birth trauma from father....

[Mama_Meme]

Hi there

so, it's 7.5 months pp and I'm realising that the trauma of birth just isn't going away. I am so happy that I have a healthy, happy baby. My body has recovered but my emotions are still crazy.

Here's the brief story:
I went out of labour 2x due to emotional abuse of her father (we were not together at the time and are not together now, but we still parent together) who just seemed to go crazy as I was in labour. Then, being incredibly distracted, due to emotional craziness, my labour lasted two days with 21 hours of hard labour and ended in me almost hemmorraging and getting a 2nd degree tear.

The last two hours of my birth (transition and pushing) were beautiful and blissful because it was then that I was finally able to focus on my baby (which is what i wanted to do the whole pregnancy) and be with her. But at that point i was just so exhausted from hard labour for 20 hours that after she was born i was so weak i couldn't even hold her unsupported at my breast for three days.

Every time someone asks me about my birth experience all i can say is that it was the most f*ed up experience of my life. I don't want to have that association with it, but i can't help feeling that because it seems so *wrong* that i was exposed to this behaviour during the most intense and miraculous experience of my life.

The midwives were wonderful, the doulas supportive, i birthed at home, had a super healthy baby, but I just didn't feel connected to most of my experience, which is something I always wanted. I don't know how to go about healing from this because most of the support for birth trauma i find is for women who had meidcal intervention, poor midwifery care, weren't listend to etc....

Anyone else experience the father getting emotionally abusive during labour? how do you cope? how do you stop the associations and move on....

Thanks for the open ear.... err... eye??

[lovingbeingmom]

Hi mama mere,

I feel for you you poor doll. I wouldn't worry too much because look what you have got out of it. It was a big battle and now you have the rewards from that battle.

Focus all your love and energy into the beautiful little person you created, have no guilt because I'm sure you're a great mom.
If you still feel this is an issue, which I'm sure you certainly do, can you go and get some counselling at all?

Well done to you too, sounds like a long birth and glad the delivery was more nicer for you.

[applejuice]

Anyone else experience the father getting emotionally abusive during labour? how do you cope? how do you stop the associations and move on....

No, not me, but I am guessing that the labor made him feel out of control and took it out on you. He needs some kind of help that you cannot give him. s

[Beccadoula]

It might sound strange, but you might want to contact ICAN about this...just because they are used to doing couseling for birth trauma situations. You are not alone, any time someone feels threatened or disrespected during labor there is this possibility. I hope you can make peace with this...mourn the loss and somehow move past it.

http://ican-online.org/?option=com_c...d=32&Itemid=53

[lil_earthmomma]

while I haven't personally had this experience, my youngest sister did with her first birth. Her partner at the time was horrible. He was condesending, cruel and even shook her when she dropped to her hands and knees during an intense contraction. Needless to say I was the person she gripped onto for dear life scared out of her wits when transition hit.:

This treatment definitely had a negative impact on her labor, birth and pp wellbeing.

Please seek help, as this kind of abuse can linger with you for a long time.

[veronicalynne]

My husband is not good under stress......when I went into labor with my 2nd dd, he was nasty and yelling at me when I was in transition.....he was a bit better when I was pushing but how much of that was other people observing I have no idea. I did give him hell afterwards (maybe 4 months) and told him that he could not have picked a worse time to do that. It sounds like you went through tons worse Maybe you could talk to a counselor?? Or a social worker from the hospital to help you find the right help? It makes me so mad that he has ruined what should be a beautiful, life changing experience....

[Shiloh]

Anyone else experience the father getting emotionally abusive during labour? how do you cope? how do you stop the associations and move on....

My 2nd child's prodromal 4 day labour (contractions ever 4-5 minutes without let up...) was helped by my MIL who promised me she would just come to the hospital after the birth (which because they knew he was large almost 11 pounds was promising to be stressful with the threats of a section in my mind...perfectly fine vag birth) also i was trying to avoid "Dr. Death"(my OB had been charged - later dropped - in a baby's death...so I was dead set against that doctor being my delivering OB and kept threatening to drive to the next town almost 1 hr away and would call and find out what doctors were on call....

My MIL drove up parked herself on my couch, had me serving dinner (while in labour), she couldn't even put her plate in the sink.... she went back on everything she promised me - tried to get into car when we were going to the hospital (we weren't going to the hosptial but coffee to get away from her as I hadn't dropped to 2-3 minutes apart...)

I didn't go into labour until it was safe (she went home after 4 days). Your body is smart and won't allow you to give birth if it can help it in dangerous situations even emmotional ones.

The hardest part of it was people blamed ME for the prodromal labour...at the time it was horrible I didn't sleep in 4 days and people were saying if I could only relax.....easier said than done...find someplace to talk about these feelings. Unlike a partner...I didn't have HIGH expectations of MIL so I wasn't disappointed...I expect things like this from them. Being let down by the person who is supposed to support you compounds a long labour.

[maiaminna]

It's unbelievable how insensitive some people can be to a woman in labor. My ex-husband refused to let me sleep or even lie down after DD#2's birth because he was furious with me for letting my mother babysit Tara (I finally got to rest in the emergency room after Tara came down with a nasty case of croup two days later); with Ella, he refused to believe I was really in labor and insulted me for being "melodramatic" up until transition, when he called an ambulance against my wishes (the midwife hadn't arrived yet). Ella was born 5 minutes after the EMTs arrived, while they stood nervously in the doorway.
It's unexcusable to behave the way your baby's father did. You have every right to be surrounded with only supportive, caring people this time, and I hope you will be able to.

[veronicalynne]

Originally Posted by maiaminna

It's unbelievable how insensitive some people can be to a woman in labor. My ex-husband refused to let me sleep or even lie down after DD#2's birth because he was furious with me for letting my mother babysit Tara (I finally got to rest in the emergency room after Tara came down with a nasty case of croup two days later); with Ella, he refused to believe I was really in labor and insulted me for being "melodramatic" up until transition, when he called an ambulance against my wishes (the midwife hadn't arrived yet). Ella was born 5 minutes after the EMTs arrived, while they stood nervously in the doorway.
It's unexcusable to behave the way your baby's father did. You have every right to be surrounded with only supportive, caring people this time, and I hope you will be able to.

Are you sure your ex and my possibly soon to be ex are not the same man???? I went home after a successful vbac less than 12 hours and "he" was so ticked off at house not being perfect he wouldnt let me rest until I started cleaning.....hello...i just gave birth to your child less than 24 hours ago

[sweeetpea]

No woman should have to put up with any kind of this abuse, especially in labor. I am sorry you have experienced it.

I have not experienced it directly, but as a doula have supported more than one birth with an abusive father. The one that stands out most sharply:

During most of the labor, he ignored her - playing on his computer, reading the newspaper, whatever. During transition, he decided to get involved - and, sheesh, do I wish he had stayed with his computer!

He told the mama she was too loud when she was really quietly vocalizing.
He instructed the mama in a lordly tone of voice that she was "doing it all wrong"
When she reached out for him, calling his name, he told her to get a grip on herself.
When she started pushing, he forced her into a different position, because the one she was in was the "wrong one. It won't work".
After it was all over, he practically accused her of infidelity, because how else would she have caught that "strep disease" (GBS)

Oh yeah, he was horrible. He had to make it all about him.

They are still together and planning more kids.

[acory23]

Thank you for posting this... I had a similar experience. Not only was the birth of DS (6.5 years ago) horribly traumatic as it was (I was 5 weeks preterm, had bhx so I went to the hospital to be sure I was ok, they put me in a little dark cold room for 21 hours then they enduced me because my doctor told them he didnt want me interfering with his vacation. They wouldnt let my family come in to see me, only my ex and he somehow got his family in and they wouldnt frickin leave me the heck alone! they strapped my legs to the stirrups because I kept changing positions, the nurses were evil to me, they gave me an episiotomy, pulled my placenta out of me, took DS away immediately to be cleaned and examined. I didnt see him for 6 hours then when I did see him it was through a plastic box in the NICU because hw as premature and had fluid in his lungs) During this process, his father was HORRIBLE to me. So much so that he practically jerked me out of the hospital by my arm because PPD set in almost immediately and I was in tears when we left the hospital. He told me to stop being a baby and stop being so dramatic. He said mean things to me when nobody was around and when the nurse came in to my room he started answering for me tellnig her I was fine, just needed to get over myself. The nurse, who had to be a complete moron, didnt pick up on the blatant signals I gave her that something was horribly wrong... My ex wouldnt let my sister hold the baby. Let his mother and father sit in my room for extended periods of time when I just wanted to be alone. Wouldnt let me shower. His mother took the baby out of my room. He told me I wasnt allowed to hold him becauseI was being a b**ch and he didnt want me to "take it out on his son". Then the worst part is I was anti-circ but while I was asleep (from pain meds because the birth was so horribly painful) he sent DS off to be circed... he signed for it. I was so heartbroken that he did that to my baby. He mutilated my little boy. When we left the hospital he wouldnt let me stay in my own home with my own bed (I was living with my father and he was living with his parents) he made me stay over at his house and sleep with him in a twin bed in a room he shared with his brother. He yelled at me and shoved me out of bed when the baby started to cry in the middle of the night. I spent the first week home from the hospital sleeping sitting up in a rocking chair and had no help with the baby. Then he would let his mother take my son for hours on end and not tell me where they were or when they were coming back (and he was supposed to be exclusively breast feeding) she was giving him bottles. I finally ended up colapsing from exhaustion, had mastitus because DS wasnt feeding enough, DH ended up with an ear infection, and his circ didnt heal properly. I wasnt allowed to go home for any reason for the first two weeks.

To be honest, I am glad I ended up with the epidural and later being hospitalized and given lots of pain meds because it made it possible to block out the memory for so long but this time around, when I found out I was pregnant and started to show and it became a reality, the memories began flooding back SIX years later!! ... I have had nightmares about it. Not to mention, it has damaged my relationship with DS. Not that I hold anything against him and I love him soooo much but when I first became pg, I found myself unintentionally distancing myself from him. I have since realized what I was doing and put a stop to it immediately. things are ok now but I am still hurting and afraid...

I know that my DH would never be abusive like my ex but I do fear that because he has ADD and doesnt handle stress well, he may end up spacing out on me. The thing is, i have discussd my fear with him and he assures me it would never happen but its something he cant control. He can tell me til hes blue in the fact that he wont shut down but when the time comes, he cant control it. But honestly, I would rather have him spaced out and there with me, knowing that he loves me and he really does want this as much as I do, than to have anything close to what I endured last time.

Luckily I have an awesome MW team. And we are doing this at home and I am hoping that it will heal some of the wounds left behind by my previous birth. I just dont know how to go into this with an open heart and open mind because I know that fear and doubt will hinder the experience.

[Romana]

Originally Posted by lovingbeingmom

Hi mama mere,

I feel for you you poor doll. I wouldn't worry too much because look what you have got out of it. It was a big battle and now you have the rewards from that battle.

Focus all your love and energy into the beautiful little person you created, have no guilt because I'm sure you're a great mom.
If you still feel this is an issue, which I'm sure you certainly do, can you go and get some counselling at all?

Well done to you too, sounds like a long birth and glad the delivery was more nicer for you.

Respectfully, I would like to say that this kind of attitude is actually often very damaging for mothers who have been through a traumatic birth. We all know that we're lucky to have our beautiful babies and to have made it out alive/healthy etc. However, that in no way mitigates the trauma of the experience or makes it matter any less. The joy of having the baby can exist in conjunction with loss, mourning, or suffering regarding the birth itself.

I really do mean this in a friendly, gentle way - but I think it's important to say "out loud" - that women who have experinced traumatic births are not helped by suggestions or reminders to not worry about it or just focus on the baby. A woman is a whole person and when she is hurt or damaged, particularly during such an important life event, she needs and deserves to recognize that hurt and heal from it. She will be happier, healthier and take better care of her baby if her experience is acknowledged rather than dismissed.

s to all the mamas who had unsupportive/abusive partners at their births. My MIL had a similar experience . . . she ended up having a c/s and her dh was rampaging through the halls yelling that she and the baby (my dh) should have died rather than having a c/s; that they weren't meant to live, etc. She coped with it in part by electing to have a c/s with her second child (more than 10 years later, with a different partner) rather than re-live that earlier experience in any way.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Romana9+2

Respectfully, I would like to say that this kind of attitude is actually often very damaging for mothers who have been through a traumatic birth. We all know that we're lucky to have our beautiful babies and to have made it out alive/healthy etc. However, that in no way mitigates the trauma of the experience or makes it matter any less. The joy of having the baby can exist in conjunction with loss, mourning, or suffering regarding the birth itself.

I really do mean this in a friendly, gentle way - but I think it's important to say "out loud" - that women who have experinced traumatic births are not helped by suggestions or reminders to not worry about it or just focus on the baby. A woman is a whole person and when she is hurt or damaged, particularly during such an important life event, she needs and deserves to recognize that hurt and heal from it. She will be happier, healthier and take better care of her baby if her experience is acknowledged rather than dismissed.

Thank you for saying this so eloquently. Being told "Oh, just look at the beautiful baby you got" just minimizes the pain and trauma that some women go through during childbirth. Of course we're grateful for our children ... AND we need to deal with the trauma of their births.

[In Exile]

Originally Posted by lovingbeingmom

Hi mama mere,

I feel for you you poor doll. I wouldn't worry too much because look what you have got out of it. It was a big battle and now you have the rewards from that battle.

Focus all your love and energy into the beautiful little person you created, have no guilt because I'm sure you're a great mom.
If you still feel this is an issue, which I'm sure you certainly do, can you go and get some counselling at all?

Well done to you too, sounds like a long birth and glad the delivery was more nicer for you.

Sorry that's the kind attitude that makes SURE that abuser's get their way, that they get away with it time and time again. It's enabling abusers to say, see, you're overreacting, everyone else says that too, you're just too sensitive, get over it. Be glad I was there-and all the other trademarks of abuse and domestiv violence.

It is also almost impossible to get counseling that won't INSULT an AP mom at some point. Most domestiv violence shelters do have support and support groups but most just fall short on dealing with such an issue of abuse during a birth-although most counselers have heard of it-and you will always find "abuse escalates during pregnancy, birth of a child" etc on their own checklist- most have a hard time processing the "I did not want the episiotomy". Heck, I got the stares from a counselor when I nursed my 10 months old.

OP and everyone else with a story here- go out and educate yourself on abuse. What is verbal abuse, what is domestic violence- the more you read the more you will be able to relate what you have read to yourself and your own situatuion.

Read, read and read. The more you read the more you can basically counsel yourself. It is no substitue for professional counseling but counselers that have expertise in that area are not exactly everywhere.

I would also call several domestic violence shelters and organizations around, check out their support groups and you will soon get a feel if it's worth going.

Take matters into your hand hand. Read up everything and anything on abuse, sexual violence, domestic violence. That will help "categorize" you your experiences appropriately. You will learn to see your abuser in a new light and as what he is- an abuser.

Go our and start your own support group- maybe somebody locally will read than and together you can share experience and help each other understand- without running the risk of "honey, just get over it".

Healing vibes for everyone!

[holyhelianthus]

Anyone else experience the father getting emotionally abusive during labour?

Yes. Not only from him but from my midwife. He was really following her lead and was getting more and more agitated with the situation so he decided to stand there looking angerly at me while I was in horrible pain and while I transfered to the hospital and the staff there treated me like garbage.

As for the rest of your questions I just have no idea how one heals themself or their relationship after this. I know my DH loves me but he just isn't very good at stepping up to the plate and I haven't decided whether or not I am ok with that. He swears he wasn't upset with me but I don't believe him. Still, lets say he was being honest it doesn't take away how horribly he treated me during and after the birth. When the midwife called me hours later to tell me I had failed he sat there and refused to look at me or comment. I can't tell you what that felt like.

Sorry to hijack! You're not alone, mama!