zombie, I urge you to be sure you approaching parenting/discipline with your son from the standpoint of parenting a hurt child. You adopted him at 2 years old, whereas you adopted your daughter as an infant less than one.
His paradigm and the way he sees the world, having at minimum lost the caretaker of his babyhood, is totally, totally different from your daughter's, mine, (I'm assuming) yours and the vast majority of other children represented on this board.
Asking on the foster/adoption board is a great idea. I also highly recommend Parenting the Hurt Child
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At the heart, parenting as we know it is founded on *attachment*. This little boy does not have an attachment with you. This can come, over time, but all children will develop it differently and at their own pace. It's important to look at the starting point of your unattached relationship and operate with that as your new normal. I really cannot stress this enough. In lieu of attachment, for now, he needs as a substitute and/or foundation: unconditional support, unconditional nurture and unconditional commitment.
Consider the needs of your son, emotionally, as you would a newborn. When newborns are 'ugly', when they frustrate us, when they scream in our ears, we hold them closer to us. We nurture them. He needs this to build the attachment with you, even though he looks like an older child that "ought to get it by now."
Older children who have been neglected or lost their primary caretaker often respond really well to the same sensory things that calm newborns: warmth, movement/rocking/swinging, soft sounds and white noise. Because he's older, you can give him these experiences is unconventional ways like wrapping up together in a towel warm out of the dryer or swinging in a hammock etc.
For the hitting, I really don't think TO is going to help. I'd suggest first and foremost ramping up the supervision to set him up for success, so he won't have a chance to beat his sister (they're incredibly young, both of them.) When his behavior gets to the out-of-control point, rather than isolate him (or berate him), try a time-in approach with extra connection to you rather than less. He may respond really well to riding on your back in a Mei Tai.
Congrats on this new placement and good luck on this new journey. I'm very happy for your whole family that he has joined you.
His paradigm and the way he sees the world, having at minimum lost the caretaker of his babyhood, is totally, totally different from your daughter's, mine, (I'm assuming) yours and the vast majority of other children represented on this board.
Asking on the foster/adoption board is a great idea. I also highly recommend Parenting the Hurt Child
.At the heart, parenting as we know it is founded on *attachment*. This little boy does not have an attachment with you. This can come, over time, but all children will develop it differently and at their own pace. It's important to look at the starting point of your unattached relationship and operate with that as your new normal. I really cannot stress this enough. In lieu of attachment, for now, he needs as a substitute and/or foundation: unconditional support, unconditional nurture and unconditional commitment.
Consider the needs of your son, emotionally, as you would a newborn. When newborns are 'ugly', when they frustrate us, when they scream in our ears, we hold them closer to us. We nurture them. He needs this to build the attachment with you, even though he looks like an older child that "ought to get it by now."
Older children who have been neglected or lost their primary caretaker often respond really well to the same sensory things that calm newborns: warmth, movement/rocking/swinging, soft sounds and white noise. Because he's older, you can give him these experiences is unconventional ways like wrapping up together in a towel warm out of the dryer or swinging in a hammock etc.
For the hitting, I really don't think TO is going to help. I'd suggest first and foremost ramping up the supervision to set him up for success, so he won't have a chance to beat his sister (they're incredibly young, both of them.) When his behavior gets to the out-of-control point, rather than isolate him (or berate him), try a time-in approach with extra connection to you rather than less. He may respond really well to riding on your back in a Mei Tai.
Congrats on this new placement and good luck on this new journey. I'm very happy for your whole family that he has joined you.
