My MIL spanked my daughter!

[Heavenly]

We live with my inlaws but they KNOW we do not spank or allow them to spank. My FIL told the kids he'd take them swimming (backyard pool) but then told them to get out again after only 20 minutes. Olivia has a hard time with transitions so a little warning might have been nice (plus who takes kids swimming for only 20 minutes??). Anyways she WAS wrong, she refused to get out of the pool but I feel FIL was too harsh - he said she couldn't swim for 3 days! Then she was crying and throwing a fit and started slamming the door down to our living area. She was naked because she had taken her swimsuit off but was refusing to get dressed and my MIL came stomping over and slapped her right on the bum! I am livid! I e-mailed my husband and he said he would call her to chew her out but I'm not sure what good that will do. I am under a lot of stress right now and I can't handle WWIII with them. What would you do???

[homeschoolingmama]

I would move but that may not be possible??

I would flip if anyone laid a hand on my children. Absolutely flip.

If you want a calm answer to help you resolve this nicely maybe I am not the person to answer this I don't think I would stay calm.

I hope you can resolve this.

[alegna]

I would move away from them. These people clearly do not respect you or your boundaries or your roles with your own children.

This is over the line. In most states *legally* only the parents are allowed to spank.

-Angela

[LionessMom]

tell them if they continue to treat your children in any way other than what you have said then they will not be able to visit with them unless you are around. remind them you are the parent, you can keep them from seeing them if you feel they are harmful to your children.

[Tilia]

Originally Posted by alegna

I would move away from them. These people clearly do not respect you or your boundaries or your roles with your own children.

This is over the line. In most states *legally* only the parents are allowed to spank.

-Angela

Yeah, that is true. And I don't think open hand and naked bottom is allowed either, even with parents.

That is crazy.

I guess the children are not allowed to show emotion unless it is a positive one?

[Smalls181]

I am living with in-laws as well, and moving is not a possibility at this time. My SFIL threatened to hit DD one afternoon, and although he didn't actually do it, I no longer trust him. We avoid him at all costs. We stay up in our room doing activities, or we leave the house. We rearranged our schedules so we stay up later and enjoy our dinner together after he goes to bed at 8. We get up after he has left for work.

Your MIL simply cannot be trusted around your children, so it is your obligation to not her have ANY unsupervised time with them. I seriously hope you and your dh lay into her about how WRONG she was and insist she apologize to dd. Thats just horrible.

[Stinkerbell]

Is MIL normally a 'spanker"? Meaning, does she believe that YOU should spank your children?

I only ask because she may need help learning other methods and controlling herself in that situation. It's absolutely IMPERATIVE that she not hit your children (especially knowing it is not okay with you!!) but that doesn't mean it will come easy for her.

I am not justifying MIL's actions in anyway at all...I probably would have lost my mind if I were you! But I'm saying if you know this is likely to be a problem in the future, you might have to help her find a better method.

I dont know your situation but I am always quick to consider that a grandparent's role in their grandchildren's lives should be preserved if possible.

[Mama Mko]

I would talk to MIL and tell her that is completely unacceptable. I would tell her she is NEVER to hit my child again, no exceptions. I would also not allow unsupervised access to the kids for a little while until I saw that she was respecting my wishes. I think you need to very clearly lay down the rules here. It is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. If she broke my trust again, I would very strictly limit the exposure my children had with her and I would try to find ways to get out of the house as quickly as possible.

[langyork]

I never ever leave my kids with in laws or my parents. Just be on call all the time with you or dh.

I think the best way to get to MIL is to let her know you don't trust her, NOT giving her a lecture. I think that will stress everyone out.

[rosegirl]

supervised time only!! I'm so sorry mama. How is your daughter?? Is she upset?

[SkylarJulesmom]

I lived with my mom (very abusive to me when I was a child though she never ever hit my children.) and it was absolutely clear that my children were not to be spanked, ever. Here's what I would've done in the same situation...
First take a big deep breath. Then take mil on the side out of ear shot of dd and explain to her that if she knows our rules of not spanking why would she have done it? Was it out of frustration? Was it because she had no other course of action? Then I would explain to her that even though you have to live together because of xyz does not mean you are handing over discipline of your kids to her and that if she can't control her actions then she just needs to leave the room! That's it. Then sit down with dd and mil and talk about what had happened, don't take control away from your mil (I say this bc if an emergency arrises you need her to have your daughters respect and to listen to what she says) but let dd know that what she(mil) did was not acceptable for you. If mil agrees what she did was wrong have her apologize for her behavior and promise to choose a different course of action the next time a situation arrises. Of course that said you mil would now be on moderation and not allowed to have unsupervised time with your kids until your living situation changes. Once a spanker almost always a spanker. hth!

[chfriend]

So, when your kids are grown up and in therapy, how do you want the story to go?

My mom and dad lived with my cranky, short tempered grandparents until I was _____ years old. My mom really did/did not stick up for us. I remember the time that my grandfather provoked a fight with me/my sister by only letting us be in the pool for a few minutes and when I/my sister got upset, my grandmother came over and hit her.

My mom/dad responded by__________________________________________

That really made me feel ___________________________________________

[texmati]

I don't have kids, but my MIL lives with us. She lives with us because she can't support herself, so moving's not really an option.

The only thing I found that works with my MIL is to stay calm, state how things are going to be, and then excecute-- never escalate.

Don't have DH chew her out. I would have DH explain that becuase they spanked they won't be spending any time alone with the dd's.

Don't try to explain, or convince, or give second chances right now. Second chances come after you prove that you've changed.

[lizzybugsmommy]

Ohh MILs I had mine living with us and she tried to take over my DD. I had to put my foot down. I would calm down and talk to her. She may have been frustrated. Remember when most of us were growing up it was socialy acceptable to spank, whoop, or whip your children to keep them in line. She may not know any other way to get her point accross. I am not taking up for her at all she should never hit a child. I would also purchase her a book about disaplin and ask her to read it. This will hopefully let her see the light. But please remain calm If she loves her Grandkids she will see that this is not right for them. Also you could tell her you dont want her GC to remember her for the bad you want them to remember the good.
HTH
Catherine

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by aquarian

Don't have DH chew her out. I would have DH explain that becuase they spanked they won't be spending any time alone with the dd's

nak
:

[Think of Winter]

I'd tell her that what she did was wrong, and then I would do whatever I could to get my family out of that house. IMO, your fil telling dd she couldn't swim for 3 days was way out of line, too. If your inlaws aren't on board with your discipline, then they shouldn't be disciplining your dc.

[Nan'sMom]

Wow, if I couldn't move I would at the very least make it 100% clear that your MIL is never under any circumstances to discipline your children again and never leave them alone together (yes, maybe some hurt feelings would result but sounds like a safety issue to me). As for your dd, make sure to hear her and validate whatever she is feeling.

Best of luck with this!

[Belia]

I have to admit that I'm a little surprised by the vehemence of everyone's responses here.

*DISCLAIMER* I do NOT believe in spanking or hitting of any kind, and I absolutely believe that ILs should respect the parenting style of their children.

But I have also read other threads on this forum (just today, actually) where parents have "lost it" and swatted their kids and the responses were much more empathetic.

MIL and FIL are people, too. It doesn't sound like this has been an ongoing problem, or else why would the OP have left the kids with them in the first place? Don't these children's grandparents at least deserve a conversation before they're cut off from their GC?

"Gee, MIL, it sounds like everybody had a really rough day today. What happened? I wonder why today was so much rougher than usual. You and FIL know how important it is to me and DH that our kids never be spanked, so I have to admit to feeling pretty upset and confused right now."

I would think that their response would provide a lot of insight and direction to appropriate next steps. If MIL and FIL start talking about how the kids are "out-of-control" and "in their day, they wouldn't put up with any such nonsense" and "if you would just show those kids who's boss"..... well, then I would agree that limiting their time with the kids would be appropriate.

But if the response you get is more along the lines of "Gee, I don't know what happened.... I just snapped and I feel so bad..... I guess DD just pushed my buttons and I reacted badly... I'm so sorry".... well, then you can go from there.

We ALL have bad days, and we ALL make bad choices sometimes. I think EVERYONE deserves some GD, no matter how old they are.

[jjawm]

If your ILs are going to be interacting with your children, let them know that when they are getting frustrated with the kids, or even if the kids misbehave, to let you or dh handle it. That gets them off the hook for having to respond in a way that is foreign (gp), and allows you to parent your children in a gentle manner. The would only work, of course, if you and dh are around. But since she spanked your lo, I can imagine you'd be hesitant to let her supervise your children alone.

[aaronsmom]

I'm sorry to hear this.
I don't really have any advice because if it had been my MIL I would've handled her in a not so GD way. But we don't have a good relationship.
Since you guys live together, I guess you'd have to come up with a more amicable solution. I'd say try to talk to her calmly about it to avoid her getting defensive.