Three year old pushing babies--how to respond?

[Maggirayne]

I babysit for an AP mom and her 3 yo pushes my DD, 14 mo. He's rough w/his little brother, 11 mo, too. I do stuff with him, and he's mostly okay then, but he's not the only one so I can't always focus on him.

He jerks toys out their hands and will not hurt them, but poke with a toy or but his feet on them but just not kick.

It is so annoying! I get angry, and we(his parents and I) send him to his room).

He does it sometimes when she takes something from him, but it is not really predictable.

I have modeled and walked him through, "Baby has your toy, come tell me," "What do you do?" "Okay, I'm coming and _____(intervening)." Which he seems to understand, but doesn't do. And because it is random, he'll race by and grab a toy out of their hands, or yesterday, he threw a heavy toy and just missed
my DD, and I have no idea why. All of us are at wit's ends.

[jillmamma]

He is probably getting kind of bored and frustrated because he does not know what to do with himself or how to play with the little ones. Do either of the babies walk yet? Can you get them all outside for a bit? Do you have issues with the little ones "messing up" his stuff?

One suggestion I have is to let him have a few "special" type toys/things he can do at a table or something that the babies can't. Maybe have crayons and paper, playdoh, board games, matchbox cars, legos, etc. that he could set up and do without them, but still entertain himself.

DS was 3 when his sister turned 1, so we have been through some of that too. Having his train table to do stuff on helped or I would have him do stuff at the kitchen table. Also, getting him outside to burn off some energy helped. They liked even at that age when she learned to walk, to chase each other around the kitchen island each of them pulling or pushing a toy (pulling toy dog, pushing toy stroller, etc.).

Also, now they are almost 3 and 5.5, and MOST of the time play together great.

[Maggirayne]

Sigh. Well, actually we tell him anytime he doesn't want the babies to play with whatever he's doing, he has to go to the big table. Which he doesn't always want to do, being a 3 yo! :P

I do take them outside. My DD walks and climbs on chairs; the little brother crawls and pulls up and cruises.

It's not so much a "messing up my stuff issue," he will take baby toys away that he otherwise never looks at. "It's the you've got it, so it's interesting" issue. But it's not just over stuff, it's running around, ooh, let's throw this toward the baby, let's poke, whatever.

I've tried to get him to stack blocks they can knock over, What other ideas does anyone have for a toddler to do with a little toddler? That might help.

[amaayeh]

I have no advice for you expect to say : I have a 3 yo that acts the exact same way right now except it's with my 2 month old. She hits, kicks, pulls, slaps, etc. It is very frustrating and I have NO earthly idea how to deal with this behavior either. I think they are really testing their independence at this age...I just hope it passes soon.

[pookel]

I am the mom she babysits for.

I should probably add that he got kicked out of his previous daycare for previous behavior (ugh), and he doesn't actually do this sort of thing much when he's with us, or to his brother. I suspect there is some jealousy at work here - maggirayne's baby has HER mommy there, but HIS mommy is gone. *sigh* I have a hard time figuring out what to do about behavior that occurs when I'm not around.

He's always been a high-strung, sensitive, and possessive kid, though, so this sort of behavior isn't far out of the norm for him.

[carollois]

I was in the same situation but I was the one with the pushing, hitting three year old. It was a very frustrating and embarrassing time for me, constantly apologising to the mothers of the babies he had hit. The worst time was when, at the mall, he hopped out of his stroller, walked over to a baby and slapped him in the face. I was horrified!
My only advice would be to make sure that the offending child is *always* supervised when with babies. By supervised, I mean eyes on him, within arms reach at all times. It was very tiring, and it meant that we had to limit our time with babies for a while, but the phase only lasted about six months before it stopped for good. Today, my now sweet nine year old loves babies and is super gentle with them. I believe that he always loved and was fascinated by babies, but just didn't know how to channel it. Good luck!

[Embee]

Originally Posted by carollois

I was in the same situation but I was the one with the pushing, hitting three year old. It was a very frustrating and embarrassing time for me, constantly apologising to the mothers of the babies he had hit. The worst time was when, at the mall, he hopped out of his stroller, walked over to a baby and slapped him in the face. I was horrified!
My only advice would be to make sure that the offending child is *always* supervised when with babies. By supervised, I mean eyes on him, within arms reach at all times. It was very tiring, and it meant that we had to limit our time with babies for a while, but the phase only lasted about six months before it stopped for good. Today, my now sweet nine year old loves babies and is super gentle with them. I believe that he always loved and was fascinated by babies, but just didn't know how to channel it. Good luck!

I can soooo relate to this. DS is an only, but has a very good buddy who gained a little brother when DS and his buddy were about 2 1/2. When the babe was getting mobile and the kids were about 3, DS was in their home being babysat, and was quite aggressive toward the babe. I WAS MORTIFIED. But I know my DS. If he's acting this way, something is not feeling right in him. When he was in her home, my friend kept eagle eyes on him and had him with her quite a lot. DS was much less apt to act out and seemed happy as punch when she did this.

I played with DS a lot during this time because this for me, was the best way to figure out what was ailing him. I made time for doing what he wanted to do, following his lead (ala, "Playful Parenting" Cohen) and what I found out was that DS was not comfortable in their home. It's bigger, two floors and because my friend was often involved with the babe, and left the toddlers to mind themselves, DS felt vulnerable and unsafe. When he made a move toward the babe, he learned that my friend would then make an effort to be with him and this made him feel safe. Once we understood this, we were able to create a plan that better suited the needs of the kids (shorter periods of time spent at her house, and only after the babe had napped i.e., she didn't have to be gone and away for a long period of time while putting him down).

This is obviously my own situation and not necessarily yours of course, but what I'm trying to say is that if he's being aggressive toward the babes, there is a reason. And what I've found usually is that it's because in some way, the one doing the aggressive stuff is hurting in some way. If you can find out what it is and address that, it can help a lot. In the moment, it's hard but for me, sending DS off to be alone creates an atmosphere of isolation, and can often times perpetuate the problem rather than relieve is because it's addressing behavior only, rather than the feeling that is fueling the behavior (the whole child).

Here is an article that describes a similar situation between the author's two youngest children, what happened, what she did about it, etc. I look to this article when I'm at a loss with DS for whatever reason, and it usually helps:

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles4.html

This sounds like a tough situation. Hang in there!

The best,
Em

[gosoul2soul]

How about finding a playmate for him

[Mizelenius]

Any chance he does it more at certain times of the day? My 3 yo can get somewhat aggressive with us at times, but it is FAR worse when she is tired. When she starts acting that way, I just hug her instead of getting mad like I used to, and prevent, prevent, prevent (keep my 16 mo away).

She's a different person in the morning again or after a nap!

Any chance he has low blood sugar/needs to eat frequently? Maybe you could at least offer water and a little snack as soon as you see him start up . . .ignore and redirect.

It's amazing how LITTLE a 3 yo is. I didn't realize this until I had my 2nd child. I expected way too much of my first-born at that age!

[jewelsJZ]

My son did this. A LOT. With his younger sister, other kids, our pets.
Two things that helped us:
One is that I realized that I was reacting way more often than I needed to be. For example, he would grab toys from my dd and she would be fine with it, turn around, pick up something else to play with on some occasions. So if it isn't bothering her, I let it go, even though it is annoying me. This is my way of picking my battles. There were plenty of other opportunities to deal with his behavior.
The other thing that worked like a charm was paying tons of attention to the other child. "Did your toy get taken away? I know, that wasn't nice. You don't like it. Come on, lets find you another toy to play with." Or if the child is crying/hurt, "He pushed you. That hurt. [pick up and comfort] Come on, lets go get some juice/a cookie/a cool cloth/etc."
This always got my sons attention because he was not getting direct attention paid to him and the other child is getting something he isn't.
We always follow up with him needing to "make it right". This means apologizing and making amends. He can choose to give a hug, sticker or toy to the other child.
Sending him to his room and time out did not work for our child. In fact, it made it worse. We also use a modified version of the Montessori Peace Table, where, if he is upset, he goes and sits at a little table by the window, and calms himself by watching the birds outside, rocking in the little rocking chair and deep breathing (took a while to teach him this). Then when he is calm, he comes to apologize and make amends to the wronged party.
Maybe some of this will help. Best of luck to you.

[Maggirayne]

Thanks, I get really upset, and hate that I sound angry at him. Definitely not modeling gentle behaviour. Sigh.