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Need some advice ?

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
My family are against me not vaccinating my son, they think I am crazy and have no respect for me in this manner.My mother is constantly telling me how [insert mean insensitve word here] I am for not vaccinating my son.We have come to an agreement months ago to not talk about vaccination at all as we disagree to the point that I am sure my son would feel unsafe and scared if the word "vaccination" was bought up in normal conversation.

A few times in the last few weeks the topic "vaccination" has been bought up in this house-hold.
Needless to say, I have never, ever critisised my mother for vaccinating her children, as much as I cringe thinking about the fact I was vaccinated, I try not to hold it against her as she did the best she knew how to do ect.I know what it is like being a mother and loving a child and wanting the best thing for your child/ren, it is difficult without further judgement so I dont comment on other peoples life styles.

I have never voiced my opinion on this topic, as quite frankly, my mother does not want to listen to it as she see's my view as "un-valid".She will honestly walk away from me when I try to talk about it.But when she talks, I listen to her, as walking away is not nice or respectful.And then when I try to reply with my concerns, I get yelled at.

I cant believe I am getting yelled at over my own parenting choices.I realize she is my mother, but I am my sons mother.She cares about my son, I understand this, but so do I, and as his mother I believe that not vaccinating is safter.

I dont want to sound mean, but I cant help but feel fustrated hearing this from somebody that has "informed consent" by reading the brosure at the doctor's office - which happens to be put there by none other but the billion dollar pharmaceutical companies.

My sister (15), has, so far, brung up the "vaccination issue" constantly, and this is the sole reason there has been so many fights.I will not mention what she said to me, but it was not nice, she has been telling lots of random people that I do not vaccinate and all of these people have been replying with well [me] is an [insert insensitve mean words here].

What an insult to my intellegence...

I am not relying on any one else "to save my child"; I am relying on my gut, my research, & my knowledge to know what to do for my son. After all, I alone am responsible for my child, not any one else.

I feel insulted and disrespected that my own sister would do such a thing to me.

Okay, so there you have it.
post #2 of 18
You are doing the best thing you can possible do for your child and eventually your mom will see how healthy your dc is without vaccines.

She may be afraid for his life.

Your sister has no business talking to you in such a manner. Don't put up with it. Tell her that it is none of her business but if she wants to know why you don't vaccinate you will give her the information. Otherwise she can not discuss it with you.

You have to tell your mother that this is your child and you alone are responsible for it. She had her chances and now it is your turn.

Now I want to tell you that I commend you for sticking up for your child and eventually everyone will see that you made the right decision.
post #3 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thank you very much Gitti,
your reply means alot to me.

I just messaged my sister and said,
[sisters name]

[sons name] vaccination status is none of you business,
But if you want to know why I dont vaccinate,
I will give you the information,
Otherwise, you can not discuss it with me.
I have already told my mother the following that you mentioned, alot.(he is my son so I will make the choice for him), but she says that I dont understand how serious the issue is.
post #4 of 18
I am sorry your mother and sister keep harping you about it

The VIS statements (that leave out a lot of info) from the doctor's office is not informed consent and it's laughable that it is considered that!

It sounds like you live with your family? How about your son's dad, is he in the picture? If so, does he agree with you and can he help you? If not, and you live with your family, is there any way for you to move out? Just keep repeating something like "my son's vaccination status is not up for discussion". Maybe they would tire of hearing that and finally stop. If you keep telling them it's not up for discussion, and they won't listen, I'm not sure there's a lot you can do other than shut yourself in another room away from them or leave the house.

It sounds like your son can sense the stress when vaccines are mentioned. I would play this up with your mom and sis, tell them about how much it's affecting their grandson and nephew and you will not stand for that.

good luck and good for you for doing your research and sticking to your guns.
post #5 of 18
Thread Starter 
Hey, I am in the process of moving out at the moment, but I do live with my mother.I was being 'smart' about the VIS statement by the way.

I am a single mother and my sons dad and I broke up when our son was six months old.My sons dad does not believe in not vaccinating and he wants me to get our son vaccinated, but I told him that since I care for our son soley (I have full time care of our son) that it is for me to worry about.

We generally agree on most of our parenting choices, he has never had a problem with co-sleeping our son from day one or breastfeeding until our son weans when he is ready.

He honestly wont read anything about vaccintation so until he does I wont talk to him about this in reguards to our son.His mother however, is aware that my son is not fully up-to-date with vaccination so to speak, and she has a "vaccination can be bad, but so can what you can get if you dont vaccinate" stance.She thinks the MMR and chicken pox vaccination are useless so I am glad she agrees there, she also told me she has seen several people nearly die from the flu and tetanus needles.She has seen people with the actual dieases some needles "protect against" and she doesnt know which is worse.As far as I understand her sons are all vaccinated.She has not really brung up my sons vax status though.

Thanks for your helpful advice.:
post #6 of 18
It seems that because you are a young new mom you may not be getting the respect you deserve. When I face this situation I bring up how much times have changed and new parents are not blindly following the herd concerning their children. It's true, times are changing and your a part of it! Don't you wish your mom was confident enough in raising you to trust you and be proud you research and are making important decisions? ME Too!! Good job Mama!
post #7 of 18
Trust your mother instincts! It is your child. Do the research, read as much as you can from many sources, and then you will feel stronger and stronger. I believe that the more you know, the less you are scared by mainstream people and their arguments. I know this has been the case for me. I applaud you for even thinking about these things and questioning them. I am sure it is hard to have your mom be so hard on you. Try to put on your raincoat and let it roll off. Just assume that it's because she wants the very best for you and for your baby. That is most likely the case. She just believes what she has been told. Tell her that you would love to provide her with some research and books to read if she wants to discuss it more with you. But everyone has to make their own choice. Whether someome wants to vax or not vax, if they have done the research and made the choice that feels right to them, that is their choice. This is your baby and your decision!
post #8 of 18
I agree with all the advice so far. It does sound like your age has a lot to do with why you're not getting left alone by your family even after explicitly stating that the topic was closed.


I agree that getting yourself and your son out of this toxic environment is a good step, and avoiding all conversation on sensitive issues until then is even better. When they teach kids about how to avoid bullies, this is usually the advice: just repeat "I've already made that decision. Thank you for your concern. It's not up for discussion."

They'll bait you, they'll name call, but they really can't escalate it if you just keep repeating yourself and don't respond. They don't seem interested in the research, so don't lay yourself open to debating it. You can't win, because they have defined the game. The game is to keep you defending yourself. Don't play! Once you retaliate, they've won. It's a crummy game and I have no idea why people that are supposed to love you would participate in something so detrimental to your sense of self and self-worth. One of the biggest things you can do, IMO, to protect your son, is to model how to keep yourself safe from people like that.

Why can't more families just ::::??????
post #9 of 18
Good for you for standing up for your child, especially in a tough situation.

I agree with pp that you need to keep researching, keep your confidence up and try not to discuss it with them. However, they are your family and I know it can be difficult to just prevent them from talking about it. It could lead to very strained relations. And they are your family, your support system. And they are concerned about their grandchild, however misguided that concern may be.

What I did with my inlaws was ask them specifically what they were concerned about. I did not accept "he'll die from a horrible disease!" as an answer to that question! I made them tell me specifically what diseases they were so afraid of. Most grandparents (even the younger ones) have no idea the number and scope of diseases kids are being vaxed for these days so chances are they will bring up Polio, Tetanus, measles and maybe pertussis. That's what my mil came up with (except pertussis). I dealt with each disease individually, asking "What is it about polio that concerns you?" It's a lot easier to get them to calm down about it when you break it down, let them do the talking and then reassure them point by point. Those 4 diseases are pretty easy to reassure them about. The key is to let them do the talking and ask the specific questions. Since I took this approach with my mil, she has not brought up vaxing again.

Of course, the key is to be prepared and to remain calm and just have a mature conversation about it. Man, it's difficult with family but I like to keep the peace and I really want them in our lives.

post #10 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone for replying.

Snowflower, It is true that I probly get treated like this because of my age.

momofmine, thanks for your advice, I will keep researching, I am getting a few books on the topic which should be good, but it will also bring up the issue again and then ill never hear the end of how "dumb" I am for "believing whatever I read".But anyway, thanks for your advice, it was very helpful.

nwmamas thanks for your post to , I am really trying to get myself and my son out of this enviroment and in to our own home.It has been a diffficult few months for me but I have got the ball rolling now not much longer till we will be in our own home.I like the sound of that.

traycanadian, I wish I could have a mature convo with my family about this to, but it wont happen.my mother has already told me she wont listen to a word I have to say about it because "I am wrong".
post #11 of 18
Originally Posted by neostudded View Post

I have never voiced my opinion on this topic, as quite frankly, my mother does not want to listen to it as she see's my view as "un-valid".She will honestly walk away from me when I try to talk about it.But when she talks, I listen to her, as walking away is not nice or respectful.And then when I try to reply with my concerns, I get yelled at.
Here's the problem, right there. And it is not really about vaccination, it is about family relationship. You get to be 'wrong' and 'nice' at the same time, and it is a one way street. Should never have gotten to this point in the first place. If you are 'wrong', so can be your mother. If she thinks walking away is a right thing to do, you don't have to listen to her either. Yes, it is mean and not nice, but it is her choice of family relationship and you do not have to put up with their rude behavior and disrespect. As long as you will put up with it, you will get it (because they will see that you allow it, therefore it is a 'fair deal' in their eyes). There is no point to wait for them to get fair to you - it is not happening. It is up to you to set the boundaries and keep them. Yes, it is a hard thing to do and they will, obviously, resist any change there, but it has to be done if you want to change the situation. Once the hard bit is done, it does get better!
post #12 of 18
You've gotten some good advice. Here are a couple of thoughts.

1. You're not supposed to give a child solid foods until 4-6 months of age. When you do, you're only supposed to give one at a time, every 3-7 days. But somehow, it's OK to inject an 8-week old baby with (I think) 6 diseases plus preservatives and who knows what?
I find that people at least stop arguing with me when I say that.
2. Go to a site like http://www.novaccine.com/specific-vaccines/
and check out some of the vaccine ingredients. Make a list, print it out, with the ingredients and explaining what they are. If your sister or anyone else calls you a name, ask them if they know what phenoxyethanol is. (http://www.novaccine.com/vaccine-ing...ults.asp?sc=17) Ask them if they know how much aluminum is toxic to babies, and then ask them how much more than that is in vaccines. (http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr...himerosal.html)
Learn everything that you can about the diseases and the vaccines. Kill their arguments with knowledge.

Good luck!
post #13 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone for your help, as the months pass by my mother is becoming more excepting of my mothering choice's.
post #14 of 18

Holy cow all vax info aside can I just say, YOU ROCK! It is tough to make such choices with help from your partner and family. But to be your age and mostly on your own and to have researched and to be co-sleeping and CLW. I know you don't know me from Adam, but I am proud of you! You have obvious wisdom beyond your years. Do you know how many people I know about your age who can't choose cereal much less make the choices you have made? Heck I know people my age who haven't made the educated parenting choices you've made....

You are a wonderful example of a young mother as far I can tell by what you share. Follow your gut. And tell everyone to back off until they can validate ACTUAL research on both sides..... Thankfully my mom held my first for a good part of the month she screamed in AGONY and refused to eat after her first shots. (Obviously we had a reaction So when ds came along she knew better than to question me.

Stay strong.... stay here. There are so many good parents with good advice for you on this journey. :
post #15 of 18
Thread Starter 
taterbug1999 You don't know how much I appreciate your lovely post! It is difficult being a young mother, people just don't seem to think I am capable of raising my son. If I was in my 30's I am sure I would have gotten a lot more respect. I, to know people who are older than me, even twice my age who start out just as clueless as most new parents

I am aware that I am very young and have limited life experience, I am still doing a lot of growing myself. I know the challenges of doing this and to put it frankly, I would not change a thing.

It is not a fairy tale but when you love someone like I love my son you do anything to protect them and care for them to the best of your ability.

I do think I should have been respected much more than I have been. After all, he is my son, I made him, I grew him in my womb, I birthed him from my body, I breastfed him on demand from birth, I clothed him, payed for everything of his, rocked him in my arms for months. I went though the lack of sleep, the crying, and all the other challenges of being a new mother. I will be his mother for the rest of my life and I will be the one to make parenting choices for him.

I understand their concern, but if I need help I will ask for help.
My son was not born broken, he was born perfect!
post #16 of 18
Just wanted to echo what everyone else said here.... YOU ROCK! To be that young and stand up for what you believe is amazing. I'm friends with a lot of 30 year old women who put a lot less thought into child rearing than you.

Your son is so lucky to have YOU!
post #17 of 18
It was hard to learn but I just keep my mouth shut. By now I learned when it makes sense to debate or explain. In the majority of cases debating anything or even explaining is completely useless. In my family I also get the "you're just wrong"- I could the hand vial insert to them, they would still say, that's not true.

By now I don't even say "let's agree do disagree" because often it sends the message that I need to be "enlightened". It is one of the hardest things to do but If I don't react at all not even with a "pass the beandip" they stop. They get very annoyed, some even downright aggressive because some family member WANT me to defend myself- but I don't give them the pleasure of explaining to them why I am not an idiot.

Boy, when my dad was spewing strange things, it was soooo hard for me to just not say anything, because anything on my part would have made it worse.

OP, good for you for doing what you think is best for your baby-the older my DC gets the easier it becomes not to "defend" our parenting choices.
post #18 of 18
Thread Starter 
Thanks stayo22 and In Exile.

In Exile, I eventually learned to leave the room the second it was bought up and they have stopped doing it. How sad that non vaxers get treated like this.
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