Seperated/divorced and later, got back together?

[paakbaak]

i´m wondering if anyone has gone through the whole seperation, divorce,
i-don´t-want-to-see-you, i-want-you-back, ritual and how it went?

i know there are people who get married twice (this has always seemed magical to me) but does this happen in real life?

[Benji'sMom]

I'm only newly separated so that doesn't describe me, but i have a friend who married the same man twice.

[caspian's mama]

personally, i would never get back together. what if we separated again?? that would mess up a kid too badly to imagine, i think.

[Rosehip]

My grandparents did this. My father was best man at the 2nd wedding. I think the whole thing was enormously traumatic for him - he thinks people should stay together for the kids, except under extraordinary circumstances.

[paakbaak]

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom

I'm only newly separated so that doesn't describe me, but i have a friend who married the same man twice.

and how are they? did they have kids when they separated?
sorry for being so nosy!

[paakbaak]

caspian's mama personally, i would never get back together. what if we separated again?? that would mess up a kid too badly to imagine, i think.

i think the same, that would really mess up the kids, they wouldn´t understand a thing. but i think, if you go back into the relationship, you go back into it in another way, alot more serious. don´t know, haven´t done it but i think it´s like starting a new relationship with another persona. you go into this one alot more serious cuz you won´t let your kids suffer again, right?

ToastyToes My grandparents did this. My father was best man at the 2nd wedding. I think the whole thing was enormously traumatic for him - he thinks people should stay together for the kids, except under extraordinary circumstances.
maybe it was traumatic becasuse of the circumstances that surroundes his parents relationship, i don´t know anything about it but i think being the best man of your parent´s second wedding is wonderful!

[JesseMomme]

I personally know of one couple who did this, in the end it did not work out.

[Mom2Joseph]

WE have been separated for over 2 months and our divorce is almost done. But I am still desperately trying to put our family back together. He has reluctantly agreed to couples counseling. I'm not saying we are moving back in together, but if there is a chance to 1. keep our family together and 2. create a new marriage then I am all for it.

I cannot fathom seeing my children shuffled around for the next 16 years and my STBX living the highlife while I qualify for WIC and Section 8 housing. We always had the dream of me homeschooling our children and rasing them a certain way. He makes very good money and there is no reason my children and myself should suffere because he is "ready to move forward" with his life.

I am pretty sure he might give us another chance, and the reality is, if he didn't leave us now, he would probably leave us later..... but I believe in God's ability to restore relationships and am hoping for a miracle. If it still doesn't work out, at least I can hold my head high and look my children in the eye and say I did everything I could to keep our family together.

Not sure if that helps, but I am trying to make that happen.

[caspian's mama]

i don't believe in "staying together for the kids"- not one iota. the reason i'm leaving is because i can't stand my kid seeing me depressed, angry, and not fulfilling my goals/dreams. my parents "stuck it out" for 30 years, despite making eachother totally miserable, because that's just what most people did then. i wished as early as 9yo that they would get divorced. they never did and it completely distorted my view of what a "good" marriage should be. oh, and my dad finally couldn't take it anymore, i guess, so he banged a coworker 2 years ago. now my brother and i want nothing to do with him and our views of "healthy adult relationships" are skewed even more. if you and your spouse are unhappy together your kids will know it, if they don't already. as they get older they'll only drive themselves crazy wondering why you didn't break up sooner... or crazier when they realize you only stayed a couple "for them".

as for remarrying, i don't really believe in that either. i have chosen to become single again to regain my freedom and to make a better life for my son. his dad will still very much be in the picture but, if he wasn't, i still know our family would be most complete being just us 2. there are few miracles in this world and NO guarantees. my son will not see me get close to another adult in that way again until he is much, much older because there's no [expletive] way i'm going to risk him having to go through anything like this ever again. i do believe that people change and- who knows? maybe i'll even end up dating my spouse again down the road. i wouldn't breathe a word of it to casi, though. the idea of falling in and out of love is way confusing to a little kid, especially the sweet angel who i vow to love forever before bed every night. i still haven't told my kid about our divorce yet and i'm pretty terrified. i don't know how he's going to take it but i'm sure he's going to be awfully confused. my job is to help clear that up where i'm able, not to confuse him further.

sorry to dis anyone's lifestyles or upcoming plans. i'm just starting this divorce process myself so everything is very fresh and raw. the thought of having to do this all over again is the stuff nightmares are made of.

[Benji'sMom]

Originally Posted by paakbaak

and how are they? did they have kids when they separated?
sorry for being so nosy!

They were young the first time they got married. They do have one child together. I don't know how old they were the second time they got married, but it was sort of recently and they are in their 40s now. Their son is adult now, I think he was already young adult by the second wedding.

[Benji'sMom]

Originally Posted by caspian's mama

as they get older they'll only drive themselves crazy wondering why you didn't break up sooner... or crazier when they realize you only stayed a couple "for them".

OTOH lots of them say "I know you didn't love mama but why did you have to leave US, why couldn't you stay for US, didn't you love US any more?" If only we could see the future and know in advance what our kids would think!

[eurobin]

honestly, i'd fantasized about reuniting many times since i really don't hate him. in fact, i still say to him that if anna puts us in the same nursing home once we're 80-something years old, i'll get back together with him in a heartbeat. i still enjoy his company -- we're just soooooo many millions of miles apart when it comes to adult decisions. i'm thrifty aside from eating out; he'd rather have a plasma tv and an iWhatever and eat just cereal for months. i'm into composting and cloth rags, he's into brand-spanking-new stuff and disposable anything. i'm messy but clean and would rather do 6 loads of laundry every 2 weeks, he's neat but not bothered by rings of filth in the toilet and does laundry all the time. we make bad, bad roommates and thus, bad spouses. and all that aside, i could never give him another chance after falling in love with another woman while still married to me.

i know we're one of the better divorces out there in that we are still pretty amicable and friendly, but there's a reason i ended up here. so my personal rule is that until i'm receiving social security, i'm not getting involved with him again. :-P

[minkajane]

My parents remarried. It was less than a year after they divorced (I was young so I'm not entirely sure on the timeline). The only reason it happened was because my mom tried to kill herself and said it was because of the divorce. So he remarried her so she wouldn't do it again. That was 17 years ago. They're still married. My dad has basically given up totally and just gives her her way in everything (which can be a really BAD idea sometimes). All three of us kids wished they'd stayed divorced. They've always fought like cats and dogs and act like they're just putting up with each other most of the time.

XH and I are definitely never getting back together. For one thing, I'm remarried (to an absolutely amazing guy ). But even if I wasn't, I could never forgive the way he treated me and DS.

[frontierpsych]

Not I, but a friend of mine. She was with the father of her oldest (15), but he was her brother's best friend and if her family had known he was the father things would have gotten nuts, so she put a male friend of hers as the dad on the birth certificate. Later on they broke up, and she married the father of her twins (13). They divorced, and she got back together with her first daughter's father, they were married in 06. Her DD1 did not know he was her real father until recently. Things seem to go pretty smoothly for them, as far as I've seen.

[doublyblessed]

my parents divorced when i was 4, then when i was 16 i reunited w/ my father and they got back together for about 6 months give or take...we even lived w/ him in a rented house...they had separate bedrooms...i didn't know they were as close as they were at the time...it did not last, to say the least... i still have mixed feelings about it. as kind of a tease to me...they both claim to love each other immensely but say 'they just can't live together...'. they still talk and see each other when he comes to visit me and my dd (he has yet to come up to meet my son due to financial reasons...) hmmm. at least they own that and moved on...

silly me did a silly thing just now before seeing this thread...so i'm grateful i now saw it here. i went searching yet again for my ex on personals sites to see if he was on others i hadn't seen him on yet...part of my investigative obsession i tend to do sometimes when i'm feeling...confused, lonely...grieving the loss of our relationship...confused for our son. (the ex has not seen me since i was 35 wx pg and i finally took off-the arguing was stressing me out too much...i didn't enjoy being cursed at and for my dd to be cursed at and for him to try to unlock/open door to the bedroom once i'd gone in there telling him to leave us alone, etc...). well...sure enough, there he is on match.com. i read his whole profile. he must have had someone help him cuz there is no way he could have come up w/ all that and worded as nicely as it was...anyway, this time around (its been a few months since i last did this looking...) he didn't say he had any dc...this time he says he has 1 not living w/ him. ugh. that really irked me. he hasn't even MET my son. he hasn't even sent money or anything. he hasn't tried to visit him...despite i have a protective order against him. is he that stupid, i've wondered, that he may think he can't go around it to visit w/ his son via mediation/supervised visits...i've given him the benefit of my doubt due to severe ignorance issues on his part. but then again, my friends and mom say he's probably just let it go...which is interesting cuz that is his user ID...letitgo and then the year of his birth.

sorry for hijacking...if i am...maybe i'm not...this is all related so maybe i'm not...god i'm feeling so insecure this morning!!! i just felt this relates somewhat to this thread as i sometimes wonder the 'what if i stayed' stuff and 'maybe we could try to get back together...would he want to...would i want to...' ugh. it really hurts cuz his title says he is looking for a 'responsible partner' and someone who doesn't 'run from their problems...someone who takes the good with the bad...' that really is upsetting!!! makes me self doubt in moments like this one where i'm not feelling so great (sinuses) and so i'm self doubting.

really i'm glad i 'ran'. for the sake of my kids and i: my dd (not his bio), my son who was in the womb and probably stressed out as i sure was...

sometimes i think...maybe i should try and put our family back together...all these thoughts...would he move here to OR...i would not move back to MN where he is...would he even want to try...blah blah blah...but you know, i'm content how it is, w/out him...he obviously think he did nothing wrong and sees it as just 'bad times' i should have stuck it out thru. no thanks, man. i'd rather 'run baby run baby run baby run baby run...'.

and then i sometimes ponder getting back w/ my dd's bio father, who is also not in the picture...sigh...silly me...that would be a HUGE mistake yet again if i did THAT. i hear much thru the grapevine and he has not changed...i don't get child support so i have no ties w/ him. i regret filing for child support for my son. all the what ifs.............i couldn't personally bear sending my son off to MN to be w/ his bio father sometimes...ugh. makes me sick to my stomach.

anyway...yeah. i ponder this. i wonder about it. actually, i split up w/ my dd's bio father when i was early pg w/ her and we got back together when i was about 6 mos. pg. so i can kind of relate to getting back together w/ the ex of my child...i told him it was over when my dd was 9 mos. old.

[doublyblessed]

Originally Posted by minkajane

For one thing, I'm remarried (to an absolutely amazing guy ). But even if I wasn't, I could never forgive the way he treated me and DS.

i needed to hear this. to remind me that it is NOT ok to have a man i love call me names and tell my dd and i (while i'm pg w/ our son...) to F-off. yeah. i am so over this funky mood i'm in. what am i thinking? i hate when i do this to myself...make him out to be somehow maybe right...and me the wrong one... i also have a hard time forgetting. i don't even think i've forgiven...i guess i just am trying to get into his head/heart any way i possibly can w/out him knowing to see what he's thinking about having a child he doesn't see. to see what lies he tells women on the personals...sigh. ok i must. stop. this. obsessing. this is not good for my sanity. ooo i just hate these moments i have sometimes! nuts!

[Mom2Joseph]

Originally Posted by caspian's mama

i don't believe in "staying together for the kids"- not one iota. the reason i'm leaving is because i can't stand my kid seeing me depressed, angry, and not fulfilling my goals/dreams. my parents "stuck it out" for 30 years, despite making eachother totally miserable, because that's just what most people did then. i wished as early as 9yo that they would get divorced. they never did and it completely distorted my view of what a "good" marriage should be. oh, and my dad finally couldn't take it anymore, i guess, so he banged a coworker 2 years ago. now my brother and i want nothing to do with him and our views of "healthy adult relationships" are skewed even more. if you and your spouse are unhappy together your kids will know it, if they don't already. as they get older they'll only drive themselves crazy wondering why you didn't break up sooner... or crazier when they realize you only stayed a couple "for them".(

I am so sorry you went through that horrible experience. And yet, since you weren't a child of divorce you can't say for sure it would have been better, or worse.

I can tell you this - the kids aren't a reason to just stay together and stagnate and create a living hell for all parties concerned - just for the sake of staying married. But I do believe that my children ARE a reason to try even harder to take my part and do anything I can to make the marriage work and be better and to create a good homelife for my children. Even more than that is the vow I took before God and I take it seriously.

This separation and divorce is ripping my children in 2. And me too. It is the living hell that won't end. (and ours is very amicable!) And I will continue to swallow my pride and do all i can to bring us together. Do I think we will ever have this intensely passionate marriage? No. But I do know we are friends capable of loving our children and living a good, stable, decent life together. An ok marriage is better for my children than a "terrific" divorce - because for us, there is no such thing as a good divorce. There just isn't.

I come from an intact, loving home. It wasn't perfect, but it was and still is mine. I want the same for my children.

ETA - you may remember my old posts about how bad my marriage "was"....the grass isn't always greener and I want the best for them.

[caspian's mama]

i think i would much rather have had my parents split when i was younger, so they could deal with it themselves as adults, than have had to deal with picking up my drunk, wailing, 50yo mother (and c's grandmother) off the floor after she fell to pieces again and again in the months after my dad left. i will never be the same for having to hear all the wretched details of my parents' dysfunctional sex life. my brother will never respect my mother again for taking so much of her rage out on him, being the only male left in the house. i am definitely a child of divorce.

my son's having a hard time right now too but he's been having a hard time for 2+ years now, watching his dad and i get more distant. the situation is getting progressively worse and it's taking a huge toll on him. no one can change their relationship singlehandedly, despite what some self help books say. my partner has lost all hope that things can improve so i will not leave casi here to rot in a house filled with depression and longing for days long past, with a mother who is sacrificing her own life to maintain some artificial fantasy of what a "real" family should look like. real families love and support eachother no matter what. i can't make that happen if my partner is unwilling. what i *can* do is get the heck out of here, as quickly and cleanly as possible, and start reconstructing a better life for my child, with the happy mama he deserves.

[waiting2bemommy]

Well....my husband moved down here from NY to be near our ds, who he had never seen. he lives about 15 minutes away, is seeing himn regularly (although I have to bring ds to him for a number of reasons) and is working an OK job. And by OK, I mean it's slightly above minimum wage and is legal. I don't know if we'll ever get back together....we've had moments of "I still love you" and moments where he wanted to go back to NY. For some reason I find myself fighting to create a family with him and ds, FOR ds (and maybe a little bit for me too...). I'll let you know if it works out. For now, he still has lots of his old behaviors (which included abuse), so I'm watching from a safe distance, aside from his visits with ds.

[paakbaak]

wow so many things!!!!!!!!!! i don´t know where to begin, 11pm and i´m falling asleep but i loved your responses.

i agree with never going back to a person who hurt you in those ways (name calling, never meeting his child, etc.).

i also agree completely on not staying for the kids. never. i have cousins whos parents stayed together for them, and most of their marriges are the same way, not a good example at all.
my parents got divorced when i was 4, it has always always been hard for me not having my father in my life. until he died, only then did i feel i got the oportunity to "talk" to him, but his absence has always been very dificult for me.
but never stay together for the kids, no way.

BUT...what if...
what if you got separated for other reasons? never treated you badly, no name calling, always took care of his son, took on 2 jobs cuz we needed the money, loving, caring, etc. but just got off the trak. it´s his personal story so i don´t like to share it but i´ll just say, so you can understand: depressed, bored, got into drugs and didn´t stop until he lost his job, home, wife, son, etc.

we´re divorced and am going back home cuz there is no money now, he has too many debts but we love eachother inmensly. just that i can´t help him now, i´ve tried absolutely everything, and saw that it´s up to him now to pay everything off, leave this life, get help and put ting in a "priority list".

so if this is the case, and lets say he gets help, a job, his life backl on track...it is viable to get back together, right? maybe i´m thinking ahead of time...time to time, right?