try to think about the up-side
I just had to post a quik response to you because I went through/am going through the same thing. We had planned for a homebirth, we had just done our home visit with our midwife and I was getting the final touches done on the nursery. Our backup OB had noticed our baby was kind of small so he was watching me closely for IUGR. I was not convinced anything was wrong, so going to the weekly Non-Stress Tests was just a pain in my opinion. Every time my midwife listened to the baby's heartbeat it was good, so I wasnt worried.
Three days after our baby shower I went in to see the OB again for another NST, this time he wanted to do a Doppler Scan to see how the blood flow was between me and the baby. There was NO diastolic flow! I was still not convinced that it was emergency, so we asked for a second opinion. The nearest perinatologist was closed for the day but could see me first thing in the morning they said. DH and I told him we wanted to talk to our Midwife and see if we could wait till the next day. The OB said he wanted to see one more thing, he put me on the NST machine and the baby's heartbeat was going from 130 down to 70 in big waves. He said "That's it, we're off to the hospital, we've got to get this baby out!". I was in shock! We called our Midwife again and she said, "Dr xxxx is not an overreacter, I have worked with him many times before and he even delivered MY baby, if he says it's an emergency, you have to go!"
Luckily DH was there with me so we drove over to the hospital (about 5 minutes away) I barely had a chance to call 2 people and tell them we were having the baby NOW. I was at 36 weeks.
Our midwife was at the hospital waiting when I pulled up, she opened my door and said "let you husband park your cars you have to come with me". (DH was behind me in his car cuz we had met up at the OB's office) So poor DH was left in the parking structure parking two cars while I was whisked away into the Operating Room. They literally walked me into the OR, had me take off my clothes and put me in a gown while they were asking me all sorts of questions, "what's your blood type? when did you eat last? do you have any allergies? do you have any other children? etc" I was sitting on the operating table with needle in my back for the spinal tap with not one person in the room that I knew. My OB was still scrubbing in, my midwife was washing up and waiting for DH to get there so she could give him a gown. I was sitting on the table, sobbing and pleading for them not to start till my husband got there and wondering how, in a space of 15 minutes, I went from planning for homebirth to waiting for the Dr to come take the baby out of me.
I didnt know if the baby would survive, if I would survive or what was going to happen.
DD was born seizing, she was not breathing and she was blue. Her apgar scores were 2, 4 and 6. I never heard her cry before they took her to the NICU. I just remember my husband telling me it was a girl and our midwife kept telling both of us to send her white light and love and let her know we were with her and thats he was going to make it. It was the most terrifying experience of our lives. I still cant think about it without crying.
Our beautiful baby girl spent 1 month in the NICU and they told us she had had a prenatal stroke at some point before delivery. They couldnt tell us what to expect or what kind of delays she'd have, if any. They also ran me through a battery of test to find out what went wrong. My placenta was about 1/2 the size it should have been and it was 80% clotted. My poor baby girl was trying to get enough nutrients to grow through an undersized placenta that was almost completely clotted but she still pulled through! She is such a fighter and I thank God every day that she is here.
Yes, I mourned our beautiful natural homebirth, yes it took alot of work to get her to latch on and to breastfeed (which she does beautifully now after 2 months of pumping and feeding her through a tube and then with a bottle after alot of Occupational Therapy), but when I think of the alternative... when I think that if they hadnt taken her she may not have made it. She was barely hanging on when they saw her on the NST. And only 3 days before our midwife examined me and listened to her heartbeat and it was good. That goes to show you how quickly things can turn around.
The hematologist that looked at all my bloodwork and the placenta pathology said that with results like that normally resulted in a miscarriage during the second trimester!
And when I heard that I gave up all of my anger and depression about not having the birth I envisioned and I looked at my DD and cried tears of joy.
I'm telling you all this not because I'm trying to scare you, but just to tell you that I was totally Anti-Intervention and it almost cost me my baby's life. And I realized that being tied to my vision of what I wanted for our birth was not as important as having my baby with me now.
She is doing great now BTW
: She is a little behind on her milestones but she is progressing nicely and the Drs are now not so sure whether she had a stroke at all.
Have faith. Pray to whoever it is you pray to. Envision yourself holding your baby in your arms, Talk to your baby, now and after the birth. Give your baby thanks for coming to you. However he/she gets there is the way it is supposed to be. The birth is just the beginning, you've got a whole lifetime with your baby to enjoy!