terminating pregnancy because of family siutation. - Page 3

[mamama73]

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[bscal]

I just wanted to add my thoughts and prayers that you find peace in whatever decision you make. It is a difficult situation that you are facing. I couldn't read this thread and not post in support of you. I have no opinion as to what you should choose to do, as I do not have a sn child. I feel that your circumstances are very difficult and I honestly do not know what I would choose to do in your shoes.



Beth

[jorismom]

I wish you peace in whatever you decide. I know that if I were to become pregnant I would be seriously asking myself the same question. I only have one, but her needs and the needs of my family already leave me feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Not to mention the fact that DH and I realized we have the odds stacked against us genetically.

I do agree w/ the PP who was discussing the fact that most women who believe that abortion is a valid choice for women do make peace with their decision with time. The two women closest to me in my life have both terminated pregnancies and it was definately the right choice for them in both cases.

[4imprints]

I can understand where you are coming from. Each woman knows what she can and can not handle at any given moment. My son has "autistic like" issues (his issues are related to a chromosome order but are very much autistic like). I also have a 15 months old and am going through a seperation and divorce and i told my soontobe XDh that if I had found myself pregnant at the time of our seperation I would have terminated. I also have an older SN child. Yeah - things may be different down the road but I was and am at a point where I don't think I could physically handle more. Beside the finances. I mean seriously - I'm not going to make our lives a constant struggle if I don't have to. Some may not agree - but I'm prochoice and for these specific reasons. So yeah - I get where you are at and you don't need vindication or someone to pat you on the back and tell you this is the right decision. you and your husband just need to agree to it - because lets face it - if you don't then no matter how much progress y'all are making your marriage won't. So I hope you can find the decision you are lookinf for and the support that you need.

[williamsmommy2002]

I hope you find peace in your decision. I feel that if you think it is the right decision, it is. If I were facing a pregnancy right now, I would most likely choose the same path. You are not alone.

[buttercup]

((((HUGS))))

I think ultimately whatever you decide, you AND your husband (out of repect for his commitment to your marriage) need to be comfortable with whatever decision you make for the BEST of your family.

I have personally had an abortion many years ago. As a previous poster stated, it is a decision and life experience that stays with you but you learn to make peace with it. However, now that I have had children, I would never do it again....even if I was at the lowest point in my life.

I know that I am not living your life, but I am a mother of 2 children who were each diagnosed with autism when they were 3 years. My daughter is now 6 and my son is 4.5yrs. My husband and I accidentally became pregnant the year before last. Because of my past, abortion was never a factor. We basically decided that we would make whatever changes necessary to accomodate him. We are in debt and are surviving on my income. Neither of our children receive therapies because we are no poor enough to get it AND my health insurance doesn't provide it. However, mentally and physically our situation is not as dire as it appears for there is something that we have been doing that has made everything well worth the sacrifice.

(1) Hope - we have hope that both of our children will be doing better since we implemented biomedical interventions (some of which is covered by our health insurance) Simple things like cod liver oil, probiotics, gfcf diet and supplements have made our children healthy enough to be responsive to what little interventions they get through school and interactions they get from everyday life. I think that because of our childrens progress, it has really helped my husband and I to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that our children will be able to talk and function in society (w/ or w/o assistance) We are hoping for w/o assistance.

(2) Support - We have developed a good support network online and in our town. Honestly, many parents may feel it is not necessary....BUT IT REALLY IS. Parents of special needs children, specifically autism, need to be able to just BE with other people who JUST UNDERSTAND and won't provided unwanted advice or cirticism that you have to deal with on a daily or weekly basis. You might see if one exists. If not, might consider just starting one, such as a playdate group where you meet at a park. It is critical to have a support network.

(3) Working on Marriage - this is also critical because we as parents funnel all resources from money to energy into our children, we neglect to maintain our relationship with our spouses or significant others. Your spouse is your #1 support network because he is in the boat with you. We get so focused on autism and the issues surrounding it that it can make us bitter towards and distant from our spouses. If you are having marriage issues and can not afford a counselor, National Autism Association offers grant money to couples for counseling (called Family First). It is the only organization I know of that does this. They also offer grants to help pay for therapies (called Helping Hand). www.nationalautismassociation.org


I did want to make one additional response to a comment about the possibility of moving and having to move away from the support you already have in place through family. I wonder if a move might not be the best thing depending on where you are relocating. what if you relocate to a state that offers more and better services for your ASD child? What if you move to an area that offers a fantastic support network. You can find out by going through various autism websites such as www.autismpdd.net, www.generationrescue.org, www.nationalautismassociation.org ("Find a Friend") and finding a chapter of Autism Society of America. Those are places to start.

Good luck in your decision.

[damona]

i couldn't read this and not offer you 's.

i had to make the decision of terminate or not terminate with my last baby. we had just found out that ds#2 was dx'd pdd-nos and that ds#3 was "developmentally delayed" (now dx'd pdd-nos). also, my mom had just found out she had breast cancer and was going to have to go for radiation and a mastectomy, and so would be completely unable to help us. we were going to have to move shortly after the new baby arrived. i weighed all of these things very, very carefully, but in the end, i decided that i just could not go thru with termination. we are struggling now, but i don't regret my decision.

if you do decide to terminate, it will be because you did the same thing i did and weighed your choices carefully. if you don't, it will also be because you weighed your options very carefully.

i wish you the best, and am sending you peace and love over the internet just as hard as i can. feel free to pm me if you want someone to talk to, i am online at all sorts of odd hours.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

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[veganf]

I honestly don't personally know of anyone who's regretted the decision to terminate, but I know a few people who regret placing their baby for adoption. Go figure. It is a tough decision.
I hope you figure out what feels right for you.

[i0lanthe]

It's not a decision that any of us can make for you. Anecdotally, I think for any major decision one can find people who did or didn't regret it (and it may not even matter to our own situations what the percentages were.) I tend to be confident about most things so if I find myself second-guessing doing anything, that's a sign for me that the answer for me should just really be a huge "no". But then, other people are the other way around and feel better about a decision after a lot of internal discussion an'at. So if you know which kind of person you are, maybe that would tell you which way to jump.

someone upthread said,

I wonder if a move might not be the best thing depending on where you are relocating. what if you relocate to a state that offers more and better services for your ASD child?

Pittsburgh's been really good to me (not that I've lived with ASD children anywhere else.) Every time I entertain the thought of moving somewhere else (couple of specific states), I go "but that would be a serious step down in services "

[Miss Information]

I sent you a gentle pm. I hope you read it.

[Pancakes]

[GoBecGo]

I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry this decision is one you're facing.

I have no advice except that you must do what you must do and you can only do what you can do. You are a fabulous mama to your kids, and you feeling stretched is not because of your failings but because of your huge strength - you are stretched because you do SO much for them. An important part of strength is knowing your limitations.

I am sending you as much love and peace as i can through the ether. I wish you the strength to make the right decision, and the strength to live with it, whatever it is.

Many more

Bec

[heatherdeg]

I couldn't NOT post, either. I agree with the pp that said that this is not about your personal abilities or limitations. When I read what you're dealing with--it's a LOT... for anyone.

I have absolutely no idea what I'd do in your shoes and I won't pretend that I do. But I fully understand the dilemma and heartache you must be feeling right now. I understand the complete panic with the unknowns of going either way. I hope you are able to find peace.

And for those who mentioned possibly adopting this child out--nobody mentioned that open adoption can mean being a part of your adopted child's life--forever. It's not always about saying goodbye and letting go. I'm not trying to say you should do this because as someone else noted, pregnancy itself is a stress of it's own. But if it was a fleeting consideration for you--I thought you should know about that.

I can't manage to send you enough hugs. I wish there were more I could do for you.

[nwmamas]

Like most, I couldn't read and not post. I lurk in SN because I find it to be the gentlest place on MDC. So I wanted to offer some more

[DocsNemesis]

Hugs. Make the right decision for you! I have known people who were perfectly happy with their decision to abort, some who werent...my mother in law aborted her 4th as a 21 year old with 3 baby boys already (we jokingly call them irish triplets) and while she still says it was the right choice, she still feels guilt over it 22 years later. Its a hard decision to make, no doubt.

I would definately concider adoption if you could handle the pregnancy and the whole bout of emotions that would bring up. I can completely understand if you cant though-kind of ironic since I'm a surrogate but I couldnt give up one of my kids, I just couldnt handle it emotionally.

Beyond that, dig deep and think hard. Its not an easy thing to decide either way.

[maliceinwonderland]

I have no solid advice, but couldn't read and not post. Even being in your situation before myself I have no great words of wisdom that make your choice easier, I'm sure no one really does, as they never did for me. I hope you find peace with whatever choice you make.

I can tell you dd was the child I had to make that decision with, and I thank god/the universe/whatever every single day that I somehow decided to keep her despite all the advice trying to sway me the other way. And we've always been fine, despite finances, finishing school, etc. But I realize that's not for everyone, especially with a SN child in the mix (Dd is my SN child, so that didn't factor in for me)

I'll be thinking of you and I wish you the best.

[thebarkingbird]

thank you again all so much. i will not be considering adoption. i cannot handle all of the emotional and physical stress of carrying a pregnancy to term and not coming home with a baby. my husband is not and likely will not ever find open adoption a viable option. closed adoption was good enough for his parents and he says it's good enough for him. beyond that my oldest son has gotten a new brother and a new dad all in the last year and 1/2. i do not think he could understand or handle knowing that a baby i made left and was not going to come home with us. yesterday we kind of hypothetically asked if he might want a new baby. he said no new baby! want brother! he thought that if we got a new baby we'd get rid of his brother. i feel like an ass because brother went to grandma's today and ds was totally freaked out.

i think adoption is a wonderful thing for many people but it really isn't for me or my family at this point in time. it is not an alternative to abortion. it is so so different.

i know i made an open call for advice and that everyone has been very respectful but i am saying now that i will not be considering adoption anymore. i gave it some thought and discussed it with my husband.

i have made up my mind and am trying to heal from this loss. if i make it to the clinic and just can't do it then i won't but as of now termination is the plan. i could not have done quite as well making this decision peacefully and without shame had i not had access to a full spectrum of experiences from generous women who shared here.

i am not a christian but i do believe that your prayers work. i have religious beliefs that may sound strange or even offensive to some but i know that any prayer said to a god who is believed in has real effects. if you are a religious person or one with a very strong opinion please consider just praying for me and my family rather than pressing me to change my mind. all of your suggestions were very much welcomed and appreciated. i think i got as much out of them as i can. for the record, i didn't feel pressed by anyone before because i had not said outright that my decision was made. i asked and you spoke. i thought and decided.

if you want to PM me that's cool or if you've already done so about this then i will continue the discussion via PM. you have all been a great help. i understand that this is a terribly charged topic and i don't mind people starting their own debate/discussion thread. if it's labeled as such i can choose to read or stay away and i accept the rights of others to speak their minds. thank you for respecting my safe space here.

[jaye]

I'm sure you will be able to make the best choice for your family. Doubts and second guessing will come with any choice, as will some sadness, but ultimately you will know what is right for you and yours at this point in your lives. I completely understand and agree with your reasons for not considering adoption. Good luck to you

ETA I posted while you were editing.

[darien]

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