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Seperated/divorced and later, got back together? - Page 2

post #21 of 42
casi's dad is a good man. there's been no abuse here- the thought wouldn't even cross his mind. maybe part of me will always wonder what it would be like if he had a magical transformation into my dream spouse. if i was the praying type i'd be on my knees if i thought it would do any good. i would prefer to have that dream family (along with the small house and big garden and all our debts paid off etc etc etc) but i'm not going to stay in a dysfunctional one and just keep wishing. i think the same goes for being single. embrace it!! go read that long list (i think it's stickied) about why folks here actually prefer being single. there are plenty of upsides, even though the US govt rails against it. there's nothing wrong with missing a former partner or even with dreaming, unless it distracts you from the here and now. honestly, i don't see anything wrong with maybe some low-grade dating down the road, as long as both parties agree to keep it from the kids. like i said, the thought of a kid having to watch his parents break up *twice* is- well, i'm going to stop thinking about it now and just focus on getting us through this breakup. good luck to you, paakbaak. this is certainly a major emotional rollercoaster. coming from someone who's probably bipolar, that's saying a lot. nothing compares to this pain and confusion but my eyes are on the prize: a happier, healthier mom and kiddo.

to your family
post #22 of 42
Originally Posted by caspian's mama View Post
i i am definitely a child of divorce.

my son's having a hard time right now too but he's been having a hard time for 2+ years now, watching his dad and i get more distant. the situation is getting progressively worse and it's taking a huge toll on him. no one can change their relationship singlehandedly, despite what some self help books say. my partner has lost all hope that things can improve so i will not leave casi here to rot in a house filled with depression and longing for days long past, with a mother who is sacrificing her own life to maintain some artificial fantasy of what a "real" family should look like. real families love and support eachother no matter what. i can't make that happen if my partner is unwilling. what i *can* do is get the heck out of here, as quickly and cleanly as possible, and start reconstructing a better life for my child, with the happy mama he deserves.
First of all, I am so sorry if I offended you. I am. It all sounds so horrible for you and I missed that they divorced later in life.

Secondly, I wish I had your passion in knowing that moving on is the right thing to do. I struggle deeply with guilt, religious beliefs and with watching my children hurt.....with watching my dream "life" go down the tubes. Ours was not a perfect marriage. And in the end contained some abuse. Even this past week he was so emotionally cruel.... Yet I want so much for my children to have what I had and they just aren't. I can't accept it all right now as being for the best, and yet it is. I know that the happier I am the happier the kids will be, I just haven't figured it all out yet - how to make that happen, I mean. We are out of our home and living with my parents and it is so hard.

Sorry to hijack the thread.

My STBX agreed to counseling today but I know it was only lip service and that no serious change has occured. None but his enormous selfishness. I have to find a way to accept and move on.....
post #23 of 42
Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy View Post
Well....my husband moved down here from NY to be near our ds, who he had never seen. he lives about 15 minutes away, is seeing himn regularly (although I have to bring ds to him for a number of reasons) and is working an OK job. And by OK, I mean it's slightly above minimum wage and is legal. I don't know if we'll ever get back together....we've had moments of "I still love you" and moments where he wanted to go back to NY. For some reason I find myself fighting to create a family with him and ds, FOR ds (and maybe a little bit for me too...). I'll let you know if it works out. For now, he still has lots of his old behaviors (which included abuse), so I'm watching from a safe distance, aside from his visits with ds.
i've often thought it'd be really amazing if my ex moved to OR to be by his ds...whom he hasn't seen at all since he was born. if it were me, that is what i would do as a dad. but...so far...he just is still in MN putting personal ads out saying he has one child living not w/ him (pfff! how DARE he even say he has a child!!!) and continues his life, bragging about how awesome his life is...................................whatever! i admire this about your ex, that he moved to be closer to his dd. wow. that is great. not many do that. they just blame the mama for moving away or what my ex calls 'taking the kid(s) from them'.
post #24 of 42
In answer to the original question my father did this. Lets see if I can summarize.

-My father married my mom
-He cheated on my mom with girlfriend1 and left my mom
-Left girlfriend1, moved back in with my mom but cheated on both with (soon to be) stepmom
-Divorced my mom, married stepmom the following week
-Stepmom cheated on him with his boss, she moved out & they divorced
-Repeated together & apart again with stepmom to the point at a young age my sister and I would just shake our head at him whenever they got back together. It was like a running bad joke. And you have to realize she was in NH or OR and he was in AZ. So lots of running around the US.
-He & stepmom remarried
-He and stepmom divorced and she found new abusive man
-He had short scary marriage with crazy woman (6 month saga)
-Divorced crazy woman when she left him for the first trucker (no joke) who would pick her up
-My father and stepmom had more rounds of together/apart again
-My father was diagnosed as terminal and stepmom came to stay with him until the end
-Afterwards stepmom & I had some interesting conversations and she admitted if she knew everything he was up to she would never have been there to the end for him. (thats another long story)

Not a romantic story to say the least.

My father had issues. He is a bad example of getting married a second time. But you asked for examples. To be honest if he and my stepmom had gotten back together once and it was permanent it would have been great. All the together again, apart again was like a joke to us. Really looking at it I never had any issues about it and still do not. Crazy woman left more of an impression. I just feel sorry for my stepmom, he could talk her into just about anything. My whole (I say whole to just try to keep confusion down) sister & I lived with our mom who was much more stable. My father had distanced himself from us enough we could detach. And it was nice to catch up on things with stepmom when she would come back into the picture. Now my father & stepmom had a daughter. She has serious issues. I really do not think they are a product of her parents getting together over and over. Her issues stem from the mind games my father would play on her. When they were apart my father would tell her how horrid her mom was and during the together times her mom was so great. She was 3 when my stepmom cheated on my father with his boss. And my father was master manipulator through the kids. He could be downright evil and 10 years later I am still hurting from his manipulations of other family members. He would lie to people about me. I used to drive him nuts because I never fell for his manipulations, thus the lies to hurt me as revenge. He pretty much left my whole sister alone (another story). I think that if my father had been able to leave his other daughter alone things would have been better for her. Its like in the book Second Chances. The one family where the divorce was a mutual decision and everyone was better for it and the dad & mom were still positive influences in their child's life was the one family where the child was in great shape. And I think that is the key. I think a remarriage could be a great thing for a child if everything had been handled right from the beginning. But I would imagine there would be confusion at the very least.
post #25 of 42
I struggle with this. My husband and I have been separated since last November. Long story but he got involved with an emotional affair with a MUCH younger colleague (it could certainly have been physical as well, he denies it but has lied about many other things). I kicked him out and started divorce proceedings but realized I was responding purely out of anger and wanted to take some time and decide whether I was doing the right thing.

Fast forward 7 months and the reality is I do not miss living with him. I don't miss the entitlement, the negativity (hating his job but never doing a thing to change it), the mean streak (not at all abusive, but unkind and dismissive toward others), the refusal to be an adult with me (happy hours with the 20somethings in the office every Friday, then dragging his feet about taking our son to the park on Saturday), the texting and IM'ing 24/7 as though he were a teenager, the rudeness toward my family. It turns out that I am doing just about the same amount of work as a single parent that I was as a married parent, and with a lot less resentment and stress.

But I do miss the dream of our life together. I miss the idea of DS having his two favorite people around him all the time. I miss the possibility of a second child. I miss the comfortable heft of joint savings and retirement accounts. I miss the idea of growing old with someone. He is ridiculously immature, but not a bad person. So sometimes I think that I should/could suck it up and make it work, and thus I still haven't filed for divorce.
post #26 of 42
haha, now i'm passionate. a friend told me yesterday that i was strong. i damn sure didn't feel like it a few hours ago when i was crying on the bathroom floor.

momtojoseph, this is a crappy ride for anyone who has to go through it, no matter what their story is. i'm sorry for snapping at you. what i finally realized is that, for me, the choice is between casi experiencing the (relatively) short-term pain of upheaval versus the insidious long-term pain of daily life with 2 miserable parents. i *know* what the latter feels like- from a kid's POV and a mama's. at this point i figure the first option has got to be better. i don't have any dogma to complicate matters further but, in my less-than-strong moments, i still get the feeling that i'm abandoning a friend in need (my spouse) and the fear of what that might teach casi.

sucks, sucks, sucks.

lots of to all of you and your kiddos.
post #27 of 42
Originally Posted by caspian's mama View Post
haha, now i'm passionate. a friend told me yesterday that i was strong. i damn sure didn't feel like it a few hours ago when i was crying on the bathroom floor.
The two are not mutually exclusive.

Sometimes it takes strength to allow the tears to come and wash through you.
post #28 of 42
Originally Posted by doublyblessed View Post
i admire this about your ex, that he moved to be closer to his dd. wow. that is great. not many do that. they just blame the mama for moving away or what my ex calls 'taking the kid(s) from them'.
Honestly, the way it happened, it's not as great as it seems....he got kicked out of where he was living (with his dad) and he was essentially homeless. He wanted me to come back to NY with our ds and do...I don't know what, have a life together I guess. I told him, "if you want to get your life together, the first thing to do is get to know your son and start rebuilding a life for the three of us. And ds & I are happy here. We're not coming to you, but I'll help you come to us." He said, "ok, I'll come tomorrow." I had to front him money for a bus ticket, and his dad came through and helped him with the 1st month's rent. But since getting here, although he's still got a loooong way to go, I have been impressed that he has stuck it out, gotten a job, and is (so far) following through. He even bought diapers so, yeah, it's a start. But I think that the difference is that he DOES care for his son and I deep down, but he has nothing really to draw from, just a life of beatings and manipulation & putdowns and failures. He has NO CLUE how to be a father, and very little idea of what it means to be an adult. Basic adult chores, like opening a bank account, seem monumental to him although he is very intelligent. And he does actually say from time to time that I "took" our ds from him. He seems to forget that his abuse was the reason I left, and that he didn't exactly beat down the door trying to be supportive. But the past is the past & if he's willing to try now I'm willing to stand by him (from a safe distance, lol).
post #29 of 42
i do hope you guys can put it back together... that is a bit different than what i thought...well i guess time will tell...how long has his dad been by you now??? if its only been a short time do u think he's in a honeymoon sucking up stage? if it hasn't been a short time, sounds good so far!

sorry if i sound at all short or insensitive...i just had a major tantrum from my dd who is 5.5yo and it really has run me down. i just don't know how to handle her sometimes...or rather, if i did the right thing...
post #30 of 42
honestly i think there's a reason you split up. the separation, the divorce, the adjustment period is hell. single parenting was my last choice but one i never regretted. yes i have thought about getting together for dd but after watching my ex do nothing with his life and the aftermath im dealing with, i remind myself why we separated. i left hell, i have no reason to go back unless im a masochist. lol i rather be broke, homeless, yet have my sanity....i'll never let another person take that away from me
post #31 of 42
Thread Starter 
so many lives and experiences. it´s big, incredible.

yes i guess there always is a reason or many, for spliting up. of course.

he´s been back for 2 weeks. but i´m leaving anyway. that´s the thing. i´m going back home this friday and probably wont see him for about a year, or until he pays his debts and gets a plane ticket to go see his son. it´ll be hard, very, but i think it´s a good moment for all of us laong the road cuz we will be able to get up by ourselves, with only our force, the individual force. then we can see what happens.

ooohhhh ihave to think a bit about this today.
post #32 of 42
Well, we're not back together, but we are going back to counseling to try to work on things.

My backstory in a nutshell is that about 14 months ago, out of nowhere, H told me that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore, didn't know what he wanted out of life, blah blah blah. I found out later that he was involved in an emotional affair with a coworker who had spurred a lot of this on. We went through several months of him flip-flopping between "I think we should get a divorce" and "I don't know what I want." He officially moved out in November. We started mediation for the divorce in January, but it stalled out after 2 appointments (H just didn't make a move toward scheduling another appt). I was in a comfortable position financially and have kind of enjoyed getting to know myself and who I have become over the past year, so I was in no hurry to move things along. Kind of out of the blue about 3 weeks ago, H said he wanted to talk. I thought things could go one of two ways...either he was telling me that he was moving in with the GF and wanted to file the paperwork, or the way they actually did go. Where he told me that he wants to try and work on our marriage. I'm not holding out huge high hopes, I'm entering into this with a healthy level of skepticism, but am very very cautiously optimistic.

I certainly don't think that people should stay in a marriage for the kids' sake. That's a recipe for disaster and a lot of miserable people. That said, I *DO* believe that (barring many cases of abuse and other situations, obviously) we owe it to our children to say that we made every possible effort to make things work. Just saying this isn't what I want anymore and giving up doesn't cut it for me. If we go through counseling and things don't end up working out (which is definitely a strong possibility), at least I can say with a clear conscience that we gave it everything we had. I think that's the thing that has bothered me the most about H's cop out thus far; that he, up until now, hasn't been willing to make any kind of real effort to work on things.

I truly feel that at this point, we most likely have one of two possible outcomes. #1, we are able to work things out and end up having a much stronger and healthier marriage than we ever did. Or #2, we come out of counseling knowing that we just aren't meant to be together, but that we did our best to give it a try, and having the ability to have a better relationship in the future than we do now (which I believe is SO important for being good coparents and raising a healthy, and happy child). I don't really have any strong feelings one way or the other towards H at this moment, but we loved each other once, and if it's meant to be, we'll find that love again.
post #33 of 42
I got back together with DD's dad about a year after we initially split. It was a big mistake. We split up again less than a year later. I wouldn't do it again.
post #34 of 42
tjsmama, your situation sounds a lot like mine ... except 9 months into the separation, my husband got laid off and I am no longer feeling very financially secure. He is a compulsive spender and I fear that between that, the job loss and maintaining two households, we'll quickly start eating into assets that I'm not willing to lose. It's further complicated by the fact that he lost his job due to performance issues and a terrible attitude (3rd time in his career that has happened to him) and I am enraged that he would allow that to happen when he has a small child.

Sigh. It's all very hard. Best of luck to you!
post #35 of 42
dh and i married when i was 21, he was 28. we lasted 2 yrs into that marriage before we got divorced. we were completely apart for 5 yrs, didn't see each other at all. then reunited, had ds, remarried and had dd. we've been back together 8 yrs this time. last fall we separated, he moved out. he moved back in this spring, and it has been a rocky rocky road despite couples therapy.

to sum up our ongoing situation, we love each other deeply, have a very strong attachment, both want to give our kids a strong family, but the dynamics between he and i make us both miserable. he's a wonderful man and has also made lots of changes, started his own therapy, i'm in mine, we've been in couples therapy, and so on and so on...but still, i think we're both happier out of this relationship. and sadly the kids have expressed that things were better when we were apart; less conflict, more attention for the kids, and happier parents.

so, in the long run i don't know what will happen, but i can't say it has worked for us. the dynamics that are difficult now were the same ones 14 years ago, even after all the change and growth we've both been through. the tricky thing now is we have the kids, and want to do the right thing for them, otherwise it would be very clear to me that we should separate again.
post #36 of 42
Thread Starter 
so many stories! thank you all for your responses.
i see it´s pretty hard...just like going back with an ex-boyfriend when you were 15 but with a little more age and children in the middle.
now that we´ve been apart and very far away for a few months, i can say that i don´t want to get bakc together. i do love him and want him in my son´s life (as long as he is in good shape) but never again as a partner.
thanks to all of you for telling your stories!
post #37 of 42
I wouldn't take my ex back now, even if he wanted to come back, which he doesn't. We've gone too far down this road of pain for me to feel like turning around and trying it again would be anything other than bad, bad, bad for me and my children.

My parents divorced and remarried and it was a disaster, all the way around. I have friends who are now getting divorced for the second time, and their kids are wounded and confused in a way that they weren't the first time. Just too much of a possibility for more pain there, I think.
post #38 of 42
My husband and I got divorced and remarried. We spent about a year divorced and didn't see each other or speak for 8 months of that year. We have been remarried for 6 years now. We didn't have children yet though when we divorced and remarried.
post #39 of 42
I've been separated for a year. After just three months, my ex started pursuing me again. I have been very cautious, unwilling to commit myself to anything. By now I've decided I don't want to get back together. Nothing has really changed in him- he just doesn't want to be lonely and broke. He is a lot more supportive than he used to be- but the old expectations creep back in, and when I have really depended on him to help, he has bailed on me and gone back to his own house. This gives me enough of an inkling of what would develop if I came back that I don't want to go there. I think a second divorce would be criminal, and I'm just not willing to risk doing that to the kids. I would have to be 100% sure that this was the absolute most right choice I could make for myself. He lives 2 miles away and has them three times a week, so they have their dad. And I'm amazed at how much more civil and cooperative we are with each other now that we don't live together. They do want us to get back together, but separation has been by far the healthier and happier life for the kids and both their parents.
post #40 of 42
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by singin'intherain View Post
separation has been by far the healthier and happier life for the kids and both their parents.
for us, too!
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