Help! My DH is no longer on board!

[rzberrymom]

We've always used gentle discipline, were greatly influenced by the Continuum Concept and Unconditional Parenting, have always tried to find mutually agreeable solutions. But, things are getting tougher now that my DD is almost 3 1/2. We never had terrible twos with her and I think DH and I got a little spoiled.

Anyway, she's getting an ego, pushing hard with us, is not as easy to redirect, is not as agreeable anymore. When she doesn't get her way, she kicks, says awful things in anger.

I think it's fairly normal for a 3 1/2 year old, I don't give in but show empathy for her anger and try to help her find more appropriate ways to express it. I look for triggers that might be causing the blow-ups. I try to explain why we can't kick each other and that it hurts us when she does it. I try to give her a safe, comfortable place to calm down.

My DH's opinion is that gentle discipline isn't working, he feels "there need to be standards in our house!", we need to start being more top-down and authoritarian with her, we need to let her know "you're going to do that because I said so!"

I'm not comfortable with it--I told him it makes me as uncomfortable as if he had asked me not to breastfeed her. I don't want to give up on this and revert back to conditional parenting.

What can I do? I don't want to say to him that it has to be my way, but I also don't want to give up on being unconditional with her. I think I need some reading that shows the developmental stages 3 year olds go through. I need some reassurance for him that some of these things are developmental. I need some stories that kiddos have a hard time at this age but that then the storm passes. I need some reassurance for him that she won't be acting like this at age 10. And I need some reassurance for him that it wasn't gentle discipline that made her this way--I kind of think that's the key.

Thanks!

[Magella]

Well, for good developmental information, I really like the "Your One/Two/Three/etc. Year Old" series (link). A concept from those books that helped me, aside from developmental information about specific ages, was the idea that kids go through phases of disequilibrium. The authors say that tends to happen around the times of the birthday and half birthday (varies, of course, from child to child). So it's normal to have smooth times, followed by these periods of disequilibrium which are often marked by difficult behavior and moodiness, then back again. In watching my kids over the years, I think this is true. Kids go through changes, and at times the process of growing/developing/changing can make for some stormy times.

While these books contain great developmental information, a lot of the rest is very dated (for example, there are some dated descriptions of gender-based parental roles). Take what is useful and leave the rest.

[elizawill]

my dh and i parent a little differently. we are united and like minded in many regards, but how he handles a situation may be different than what i would do. we settled it by agreeing if i was addressing my children about their behavior, he was not to step in and start disciplining overtop of me or try and change what i was saying and vice versa (unless one of us is blowing our cool - than we step in and take over so the other one can cool off). even though we don't always see eye to eye, we always support each other. overall, we both practice GD but are on different ends of the spectrum regarding certain things. for example, i do not use time-outs at all... but my dh does. it honestly makes me batty, but he is their dad and he is my husband. i respect him and i know he only does things that he honestly feels are in the best interest of our children. he doesn't do time-outs a lot, but he will use them.

perhaps you can allow your dh to create boundaries that he is comfortable with, but still create mutual agreements and rules amongst yourselves (i.e no spanking, shaming, manipulating, or "fill in the blank - you two talk and decide, yk?).

just a thought. hugs to you mama.

[violet]

Are we parenting this way because we like it, or because we really believe it will work out better in the end? Because if we think GD only works on the easy stuff and we need to go back to something with more "structure" when things get tough, then we aren't really understanding or invested in the GD model.

Your post sounds like some conversations my Dh and I have had. We've both had doubts about whether what we are doing is working or not. There's a part in Unconditional Parenting video where Kohn says something like -- Everybody has doubts about parenting techniques. When UP doesn't show immediate results, people say - it doesn't work - but when power-style, mainstream parenting doesn't work, people never doubt the technique, only the application -- be more consistent with punishments, do time-outs more, get another sticker chart, etc. That's not fair to UP.

It sounds like you and your Dh are looking at some heart-to-heart conversations about your parenting goals, your values, and your own needs. If your goals and values are in different worlds, that is really hard to bridge. But if you both want the same things, just having a difference of opinion in the application, then a conversation about what you each need can bring about the win-win solutions. In our house, we don't usually have big knock-down conversations, but rather lots of little ones. I agree with pp - parents don't need to parent identically. There's times Dh or I slip up, or he cares more about something than I do. He hates screaming in or out of the house. My tolerance is higher. He comes down immediately on screaming, I to remind, redirect to outside, listen for the feelings, etc. I dont' think the kids suffer either way. Sometimes I cringe, but I know Dh's heart is in it for the long haul and he's doing the best he can in that minute to get his need for sanity in a noisy house met.

3-4.5 is hard. Really Really Really hard. Way harder than 2's imo. It might help to attend a parenting class with Dh where there's parents of other 3yo. Some parents feel better about things when they see other kids/parents are dealing with the same things. To get an idea of developmental appropriateness. As a sahm, I meet with other moms, go to the co-op preschool, see moms/kids every day dealing with our same struggles. But Dh sees employees who listen to his every word and actually follow his instructions. Hmmmm, what a difference to come home to!
i wrote a book. sorry.
don't despair --- it's a chance to practice the win-win solution technique with someone with comparable verbal skills!

[LynnS6]

While I love the philosophy of Unconditional Parenting, I think Kohn's position is a bit hard to implement practically at times. And for me, I can feel a bit out of control if I try to follow his teachings to the letter
You can implement GD in a variety of ways. I need to bit a more in control than other parents do.

In addition, it sounds like your dh has reacted to the challenges that all parents face at this age by declaring that UP/GD doesn't work. That's a bit like throwing the the baby out with the bathwater.

I'd suggest a "compromise" or looking into other ways to implement GD. For example, you might also want to look into approaches that are more "positive discipline" than "unconditional parenting". I'd recommend "The Secret of Parenting" to start with.

I agree that some talks about philosophy and ultimate goals are in order. My dh is a bit more authoritarian than I am. Like a pp, he's more likely to do time-outs. On the other hand, he's also less likely to completely lose it. What's worse, the occasional time-out or mama screaming like a banshee? Our kids have gotten through the evil 3 1/2 stage relatively well, despite our 'lapses'.

Dh and I do need to have conversations (probably more than we have) about some things. I tend to blow up quickly, and dh has to remind me that I'm not helping the situation. Dh tends to expect the kids to behave rationally when they're overtired or really hungry. I have to remind him that they're not in a space where they can do that. Dh tends to think I'm a bit too lenient, I tend to think he comes down a bit too hard too fast. I think that sort of minor "disagreement" is pretty common in parenting, and isn't a bad thing. Kids need to learn to deal with differences among people.

[prancie]

I think that your DH is right about one thing. Kids DO need to learn how to behave well despite being tired or grumpy. That can be done inside the bounds of GD. It might be more useful to you to enlist your DH's help in figuring out how to help your kids behave better in those times.