what would be a GD way of handling this?

[readytobedone]

so i've been noticing something my DCP does with her (4 yo) daughter that i don't really like, but i can't think of a good way of dealing with it. (i like kind of practicing these scenarios in my head, so to speak, since my DD is just 14 months old and i'm "warming up" )

when i go to drop-off or pick-up my DD, the two of us (DCP and i) sometimes need to talk for 15 minutes or something. sometimes her DD will be very demanding of attention during these times, and occasionally she'll be crying or complaining about something very loudly, and after validating that she is upset about x or y ("i know you're upset about not being able to find your teddy bear"), DCP will finally let her know that if she "needs to be upset," or "needs to be loud," she can go upstairs.

now, i think it's reasonable that she needs to find some way of allowing us to hear each other. but what i don't like is i feel like she is often telling her, "you can't be upset around me," and kind of saying that only certain kinds of emotions are acceptable, kwim? this may also be reinforced by the fact that i felt my parents did this with me (in a different way).

so do you think what she's doing is okay? what would you do?

[lesmac]

I try my best to be GD, but I have to work at it. If I were the caregiver, I would have excused myself from our conversation and found the teddy, etc. I c/n tell from your post, but does your daughter's caregiver feel like she can do that w/ you?

If you c/n even have a conversation b/c of the noise, IMHO, you should have her caregiver call you when she has a moment. Or suggest that you talk first thing upon your next arrival. Maybe that's the reasonable way that you two hear each other?

Really, think about it from her daughter's perspective. Fifteen MORE minutes of her mother's attention, directed elsewhere, at the end of a day is a lot to ask of a four-year old. It's a narcissistic age.

When I am talking to someone and their child obviously needs them more than I need them, I exit the conversation as graciously as possible. I think rather than thinking that your caregiver is telling her daughter to be upset somewhere else, think about how you are contributing to the situation.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by lesmac

When I am talking to someone and their child obviously needs them more than I need them, I exit the conversation as graciously as possible. I think rather than thinking that your caregiver is telling her daughter to be upset somewhere else, think about how you are contributing to the situation.

that's a good point. sometimes the conversation really needs to happen THEN, but other times not. i will try excusing myself from the situation and see if that helps. thanks!

[Rose-Roget]

I'm kind of new to this board. I would start the interaction with my dc upon entering. I would hug dc and tell her that I was glad to see her. Then I would say respectfully to dc, "I need to talk to DCP for a few minutes. Please give me this time to have a conversation and then I'm excited to talk more with you." If she interrupts, I understand that she may be tired and have had a long day, but I would remind her of the fact that I need to finish my conversation. Maybe hold her hand so she feels like she has some attention too. ? But frankly, if it continues, I would probably say something similar to your DCP - "I hear you, but right now we're having an important conversation. Please wait." or "I can't finish my conversation with DCP when you're loud. I understand you're upset and I will help you as soon as I can finish." I have sent my dc to another room if he's being too loud and not respecting my personal rights, too. I try to respect my dc's rights, but limits are also important, IMHO.

[LynnS6]

OK, I may lose my GD label for saying this, but: I've said the same to my kids at times. Usually I say it when I'm short on energy (I'm quite sound sensitive and so whining will set me on edge), and when my kids are whining loudly about something that isn't major (e.g., I can't find my bike helmet/the red crayon).

I've already validated their feelings, I've usually offered a solution and/or a time frame during which I can help (I can help you as soon as I get this in the oven). My kids are old enough (4 and 7) that they CAN control their whininess for a few minutes while I deal with something else.

I don't think it's telling them they can't be upset around me. They're often upset around me. I'm more than happy to offer a hug, and I do that a lot. So, when I say this, I know from experience that while they're irritated, it can wait a few minutes. I don't see asking them to go to their room to cool off as necessarily bad. It's not punishment, it's just more stimulation than I can deal with at the moment.

That being said, you should ask your dcp how she wants to handle conversations that need to happen -- would she rather handle it there? would she like to call you? do it in the am? send an e-mail about important, but not urgent things that need to be communicated?

[blessed]

I think kids have to come first. When the family reunites at the end of the day, and everyone has a need to reconnect, it's the kids who have the most pressing needs.

See if you can set that first 15 minutes aside for the kids. Then when their needs are somewhat sated, you can actually have that 15 minutes with your partner.

[j924]

DCP chiming in. I've said this to my kids before when they are losing it at the end of the day. They need mommy time but I am still at work and it is just a craptastic time of day. It is not a good long term solution at all. It will "work" for a ten minute conversation with a parent though. Are you asking how to help your caregiver or looking for what you should do if your child has the same behavior? If it is helping the caregiver, maybe you two could schedule one day to talk. That way she and her dc know when you are coming and can better prepare for it, or maybe written correspondence would be easier for a bit. For later reference for you dc planning is always key. Having a special box or toy that only comes out for the time you need to talk works well.