean to get all finger-waggy, but is comments like that that seem naive to most multiples moms. I have to agree with you though, it's worth it in the long run. Twins are great. The jury is still out, in our case anyway, as to whether they feel like they get/got enough of me. They certainly have enough of each other.
That's really gently and helpfully put mama. Thank you.
It's scary stuff for me approaching the reality behind my self righteous campaign for 'niceness' and compassion to mothers of singletons ...
post #60 of 85
Shukr--if it makes you feel any better at all, having my first four so closely spaced was like a Bootcamp Before Multiples. I feel pretty well equiped for the challenges I've faced thus far. Except tandem nursing since I've never done this before. It's been more intense with the twins than it was with two 18 months apart, for sure, but it has not been harder. I agree with much of what you've written but I also understand the thoughts expressed here. It's sort of frustrating for a MoM to hear her hard work poo-pooed as "oh you think YOU'VE got it hard...blahblahblah".
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting Multiples
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Parenting Multiples › do you ever think some people are jealous of you and your twins?